A/N: Ha! Yeah, this update came just a tiny bit faster... xD
This A/N now is not important for the story, just me rambling about… You might as well skip it, it's just about songs and my thoughts…
As with the prequel, this story, too, was inspired by a song. The song was 'Cross That Line' by Joshua Radin but for some reason ( ;) ) I had to chose another title for this story. But I'd rather say something to that song at the end of this chapter…
Shortly after I started writing this story, I stumbled across another song that accompanied me throughout all these weeks and months. It was 'Undone' by FFH ( You! I know you're grinning, stop it ;P) and it was like it knew what was in my head, knew where I was going with this story. Here's a part of the first verse:
The secrets I keep are tearing me up inside
I try to hide them, and I wonder why
I wonder why I'm still running
When I know there's no escaping
You see why it caught my attention? ;)
13. The Secrets I Keep
Lissy
Dear Diary
And here I am, writing to you again only one day after my last entry. I'm sorry to tell you though, that you are only my second choice. I'd rather draw today to clear my head but I forgot my pencils and sketchbook at the hospital so you will have to do.
I'm not good with words… Not in a situation like this, where I feel… I don't know how I feel! I think I should be sad. I should be miserable and crying but… actually, I'm relieved, even glad! This is so weird! I shouldn't be glad, I'm pretty sure of that, but I am. And I am frightened, I think… That's reasonable, isn't it? Yeah… I'm glad and I'm frightened.
You probably wonder why… Well, you see… Mom woke up today and we visited her, Astrid and I. And… she told me. Finally! Right before we left, mom asked Astrid and Maragart to leave us alone for a minute and then she finally told me of her sickness and that she wouldn't be there for much longer. You know that I already knew that for a while now. And, well, yes, the thought of her not being here anymore makes me sad. But I'm also relieved that she finally told me and doesn't have to worry anymore. She worried so much already and I hope it will be easier for her now.
I asked her then. That question, that she'd never wanted to answer. Because, if she's not there anymore then… maybe… I asked her about my father. Maybe I shouldn't have done that because it made her cry but I still want to know! She didn't tell me who he was but she promised to do so tomorrow if I still wanted to know. But why wouldn't I? Grown-ups are strange. This is part of what frightens me by the way. Or maybe that's the wrong word. I'm nervous. What is she going to tell me? Who is my father, what happened to him and why didn't she tell me today? Ah, well, I'll see, I guess…
Mom asked me to come and visit her again tomorrow and bring Astrid again and, if possible, Hiccup, too. I guess they have other grown-up stuff to talk about. Maybe she'll ask them whether I could stay with them. I'd like that. I asked mom whether I could stay with them but she said that wouldn't be her decision. I hope I can stay here… I like Astrid and Hiccup, too. I hope mom will be able to convince them.
Lissy laid the pen she'd borrowed from Astrid aside and read again what she'd written. That always helped her to sort through her thoughts. She had known that her mom would die. And she had been sad, devastated, desperate, had cried secretly in her bed. But she'd put in a lot of effort to not let her mom notice. Instead, she'd tried to think it through, what it would mean, how her life would be without her mom.
She had planned to find out more about her father if possible, had wanted to look for him if he was still alive. She wanted to know what had happened, why he wasn't with them and maybe, if those answers were satisfying and circumstances would allow that, maybe she could stay with him. Surely, that had to be better than staying with some random foster parents, complete strangers who only took care of her for the money.
Or maybe, she wouldn't… Maybe she would just accept, that her real father was not a part of her life. Maybe she could just stay here. Surely, it had only been two days, but those had been nice. Lissy wrapped her arms around herself to chase away the feeling of being lost. There had only ever been her mom for her. No one else had cared for her. Until two days ago. Astrid cared. And Hiccup, too. She wanted to stay, really, really wanted to stay.
But maybe it was too much to ask from her mom to convince them. She didn't even know them! No, just because this, too, might be grown-up stuff didn't mean that her mom was the only one who could talk to them. She was no little child anymore, she was almost ten! And Astrid had been kind and friendly to her, had listened to what she'd said. There was no need to roll this off on somebody else. She would simply go and ask Astrid herself!
