It was mentioned before occasionally and will come up here as well… There is another part to the 'Both Sides' chapters, that I won't upload here. Maybe I'll write it out in the near future and upload it as part of 'The Missing Scenes'. Until then just know, that after 'Both Sides II' where Hiccup ended up actually crying, Astrid woke and they had some sort of conversation, though not one that involved many words. It was merely an exchange to comfort and reassure each other, to unwind a bit and distract from the things that bedeviled both of them. It left them more relaxed and appeased, for a while at least.
Aside from that, I also wrote another side story to this. 'My Game, my Rules' it is called and it is an M-rating, with good reason! There is, however, an actual story part at the end that might be good to know about before reading this chapter. I separated that part from the rest of the story, so for those interested in some background information but not interested in smut, just go and read the 6th and last chapter of 'My Game, My Rules'. That one will still be M-rated but not as hardcore as the rest.
Many questions and one simple answer
Hiccup
Hiccup sat in his office at his desk and stared down at his phone. Yes, they would need to talk tonight… About a lot!
The shock over Carina's letter and over seeing her and Lissy on Monday had numbed him, had made him almost blind to everything else. But holding Astrid in his arms that night had brought back some perspective although that didn't mean it had lightened his problems in any way. It had reminded him of how he never wanted to live without her ever again but he also knew that might not be his decision. It had settled his mind in one way, though. He knew now that, as long as the decision was up to him, he would always choose her, no matter what. He felt sorry for Carina and for Lissy especially but choosing to stay with them, as he knew very well he should in case he really was Lissy's father, well, that just wouldn't do. They would be a part of his life, nothing would be able to change that and of course, he would follow his duty and care for them. But acting out being a family would do neither of them any justice. But then, this decision wasn't his, really. It would be Astrid's decision, whether she still wanted to be with him at all after she learned about this. If there was anything to learn…
His cleared head on Tuesday morning had led to one other realization. He had realized, that Astrid, too, quarreled with her own problems. He had no idea what those could be. He had tried to come up with an explanation, had gone through everything that had happened during the last days, had tried to find a reason for her anxiety but he hadn't been able to come up with a sufficient explanation. A part of him feared she might have gotten cold feet but that was only a very small part. No, he didn't really believe that to be the case, not after all they'd been through in their lives. And then she was so eager to get all the preparations for their wedding done, didn't even want to put up with waiting for only five short months for her favorite location to be available. No, it had to be something else. It also could be the stress of the past weeks finally crashing down on her, now that she had time to actually relax, but… Well, he'd gotten the impression that it was something bigger than that, that she was keeping her own secrets from him.
He trusted her and knew she would have her reasons, would talk to him about it when she was ready. He just hoped she would do so soon so he could help her carry her burden, whatever it would be. In case she would let him after today's revelations…
He had dreaded and awaited this day. Whatever the outcome of today's events would be, he would finally know for sure and could stop overthinking every possibility. All this pondering drove him crazy! He needed to know, finally to know for sure, needed to tell Astrid, if there was anything to tell, and, if she still would talk to him afterward, talk about how they would deal with this situation, if there was a situation. But this day dragged on longer than he would have thought possible and it was barely even noon…
A part of him still believed… hoped… whatever… that Carina had just made up this story to blackmail him. It just didn't make any sense! They'd been friends in college, good friends even. Yes, friends with benefits but still good friends. Besides having sex, they'd also talked about all kinds of stuff. It just didn't make any sense for her not to tell him sooner if she'd been having his child. But then, a lot of things hadn't made sense back then. Like the rejection, he'd experienced from all their former friends and the lack of any contact at all. He'd expected to stay in touch with her, through emails at least, but not even that had happened. And then to come up with this story now… From what Lissy had told them so far, he guessed that they'd always struggled when it came to money but had also always managed somehow. Again, it didn't make any sense that Carina would come up with this now and in this strange manner especially.
And then, there was another part of him. A strangely detached part, a part that would listen to neither rhyme or reason, that was staying in the background but was always there! A part that had grown fond of Lissy and would actually be proud to be her father.
"Hiccup?" a voice tore him out of these disturbing thoughts and he looked up to find Heather leaning in the doorway to his office.
"Hey, Heather," he greeted her and rubbed his forehead to wipe away those thoughts. He didn't want to think anything like that! If this test would prove his paternity, then that would be the worst thing that could happen today! That, and everything that would follow. Confessing to Astrid that he knew Carina, telling her who she was and bringing up the mere idea of the possibility he might have been Lissy's father, that would be horrible enough. And he did not want to think of this now, not with always too observant Heather around! Sure, he didn't need to hide anything from her, not anymore, but he needed to regain a clear head anyway. "What's up?"
