Part II
Chapter 57
"...I'm a horrible person. I really am...horrible..."
Kagura could only manage to stare blankly at her sensei as they remained upon the couch, the high school yearbook now sitting between them. "...no, you're not..."
Minamo shook her head with vigor, her arms wrapped around folded legs. Her eyes then settled upon the balcony window, purposely looking away from her student. "I am. I know I am...I always have been..."
She didn't respond to the woman, instead looking down to the yearbook, the object like a solid wall between them now.
...so this is what's been killing her? Is everything she just told me actually true...?
Her usual reaction to such heavy news was to let out some sound of frustration, but instead, Kagura kept it inside, so as not to perturb Minamo anymore than she already appeared to be.
If it is true, then, damn, she threw Yukari under the freakin' bus, man.
The woman's story had been hard to follow for Kagura, the telling of it both rushed and laced with hysterical tones here and there, but she still felt that she had gotten the gist of it. It was all, essentially, a story about a friendship that had started off with a lie, Minamo using Yukari as a shield to hide her sexuality throughout the years. Yukari had genuinely believed her friend when she said that she wasn't gay, and had used that truth as the basis for roughing up anyone whoever gave Minamo trouble.
I can only imagine what Yukari does to protect people...probably no-holds barred as far as she goes.
Yukari's reputation had sank because of that, while Minamo's kept rising to new heights. And, all the while, the woman had just simply watched her friend get reprimanded by her peers, watched as she lost friends that became so wary of her, lost interest in her hobbies, in everything, all because of her.
Minamo pulled on a bang of hair nervously, clearly rattled from her admission. "...I'm horrible..."
Kagura rubbed her eyes with her palms, having become so tired all of a sudden, a migraine coming on.
No wonder Yukari is so pissed, man. I mean...I guess I'd feel the same way, if I found out one of my friends was playin' me...
It wasn't a story that Kagura had wanted to hear, or had expected to hear today. She understood Minamo's desire to hide her sexuality, even the crush she had on her friend, but using that same person in order to do so...
"...have you ever told anyone else about this?"
There was an eventual slight shake from Minamo's head. "...no." Her hand went to her chest, as if she were checking for a heartbeat.
Kagura frowned, and then moved the yearbook out of the way, settling next to the woman. "You ok?"
"I feel numb..."
"...numb? What do you mean, 'numb'?"
Minamo took a few moments to respond. "I always...feel really numb, when I even think about...what I did. It's just easy...to push the guilt down. It's so easy..."
"...you don't feel bad?"
"...I do! I always feel terrible, whenever it somehow comes back to me." Minamo cringed. "...but, if I just kept pushing it all away, then, I could get on with things...and pretend...that I've never done anything bad to Yukari..." The woman shivered. "I'm so selfish. I'm selfish, and terrible...that's what I really am."
Minamo's words were coming out so hollow now, as if she were slowly fading away from the world. "...you're not selfish. You...you made a mistake, that's all."
"I'm the mistake."
Kagura flinched at the comment."...no. Come on. Don't say stuff like tha-"
"I am! Don't you get it...? Didn't you listen to me? I cared more about...what others thought of me, instead of what she went through. And then I still somehow loved and wanted her...what is wrong with me?" Her head collapsed down into her chest. "I'm a mess. Nothing about me makes sense, or is good...I'm just terrible..."
"...it's not a great thing that you did. I get that. But...you were just really scared about people finding out you were gay, right? I'm sure Yukari would understand that once you talk to her again..."
Her sensei looked up at her, disbelief in her eyes. "...I ruined her life! I just told you that I ruined it! Why would you even say something like that?"
Kagura finally let out a small sigh, beginning to become lost in the situation. She understood that Minamo had done something that she shouldn't be proud of, but, she still just didn't see how it could make both her and Yukari act so volatile.
...I guess I can't really get it from her just telling me about it. There must be tons of deep stuff to this. Ugh...
"Look, Minamo, I know. You just told me all that. It's not like I'm saying it's all good, just...if things are gonna' get better, then, at least you finally told someone what you did, right? So, like, now you can take a step towards apologizing to Yukari for everything, and make up."
Minamo still appeared stunned at what her student was saying. "...why aren't you upset with me...?"
"What?"
"...don't you realize what I'm telling you? Why...why are you still even here...? Why are you still pretending like...like I'm some good person that you know...?"
"...err, do you want me to hate you or something for lying to Yukari all this time?"
"...I..."
"...well...um, I guess I'm just doing what you would do."
Minamo gawked at her with a baffled look. "What...?"
