Part I
Chapter 37
Minamo brought her car to a stop in front of the Tanizaki house, stepping out of it as the daylight above her began to dwindle away. Evening would soon be here, and with its arrival would come the time to take a drive to the city, the faculty dinner scheduled to begin in one of its ritzier establishments within the next hour. But while the trip itself was never particularly long, Minamo always had to account for two additional factors to the total ETA: the time it took to find decent parking, and the time it took for Yukari to get ready for any sort of outing. If the woman wasn't currently sleeping, then she would surely be immersed in some game or television show instead, and prying her away from something that she was heavily invested in, even with free food set as the lure, could sometimes prove to be an arduous, frustrating task.
She grunted, shaking her head sadly as she dreaded the possibility of it, and then went to the front gate. Her finger hovered over the intercom button, ready to press it...
*thump*
Her arm wavered, and then it dropped to her side as another rush of the old emotions suddenly assaulted her, the bombardment on her heart having almost been non-stop since yesterday.
...why? Why...why isn't it stopping this tim-
It riddled her chest again, a thousand pinpricks of pain.
*thump*
The truth vomited itself into the forefront of her mind again, the memories unable to be held back in even the slightest of ways. Sleep had been all but impossible for Minamo last night, and just simply making it through today had been such a horrible struggle as well, because she simply couldn't stop remembering. Yesterday at school, the floodgates on her past had painfully tore themselves open, and she had been forced to experience every emotion again, every feeling, image, thought, touch, smell, every single bit of every single memory that she had tried to bury from over the course of the past fifteen years.
Every single detail, from every single episode, of where the real Minamo Kurosawa had been allowed to briefly exist.
*thump*
Her chest continued to pulse again, her heart aching in waves now.
...why...?
Why...does it...always have to hurt so badly?
Like there's a stake driven into me...
And why...why the hell won't it go away this time...?
She couldn't forget anything now, couldn't will it away. After the confession from her student yesterday, after reliving that first momentous moment of her own youth, Minamo had felt something change inside of her. A lock had broken, a link in the chain had been permanently damaged.
And without the ability to push it back, to lie to herself like she always had before, it just kept attacking her without let.
All of that pain.
That horrible.
Terrible.
Pain.
The sickening, tormenting agony that had come from years of subconsciously knowing that the love of her life had always been right there by her side, but yet, that she had always been so completely terrified to have.
"...hey, Yukari."
Her friend looked over to her as they went on with yet another morning trek to school. "What?"
Minamo bided her time, the subtle clicks of her bicycle's gears filling the air as she slowly pushed it along. "...can I ask you something?"
A plastic straw twirled playfully between Yukari's lips, the last remnant from a discarded juice box. "What's up?"
"Have you ever...I mean, have you ever had a crush on someone before?"
Her friend laughed. "Hell no."
The answer both disappointed and delighted Minamo at the same time. "A-ah...ok."
"Why ya' askin'?"
"I was...just curious."
"You think you like someone or somethin'? Not many guys around here...some kid from another school?"
"...ah...no. Sorry...I was..." She paused, feeling so awkward now. "I...I don't like anyone. I was just...I was just curious. We never really talk about that sort of stuff...so...I dunno', I just wanted to start some conversation..."
"Huh." Yukari shrugged. "Well, I don't really care about that romance stuff anyway. Buncha' mushy horseshit if you ask me. Actually, lemme' take that back..." She grinned menacingly. "If we're talkin' about other people's romantic stuff...yeah, then you got me interested in some conversation, Nyamo."
She laughed dryly. "Let's...let's not do that. But...um...oh...! I know. You...you must have some sort of preferences, right?"
"For what?"
"For...for someone you like. Like...you know, looks or...personality...or something..."
"Oh. Uh...if they buy me stuff. Like, a lot of stuff. That's probably my top preference. That'd do somethin' for me."
"So, you mean...you like rich people."
"Nope!"
"...wait, what?"
"I just like their money!"
Minamo sighed. "I should have just guessed that..."
Yukari snickered at her, then returned her attention to the pavement as they continued to walk. "But yeah...eh, I dunno'. I never really think about stuff like that. I can't say I like most people to begin with, let alone some snobby rich guy, ya' know? Like if I ever married one, I'd just off him from the get-go and make it look like an accident. Oh, I know! We'd go to one of those sea parks, right? Where they make whales juggle balls with their flippers and shit."
"Umm...I think seals do that, not whales..."