She gave him a long scrutinizing look. "Have you two talked?" she asked finally and he frowned. Hadn't it been her very reasonable idea to wait until he knew for sure?
"No, we haven't," he answered with a sigh. "Have you heard anything about the test yet? Do you know how much longer it's going to take?"
"I see…" Heather mumbled and threw him another, unreadable look, confusing him further before she answered. "The guys down in the lab did their best, some even worked through the nights, just so you know. I'll have the result in a few hours."
Hiccup gulped. "Thanks," he whispered. Sometimes it was just too easy to forget how lucky he was… "Could you… I don't know… thank them in any way, too? I mean…" He broke off and bit his lip. It wasn't like he could go there himself and thank them for their effort when all this was about hiding who's DNA exactly is was they were analyzing.
"Consider it done," Heather stated simply and gave him another one of her strange glances. "Just promise me one thing. Talk to Astrid as soon as possible, okay?" She paused and before she turned to return to her office, she added: "I don't like keeping secrets from a friend…"
Hiccup stood in the hospital's entrance hall, hidden behind a pillar and threw yet another glance at his phone. He felt bad for tracking Astrid's every movement through her phone's GPS but he really, really, really didn't want to run into her right now. He didn't want to explain why he, too, had come to the hospital to talk to Carina. He would talk to Astrid later, would tell her everything, would hold nothing back but first he needed to know himself! It just wouldn't do to tell her the smattering he knew now, that would only make things worse.
He hadn't been able to sit and wait in his office any longer. He'd been too keyed-up to do anything productive anyway and the strange glances Heather had given him had done the rest. Besides, he had planned to talk to Carina anyway, so why not do it now when she was finally awake and he had to kill a few hours in any case. He rather would have had the test result in hand so he could confront her with the hard facts but he still couldn't imagine a scenario in which that was necessary. They had been friends!
On a short notice, he'd decided to take a cab to get to the hospital instead of the bus. His ride that morning had been horrible enough with all those strangers giving him these glances he knew all too well by now and with those giggling girls that had kept nudging each other. No more bus rides for him if he could help it! With the cab, he had reached his destination far sooner than expected, though and the risk of actually running into her and Lissy had been too great. And really, according to the readout on his phone, they should pass him any moment…
He threw another glance out of his hiding place and sure enough caught sight of Astrid's shining golden hair as she and Lissy came down the stairs. They both didn't look happy exactly but from this distance, he couldn't see more. They reached the floor and walked through the hall, past his hiding space and out through the glass doors without exchanging one word or glance or paying any heed to their surroundings. Seeing them both detached like that gave him a bad feeling. Had something happened to Carina? Or had she told Astrid everything after all?
He'd thought it unlikely that Carina would do so after she'd gone to such length to keep that bit of information from Astrid for now. And then, obviously, Lissy didn't know of any of this as well or the girl surely would have said something by now. In addition, he doubted the two of them would have calmly walked side by side, both caught up in their own thoughts in case Carina had just dropped that bomb on them. It was possible but highly unlikely…
His eyes followed Astrid's figure as they made their way through the park, away from the hospital and he mentally apologized for being such a coward, for hiding when all he wanted was to rush toward her, to hold her in his arms and tell her everything. But first, he needed to know… He inhaled deeply and made his way up to the ICU, toward the girl – no, the woman who'd been his friend once and who now held the answers he needed. When he reached the ICU and his former room though, he heard a voice calling to him through the corridor.
"Mr. Haddock!" Dr. Cullen jogged toward him, agile as always. "I didn't expect to see you here as well today. I'm sorry, but I fear you just missed your fiancée." Hiccup shook the offered hand and nodded toward the surgeon. Ever since the man had attached his Pegleg and the months of rehab thereafter, a careful friendship of some sort had arisen between them.
"Dr. Cullen, good to see you." He replied in a calm and friendly voice, that came almost natural by now whenever the situation called for a careful formal front. "Yes, I know she already left. But I need to talk to Ms. Johnson, too. There are matters about her daughter that my fiancée didn't think of asking."
The other man gave him a thoughtful look and nodded. "I see," he said. "but I fear, you won't be able to talk to Ms. Johnson right now. Ms. Hofferson and Elisabeth left because it was time for her next dose of painkillers. She'll be asleep by now." He took a glance at his watch. "For two or three hours at least, I'd say. You're free to wait, of course, or I could have you called when she wakes up."