She stood up and quietly left the room. Sometimes it was a bit eery to be in this rather big but strangely empty apartment all on her own. The main room on this side, the formal dining room, was completely dark, the dim light from the living room on the other side barely reaching this room through the open kitchen. Luckily it was a neat room so she wasn't in any danger to run into some furniture.
After a few steps, she spotted Astrid through the opening, standing by one of the windows, a steaming cup in her hand. She looked pensive, her free arm wrapped around herself, her gaze directed outward through the curtains. Lissy paused for a moment, suddenly unsure whether she really should approach her. There was something in the way the woman stood there, still and lost in thoughts… Lissy made two more hesitant steps, but stopped again, when she heard a voice.
"Astrid…?" Lissy's head jerked around toward the source of that voice just as Astrid, too, slowly turned toward Hiccup. Lissy couldn't see him yet, still hidden behind the dividing wall but there had been something in the way he'd said her name… This could have been an even better situation, she could talk to them both, ask them both whether she could stay with them.
But the way he had sounded and Astrid looked right now... No, this was not the best timing to talk to them, Lissy decided. First, they had to talk to each other! She didn't know what it was that bothered them but there surely had been something! Something that had made Astrid anxious and tense all day and Hiccup hadn't been better anyway. Yes, it would be better if those two would first sort out their problems before she came with her request. Hopefully, they wouldn't fight for real or her request would be out of place anyway.
Lissy turned to return to her room. She could still ask them later, during dinner maybe or tomorrow at the latest. By now, Hiccup had come into view and they were talking softly, she'd best not interrupt. Quietly, she sneaked back, glad for the darkness on this side of the apartment so they wouldn't be able to see her when she heard it. She stopped dead and curiously turned her head back toward the living room. She'd heard her name! Were they talking about her? For a moment, she debated inwardly but then sneaked back to hide behind the dividing wall. Maybe she wouldn't need to ask them anyway when they were already talking about her.
The girl sat silently in the shadow, unseen and listened. Her hand wandered to her mouth to keep any traitorous sound inside while her eyes grew wider and wider. And although she couldn't hear every word of the partially whispered conversation, she still heard enough.
Hiccup
Hiccup stood in front of their apartment door, forehead leaned against the cool metal. Just a moment, he told himself. Just one last reprieve. Astrid was waiting for him and she needed to hear the truth. She'd wanted to talk, probably tell him what bedeviled her but maybe she'd also felt that it was time for him to confess. No more secrets, no more hiding and running. The time was up…
He tried to pull himself together and it felt like a trance, unreal, as he casually opened the door, put off his shoes and jacket, grabbed the envelope Heather had given him and left the small entrance room. He spotted her immediately, standing by the window where he'd seen her from below. She was so beautiful, the dim light making her hair that fell around her frame in soft waves glow like liquid gold. He wanted to go to her, take her in his arms and hold her but he felt like he had no right to do so anymore. She was everything, had always been everything he'd ever wanted. But as so many times before already, his stupidity would tear her away from him. Only such a shoort time was left for them. After sundown, she would be gone… If only… If only he hadn't been so stupid. But it was too late now! He couldn't change what he'd done, couldn't change the past. All he could do now was trying to deal with the aftermath of being so utterly stupid. He took a last deep breath. The time was up…
"Astrid..?" he said carefully. She seemed completely lost in thoughts and he didn't want to startle her but, apparently, she'd already known that he was standing there. Slowly, she turned toward him and gave him a small smile. She had cried! He noticed that her face was slightly swollen and her eyes glassy, although there were no tears right now. What was it, that haunted her? He wished he could help her, but it was more likely that she would only cry more after he'd talked to her…
"Hey, Hiccup," she said in a small voice and with a nod beckoned him to come closer. He did so but only a little and desperately tried to find the right words. Just like all day, he couldn't find them. There were no right word, no right way to tell her of all the things he'd done wrong. She seemed to see his struggling and although she wasn't at ease with this situations either still seemed to want to help him. For now…
"What strange and chaotic days…" She mused, looking past him but all he could do was nodding. Hel, yes, strange and chaotic indeed! "So…" she added but trailed off again, biting her lip and looking away after all. Whatever happened inside her head right now, this wasn't easy for her either!
