Part I
Chapter 38
"Wait...but why didn't you?"
The birthday girl frowned, looking away from her as she viewed her other guests, and then took a small sip from a glass of fruit punch. "It's...it's not what you think, Minamo. It's just...you know..."
Minamo looked around herself as well, taking note of the small gathering of teenagers inside of the house. A few of her friend's family members were running about, but for the most part, everyone else was a classmate of theirs. They were the girls that she spoke to or saw almost every single day at school, the fellow students that had become a constant part of her daily life and routine.
One girl in particular, however, was clearly missing.
She grunted with frustration, walking around her friend in order to stare at her in the eyes. "I 'know' what?"
"...come on, Minamo. You know I like Yukari, but, there's a few people here that wouldn't have come if she were around."
Her fists clenched together. "...that's not fair! She's our friend! She deserves to be here with us as much as anyone else..."
An obvious pain showed on the girl's face. "I know, Minamo. I'm sorry. It's...I didn't know what to do. I just...all I could figure was that it would be the fairest to disappoint the least amount of people..."
"It's not fair to Yukari!"
Her friend sighed. "I know. I'll talk to her about it and apologize when I see her next time. But Minamo...you have to see it from their side, too." She nodded to her guests. "You know how Yukari can be, and...well, she hasn't been doing herself any favors lately, either."
Minamo's expression twisted with scrutiny. "What do you mean?"
"...you know, those fights and stuff that she gets into sometimes. She just seems to lose her cool for some reason and just...well, you've heard what goes on. She does bring a lot of this on herself..."
A sickness abruptly entered her stomach. "W-what...? No she doesn't..."
"What?"
"I mean, Yukari...she just..."
The girl peered at her strangely. "Huh? Just what?"
"...how she...gets into trouble. A lot of it...it's not her fault."
"What are you talking about, Minamo? You know her as well as I do...she just loses her cool and goes nuts. That's how she always is. To be honest, no one even knows why half the time. She never tells us what's going on, and the kids she picks on never say anything either..."
Minamo bit her lip. "That's...she doesn't pick on them. She...she just..."
"...you're acting weird, Minamo. She just 'what'...?"
Her body fidgeted around, her eyes darting about the area a few times. "...just..."
The girl stared on, waiting.
An eventual sigh escaped from her, Minamo's shoulders sagging down. "It's...its nothing. You're right..."
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"
Minamo shook her head sadly, shutting the door behind her as she pushed Yukari back inside of the house. "Be quiet, Yukari. Don't scream like that. You'll freak out your neighbors..."
The woman tried to force her way back outside, her feet set up against the elevated part of the entrance way. "Let's just go! I'll live! I'll die after I pig out...I can hold on 'till then...!"
She caught her as she almost fell over, Yukari feeling so weak and limp in her hands. "What in the world did you come down with? You look like a mess!"
"Dammit'...dammit! I'm fine!"
Minamo placed a hand to her friend's forehead, checking her condition. The moment that Yukari had opened the door to let her inside of the house, she knew something was wrong with her, her face and skin appearing so pale and vapid, her complexion marred by a thin layer of sweat. "...I think you have a small fever. Let's get you to your room..."
"...ugh...no...!" Yukari's arms flailed about lamely, her purse falling to the ground. "...my buffet! My reason for living...! Let's...let's just go!"
"You can barely even stay on your feet." She slung one of the woman's arms over her shoulders, supporting her as she took her up the stairs. "What happened to you, Yukari?"
A strange gurgling sound was the reply.
Minamo gently made an about face, recognizing that particular sound from many times before in the past while in Yukari's company, and headed straight for the bathroom. "Hold on."
"...ughhhh..."
She barely got the woman's head over the sink before her friend decorated it, looking away as the business was done.
A few last feeble gags signaled the end of it, Yukari letting out a giant, relieved sigh. "...now...now I can eat again..."
"No. You're not eating anything. You're going to lay down in bed while I figure out what's wrong with you." She reached for the faucet, letting the water flow as it washed the former contents of Yukari's stomach down the drain. "You're definitely not in any condition to move around, let alone go out and overdo it like you usually do..."