Hiccup slumped down inwardly. Another few hours to wait… That seemed to be the motto of the day. But there really wasn't anything else to do… "I'll wait, thanks!" He announced and the doctor nodded.
"I'd say ask the nurses if you need anything, but you know your way around." He paused for a moment and was about to say something else when his beeper sounded and he hastily excused himself. Hiccup watched after him, biting his lip and thought about what to do now. First, he would get himself a coffee and maybe some buns for lunch and then he would wait, as dreadful as that prospect was right now. More time to think, to ponder every option, to drive himself insane! After an hour though, the waiting room got fairly crowded as one patient and, apparently, his entire football team entered and Hiccup left the room to them and their noisy chatter. He considered returning to the cafeteria downstairs but it had been equally crowded and that was something, he couldn't bear right now. So he did the only thing he still could think of and, after consoling with Margareth, quietly entered Carina's room to wait there.
It was so strange to see her there, though not as bad as it had been on Monday. On Monday he still had hoped for some miracle, had hoped for an incredible coincident and those hopes had been thoroughly shattered when he'd finally seen and recognized her. Today it wasn't as bad but still bad enough. For today, he was alone. There was no one around to see him and keeping an unfazed façade only for his own sake was all but impossible. He took a ragged breath where he stood near the door, staring at the pale face amidst the pillows, tubes, and wires.
She'd been his friend! A good friend, compared to others at that time. Her behavior now just didn't make any sense! How had they ended up at different ends of a blackmail attempt, for Thor's sake? He'd often wondered what had become of her, had actually done so only a few weeks ago. But to have his question answered like this… She didn't look good. Sure, much of that was because of that accident, the bloody scratches on her face, the thick bandages and all… But there was more. She looked thin and haggard and that surely was not just because of the accident and the surgery thereafter.
He shook his head and sat down on the chair at the small table that stood across the room. This brooding wouldn't help him, he needed solid answers! He tried to distract himself, tried to think of more practical things, how to continue with one or another project, but these days his mind was not capable of topics like that. He also thought about whether he should get some dinner on his way home but then, he wasn't even sure how he would get home today, least when or in which state. Or whether anyone would be in the mood to eat anything anyway…
For what felt like the hundred's time, he tried to think about how to break the news to Astrid if there were any news but just like every other time, the proper words eluded him. Probably because there simply were no proper words for a situation like this. Hey, my love. I'm sorry, but the girl you invited to stay with us is actually my daughter. Yeah, right… Hey, wanna hear a joke? Apparently, there's no need for you to get pregnant anymore, because I already am a dad. So not funny! With a groan, he buried his face in his hands. There were no good words to deliver this news. And no mediocre ones either. And it didn't really matter how he would tell her anyway. If he had to tell her this, then it would hurt her. He would hurt her. He'd sworn to himself that he would never hurt her… He shifted to let his head rest on the cold table. Maybe… just maybe… Maybe there wouldn't be anything to tell her. Just who Carina was, just that he wanted to help her and her daughter. Nothing more. Maybe… His gaze shifted back toward the bed where the answers to his problems lay, buried inside her head. If only she would wake up soon!
But Carina needed all the rest she could get! He tore his gaze away from her again and his eyes fell on something that lay on the floor beside her bed, half hidden beneath it. It was a small, light green backpack. Lissy's backpack? Surely, it must be! She must have forgotten it when she'd been here earlier. Quietly, he walked over to the bed, picked the backpack up and sat down again. Maybe he could make at least Lissy happy when he brought her pencils and sketch pad back… The latter actually peeked out of the bag through the opened zipper and on it, he recognized a pair of all too familiar eyes and the proper face to go with them. Almost on its own accord, his hand reached for the sketch pad to take a look at Astrid's image on the paper. It was faultless. Lissy had been able to perfectly capture her beauty, her vivid eyes, and witty expression and looking at her warm smile made a lump rise in his throat. Would she ever look at him like that again after today? Gods, he hoped she would! If not he wasn't sure how to continue. But he would need to! In case he actually would lose Astrid today – Just to think these words caused incredible pain and his breathing accelerated – then it was because he had a daughter. Even if there would be nothing else left for him, for her he would need to continue…
Swallowing hard, he tore his eyes away from Astrid's image and with barely any interest took a look at the other pictures. He saw Heather and Fishlegs, Dr. Cullen, Margaret and two people he didn't know, though he guessed those would be the Thorston-Twins Astrid and Lissy had told him about last night. And he saw himself and his mother. Valka! he berated himself reflexively. Strange, he hadn't even been aware that Valka and Lissy had already met, neither had mentioned it. But then, why would they… Lissy had no idea who that woman might be and Valka… Well, she hadn't talked to him at all since he'd abruptly left her office after that argument on Monday. And even if she'd met Lissy, it was likely that she, too, had no idea who the girl had been.
