Both Sides - Part II
Astrid
Whenever Astrid entered her or rather their apartment, she felt a certain level of security. This was her home, it had always been and although it didn't belong to just her anymore and even with the massive alterations they'd made during the last year it was still… home. Their home. Here, she'd always felt safe and after Hiccup had moved in, it had become everything she'd ever wanted. It was her safe haven in so many aspects of this word, her little piece of Valhalla and she only shared it with the few people she loved.
They'd thought about moving, about buying or building a house somewhere to have more space than a simple three bedroom apartment could offer. But they both had been reluctant. Almost without exceptions all their happy memories, whether from their time as kids or now as grown-ups, belonged to this apartment. They'd had so many sleepovers here when they were small and later there'd always been this small working bench with a second set of tools here in Astrid's room for the not so rare occasions when Hiccup suddenly needed to work on one of his inventions. Astrid was pretty sure that it had been here, during one of their countless movie nights probably, where they'd first fallen in love with each other and it had been here where they'd comforted each other after that accident at the docks. It had been here where they'd met and reconnected after those long ten years without each other, it had been here where they'd had their first time together and it had been here where they'd started to build their shared life. Moving someplace else… That hadn't been an option, really.
And so, they'd stayed. And although it didn't look much like the place she'd grown up in anymore it still felt like home. After some efforts of persuasion, they'd been allowed to merge their apartments into one by tearing down the wall between them. Their shared bedroom, her training room, her converted walk-in closet with all her gear and equipment, and the living room had stayed where they'd been before but where her and Hiccup's small separate kitchens had been there was now one wide open kitchen space with a counter around it. On the other side of this kitchen, where Hiccup's or more precisely the Ingerman's apartment had been, were now the rooms they didn't use as often but still had needed. The former living room had become a formal dining room instead and the bigger bedroom now held Hiccup's workshop while the smaller rooms had become his office and a guest room with a bed, a closet and a desk in it. This more formal part of their home was for meetings with business partners and for the occasional social events they were bound to be a part of. It was something they'd needed but didn't really want to be a part of their daily life and this solution was just perfect. Two entrances for two different parts of their life.
Astrid loved their home, loved that they'd been able to stay here, loved that it was still their home, despite the alterations and she loved that the private part was still private and something they only ever shared with those dear to them. And now, Lissy was here as well…
The girl had been very quiet throughout the whole day, in the hospital, in the mall, at Carlo's and during their ride here as well. Maybe she was always like this, not very talkative and more withdrawn by nature and Astrid was convinced that, to a degree, this indeed was the case. But she still had the feeling that this was not her usual behavior somehow, that she, too, had something that bothered her and made her more thoughtful than usual. Well, she probably would find out sooner or later… For now, she stayed as quiet as she'd been before. After they'd entered the apartment she'd inspect the homely living room with the countless pictures on the walls for quite some time and while they'd eaten and had tried to keep up a casual conversation, she'd just listened, her mind obviously working through a lot.
It had been hard, talking lightly with Hiccup and trying to make Lissy participate in their conversation when the girl was determined to stay quiet and when there were so many other things she and Hiccup needed to sort out. Soon they'd ended up without any more easy topics and after Lissy had answered a few more questions with monosyllable grunts only, Astrid had given up. They'd spent the rest of their dinner in silence, everyone caught up in his own thoughts. That hadn't been too bad, though. It had been a kind of comfortable silence after she'd accepted it and she'd used it to ponder her options.
Earlier, right after they'd arrived in their apartment, she'd brought her pharmacy purchases into the bathroom. Lissy's painkillers she'd placed into their medicine cabinet where they would be ready at hand in case they needed them. The other two boxes though had been more tricky. She'd open the one she'd bought in addition to take one of the small pills as the old pharmacist had advised her to do and with heavily shaking hands she'd then hidden both boxes in the back of the drawer that was reserved for her make-up and sanitary articles. She couldn't do more today anyway, needed to wait… for tomorrow, if she dared of for another day. If only things hadn't become so complicated today! She couldn't tell Hiccup, not yet…
Hiccup
Dealing with Lissy became easier over time. Or rather, dealing with her presence at least… It was still strange to have her around but by now he at least functioned reasonably well again. And then, he had to, anyway. She would stay here, in their apartment and in their lives, for quite some time. He simply had to get used to her, there was no avoiding it. A practical and also logically necessary activity like arranging their guest room for her was a great help for him to acclimatize to this new situation.