"That's not the point! Anyway, picture this: we reserve like a private session for ourselves, since we're rich and all that. Then when it's feeding time...a little nudge...a little push...oops!" She smacked a fist into an open palm. "Bam! Eaten by dolphins. It's the perfect crime."
Minamo couldn't help but laugh. "How...how is that the 'perfect crime?'"
Her friend smiled sheepishly. "'cause when they have to testify in court, see, you just train them to lie ahead of time. They're pretty smart. They could pull it off."
She laughed even harder then, Yukari grinning widely as she thoroughly soaked in her friend's amusement.
It took Minamo the better part of a minute before she could finally contain herself. "...you're so stupid, Yukari."
The girl chuckled, the straw whizzing about in circles.
Minamo smiled at her with all the raw affection that she could muster. She was so utterly infatuated with how her friend always tried to make her laugh, as if it were some kind of personal mission on her own part. Even when they were among their other friends, and when Yukari would say something humorous, the first person that she would always look towards, to see if she had made her giggle, was her.
And knowing that thrilled Minamo to no end.
The laughs didn't stop as they engaged in another round of dialogue, Minamo completely immersed in the company of her odd, yet amusing, companion. While she had at first been dubious of the girl's desire to be her friend, given Yukari's usually devious nature, her overall impressions of her had quickly changed for the better. Underneath the rude exterior, Minamo had found an individual that was actually quite loving, but was just pretty hapless when it came to properly displaying her affections for others. The girl had some glaring issues with her pride and ego, but whenever they were cast aside, Yukari was then so incredibly endearing to be around.
However, while Minamo had indeed become quite close to her newest friend, that didn't mean a solid connection of trust had been firmly established yet, because in the back of her mind, she always remembered that this particular girl had read her letter.
And with that fact constantly nagging away at her, it was quite difficult to fully solidify this budding relationship, since Minamo had originally built it, had kept it maintained, with such a weak, porous cement.
It was too great of a risk, in any case.
To explain the reality of herself, after the things that Yukari had already done for her.
That she had continued to do.
So...then...
*thump*
...why am I always...so scared?
Minamo stared at herself in the passenger window of her car, her face looking so depleted as she continued to stand outside the house gate.
Whenever I feel like this...it feels so wonderful, but then...but then I just panic...
She leaned against the vehicle, her arms folded over the roof of it, her forehead settled against the top of the door rim.
Why can't I even just go inside? Like I've done...I can't even count how many times before. But now, I'm terrified...
*thump*
...just to see her...just...
...just to...
...even be near her...
The memories continued to stream into her consciousness unabated, Minamo helpless to stop their flow. She was obsessing now, completely forgetting about the reason she had come out here in the first place, still staying well away from the buzzer. The faculty dinner didn't matter at all now as she poured over the questions, the self-inquiries that she had asked of herself so many times before, but yet had never truly answered, simply burying them, hiding them from her awareness.
But at the moment, their demands to be solved were simply too powerful to be squelched, the nearby presence of her love giving fuel to it.
To that guilt...
That that screaming stigma.
...because I'm afraid of being seen differently, right? Isn't that it? That's why...I get so scared...
...right?
Isn't that why...I keep hiding it?
Why I always run away from you?
Or...is it...
...is it something else?
*thump*
"...you're...you're really sure that everything is ok...?"
Yukari flipped a page in her book as she lay on her room's floor, holding the novel in the air above her. "Yeah. It's no big deal." Her bare feet played around with each other, displaying her excitement from whatever part of the story that she was currently at. "Was just a dumb argument, anyway. Nothin' really serious..."
Minamo sighed, sitting next to her as she watched her friend's television, relaxing in her house during one of their usual Friday nights together. "So you're positive things will be fine, then? I'm just concerned whenever my friends argue with each other, Yukari. That's why I brought it up..."
"Yeah, I know, but it's cool. Don't worry about it."
"...Yukari..." She pushed a stray bang of hair away with some frustration. "I heard...a little about it. I heard that she didn't want you to hang out with us anymore...because of that fight last week."
Her friend's feet immediately ceased with their ecstatic actions. "Yeah, well, maybe, maybe not. Just forget about it."
The girl's voice was quiet and subdued, but the rage that was laced within it was still more than tangible to Minamo. "Look...there's something that I've been wanting to talk to you about for awhile..."
Yukari let out a groan, putting down her book as she now stared at the ceiling. "You're killin' my mood, Nyamo..."