The woman didn't offer any more resistance, simply letting her friend slowly haul her to her room. "...no...no buffet, then, Nyamo...?"
"...I'm sorry, Yukari, but, no."
Minamo closed her eyes with pity as she was made witness to the most gut wrenching, sorrowful cry of grief that she had ever heard in her life.
Within another minute, she had Yukari laying down upon her bed, looking down at her as she took in the whole of her symptoms. "...you ate something bad today, didn't you?"
The woman didn't respond immediately, almost appearing to slowly fall to sleep "...I might of...had...some beef..."
"And you made it yourself, right?"
Yukari frowned.
"I knew it. Yukari, how many times have I told you to check the date on those packages? I think you've got a little food poisoning...again."
"No one was here to feed me! What the fuck was I supposed ta' do?"
Minamo folded her arms across her chest, recalling that she hadn't seen any car outside on the lot. "Did your parents go somewhere today? Like on another trip?"
"I dunno'. Who cares. Who cares!" Small beads of tears began to form at the corner of her eyes, streaking down the sides of her face. "It's all over. There's no point to anythin' anymore. All those years I spent in college to get this stupid job are a total waste now. I...my free booze...it's gone...foooooreveeeeeer..." She began to sob heavily.
Minamo put a hand over her face, sighing at the sad sight before her. "Yukari, just wait for next year's dinner. And you only have yourself to blame, anyway. You're almost thirty-one years old now and you still can't make a decent meal for yourself. How many times has this happened to you before? It's embarrassing..."
"But I was hunnngrryyy..."
"You could have ordered something."
"Ah, but I have no money."
"What? Didn't you just have a wallet full of cash yesterday? You know, the one we found after you said it went missing...?"
"...I spent it all..."
Another sigh. "On what...?"
"My victory party."
Minamo crooked her head, peering at the woman curiously. "...what 'party'?"
Yukari managed to put on a thin smile through out all the discomfort that she was in. "My reward for graduating those punks." She lifted an arm weakly, pointing towards the entertainment center that sat against one of the walls.
She looked over, instantly frowning. A few brand new video game cases lay scattered upon the floor, and freshly purchased books and manga were surrounded by empty beer cans and food containers, all of it coming together to form some sort of deadbeat shrine. "I should have guessed..."
Her friend chuckled before coughing lightly.
"... let me go get the thermometer. I'm pretty sure you have a fever, but I don't think it's too bad, so we won't have to take you to the hospital or anything. Just relax here, ok? Don't stress yourself."
A disheartened expression took over Yukari's face then, her body becoming motionless as she succumbed to the realization of how her night was now turning out. "Yeah, ok, Minamo."
She smiled kindly, and then walked out of the room. The moment that she was in the hallway however, out of sight of her friend, she leaned herself against a wall in exhaustion, breathing rapidly.
...I'm insane...completely insane.
The shivers ran rampant through her chest now, a tingling delight that had been growing in intensity from the very moment that she had entered Yukari's house, the very moment that she had felt the woman's body when she had caught her from falling over.
I'm always fine! I'm...I'm with her all the time...I touch her like that all the time...but now...it's just so, so hard to...
It had taken everything she had to keep herself in check, to keep herself from acting like a bumbling, nervous wreck in front of Yukari now. All of the bottled up feelings she had for the woman, all of the desire that she had kept under lock and key for so long had wanted to escape from her, to make the most of the new lease on their life. Minamo had become fully aware of herself since yesterday's events, completely aware of what her heart actually wanted, had always wanted, and, had it not been for Yukari being in real distress just now, she would have been keeping her distance from her as best she could, as she had planned for tonight's canceled outing.
Ugh...
She ground her teeth together, wondering if her friend had noticed anything off about her behavior, if she had seen the color of her cheeks become red when she had first felt her forehead.
...settle down...
Her hands went over her face as she calmed herself, attempting to come to terms with what was now happening to her. It was as if someone else had just essentially taken control of her emotions, two separate hearts inside of her now, beating to completely different rhythms. One was the usual restrained and stoic one that she was well acquainted with, the one that never got excited from dealing with her old friend in any sort of manner.