It was something to do, something where he didn't need to concentrate too much but also enough to keep his mind from wandering. Window open for ventilation? Check. Removing some dust and hoovering? Check. Making up the bed with fresh sheets? Check.
This room wasn't used very often so it had been in a rather sorry state, really. The last occupant had been one of the few more likable business partners of his, one he would even call a friend. Instead of letting him book a hotel room, they'd offered their guest room to him, which was the reason why they had this room anyway. For now at least… But even this was months ago, so now it had been just dusty and stuffy, really. After he was done with his tasks, he glanced around the room once more and sighed. Not the most homely or friendly room, surely not fitting for a kid but it had to do, he mused while scratching his neck. The door opened behind him then and Astrid entered, carrying in Lissy's green backpack and the bags with her new clothes.
"Lissy is taking a shower." She announced with a sigh and he took the bags out of her hand to place them on the freshly made bed. She looked tired and worn out somehow as if she needed a good night's rest and badly, too. He took her into his arms and buried his nose into her hair, inhaling deeply. After they'd arrived at their apartment, their evening had become much calmer but having Lissy here still kept it from being relaxing, really. It was just too strange. They had no idea what to do with her, really and trying to keep her entertained took its toll. This quiet moment now… He needed it to get grounded again, to get a grip on what was important, on what to do now. And apparently, the same went for Astrid as well. She wrapped her arms around his torso and drew herself tight against him, her face buried against his shoulder. He felt her trembling for a moment and then relax noticeably in his arms.
"You're alright?" He asked although it was a stupid question. Of course, she wasn't, even a blind man could have seen that. But then, that was not what he meant. If Lissy took a shower they probably had a few minutes to themselves. Not all that much, far from enough, but at least it was something. If she wanted to talk…
But she just shook her head against his shoulder while making a strange noise, something between a sob and a laugh. "And you?" She asked with a shaky voice and he guessed the noise that escaped him then sounded much like hers. Right… So, neither of them was alright, really, but a few minutes were far too little time, again. And even if they had more time… What would he tell her? Should he tell her who Carina was? That she'd been the girl with whom he'd had some sort of relationship once? What good would that do? He had no feelings for Carina and only loved Astrid. The simple fact that she'd stumbled back into his life now didn't change anything. And he wouldn't tell her about her statement concerning Lissy and who she was. Not until he had any proof either way. Astrid was upset enough, whatever it was that bothered her, he didn't want to burden her further with what was most likely just a false accusation.
Astrid
Standing there in Hiccup's arms, it was all she wanted to do right now, really. They could try to talk things over, she supposed. But in her case at least, she didn't have enough information to come to any solution, so why bother? The upcoming days would bring all necessary revelations and until then, fretting about something she wasn't even sure about didn't make much sense. Yeah… right… She would keep telling her this until, maybe, she would believe it as well…
She tightened her arms around him for a moment to chase away her demons for a little while longer before she let go of him, the mask of that easy smile in place again. "Let's get things ready here," she said and reached for one of the bags with the clothes again. She wanted to sort them into the closet's shelves to make this as much of a home for Lissy as possible for the duration of her stay. Hiccup didn't answer but after watching her for a short while longer, he grabbed one of the other bags and helped her. They worked in silence next to each other and every so often their fingers met and paused for a moment or their hands brushed over each other's arms or backs.
They needed each other. There were many unsaid things between them right now but that didn't really matter. They would sort out everything when the time came, it was just another obstacle on their way, just another challenge, she had to believe in that! Right now, all they needed was the reassurance of each other's presence, their closeness, and their love.