Valka's expression on this image was strange, however. It was possible, that Lissy hadn't been very accurate there but… The other portraits were perfect, capturing so much of the personalities it was almost creepy. But Valka… she looked tired and hurt in a way he'd never seen her in! He remembered something Astrid had told him once and wondered. Was this how his mother looked and behaved when he wasn't around? Was that what Astrid had once called her icy armor she only wore when she had to deal with him? Possible! But if this here was her true self… With a sigh, he pushed that thought aside. He couldn't deal with his mother and her feelings right now. There was already too much on his mind, he just couldn't! He would have to do so eventually... But not now!
He tore his eyes away from his mother's image and his gaze fell on the one next to hers, the one of himself… He'd seen many pictures of himself during the last months. Some had been official shots for the in-house news or for some engineering or economy magazine while others had been more private and involuntary, taken by some paparazzo. But on neither one had he looked like this, reserved and guarded. Was that how he'd behaved toward Lissy during the last two days? Entirely possible with how she was the living reminder of all his fears these days. But he would have to do better… It wasn't her fault that her existence and presence caused him quite a headache, she was just a child! Surely not an ordinary child but a child nonetheless. Whatever the outcome of today's events would be, he would need to put some effort into being more friendly toward her.
But she had caught him quite well… Hiccup wasn't sure whether it had been a coincidence, a subconscious decision or actually on purpose but even this drawn image of him seemed to look up longingly at Astrid's image. Even with all the other images on this page and although they weren't placed close to each other, there was nothing in their way, really, nothing to separate them. If only that would be true for their real selfs as well…
With a sigh, Hiccup turned the page to look at the other pictures. He knew he probably shouldn't do that but he just needed something to do or he would go mad! The pages after that first one were empty though, with only the visible remains of one torn out page. The one of Astrid's wedding dress… His hand reached out to touch the place where it had been. Both, Lissy and even always cool Heather, had been rather excited about the dress, had called it perfect while Astrid had only blushed. Gods, how he wanted to see her in it! Please! He prayed with all he had. Please, let me see her wearing it, let there be a wedding, let that miracle happen!
His fingers brushed over the empty page once more before he flipped back toward the previous ones. He needed to distract himself! This wasn't helpful, not at all! He skipped over the page with the portraits and on toward another one with two bigger pictures. He frowned in confusion and then realized that those showed two rooms of their apartment. The angle was different but, of course, it would be. Lissy was a lot shorter than him, after all. A small smile tugged at his lips at how much warmth radiated from these two pictures. Of course, to him, this was home but apparently, Lissy felt comfortable there as well. So at least one of its occupants had been at ease during the last days…
The next page made him pause again though. It took him a moment to understand what he was looking at but when he did, another wave of anguish washed through him. It showed Carina, sitting in one of their favorite spots on the lair's grounds, looking around searchingly. Lissy had mentioned that she'd been to the lair before yesterday, but he hadn't been aware… He flipped on, over the drawing of Carlo's table decoration and on through uncountable pictures that all showed parts of the lair. Some showed only buildings while others depicted people as well. Carina was on some of them but there were also other people. Partly, people he knew! He recognized colleagues and friends, sitting gathered, as they all did occasionally on sunny days, on the rocks and benches, chatting and eating during their break. Judging by the different clothes, Carina and Lissy must have spend days after days on the lair's public ground and on all these pictures, Carina seemed to search for something, someone. She'd been looking for me! Hiccup realized with a start. Maybe she'd wanted to talk to him after all and that letter had just been her last option. And, hel, it would have worked! He remembered how their colleagues had asked whether Astrid and he would join them outside and they would have if not for all the extra work they'd had because of Fishlegs' and Heather's honeymoon. All of this could have ended quite differently… Or would it? Would Carina have confronted him directly then, with Lissy and Astrid nearby? He doubted that… But Thor, whatever she'd planned it wouldn't have ended here, in the hospital. That at least would have been different, although possibly nothing else. Lissy existed, there was no way around that. He gulped and laid the sketch pad aside. She existed and the question of her parentage remained.