The other heart, however...
A long whining sound came out from Minamo then, the back of her head scraping the wall as she looked up to the ceiling. She was at a complete loss as towards what she should do now, thoroughly confused as to what she herself wanted. There was no way she would leave Yukari in her current state, especially with the unknown whereabouts of her parents, but at the same time, she wasn't sure could make it through the ordeal before her. The reality of who and what she was wasn't bowing down to her usual methods of suppression, and the longing for the woman in the room behind her, the need for connecting with her on a level beyond that of a simple good friend, was overpowering her now.
...but then why...why don't I just...?
Minamo felt the cut, the blade of terror, slice right through her then, and her hands slapped against the wall.
What the hell? What the hell...am I always so afraid of...?
The compromise was working out so far.
Yukari had fallen asleep, her symptoms having diminished slightly before she had. Her temperature had been a little high, but nothing to overly worry about, a damp cloth on her forehead having made her comfortable enough to drift off.
And with her patient slumbering, Minamo had resumed the scheme that she had originally entered Yukari's house with. She would stay with the woman tonight, but just simply keep her distance from her whenever possible. If she couldn't subdue the painful emotional attachment, or the biting fears that came with it, then she could at least physically separate herself from Yukari as she sat well away on the carpet, just watching a late night show on the television with the room lights off.
The illumination from the screen flickered softly across her face, highlighting her features when much activity was occurring, bathing it darkness at the parts where there weren't.
...because everyone might find out. That's...that's what it is...what it always has been...
Her eyes took in the images from the television, but her mind didn't process them in the slightest way.
Minamo rubbed her forehead against her gathered knees.
That's got to be what's keeping me away. That's what's always kept me away. I just don't want...to be different...to be seen differently...
...right?
It made sense for a moment, but as had occurred in the past, Minamo felt something off with her answer.
...that's...it's just part of it. It's something else...something else...
The aggravation went on, the great dilemma that had always gotten the best of her reasoning abilities. Whenever it had come to admitting it to herself, to everyone else, of what her actual romantic preferences were, her courage would just completely abandon her. From the very first time that the true nature of her sexuality had been nearly exposed, way back on that surreal high school day, that horrible guilt, an agonizing pain, would just gut her completely. There was of course the natural fear of going against the grain, to procure a relationship that many others might disapprove of, and Minamo could understand that part of the dread.
But beneath that anxiety, she had always felt the presence of a terror that lay much deeper at the core of her being, a crippling dilemma that she had never really come to understand. It had disallowed her from ever becoming truly comfortable with herself, denied her from accomplishing something as incredible as her own student had just done the previous day. Minamo's heart would just always freeze at the critical moment, her instincts telling her to run from whatever woman she had developed affections for, whenever those warm feelings became too much to control.
Maybe...it's because I'm scared of rejection. I couldn't tell someone, not her of all people, of how I love them, and then...and then hear them say 'no', just because I'm a woman...and after hiding it all this time...
...especially...after all I made her go through...
"What's on?"
Her thoughts came to a screeching halt, Minamo turning to Yukari as she lay on the bed, the woman's eyes just barely open now. "...ah! How...how are you feeling now? You were asleep...for about an hour..."
"...still feel kind of sicky. I feel achey too, and a little warm, that's it."
"...let me...let me change...the cloth, then."
Yukari didn't say a word as her friend got up, Minamo taking in a gigantic breath as she steeled herself.
She walked over to the bed, carefully removing the cloth from the woman's forehead. A small bowl of ice water was on a nearby drawer, so she soaked the item in it and then slowly placed it back upon her. "...is...that fine?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
Minamo didn't hesitate, scurrying back to her place on the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees once again.
...I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it...
Even though the act she had performed was such a routine one, the woman laying by her someone she had been near, touched, felt a countless number of times before, Minamo's heart still fluttered wildly from the short contact. She had become so abashed just now, as if she had just met the object of her affection for the first time in her life, the electricity still dancing over her skin.
And again, that battle raged on inside of her, one side wanting to openly love Yukari, the other fighting it back with that unknown, terrible fear.
"Hey, Minamo."
