Part I

Chapter 34

"…p-pardon me…?"

Her student didn't respond, the girl remaining in a bow for a few moments until she slowly rose up, her stare locked to the ground in dismay.

What seemed like an hour passed by Minamo then, time moving as if something had just grabbed a hold of it, slowing its normal pace as it dragged it down to a crawl. "I…don't think…that I heard you correctly…"

The girl bit her lip. "I said…I'm asking you…to go out with me."

A murky sensation began to flood her heart, this black, dirty tar that was washing away all the highs of the delightful graduation moments that she had just experienced. "…you…you mean, go out as in…l-like a couple…?"

Her student responded with a shaky nod of the head.

"I…you…" Minamo paused, the envelope in her hands, the letter that she had just been presented with, suddenly feeling so strikingly cold. "You…but, why…?"

"…why?"

"Y-ye-"

"Because I love you, and I want to be with you."

Minamo found herself blown away by the sheer, brutal honesty that her student had just displayed. "…e-excuse me for asking this, but I'm…I'm just wondering, if, this is…are you being serious…?"

"Yes."

Again, the bluntness of the response smacked her in the face, dizzying her.

Her student rubbed her hands together anxiously, taking her time with her words. "…I'm a lesbian, sensei. I've always liked girls, but…I've never…you're the first person…that I've ever told…"

The ominous feeling inside of Minamo congealed into something more concrete then, her student's words thickening it as it clogged her senses. "Y-you…like girls…?"

"…yes, and…and I like…I Iove you the most. You're…the..." A deep breath was taken by the teenager. "...you're kindest, most beautiful, most amazing person that I've ever met…"

Minamo's thoughts felt so sluggish to her now, heavy, unwieldy. "I...I…you...think of me...like tha-"

"Please go out with me."

An obvious pain was in her pupil's voice, a desperation that was more than tangible to Minamo. "B-but…you…I mean, I'm…I…"

The student waited silently, her discomfort growing by the second as her posture shifted about with apprehension.

Minamo tried to speak, but her mind was at a complete standstill now. The situation that this young girl had put her in had completely caught her off guard, everything that had occurred earlier in the day now feeling like distant, bittersweet memories. It wasn't as if she had never been aware of the fact that she had admirers on campus, but to have one of them actually confess that love to her all of a sudden, on graduation day of all times, and for it to be a female…

-…ove lett…-

She suppressed it as best she could, smothering the past as it attempted to spew out from her heart.

"Please just answer me, sensei…"

Minamo bit down on her lip, everything around her beginning to feel so unreal now, as if she had just been planted into some awkward dream. "I'm sorry, dear, but…I just…I just can't...do something like that…"

"…because I'm a girl?"

"No!"

They both blinked in surprise at the sudden outburst.

Minamo gathered herself together, completely taken aback by her own response as her focus continued to crumble. "…no…no…that's not it, I mean! Please don't think that. I…it's…it's just…well, dear…you might feel a certain way about me, r-right? But, I don't…you're such a nice girl, I know that, but...I just don't feel the same way about you…and…there are other factors too, obviously, but…it's not because you're a girl! I don't mind…I mean, that's fine, if you like women, j-just…you know…"

Her pupil's own voice was beginning to weaken now. "…so…you won't go out with me then, Kurosawa-sensei?"

She looked away for a second, unable to meet the student's eyes, but gradually returned her attention to her. "…I'm sorry, but…I can't just say 'yes' to that, dear. I'm…I'm sorry…"

The world seemed to come to an abrupt halt then, Minamo just staring with embarrassment at the young girl as they gazed at one another in silence. But soon, her student's face caved into a massive frown, her jaw shivering as she shifted her head down, attempting to hide her disappointment.

"Hey..." With some effort, Minamo was able to momentarily pull herself together as she went to the teenager, her natural sense of empathy taking the wheel as she gently placed her hands on the girl's shoulders. "H-hey…hey! Wait…don't…just…hold on! I'm sorry…don't be sad…I'm sorry, I'm sorry, dear…"

Her student didn't respond, simply burying herself into the older woman as she hugged her fiercely.

Minamo didn't refrain from the embrace, allowing her pupil to have her moment as she continued to deal with the reality of the drama that had seemingly come out from nowhere today. She had known this particular girl for years, a nervous youngster who never drew much attention to herself, but now, she almost felt like a stranger to her, Minamo feeling as if she were meeting her for the very first time in her life.

...is this why...she's always been shy in class? Because of me...?

The better part of a minute went by before the girl just slightly pulled herself out of the hug, stepping back as she continued to look down at the ground, her arms still wrapped around her sensei.

Minamo watched her carefully. "…I'm sorry, again. I…didn't mean to make you feel ba-"

"It's alright. I knew it would hurt."

She couldn't hide the bewilderment from her expression as her student finally looked up to her.

…whoa?