With shaky hands, he stashed the sketch pad back into the backpack where it belonged, had to rummage a bit to make it fit. The pencil case took quite a bit of space and… What was that? Another sheet of paper, blank on the outside lay crumpled at the bottom of the backpack, amidst crumbs and bits and he pulled it out, curious as to what kind of image would make Lissy want to destroy it. Carefully, he pulled the paper apart and stared in confusion at the short letter that was on the inside. Not a picture after all… He recognized the letterhead and sober layout of the clinical center he'd spent over a year of his life in and a strange kind of anxiety washed through him. Was Lissy sick? Was that why Carina had needed so much money all of a sudden?
Dear Ms. Carina Johnson.
he read and swallowed as his throat went suddenly dry as parchment. He scanned the letter quickly and frowned. Not so sober after all… was all his stunned mind came up with at first. It was signed with:
Kind regards
Dr. Benjamin F. Pierce
How strange… Dr. Pierce… Hiccup knew the man and he wasn't known to befriend patients easily, he remembered. For him to write a letter like this… He shook his head to clear his mind. That was not the point right now! This was-
"So many times, I imagined how we would meet again," a weak voice suddenly waved through the room. Hiccup's head jerked up and he dropped the letter, startled by that unexpected sound. "But I never thought it would be like this" He stared into her pale blue eyes, surprisingly clear considering she'd just woken up, swallowed and slowly got to his feet to walk toward her. He tried to reply to that but didn't know what or how. What should he say to her, how should he respond to that? He had never thought of seeing her again. Never! The fact that she apparently had…
"Kiki…" her old nickname was all he was able to come up with. Despite everything, he wasn't prepared to talk to her. He probably should have thought about how and what he wanted to say to her but he hadn't. Hadn't thought about her at all…
"Don't!" She interrupted him firmly. "Please, just… don't." She added and he noticed the pain on her face and in her voice as well. It wasn't just physical pain…
"Carina…" He tried anew but broke off again. What could he possibly say to her?
Carina snorted harshly, eyes suddenly harder. "Not as witty anymore, I see? A pity… I could use one of your funny remarks right now…"
He took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts. He had to start somewhere… Information. Simple and solid information, those always were a good start. "Carina, I… I'm not sure you know but… ahm… Lissy-"
"…ended up as your foster child, I know." She waved dismissively. "Someday soon you have to tell me how that happened. The irony of that really is remarkable!" She gave him a sarcastic look but after a few silent moments, it turned thoughtful and resigned. "Go ahead, Hic, ask your questions. You haven't changed at all, I can still see them written all over your face and I don't have time for games. Just ask. Ask and be gone!" With these words, she averted her face and although Hiccup couldn't be sure he thought he'd seen the glistening of tears in her eye. He took another deep breath and straightened up. Simple Questions and answers, that was something he could do! And she knew that…
"Lissy!" He simply prompted and waited for her reaction. For a guilty grimace that would unmask her lie or anything similar, for a confirmation that she, indeed, had only invented that story. But she just looked back at him, confused.
"What about her?" she asked, shrugging.
"She isn't… I'm not really her father, am I? You just made that up, didn't you? I mean, that can't…" He trailed off as he noticed her concerned expression.
For a few moments, she just gazed at him, a strange look on her face that made him uncomfortable before she said: "You've spent some time with her during these two days, too, haven't you? You've seen how she is. And you still have to ask?"
No, no, no! He thought desperately and slightly shook his head. No, she didn't mean what he thought she meant… Couldn't mean that!
"And here I always thought it couldn't have been me she inherited her brain power from…" Carina gave him a sad look. "She's just like you. So smart and always many steps ahead of everyone else. More often than not, I can't follow her thoughts anymore, even though I try hard. Of course, she's your daughter! I'd never make up a story like that…"
Hiccup staggered backward toward the chair again as his hopes crumbled and his whole world seemed to unhinge. Of course, he'd noticed… But he hadn't believed… hadn't wanted to believe! He slumped down into the chair and buried his face in his palms. Because it couldn't be… It mustn't be! It didn't make any sense. It just…
Right! There had been reasons why he hadn't believed her! Because nothing of all of this made sense! He didn't want to think of his former friend as a liar, but the alternative was worse. He looked up at her again, eyes hard. "I can't believe that! It doesn't make any sense! You were on the pill! Hel, I even got it for you occasionally! And even if… How can you be sure that really I am her father? And why haven't you told me directly, if you thought so? We were friends, Carina! If you would have told me, I would have been there for you, would have help. And why now? Why did you write that letter, you could have contacted me directly at any time. And if you needed money, why didn't you just ask? Again, we were friends, Carina, friends! If you would have asked, I would have given you as much as you need. Why did you try to blackmail me instead with such a story? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" Hiccup had talked himself into a rage, the questions spilling out of him like water hold back for too long, the pressure behind them too great. It couldn't… mustn't be true!