"We need to talk!" The words burst out of him before he even realized his mouth was moving. He had to get this over with.
Astrid looked at him thoughtfully, something like an almost amused grimace crossing her face for a moment. Of course, those hadn't been the most clever words to say… Then she nodded and said: "You first…"
Right… He had to talk first. It wouldn't be right to comfort her with whatever was haunting her when his secret would hurt her even more and surely chase her away afterward. He stepped closer to her and tried, again, to find the words - any words! – in his head. He felt dizzy and it felt like they'd all deserted him, there simply were no words left inside his head, none at all. His eyes wandered through the room, over her face and her figure, searching, looking for anything to say.
"What are you drinking?" He asked, puzzled as his gaze landed on the cup in her hand, distracted by the unusual sight. He'd assumed it would be coffee but it very obviously was not. The liquid was clear like water but dyed a yellowish green and almost looked like-
"Tea…" Astrid answered, confirming his assumption. A blush tinted her cheeks pink and she bent her head to blow on the steaming liquid, effectively hiding her face from his view.
Hiccup frowned in confusion, all too glad to let himself get distracted. "Since… when are you drinking tea? Since when do we have tea?"
"Since today" she answered both his questions. "I just thought I… might reduce my caffeine consumption a bit…" she shrugged in an attempted to appear unperturbed. But he saw through that, knew her well, knew there was more to it.
"But-" he tried but instantly got interrupted by her.
"Is that what you wanted to talk about?" She gave him a meaningful glance and he bit his lip. Of course, it wasn't… but at least the atmosphere wasn't as tense anymore as it had been a minute ago.
He swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment. Focus… His hand closed around the envelope it still held, crumbling the paper. "No, it's not. I…" he looked at her again as she took a careful sip from her cup and he tried to burn the image into his head. How she looked without hatred in her eyes… "I need to tell you something! It's about… Lissy! I… she's…"
"She's your daughter. I know…"
Hiccup stared at her, eyes wide in shock as the room started to spin around him. She knew? But how? Since when? And if she knew, how was it possible that she was still here, still talking to him? He watched her, stunned as she took another bigger sip of her tea, effectively avoiding to look at him. "But… how…" he stammered. "You… you can't know. I…" Helplessly, he lifted his hand with the crumbled paper in it. How could she know?
She grimaced and glances down into her cup and then up at the envelope, finally acknowledging its existence. "Is that a paternity test? So that's why Heather knew…" She shook her head with a small almost-smile. "Oh, Hiccup…"
"I-I don't understand. Did… did Carina tell you after all?" She'd said she hadn't but…
Astrid shook her head again. "No, she didn't. She didn't need to."
"But how can you know?" he asked again, his voice close to breaking. "And since when? I mean…" disbelievingly, he shook his head. It was possible that Heather had called her or even Carina but both possibilities were completely absurd. Why would they? And Astrid seemed to have known for a while anyway or she would have been much more distraught now.
"I knew right from the beginning, I guess…" She closed her eyes, a pained expression on her face. "Since I first saw her…"
"But… how…?" How could she have known, for Thor's sake?
"Hiccup…" She sighed and finally raised her gaze to look at him. She stepped closer toward him and lifted a shaky hand to lay it on his cheek. In her eyes, he saw a whole world of anguish and pain but also something warm he hadn't expected to see ever again in her eyes. He saw her love. "There's nothing in this world that I know as well as I know your face. And Lissy… she has so much of that. Your mouth and nose. She even has your and Valka's eyes, the shape of yours and her wisdom in them, except the color though." She took a hiccupy breath and her eyes were gleaming, filling with tears. "When I saw her, her bangs dyed brown by blood, eyes closed and her face contorted in pain… For a moment I thought it was you! The impression was so strong, it reminded me so much of how you looked after Eret attacked you!" She leaned against him, her head resting against his chest as the memory of those events caught up with her again.