When all the colorful clothes had been tucked away onto the shelves, Astrid reached for the light green backpack. Lissy had given her permission to open it and arrange the things therein as well. It wasn't all that much, anyway. There was the much-used pencil case and the sketchpad the girl had used at Carlo's already and another notebook that could be a diary and she placed those on the desk in case she would want to draw some more later again. Astrid remembered seeing her sitting there in silence and drawing back in the restaurant, completely oblivious to her surroundings… It had been a strange and yet all too famil-
No!
Astrid closed her eyes and tore herself away from this thought. She reached into the backpack again and found a small photo frame with a picture of Lissy and her mother in it. The resemblance between mother and daughter were astounding. On this picture, Carina Johnson's hair was longer and reached halfway down her back just like Lissy's now, too. Those were the same silvery blond strands and the same gray-blue eyes. Well, almost… They also had the same slim frame, the same slender shoulders… And all these similarities made the few differences all the more obvious. Astrid deliberately placed the frame on the small nightstand and looked up at Hiccup, who'd stepped toward the desk to flip through the sketchpad.
Of course, this would draw his attention… She watched him for a while, smiling to herself before she dared to interrupt his contemplations. "Anything interesting in there?" She asked and he flinched, slightly startled. Hastily, he closed the sketchpad again and turned toward her.
"Those aren't too bad." He said, shrugging. "She has talent, I'd say. And what's this?" He asked, nodding toward the photo frame. She didn't bother to react to this, though, with the answer obvious like this anyway. Instead, she reached into the backpack again and retrieved the last piece, a plush toy, completely in black. She stared at it for a moment and then began to laugh.
Hiccup
Hiccup's gaze was locked firmly on the sketchpad in front of him. He had wanted to ask Lissy about it but hadn't really dared to address her directly during their meal. Again, if had felt wrong for him to be the one asking her those questions. And then, she hadn't been very talkative anyway. But here now it was, lying directly in front of him and Lissy had given them permission to look at the things in her backpack, hadn't she? Well, she'd given it to Astrid and maybe it didn't cover looking at her sketches, really, but… But he was just so curious, he needed to take a look at her drawings. It wasn't so much about the motives as he very well knew how personal the choice of motives could be. No, what he wanted to take a look at was the level of skill and talent in those pictures. It was after all possible that the apparent talent he'd noticed in her draft earlier had been more of a fluke, a coincident. Maybe she wasn't as talented after all. Maybe…
He flipped through the pages and with every new picture he saw, his heart sank further. She was good. Very good! He swallowed and tried to not let his emotions show on his face. He stared unseeingly down at the desk, not really noticing the pictures anymore when he heard Astrid's voice. "Anything interesting in there?" She asked with an amused tone in her voice and he closed the sketchpad hastily. He wasn't really supposed to look at it and he knew that… but there was no point in pretending now, she'd obviously caught him redhanded. Had there been any interesting pictures? He didn't remember, really, hadn't paid attention at all…
"Those aren't too bad. She has talent, I'd say." He said calmly, the only thing he could come up with and it was the truth after all. "And what's this?" He asked to change the topic and looked at what she'd place on the nightstand. Stupid question! He scolded himself as he recognized a photo frame. Unsurprisingly, the picture showed Lissy and Carina and the lack of anyone else on it was painfully obvious to him. Should he be on this picture as well? He still couldn't imagine himself there, but-
Astrid's laughter startled him out of his gloomy thoughts and his head whipped around to look at her again. His life… their lives, really, were about to crumble and break, how could she laugh in a situation like this? But of course, she had no idea… "Didn't you used to have one just like this when we were kids?" She asked and held her hands with the black lump in it up and toward him.
He blinked. For a moment, he couldn't really comprehend what it was he was looking at. Or well… Obviously, it was a plush toy, one that was valuable enough for Lissy to bring on this vacation of theirs. It was all black and from the looks of it used very frequently, with the fabric rough and slightly torn at a few places. But then he realized that it wasn't all black and recognized it. He recognized the light green eyes and the small white teeth of the little lizard and as Astrid turned it around to look at it herself again, he saw the bright red fin on its tail. Despite everything, he chuckled. Astrid had been right, he used to have one exactly like this.