Carina had listened to him quietly, her expression unreadable but now averted her eyes with a small gasp, gazing past him into nothing. For a while, she was quiet, gathering her thoughts and then closed her eye. "So many questions…" she whispered. "So many riddles and one simple solution. You really don't see it?" She opened her eyes again, searching his face for what he did not know. But he just shook his head again. No, he couldn't see a solution to these riddles, as she'd called it. If he could, he would not have needed to ask. He had thought about all this a lot after all.
After a few additional moments, Carina gave up and looked away again, sighing. "Such a simple solution… But the fact that you can't see it proves, once and for all, that I was right." She took a deep breath and turned back toward him, eyes suddenly drilling into his.
"I've been in love with you, Hic! Always have been…" Hiccup's eyes widened at her words, the only reaction he was capable of. No, she hadn't! She'd… He'd been sure she hadn't… She'd been with others, too! She- He tried to say something, anything, to tell her that wasn't possible but she lifted a hand to stop him. "No, don't! Don't say anything…" She paused, grimacing and added: "I've fallen in love with you almost right at the beginning. But you'd told me you couldn't love anyone else, couldn't be with anyone else like that so I didn't say a word. You ask how I can be sure you are Lissy's father? It's simple. I haven't slept with anyone but you. Ever!"
Hiccup shook his head. That wasn't possible! It wasn't! "But-" he began but Carina interrupted him again.
"But you've seen me with others, I know. I made sure you did!" She grimaced, an embarrassed blush on her pale cheeks. "As stupid as it was, I tried to make you jealous! I thought… Oh, nevermind. We both know that would never have worked."
"No, it wouldn't…" Hiccup whispered. She had known, for Thor's sake!
"I've flirted and left with others but never actually went with them. Sometimes I found a trivial excuse but mostly they knew and just played along. It served their reputation or whatever… It doesn't matter anymore… Over time, I realized that I would never be able to make you jealous, make you notice me." She paused again, staring absentmindedly right through him. "Unhealthy as it was, I still wanted to be with you, wanted to help you. You've been so miserable in the beginning and if you couldn't love me then I at least wanted you to be happy… I wanted to make sure you wouldn't fall into that hole again… But it hurt… Astrid… Always only Astrid…" She bit her lip and Hiccup perked his head up. Yes, Carina had known that he'd loved someone else, but he had never mentioned Astrid's name, hadn't dared to say it out loud back then. Carina leaned back into her pillows, eyes closed and for a moment, Hiccup thought she was in pain from the twisted expression on her face. Then she moved, fitfully threw her head from one side to the other and when he heard her voice again, he understood. She was acting, imitating what she'd witnessed. Imitating him!
"Astrid!" She moaned. "Astrid, where are you? I need you! Astrid… Astrid, I… I love you…" A moment later, she opened her eyes again, her cool gaze the opposite of her act just now. As was her voice. "You talked in your sleep, did you know that? Night after night after night I heard you calling out for your Astrid. Sometimes, when you were lost in thoughts, you even called me Astrid. You always got that dreamy smile then, the one I loved most. The one you only ever got when you thought of her…
"I realized then, that I couldn't live like that. I realized that you would never… never love me back and when that note from your tutor arrived I did everything to encourage you. I wanted you to get out of that life, wanted to not feel responsible for your well-being anymore, wanted you to be… be safe." She closed her eyes for a moment, resigned. "I wanted you to be gone, to become happy with what you wanted and let me carry on as well. I… I only took one reminder, one of your things…"
"Tegs..." Hiccup murmured and Carina nodded.
"Tegs! Twisted as all of that was, I still wanted you to miss a part of your life with me, even if it would only be your childhood toy." She shook her head lightly. "Sorry for that, it was stupid…"
But Hiccup actually was relieved, his mind working quickly through the alternatives. "So you didn't take him because you already knew you were pregnant." He stated soberly. All that she'd told him… it was too much! Too much information and too many emotions to deal with right now so his mind filed those away to deal with them later. "Did you do it on purpose?" He asked after a pause but Carina just snorted.