"Just listen to me. I know you've been having a few problems with some of our friends lately, and...and I know why. It's because of me."
"...nah." Yukari sat up slowly, looking at her. "They're just stupid little fights. It's no big deal. Everything's all patched up now."
Minamo shook her head. "Yukari...you know that I appreciate your help whenever that...that stuff comes up about me again. But...I think a lot of people are getting the wrong impression of you now because of it, since...you might take things a little overboard sometimes..."
Her classmate shrugged. "Those dumbasses need some sense knocked into 'em, so they stop with all that lesbian stuff. That's the only way to take care of idiots like that. And I mean, you haven't had to hear any of that shit for a good while now, right? Well, I mean, outside of last week..." She grinned sarcastically.
"...yeah...I know...but, still..."
"Then that's what counts!"
"Yukari, I just don't think it's fair for you to get a reputation like that because of me."
The girl chuckled. "Eh, I can live with it. Besides, who cares if some dweebs don't like me? It just pisses me off when people start makin' up shit about you. That's what ain't really right, Nyamo! And now things are goin' pretty good for you now, right?"
Minamo placed her chin between her folded legs, her heart suddenly becoming so heavy. "...r-right...but..."
Yukari looked at her curiously. "Huh? What's wrong?"
She took her time, gathering her thoughts together. Her friend was completely correct on the state of her school life. For the first time in a long time, Minamo had actually enjoyed attending her classes, the rumors about her dubious sexuality, the threat of being picked on by peers that had seen or heard certain things about her past, almost completely absent from them now. No one really took any of that very seriously anymore, and outside of the occasional whisper or instigator, she didn't have much to worry about as far as keeping the integrity of her self-image intact.
However, as for Yukari's image...
Minamo looked over in her direction. "I think...I think that you should know something, Yukari. About me, I mean..."
Yukari crooked her head. "What about you?"
She glanced at her face, into the depths of her brown eyes, and then immediately regretted it.
"Somethin' wrong?"
Minamo stifled the sad breath that she had wanted to take. "...I just...wanted you to know that...I'm always really glad to know that you're on my side, Yukari. I just wanted...to say 'thanks for everything', I mean...for believing me..."
Yukari stared at her blankly for a moment, before her expression exploded with raw happiness, like a puppy that had just been rewarded for a performing a trick. "Oh...yeah! Geez, I always tell you that it's no problem! All in a day's work and shit!"
She peered past Yukari, towards the bedroom window. "Hey...before it gets really dark...do you want to get some ice cream? I kind of want some. It'll be my treat."
Her friend's gigantic smile spread even wider as she cheered, her arms thrown into the air in celebration. "Yes! Hell yes!"
Minamo grinned, and it was all forgotten again.
...it really hasn't changed.
With her hands in her jeans' pockets, Minamo went on with her slow stroll down the small alley behind the Tanizaki house, taking note of the scene under fading daylight. Although her friend's residence had always been like a safe haven for her of sorts, she had made it a practice to try and avoid this particular area of it, the warnings in her chest usually making it feel like some sort of crime scene.
At this particular moment, however, she had found it so strangely easy to pass by the tape.
*thump*
Beside her were the fences and walls of the alleyway, setting the boundaries of the house yards that they enclosed. While some of the paint colors had changed, some new materials patched in here and there, for the most part, it was still the same old, quiet little alley.
...here.
She brought herself to a halt, looking around.
... right here. I remember it. It...it really is the same. It's so funny. This place hasn't changed much at all really, and...
Minamo looked down to the ground, soaking in every thought and feeling that permeated the air.
...I guess I really haven't, either.
She began to relive it all once again, the play being carried out before her eyes as she stood in the very spot where she had, for the first time in her life, felt the warmth.
Yukari...
The weight returned to her shoulders, her heart.
...when these feelings visit me again...I'm always so frightened to face them. To really admit...my real desires, and then have to hear what people...would actually think of me then. But...there's always something else that scares me much, much more than just what I feel for you, and that's...that's what really terrifies me...
...and just makes me want to disappear. To run away from you, so that...
...so that I don't have to see your face, if you...
...if I...
'...an honest kid...'
Minamo ground her teeth together, and then looked over towards her old friend's house.
She knew she was stalling. That was simple enough to understand. But the reason as to why was just out of her grasp...had always been just out of her grasp.
With a heavy sigh, she made her way back to the front of the residence, and finally pressed the buzzer.
*thump*