Still too stunned to process what was happening, he laid his arms around her shoulders reflexively, soothingly caressing her back. She knew and she didn't hate him. But how… and why… "Why didn't you say anything?" He asked in a whisper. Dammit, these days could have been so much easier…
At first, Astrid didn't answer but he felt her arms around his waist, pulling him closer. She was trembling in his arms and it took her a while to calm down enough to talk again. "I guess I didn't want it to be true. After that first moment, I pushed the thought away, smothered it, didn't want to think about it, what it would mean…" She sobbed into his shirt. "I was afraid. Afraid I could lose you. Carina… She's the one you told about, isn't she? Your friend? From what you told me… and Lissy's age fits, too…" She paused and Hiccup gulped and just nodded against her head. "I thought… You would do what's right! You always do… I feared you would leave me to stay with them, maybe marry her… I didn't want that to be true!" She pulled him even closer and finally, he understood. Her demons had been the same as his.
He pulled her over to the couch, sat down and placed her sidewise on his lab. She instantly buried her face against his shoulder, her hands clutching his shirt. For a while, neither of them said a word and Hiccup used the break to get some order into his thoughts. A part of him registered how much in pieces Astrid was and wondered. It wasn't like her to break down like this but then, these last days must have been hard for her, too. Another part wondered whether she didn't mind Lissy's existence at all but that, too, had to wait just a tiny bit longer. First, he needed to explain.
"I… wouldn't have left you!" he finally whispered, his voice too weak for more. "I could never do that! I thought about it, but…" Now he was the one pulling her closer. "It wouldn't have been right, wouldn't have worked…" He paused, hesitated but he needed to ask. It was the one crucial point, the one question… "Aren't you angry? Don't you mind that-that I already… have a daughter?" His voice broke as she tensed in his arms. Maybe it had been the wrong question but it was the most important after all. Lissy would be a part of his life from now on, there was no way around it.
"Angry?" She asked and a moment later shook her head. "I hate the idea of you with another woman. But it's the past, we were no couple, it happened. There's no harm in that. And I can't say that I exactly like the idea of you having a child with one of them! But…" She sighed and he felt her relax a bit again. "But Lissy is great… This is not about the abstract idea of you having a child with another woman. It's about her. So, no, I'm not angry. After all, you neither planned for nor knew about it, right?"
Hiccup wanted to kiss her, to hold her and never let her go. Gods, she was incredible! How was it possible that he of all people was so lucky to have her? He drew her closer again and placed a soft kiss on her hair before he told her what Carina had earlier told him. That she, too, hadn't planned for this, how and why she hadn't told him about their daughter and, most importantly, why she'd suddenly reappeared in his life. He didn't mention the blackmail attempt but then, that one wasn't important anyway. Maybe he would tell that story someday, maybe it would become a funny anecdote, but now, it wasn't important. While he spoke, Astrid became very quiet and only after he'd finished he noticed the tears that ran freely down her cheeks now, noticed how soaked his shirt was.
"Hey!" He tried to distract her with a shaky voice. "What now?" His efforts only seem to make it worse though. Really, what was up with her? She wasn't normally one for much crying.
"I'm despicable!" she whispered in between two sobs and clung to him more desperately. "I-I'm sorry, I… I thought myself horrendous already at first but now… After you told me all that, I…" She broke off again, sobbing and he began to soothingly rub her back and shoulders. It took her a few minutes to calm down and even then she stayed quiet, not opening her eyes, not looking at him.
"Astrid?" He asked anxiously but she just vigorously shook her head. "Astrid, please! Whatever it is, tell me!" He pleaded. They'd been through too much for her to keep something from him if it tormented her that much.
"For a moment…" she finally whispered quietly, almost inaudible. "when Dr. C told me… I was so glad! Before it really kicked in what he'd said, I was just so relieved… That she wouldn't be able to take you from me. That I could keep you… I…" She broke off again as a shudder ran through her. "I'm horrible! She'll die and I was glad about it! I…" He drew her head up and silenced her with a soft kiss before he leaned his forehead against hers.
"Don't go there…" he whispered urgently. "Just… don't!" He knew what she meant! He had felt it, too, just for the tiniest fraction of a second, just a teeny spark amidst all the chaos that was this day, but it had been there. He so dearly wished for his former friend to live, for Lissy to keep her mother. And yet he couldn't deny that… that things would be easier now. There were no choices anymore, only inevitable facts to deal with.