She looked over to the bed nervously. "Y-yeah...?"
A small pause. "You shoulda' gone to that dinner. You didn't have to stay here."
"...umm..." Minamo hesitated, something a bit off in how her friend was speaking, like she were being overly reserved. "...no. Your folks aren't here, and..." She managed a small smile. "You never do well by yourself when you're sick...no offense. But...yeah, I'm not...just going to leave you here like that."
Another break in the dialogue, but then Yukari rolled to her side, facing away from her as she pulled her blanket over herself. "...thanks for stayin' with me, then. Sorry that I always ruin stuff."
The humble words caught her off guard, but Minamo quickly recovered herself, now understanding why the woman was behaving so politely. She recalled a few times in her past when Yukari had acted in this same manner before, whenever she been exhausted and sick as she now was, the ailments always making her more...thoughtful about things. Whereas inebriation simply multiplied the strength of her usual belligerent personality, suffering the drain of an affliction seemed to just somehow greatly sedate her rowdiness, unlocking her prideful defenses as some of her sincerity was let out. "Don't be silly...you didn't ruin anything. I...I..."
"...you what?"
"...I wasn't...very interested in going anyway. Y-you know...busy week...so, I was really...actually I was tired, so...this is nice...to just relax here..."
Yukari turned back to her a little, facing the ceiling now. "You're still not over graduation, huh?"
"...ah...yeah...I guess...so..."
"I knew it. You sounded kinda' weird. Well, to be honest, I was kind of thinkin' about some of that stuff too since yesterday. I mean...yeah, I guess I miss those kids a little too, but I was thinkin' more about us."
The last word got a jerk from her heart. "...'u-us'...?"
"It's just kinda' funny when I think about it. We went to the same high school, then we got jobs at the same high school, and now we just graduated our first seniors at the same time. When you think about it, that's pretty crazy. I wonder how many people out there found jobs with people they went to school or whatever with, and they're still workin' together, ya' know?"
She looked at her curiously, unsure of where the woman was going with this. "Ah...yeah...um...I don't know. I guess...it might happen often, but I don't know really know."
"I wonder how long we'll both be there. It's crazy."
Minamo's eyes went back to the television, a voice inside advising her to not follow up on that point for some reason. Yukari didn't seem to be bothered by the lack of response in any case, the woman sounding as if she were talking more to herself anyway, and Minamo didn't mind that. She just enjoyed whenever Yukari spoke like this, when she was more honest about herself, even if she wasn't actually talking to her per say.
"Hey...Yukari...can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, go for it."
"...do you think things will keep...staying like this, then?"
The woman turned towards her, being careful as to not let the damp cloth slip off her forehead. "Stay like what?"
"J-just...I mean..." She swallowed, finding it so difficult to ask what she wanted to, wondering why she even was. "...we've been...t-...together for awhile now...um...so...do you think, that, we'll keep...doing the same things? You know...like...working together, or...just hanging out here together, or wherever. Because...let's say...that if you got married, then, would we still...do the things we do now...like we are now?"
"Oh." Her friend looked back up. "I don't know. I don't see why not."
"...but I mean, whenever I'd want to come over, you know? That's what I mean...or whenever...you'd want to come to my place. It'd be different if one of us was married, right?"
Yukari pondered the question. "I guess. I dunno'. Would kind of have to happen first to see how it goes. I wouldn't get married though if it meant that I had to stop doin' the things I like to do, or couldn't go where I wanted to."
Minamo smiled weakly. "Yeah. I think...I would be the same way..."
A sigh came from the bed. "Not like that's gonna' happen anytime soon, anyway. We're on the sidelines nowadays, Minamo, let's face it."
"...you don't think...that you'll get married?"
"What's this 'you' stuff? I said 'we're'. But, yeah, I guess." She coughed again a few times. "I don't really care anymore, to be honest. I'm fine with how things are."
"R-r-really...?"
"Yeah. I just like doin' my own thing, I guess. I feel free."
"...well it's nice, I suppose. I like having time for my jobs...and...having my own place. I just...you know, you do get lonely sometimes..."
Yukari looked over to her again. "Oh, is that why you were askin' if you could come over still?"