"Right, it looks exactly like Tegs," he said, grinning. "Maybe a little more outworn. Too bad I lost mine, they would make quite a pair." He added, still laughing. Funny, that Lissy had one like these, too.
"You lost him? Oh no! He was so cute!" Astrid teased him. His old plush dragon had always been the target of her mockery but he'd loved the little monster nonetheless.
"Yeah, during one of my relocations." He explained further. He actually had been sad to have lost his childhood toy back then. "I thought I'd packed him into one of the boxes but when I arranged my new apartment, I couldn't find him anymore. He was just… gone…" He trailed off at the end as the memories of these days resurfaced once again today. Yes, he remembered… It had been the relocation from their dorm into his own apartment at the end of his second year at the college. Could it be… Had Carina…?
"Huh, this one doesn't growl, though," Astrid stated, oblivious to his inner struggles while she pressed on the dragon's belly repeatedly. "But I can feel the mechanism inside, maybe her mother turned it off or the batteries are dead." She mused.
"You can't turn it off," Hiccup muttered absentmindedly and reached for the toy. It was ten year's ago… Would he be able to identify his Tegs? He gulped when Astrid handed it to him and turned it around in his hands. He wasn't sure… Hadn't that loose thread at the eye been there on his toy, too? But there were so many loose threads now, it could be a coincidence. And how could this be his? He'd lost Tegs… This couldn't…
He placed the plush dragon on the bed and swallowed once. "I think we're done here," he said and turned to leave the guest room.
Astrid
Slightly confused, Astrid watched after Hiccup as he hurriedly left the guest room. Something had upset him just know but she did not know what it had been exactly. He acted so strangely today and a part of her wanted to corner him and demand answers. It had never done either of them any good to try and keep something from the other, but…
But Heather had given her the advice to give him time. Astrid trusted her and she trusted Hiccup. Maybe things were different this time, maybe some time would help. It certainly would help in her case at least.
She shook her head to chase those gloomy thoughts away and took a last look around the room. Surely, this was not what a kid would want as its room, but with the few personal items, it had gotten a little bit warmer at least. Maybe they could do a little more shopping tomorrow so that Lissy could choose some decoration, pictures or anything. She would have to stay for quite a while after all.
Astrid picked up the plush dragon again and a regretful smile crossed her face as she remembered a younger Hiccup holding his Tags in his arms and a not quite as young Hiccup defending the same from her teasing. She had liked the dragon, despite her mockery. It had always been a part of him somehow. To think he lost it…
She got up and left the room as well, taking the toy with her. If it was important enough for Lissy to bring it on their vacation then she would probably be glad to see it now, too. Maybe she would open up a bit, gain more confidence…
When Astrid reached their living room, she found Hiccup sitting on the couch, head resting on his propped up hands and staring thoughtfully out the window into the oncoming night. He seemed lost and forlorn in a way she'd never seen him before. It frightened her to see him like this and imagining what might have caused this turmoil within him… She sat down by his side and reached for his hand. There had to be something she could do for him. He reacted as hoped, though, took her hand, interlaced his fingers with hers, squeezed it lightly and gave her a small smile. It was not a happy one, though, not really.
"Hiccup…" she began, but he looked past her, sat up straighter and shook his head. Astrid turned to see what he was looking at and caught sight of Lissy as the girl left the bathroom. Without the traces of dried blood in her hair and on her cheeks, she looked significantly better and far less alarming.
"Hey!" Astrid said, stood up and walked toward her. "Feeling any better now?" She asked and took a closer look at the wound on the girl's head. It wasn't a big one, really. The doctor hadn't even thought it necessary to stitch it up and one off the nurses had replaced the exaggerated bandage with a sticking-plaster before they'd left the hospital. But even that was unnecessary, really. Astrid had removed it and had carefully washed the hair and skin around the wound and now it could stay that way.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Lissy answered and she really did sound more lively, her eyes a little brighter as they scanned the room. "Hey, that's mine!" she called out suddenly, rushed through the room and snatched her plush dragon out of Hiccup's hands. She glared at him as he gave her a rueful smile.