Exactly… Hiccup grimaced as another one of those facts sank in. Because the last time he'd mentioned this, Astrid's reaction had been distinct. She hadn't wanted this but now, he had no choice anymore…
"I'm Lissy's father…" He stated soberly. "I… have to take care of her now! If she's alright with that, she's going to stay here. Do you think, you… can cope with that?"
"Whether I…?" She made a strange noise somewhere between a sob, a gasp, a snort, and laughter. "Of course! I… I just don't know… Can or should we adopt her? Or rather, I… Are you registered as her father? And-" Again, he silenced her with a kiss but this time it was a much more passionate one, deep and full of love.
"You are incredible!" He finally gasped against her lips and she smiled. "But let's deal with the formalities tomorrow, alright? We can take a day off, talk about it with Lissy and… and with Carina, I guess…" He trailed off as his former concern popped up in his mind again. "But are you really okay with this? I mean, you made it clear what you thought about… being a mom and all. Are you sure about this? Lissy will change your entire life!"
Astrid bit her lip and averted her face but he saw a fierce blush spreading over her features and also the almost guilty expression that crossed her face. He wanted to inquire after what bothered her but before he could say anything, she took a deep breath and said: "Well, I guess you're right. The girls are going to change our life thoroughly…"
Hiccup blinked. "Girls?" He asked and frowned in confusion. What did she mean by-
"Well, I don't know yet, but…" She interrupted his thoughts. She hesitated and then, with a shaky breath, took his hand and placed it on her stomach. "I think of her as a girl already" Almost shyly, she smiled up at him, eyes gleaming.
For a couple seconds, Hiccup only stared at her, stunned as his eyes grew wider and wider. Then he pulled her close again, almost crushing her against his chest and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her with all the accumulated emotions inside him. Disbelieve, relief, worry, happiness, fear, and utter joy blending in one another in a whirlwind of emotions, making him dizzy until he laughed helplessly against her lips, her neck, into her hair. "Are you serious?" He finally asked, gasping and she chuckled.
"As if I would joke about something like this…" she replied teasingly and leaned in to kiss him again, slower and chaste, sweet. It made him lightheaded and he gave up thinking about all this. This evening had taken a path he'd never, never would have been able to anticipate. He hadn't even dared to hope for an outcome like this, where he wouldn't only be not completely miserable but would be happier than he could ever have hoped for. When their lips parted again, he pulled her into a light embrace and whispered 'I love you' into her hair, again and again. It wasn't possible to say it often enough, not now, not today.
When he opened his eyes for a moment though, he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye, a shadow moving in front of darker shadows. He perked his head up and saw Lissy stepping out of the darkness of the other room into the faint light around them. For a moment, he was worried about how much she had heard. There surely would have been better ways to tell her about… well… everything. But she wasn't shocked or scared or anything. She had a bright grin on her face as she slowly stepped closer, eyes gleaming brightly.
"So, I'm getting a sister?"
Astrid
Astrid stood at the window again and gazed out into the night, another cup of tea in her hand. She took a sip and grimaced at the unfamiliar taste. Not that it was a bad one… She just wasn't used to it! Yet…
Lissy had retreated into her room after dinner, very glad to have her backpack with her drawing utensils back and Hiccup was cleaning up the remains of their meal. It was strange how very normal this seemed, how ordinary this day was ending. There had been so much chaos and so many conflicted emotions during the last three days but now, it was all gone. Just like that. She shook her head to herself, bearly able to wrap her head around it all.
Dinner had started strange, though. Sitting together around the low table in the living room after all those revelations before… It had been a very awkward event, for everyone. Hiccup might have already known who Lissy was during the last days, but he'd never acted on it before and for Lissy, it must have been even worse to suddenly deal with her dad. They all had kept their secrets during the last days, had played their roles in a way, even Lissy. She had known, that her mother would die and that 'staying with them until her mother would be able to leave the hospital again' meant something entirely different for her.