It was all gone now. The distraught, tortured look that had covered the girl's face upon hearing the answer to her request had vanished, the usual nervousness about her quelled as well. On her lips was now a wavering smile, and her freshly beaming eyes hadn't shed a single tear.

Minamo managed to somehow find her voice. "Y-ou…you knew what would hurt…?"

The girl exhaled longingly, pain noticeably leaving her demeanor. "...when you would say 'no'."

"…what…?"

Her student looked off to a side. "I…just…please, read my letter. That's all I actually wanted. Just…read it…please…"

"...I will…"

"…sensei…are you going…to the party later tonight?"

She looked at her peculiarly, the girl's sudden shift in topic and behavior throwing her off. "…ah…I was planning to stop by for a few minutes, yes."

Her pupil gripped her suit jacket tightly for a moment as she continued to cling on to it. "I-…I'm going to be there too, but, if I make things…awkward for you, then I won't go…so…"

"…no, no, it's ok. I don't…don't worry about things like that. I'm always going to be fine with you, dear."

The weak smile on the girl's face became more confident then, her posture as a whole noticeably calmer. "Ok… because…I want to visit you in the future still…and…and…" She took a breath. "…I want to talk to you more, about a lot of things. But right now…I…I'll wait…because right now, I…" The words trailed off for a moment. "…just please read my letter. I didn't want to...drag this out..." She separated herself from the lingering embrace, bowing several times. "Th-thank you for everything. I…I hope I can see you later…and talk more…"

"Ah…ah! Y-yes…don't worry. Anytime…you come by, we can talk, so, don't worry…"

The girl's smile widened even more as she bowed one final time. She then slowly headed towards the classroom door before sliding it open, walking with an air about her that just seem so much lighter than when she had first entered, that Minamo had ever seen her posses.

Her student paused in her steps, appearing to consider something, but decided against it as she headed out into the hallway...

...and then, Minamo was alone.

For a few moments, all she could do was just simply stare at the empty doorway, her senses nearly paralyzed as her mind attempted to digest the situation that had just occurred, trying to somehow process it. It wasn't as if she didn't understand what had just happened, as if she couldn't comprehend the event: a female student of hers had, by the account of her own words, been in love with her all these years. That in itself was simple enough to understand.

What was also equally clear to her, in the scope of Minamo's own reaction to it all, were the feelings that now swirled through her being. She of course knew the intricacies of these emotions well, the nature of them, of why they had decided to make their return. Her student's affections had reminded her of her own censored passions, that affinity for women that she had always kept leashed in the depths of herself. But yet, out of all those familiar sensations, there was still one that had come to greatly perplex her, an emotion that wasn't a part of the usual lot. She couldn't quite place it, this dark, heavy cloud that was slowly coalescing inside of her heart, triggered by something in particular that the girl had just said to her, outside of the confession itself.

'…I knew it would hurt…'

The ice flaked off, Minamo's hands quickly tearing open the envelope, pulling out the letter as she began to unfold it.

…why? Why in the world? If you knew…if you knew that something like this would hurt you, then why would you...?

Strewn neatly across the paper was the girl's handwriting, Minamo taking all of it in voraciously.

…then why would you still do it?

Dear Kurosawa-sensei,

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to write. I finally decided to write this. I have been in love with you since I was a first year. I wanted to tell you all this time, but I was scared. I couldn't talk to anyone else about it. I don't want my friends to think differently of me. I was scared what they would think. But it always hurt to not be able to tell someone.

I have been thinking about doing this for a very long time. Since I am graduating I felt that this was now the time to do it. I think you are amazing and beautiful. I love your voice and everything about you. I always thought about you in class and could never get you off my mind. I have always known that I liked other girls, but I have never fallen in love with one. I'm sure I'm in love with you, because I always dream about being with you. But I understand it is just a dream too. I know I can never be with you. I know I am young but even I can understand that. It hurt so much when I gave into the truth.

But there is something that I know I have to do still, if I want to be free of this pain. It hurts to know that I can't be with you. I know you don't think of me like I think of you, and it hurts a lot, but I think it would hurt even more if I never tried to be with you anyway. That is why I'm going to ask you out. In my dreams you will tell me you want to go out with me too, but I know the truth. But I still have to ask. I don't want any regrets in my life. I feel that if I can go through with this, then I can cure the pain. I want to move on and not suffer in my future. Maybe I will love another girl later who will love me too, but I will know that I still tried with you at least. I just want to be happy, and I think this is the best way.

I just want my chest to stop hurting. I am always thinking about you. I was thinking of kissing you when I ask you out. But I think that would make the pain stay or get worse. I'm sorry I never told you before. You must think I'm weird to feel like this about you and never tell you. I'm sorry. I hope you don't hate me because of it. But I want to let you know how I feel.

Thank you for everything. I want to see you and visit you in the future. If you are still ok with me after reading this, I really want to talk to you more. I have a lot to talk to you about that I was always so scared to do so before. Please let me. I'll never forget you. I'm sorry again. I know this must be strange to you.

With all of my love…