"Whether I got pregnant on purpose? Odin, no! I thought we were careful but let's be honest. Alcohol and partying don't go well with any medication, we both know that. After you left, I took the Pill nonstop to avoid my period, I just didn't want to deal with PMS in addition to everything else… I didn't go to parties anymore, which was probably good… But I didn't really notice how the time flew by and so it took me a long time to actually realize I was pregnant. Maybe I still could have… But I didn't want to! Suddenly, my life had a purpose and I don't regret anything. But I didn't plan for it. That might have made sense if I would have actually wanted to keep you… I know you would have stayed... But I didn't want that! I didn't want you to stay with me out of some sense of duty when you would never love me. That's why I didn't tell you later as well. Rumor said you were quite content with your success in your studies and I was happy to hear that. You had your life and I…" she gulped. "We had ours."
"You should have told me!" Hiccup said quietly. It was hard to wrap his head around the concept of actually and truly having a daughter all of a sudden. But to think he already had, for almost ten years, and didn't know…
"And then what?" Carina asked softly. "What would have happened, Hic? Come on, you're smart. Think it through. You would have stayed and we would have tried. We both would have given everything and yet, neither one of us would have been happy. Maybe it would have worked for a few years, but what then? When life becomes a routine, you need love to keep it all together. We would have argued, would have disagreed but there would have been no real breaking up and making up for us. We wouldn't have been a couple, we never have been! We would have been Roommates without the possibility of ever moving out. That's not an environment I would have wanted for my daughter…"
Her daughter… Hiccup thought with a pang but didn't say anything. What should he say, anyway? She was right. With every single word… They would never have been a real family.
Carina seemed to see the realization on his face and nodded. "That's also why I wrote that letter…" She said hesitantly. "I know it was stupid… But it was the only way I could think of. I read an article, read that you got engaged to your childhood sweetheart Astrid. And I was happy for you! You know… For a while, I wanted to hate your Astrid. I thought that if she wouldn't exist or if you just would have been able to get over her you could have loved me instead. I hated how you were hurting because of her because if she really was the one as you said then why wasn't she there? But when I read about your engagement… I think I understood it then. I realized that you were apparently right to hold on to her. You two sure looked happy on that photo. I guess, she's not the bad person I wanted her to be. I wanted to hate her and blame her for everything." She paused and a sad smile crossed over her face.
"But Lissy likes her. She's a very good judge of character, so that's enough for me. It has to be enough, I guess… She's been through a lot already, had to stay with so many different foster parents but I've never seen her as happy with any of them as today with your Astrid. She really cares for her, I didn't expect that. I didn't think, she would accept Lissy that easily…" At that, Hiccup frowned in confusion. What did she mean by that? Why wouldn't she? Astrid didn't know who Lissy was, after all. Or…
"Did you tell her?" He asked, voice shaky. He'd thought it unlikely but he still wanted to make sure… "About Lissy, I mean. Did you tell Astrid who she is, who you are?" It would serve him right. If Astrid had learned the truth this way, he would probably never see her again, she might already have left. But Carina just gave him a strange look and then shook her head.
"No, I didn't tell her." She paused, considering, and then continued, her voice now thick with emotions. "I'm sorry, Hic. I should not have tried to blackmail you, that was stupid. I was desperate but that's no excuse. I-" She sniffed, a first tear running down her cheek. "You're right, I should have told you, if not back than then at least now. I'm sorry! I-I just wanted to make sure Lissy will be alright… But I simply should have told you! You two will take care of her, won't you? I didn't want to ruin your life, but… but now-"
"Wa-wait. What?" Hiccup stared at her disbelievingly. "What are you talking about? Take care of her? What about you? And what do you mean with you were desperate? Why did you come up with all that now all of a sudden anyway? I mean…" He shook his head uncomprehendingly. That had been another point on his list of questions after all. And what had she meant…
She gave him a flat look and then shook her head with a humorless laughter. "Oh, Hic… So smart and yet as so often too focused to see. But you've read the letter, I've seen you do it." She paused, eyes fixed on him, waiting. So he tried to think, to understand what she meant. A letter… which letter? The one she'd sent him? But how could she have seen him read it? No, that-
He jerked his head around, toward the small table. On it stood still Lissy's backpack and next to it lay the letter. The one that hadn't made much sense, had been so vague, unless… His mind went utterly blank as he reached for the paper again, any emotion sealed away for now while he read the letter again. Read and understood!