She felt herself blush then, not bothering to hide the fact since the room was fairly dark. "Ah...I...I guess..."
"Well, you know that you're always welcome here."
Minamo took her time in responding, surprised by the woman's words. Even though she had gone through experiences like this with Yukari before, having an actual serious conversation with her was always still quite uncanny. "...do you really mean that, Yukari?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"
"...I just...appreciate hearing you say something like that."
"Why's that?"
She looked down the carpet, her hands clasped together in front of her legs. "It's just nice to hear..."
"It's not like you didn't know that before or somethin'. You've been comin' over here forever."
"I know. But still, it's...you know, it's just about...like I said, it's just a nice experience to have it be said to you. So...thanks..."
A few moments passed by, Yukari thinking to herself. "...you got a lot of that yesterday, huh?"
"A lot of what?"
"Kids sayin' nice things to you and whatever."
"...oh...graduation. Umm...I guess..."
"You don't gotta' be modest about it. Everyone's always doin' that sort of stuff for you. You always get tons of presents and stuff."
Minamo hesitated with her words just slightly, unsure of what Yukari's objective was for this conversation, of whether it would lead to one of her usual jealous rants. "...they're all just being very kind. They...they overdid it yesterday, I think..."
"Nah. Everyone loves you, so it's no surprise they did."
Once again, she was caught off guard. There wasn't any of that scorn or disdain in Yukari's voice whenever she was full of envy, but then again, her friend wasn't in her usual state of mind. "...y-you know...that's...that's sort funny that you mention that..."
"Why?"
"...yesterday...something...sort of awkward happened to me. I'm not trying to brag about this...it was just a very surreal thing to me. After all the other students left, one came back...and gave me a letter."
"A letter?"
"Yeah. It..."
...why am I telling her this...?
"...it was a love letter. I was...really surprised. This student, one of my homeroom students, had been in love with me since being a first year."
Yukari chuckled. "There ya' go. Now you can get married."
"...well...it was a female student..."
"Oh, a girl confessed to you, huh?"
Minamo withheld a gasp, shocked at how easily Yukari had just responded to the detail. "...ah...yeah. I didn't know how to handle it...very well. But...I think it went ok. I told her I appreciated it all, but...obviously...it wouldn't work out..."
Yukari scratched her nose. "You'd get fired in a heartbeat for goin' out with a kid."
Again, she held in her amazement, the woman not commenting on the obvious. "...well...that...and...of course, I didn't return her feelings. But...she took it alright, I guess. I actually...saw her later in the day. The kids had gotten together at one of those karaoke bars and I just stopped by...and she was doing ok. I was just afraid she'd be angry at me or something like that, like if I had screwed up and said anything possibly wrong to her...but we got along."
"Well, that's good. Lot o' kids get all sorts of messed up after gettin' rejected."
"...I guess you can put it that way. But...it..." Minamo gripped her fingers even more tightly together. "...it was just a different experience. I...I have to say that it was...very flattering..."
"What ya' mean?"
"...you know. I guess...maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle, but, it is kind of flattering to be hit on by another girl...or woman, right? Like...wow, you...you're even attractive to someone of your own sex..."
"Yeah, I guess so. What'd she tell you, anyway?"
"Tell me?"
"When she confessed to you. Like, did she go on some big, dramatic mush-trip, or play it cool, or what?"
"Oh...no, nothing very dramatic. She was really nervous, that's about it. She just said that she was in love with me. And...you know, she just liked how I look...and, you know...just usual lovey-dovey stuff."
"...yeah, I guess I can see the looks thing. You've always had that hot gender-bendin' thing goin' on for you, so no wonder she went gaga."
"...you think so?"
"Yeah. It's pretty attractive."
"...oh, hold on. My stomach's growling." Minamo got up. "I'm going to go make some noodles. You want some soup? You can eat soup."
Yukari yawned, her feet kicking under the blankets as she stretched. "Sure. Thanks."
Minamo smiled, politely and calmly making her way out of the room...
...and then sprinted to the kitchen, flying down the stairs as she screamed into it.