"No doubts about that," he reassured her. "I just wanted to take a closer look. You see, I had a similar one when I was a kid."
Lissy's glare turned more into a pout but she seemed to be appeased nonetheless. "Alright," she said reluctantly. "You may look at it… You like dragons, too?"
Astrid tried to hide her grin behind her hand as Hiccup nodded. "Yeah, dragons are great!" He said with a smile and Astrid bit her lip. She knew how much of an understatement that was, coming from Hiccup of all people. "But this one looks pretty worn out. For how long did you have it?" He asked nonchalantly, though Astrid noticed the strained expression on his face.
"I don't know, really," Lissy shrugged. "Forever?" She handed the toy back to Hiccup and he took it obediently. His hands were trembling, though and even though Astrid didn't know why, she decided to interfere on his behalf.
"Do you know what kind of batteries it requires?" She inquired to distract Lissy. "Maybe we have some spare and can replace them. You know, to make it growl again." She suggested but Lissy shook her head.
"Batteries won't help, it's broken," she said soberly. "I wanted to fix it but my mom refused to buy suitable tools for me. Too dangerous for a kid! She always said." At this, Lissy rolled her eyes and Astrid held back another grin.
"Well, maybe she was right about this, though," she said, remembering how many smaller and sometimes not so small cuts Hiccup used to have on his hands and forearms when they were kids. "But since you've been so generous to let Hiccup look at your dragon, he might be inclined to repair it for you, if you ask nicely." Lissy's eyes grew wide and she turned back to Hiccup.
"You're able to do that?" She asked, bewildered and Hiccup nodded, lips twitching.
"Yeah, I think I could give it a try," he chuckled and Astrid chimed in. Of course, Hiccup would be able to do that. He had done so before, after all, and so many more demanding things as well. Lissy's gaze wandered from one to the other and back again a few times, puzzled by their sudden humor and finally resigned to cross her arms and glare at the both of them.
"Let him try," Astrid suggested in between laughing. "You can always supervise him, so he won't ruin in completely." Hiccup smirked at that and Astrid laughed even harder. She knew very well how little he liked it to have someone watching over his shoulder while he worked but he would have to put up with it this time.
"Alright then," Hiccup got up and indicated Lissy to follow him, grinning. "Let's try to heal this dragon!"
Astrid stood in the doorway to Hiccup's workshop, arms crossed in front of her and leaning against the doorframe, while she watched Hiccup and Lissy. They leaned over the mechanism they'd pulled out of its pouch on the dragon's back and Astrid couldn't help but smile to herself. It had started a bit awkward but by now, Hiccup was explaining everything he did in a calm voice and didn't even seemed to mind anymore that Lissy was watching and asking questions. It had been the same as with Dr. C. earlier. The way she asked after details and used the correct technical terms, it seemed to have made Hiccup forget that he was, in fact, talking to a little girl who wasn't really supposed to have this knowledge. She really was strange, sometimes…
Equally strange was how her mere presence had been able to chase away their almost depressed mood and how easily both she and Hiccup had been able to laugh again when they hadn't felt like laughing at all only minutes before. But Astrid wouldn't complain… She watched Lissy handing Hiccup the soldering iron after he'd asked for it and her smile brightened. He seemed to have completely forgotten that it wasn't Fishlegs or her who assisted him and couldn't deny the relief this stirred up in her. Hiccup had not been happy that she'd invited Lissy to stay with them but maybe he would come to terms with it, nonetheless. And, maybe, she hadn't made the wrong decision after all…
A few minutes later, a loud growl sounded through the apartment, followed by Lissy's cheerful cry and the clap of a high-five. "You did it!" She squealed and flung her arms around Hiccup's neck. He seemed to freeze for a moment and then awkwardly patted her back. Astrid grinned and, after throwing a glance at her watch, approached the happy dragon parents.