Dear Ms. Carina Johnson.
I am sorry to inform you that the latest test results have been positive as well. There is no room left for speculations. I am very sorry! I had dearly hoped for it to be otherwise.
If I am informed correctly, you already talked about this possibility with the therapists as well as about your options. If you have additional questions or if there are things you need help with, please, feel free to call me.
And I mentioned this before, but please, in your own interest, keep it in mind! Two weeks, approximately…
Kind regards
Dr. Benjamin F. Pierce
The letter slipped out of Hiccup's numb hands and onto the table where it lay still. He looked up at her again, hoping to be wrong, hoping to err. He hoped she would come up with another explanation, would surprise him one more time today. But she just looked at him, had watched him read and now nodded with a small, sad smile.
"I'm dying, Hiccup," Carina stated soberly. "It started years ago but all the time I thought I would make it. I had to make it! I was so sure…" She paused, a single tear escaping her eye. "But I didn't… You've read what Dr. P wrote. Two weeks… Those are almost over. Every day I keep breathing is a miracle. All I had left to do was making sure Lissy would be cared for. That's why I needed the money, so she wouldn't have to worry about her future. But as I said, it was stupid." She looked at him more intently. "You will take care of her, won't you? She's special! She…. She's everything!" Her voice broke with those last two words and Hiccup swallowed. He understood too well what she meant.
"I will!" he vowed. He might have lost his everything already, but it was just like he'd already thought earlier. There was someone else now who needed him, really needed him and for her, he would have to keep going, no matter what.
Quietly, Hiccup closed the door to Carina's room behind him. She had asked him to leave, to go and let her be alone. It was a wish he could hardly deny her, and even though he felt horrible for it, he was just all too glad to leave. There had been nothing left to do anyway, nothing left to say.
She was right, he would never have loved her. Maybe, if Astrid actually would have rejected him, maybe then his heart would have been able to heal and go on at some point. But even with their strange friends with benefits relationship, he'd never felt romantic in any way about Carina. While she had cared enough for him to let him go…
With a strangled sob, he slumped down into a nearby chair and buried his face in his hands. …sex just for fun without any expectations or broken promises can be okay… Those words kept echoing through his head and he groaned. It had been fun, he'd never made any promises and she hadn't expected anything from him. And yet, retrospectively, it hadn't been okay. Because she had hoped and he had broken her heart… It was only fair that all that was left to do now was to break his heart as well.
He took a deep breath, gathered his remaining strength and stood up. And looked into a pair of scrutinizing green eyes. A harsh laughter escaped him, humorless and sarcastic. The Gods really liked to torment him!
"For how long are you waiting here already?" He asked and Heather shrugged.
"For half an hour maybe." Her voice sounded detached but her concerned expression contradicted that. "I didn't want to barge in on you there but I thought you would want to have this as soon as possible." She held up an undescribed envelope.
Hiccup stared at it and another strangled snort threatened to bubble up inside him. Oh, how he had waited for this, had been sure the test result would appease him, would prove that Carina's story had been just a lie…. He didn't doubt her anymore, didn't question a single word she'd told him just now. Because it all made sense now… It made sense and he'd been an idiot!
"Thanks," He murmured and reached for the offered letter nonetheless. "for all your efforts." He turned the letter around and noticed to his surprise that it was soundly sealed.
"I haven't looked at it," Heather explained. "And I don't care, really. Just talk to her now, will you?"
Hiccup gulped and nodded. There was no use in delaying it further anyway.
"Then let's go. I'll drive you home."
Hiccup got off Heather's car, thanked her once again and waved after her as she made her way through the evening rush hour traffic. He watched until she'd disappeared behind a corner and swallowed. The time was up!
He turned toward their apartment building and his eyes wandered reflexively up to the windows of the 3rd floor that belonged to him and Astrid. It wasn't late enough to be night already, but during the afternoon, heavy rain clouds had come up and it was dark enough. He could see the warm light shining from their cozy living room, inviting him to come up, taunting him. Warm and cozy… if only.
He also could see the shadow of her figure behind one of the curtains. She'd been waiting for him as if she knew. Well, she had said herself that they would need to talk tonight… She'd waved at him so there was no point in dawdling. She knew he was there. With a heavy heart, he entered the building and went upstairs.
The time was up.
A/N: I'm sorry that updating this took a while but I had to finish the Game first. I sincerely hope, the next chapter won't take as long!