It felt good to not keep secrets anymore! Very carefully and very hesitantly, they all had brought things up, had commented on the similarities between Hiccup and Lissy, how she, too, had inherited Valka's sharp mind and Hiccup's clever hands. Playfully, they'd begun to plan how to rearrange the rooms and Lissy had stated she wanted her little sister to live in her room so that she could take care of her. It had made Astrid smile even though, surely, things would probably not always be that easy.
But for now, it simply really was that easy. She hummed as suddenly two lithe arms wound their way around her waist and leaned back against Hiccup's warm chest with a smile. He placed a light kiss on her neck, exhaling softly against her skin and a moment later felt him swallow.
"Tea…" he mused. "I should have known then immediately. There's no way you would voluntarily abstain from coffee without a very good reason!"
"The best reason!" She whispered and placed her hands over his on her stomach. "And not just coffee…" she added with a small grimace. "No sushi either!"
She felt his lips twitch on her skin. "Sushi or sushi?" he asked with an insinuating tone in his voice and she lightly jerked her arm back to punch him with her elbow.
"I'm speaking of raw fish!" She specified, laughing.
"Thank the Gods!" he chuckled. "Not sure I could endure nine months without…" She groaned and shook her head in fake exasperation, which only made him chuckle louder. A moment later, he again turned serious though, it was almost tangible in the air around them. "Is that why you hurried through the wedding preparations like that?" he finally asked and it was hard to guess his thoughts behind that question from the calm tone of his voice.
Astrid bit her lip, hesitated and then nodded, but only to shake her head a moment later. "Yes, and no," she specified. "I want to be married to you as soon as possible because I want to be your wife, I want us to belong together in every possible way. But…" she paused and felt the blood rising into her cheeks. "But I also don't want one of these weddings that apparently only happen because he happened to knock her up. So I'd like to marry you before the bump gets visible." She shrugged self-consciously. "We only need to find a location."
Hiccup was quiet for a while, his fingers absentmindedly caressing her belly before he said: "Let's wait!" He loosened his grip around her when she moved, turned toward him to look at him. He had a guarded expression on his face but his eyes were locked on hers.
"But-" she said but he shook his head, interrupting her.
"If possible, I'd marry you right here, right now. But no matter how fast you can finish the preparations, in a few months, everyone will say we married because I knocked you up. And you're right, I don't want that either." He looked at her for a moment, intently, and in moments like this, it was so easy to forget everything else, to lose herself in his eyes. "I don't want to be married as a justification for having a child with you. I don't care for born out of wedlock. She… or he… is a love child, in the literal sense of that phrase and that's all that matters." He paused again, his eyes growing softer. "Let's wait until after the baby is born, a year, maybe more. Let's wait and let our wedding be solely the symbol of our love and not something custom compels us to do."
Stupid hormones! Astrid thought as her eyes began to fill with tears again. She wasn't sad or hurt, dammit! "Alright!" She whispered, her voice too weak for more. Her heart was swelling and overflowing with the love she felt for him, for this man who was so prone to being stupid occasionally. She stretched to place her lips on his, to kiss him and relay all the love she felt for him through it. It barely helped though, because for every bit of love she gave him, he poured the same amount right back into her.
"The sun is down…" Hiccup mused a while later when they gazed out of the window again, his arms back around her waist, hands over her stomach. Astrid nodded, not knowing what to say to that, really. "I thought you'd be gone by now…" He explained and drew her tighter against him again. But Astrid just chuckled.
"You won't get rid of me. Ever!"
Soooo, before some cry out how unrealistic all this is: I'd ask you to reread the past chapters… Astrid knew right from the beginning, even if she didn't want to admit it so herself… ;)
But I wanted to write something about 'Cross that line' and how this story came to life… That song, it triggered the scene of Hiccup confessing something to Astrid, something even worse than everything else they'd been through, something that surely would make her leave him for good. And yet she doesn't. This scene stuck in my head and by now you know how it played out in the end. I'm sorry you, me, and the characters had to live through so much angst on the way but I hope it wasn't too bad… We're not completely through here by the way, there's still a bit of story to tell.
And for the other song, 'Undone'… here's part of the second verse:
It's true what they say, love must be blind
It's why You're still standing by this sinner's side
You're still by my side
When all the things I've done have left You bleeding
Can you see why it captivated me like that? :D