She dumped herself over the table, leaning against it with her hands, her jaw shivering uncontrollably.
...did she...
A gigantic, broken grin spread across her face, one that she didn't even notice come into existence.
...just say...that I was 'hot'...?
Some small, suppressed laughs of glee began to fill the area.
Did...
...did she...
... did she just flirt with me?
Her entire demeanor had now collapsed into a total, erratic mess, Minamo having just had to struggle immensely in order to keep herself together when Yukari had said those things to her. Every single sense in her body had sizzled furiously at the very moment that the compliment had been uttered, every single heartbeat now sending waves of pure ecstasy flying across her being, and, if she had remained in the room for even one more second...
...holy...holy crap...!
...I can't believe it...!
She does!
She...she does think I'm attractive!
Hot!
Hot even!
She said it! She said it! She said it! She said it...!
It was nearly unfathomable to her, of how just a few brief words had elicited such an incredible response on her own part, but Minamo felt as if some old, ravenous craving of hers had finally been fed the tiniest scrap of a delicacy. Something inside of her had been waiting, waiting for fifteen years, for Yukari to say something about her appearance like that. Not just an observation on some single part of her, some detail like her smile, but rather, an admiration that was far more grand in nature, more gestalt on what it approved of, much more fulfilling.
And even though she knew full well that Yukari was out of her regular sorts, it had still been her that had said it. Yukari Tanizaki had said it, with her own mouth, in her own way, right to her, and Minamo was absolutely positive that she had not misheard the words in the slightest of ways.
...what...am going to do now?
What...do I want to do?
I can't think...oh my gosh, I can't even think!
Sheer giddiness overtook her then, and in an instant, the Minamo that had originally stepped into this house had completely disappeared. The real Minamo, the one that had remained buried for so long, was now in full control, her liberation all thanks to the most simplest of comments by her beloved. The guilt, the faceless fear, the endless reasoning of why she shouldn't reveal her true nature, the terror of having everyone know, of having Yukari know that she had never been truthful to her, all of it was gone. Now, there was only blissful exuberance, the type of pure, unadulterated excitement that never even gave the tiniest bit of a damn about the consequences, that silenced all the voices.
Her hands were on her head, her fingers pulling at her hair in joy as a nascent Minamo Kurosawa got lost in it all.
Yukari...! Yukari! What do you think of me? What do you really...really...really think of me...?
Minamo continued to pace around the Tanizaki living room, her mind frantically considering all of her options, sleep not possible for her in any way whatsoever.
...I'm not going to do it like my student. Not outright. Slow. Slow and steady. That's my way. That's what I should do. Just gradually...gradually...
Yukari was in her room still, sleeping soundly after the light meal that she had been given. It was nearly 1:00 AM now, and more than likely, the woman would be down and out for the remainder of the night.
And that was fine for Minamo, because it gave her a chance to plan.
For tomorrow.
For the day after, then the week after, then the coming month...
I'll try that first. Yeah. That will work. Just remember, slow...slow. Just take it easy. Don't take risks...just keep it steady...
Another euphoric chill went through her chest, Minamo fully succumbing to it.
...I'm such a fool. I should have just done this...a long time ago. A long, long time ago...
Everything in the vault of her previous experience had just been cleaned out. Nothing from back then mattered now, nothing she had struggled with was of any concern to her.
Only one thing remained on Minamo's mind, and that was her desire.
She needed more.
She needed to hear it again. To hear Yukari talk about her.
That's all that mattered now.
To hear more about how she liked her appearance.
And then, to hear adoring comments about her personality.
And accomplishments.
And everything else about her.
She needed it badly, this drug, this intoxication that had finally come to her, that had finally been given to her, after years...
...and years...
...and years...
...of waiting for Yukari to grant it.
To just give some small hint of her relationship to her.
Just a small taste of something more.
So that when Minamo would tell her that she loved her, then...
...it will work. It'll work. Everything will be perfect...absolutely perfect...
The plan continued to formulate in her head, Minamo preparing herself for the summer where everything would finally change for her, exactly in the ways that her real heart had always wanted them to, the other one now drowning beneath an ocean of adrenaline and excitement.