"Congratulations, you got a growling baby dragon, I'm so proud of you," she said teasingly. "But now, Daddy has to excuse us, Lissy needs to sleep!" She added resolutely and Hiccup flinched at her words.
Lissy's face fell. "Already?" She asked, pouting, but Astrid nodded.
"It's past ten already and we have a demanding day ahead of us," she scratched her neck. "You'll have to come with us to the dragon's lair, I guess. And to T's…" She added as she remembered her appointment for the next day. Well, maybe that would give them the chance to look for some decorations or further clothes as well.
"The dragon's lair?" Lissy asked with gleaming eyes but Hiccup snorted.
"Yeah," he huffed. "But don't get too excited about that name. Let's just hope you don't actually run into the dragon. I think, she wouldn't like that…"
Hiccup
Hiccup lay in their bed, a sleeping Astrid in his arm, and stared at the ceiling. All these different emotions and thoughts kept haunting him and were stealing his sleep as he tried to come to terms with everything that had happened today. Getting this letter from Carina; He'd thought that would be the worst thing that ever happened to him. But this day had taught him a lesson. The lesson, that things always could get worse no matter how bad they seemed to be and also that in between all these bad things good moments could hide as well.
He ran his free hand through his hair as he'd done multiple times already since they'd gone to bed. He wasn't sure what to think anymore. He still didn't want to believe that Lissy could be his daughter. And yet… He couldn't deny that she was amazing and he'd recognized so many similarities between him and her. She was only nine and yet her spatial sense and her ability to transfer what she saw down on paper were on such a high level that most people would never reach her skills. He wasn't surprised that Carina hadn't bothered herself with buying tools or with spurring on the development of Lissy's talent as she probably wasn't even able to recognize said talent. She hadn't understood him and he'd been a student of engineering science, how should she be able to understand a child, to recognize what she was capable of. Well, even if she turned out not to be his daughter, he would keep an eye on her, maybe talk to Carina about Lissy's talent and about how best to support it. In a way, that would be easier if he actually was her father. Wouldn't he have a say in her education then as well?
He groaned quietly and tore at his hair. No, things would not be easier if he was her father! Subconsciously, he drew Astrid closer to his side but froze when she mumbled incoherently in her sleep. He didn't want to wake her, not now, not after an evening like this. Lissy hadn't been able to sleep for a very long time which was all too understandable after what she must have been through with the accident and her mother and the need to rely on complete strangers and all. But Astrid had been so tired and exhausted and although he'd suggested she should go to bed while he looked after Lissy, she'd refused and had stayed with him. They had lain on the couch, entangled in each other's arms and had watched TV while they'd waited for Lissy to fall asleep and stop rummaging about in her room or coming over to them to ask for another glass of water or to go to the loo. They'd even settled for a child-friendly movie, something about fairytale creatures like the tooth fairy fighting the bogeyman, or something like that so that the pictured wouldn't freak Lissy out in case she caught any glimpses of the TV. It had been almost midnight when the noises from their guest room finally died down and he practically had to carry Astrid over to their bedroom.
Hiccup looked down at her sleeping form and felt again the rising lump in his throat. She was all he wanted from life, all he ever had wished for and dreamed of. And everything had been perfect. Astrid had wanted to get her wedding dress and to choose a location this week, while they'd already decided on a design for the invitations and menus and the like last week. They had planned to be married within the span of two months but now this plan had receded into the distance, unachievable and out of reach. Or maybe not…
Two days… He would have to live through two more days and maybe, hopefully, then this nightmare would be over. He couldn't lose her. As much as he despised this thought, he was aware of the fact that he resembled Valka in more ways than he liked. And he knew what it had done to her to lose the man she loved. Losing Astrid… that would destroy him!
He put his free arm around her waist, lightly, and drew himself closer to her. Her warmth was all the reassurance he needed or so he kept telling himself while his whole body began to tremble violently and he wasn't able to keep himself together anymore. All he could do was trying to suppress his sobbing as best he could while the tears ran freely down his cheeks.
As always, reviews are highly apprechiated! :)