"I mean, y'know, I just figure if someone came to you and told you that they've been doing somethin' that they weren't proud of, then, um, you'd still try to help them fix things anyway. So, you know, I'm just following your lead..."
A bare second had passed after her last words, before Minamo threw herself into Kagura, her student holding her as the woman poured out fifteen years of guilt.
...did...did I do good?
What happened in the minutes that followed had been such a blur to Kagura. Minamo had cried without let into her chest, to the point where Kagura's shirt had become almost completely soaked with tears. She hadn't minded it one bit though, more than happy to let her sensei expel everything that had torn at her for so long.
When it was over, Minamo had calmed down considerably. Now, the woman was just laying against her as Kagura held the yearbook on her lap, the two of them looking through it upon the couch. And while having her sensei rest upon her was a bit of an odd situation for Kagura to be in, she didn't really care, so long as it helped Minamo remain in stable condition.
...I always forget how lightweight she is, too. Or, maybe I'm just really heavy, ha...but she just never seems like she's an adult when I'm actually touching her.
She stole a quick glance at the woman, Minamo appearing to be quite comfortable against her arm.
At least she looks ok now. So, that means I said the right stuff to her, didn't I? I was just bein' honest. Hey, maybe I don't suck at this as much as I thought I did...
Things had slowed down once again, all the emotions and hysterics kept at bay for now, and that's all that Kagura figured she had to do. She wasn't happy with Minamo for what she had done to Yukari, not in the least, but she would still never abandon the woman in any fashion, the person who had helped her out more than any other in her life.
Still don't get why she's acting so bananas over all this stuff, though. Yeah, she lied to Yukari. But, did it really screw up her life that much...?
Her curiosity about the whole ordeal wanted to be satisfied, but, for the time being, she figured that the best course of action would be to try and lighten up the atmosphere around the apartment a bit, and a high school yearbook certainly had the potential to do that.
"...ha! That's how Yukari used to look? Did she steal that ribbon from someone?"
Minamo chuckled. It was a clearly fatigued one, her body exhausted from wailing so much, but it still sounded amazingly refreshing in Kagura's ear. "...no. It's hers."
Kagura belted out a large laugh. They were staring at a class portrait of Yukari Tanizaki, and the sight was a hilarious one to her. Even back then, the woman had that trademark devilish glint in her eyes, of which topped off a giant, toothy grin that was aimed straight at the camera. But, it was Yukari's fashion sense that tickled Kagura the most, a lovely red ribbon tying off a cascade of unruly hair. "Wow. Did she think it made her prettier or somethin'? I mean, it does, but, it just seems so weird to me. I've never seen her do her hair up at all."
"...she's always just had a lot of hair, and...she didn't like to maintain it much back then. So, she just tied it with a ribbon to keep it tidy, so that she didn't have to comb it every morning."
"Dang, yeah, that sounds like her. Lazy as hell."
"Yes...but, I liked it. I thought it made her prettier, but, I like her with or without it..."
Kagura peeked down at her sensei, a thin smile now present on the woman's face. "So...you really do think she looks hot, huh?" She chuckled.
Minamo became a little abashed then. "...I always have. I guess I just learned...to pretend that I didn't."
"...why do you really like her, anyway?"
"...she saved me..."
She thought to herself for a moment. "Oh...the letter!"
"Yes. If she hadn't done that...I don't know where I'd be right now. I don't want to think about it."
"Then don't! But, that's why you got a crush on her?"
"...she was so nice to me, even though I didn't know her. I guess..." Minamo was clearly blushing now. "...this is silly, but, she was my knight in shining armor, I guess. She just...blew me away. Not just because she saved me, but...she was just so...dashing." A round of flustered giggling then ensued.
Kagura couldn't help but laugh at how her sensei was acting. This is good. Let's just forget about the bad stuff for now. "Are you kiddin' me? I thought I'd never hear the word 'dashing' used for Yukari."
"...it's true. It's true. She...she's not a timid person, like I am. I guess...that's what I love about her the most. She can just be who she wants, and say what she wants, and...when she does something nice for you, like, really nice, then you know it's a completely honest feeling..." Another light giggle escaped her.
"Man, you really do dig her. Look at you!"
"...I'm sorry, I've just never really talked about this with someone before. It's such a weird feeling."
"No, it's ok! You should get it all out, y'know?"
The woman's happy expression became warmer then. "...I just...I just really click with her. I love to be around her, even when she drives me crazy. She's so funny, and it's so fun to talk to her. And..." She paused for a few moments. "...when she gave my letter back to me, she said...that she really liked my smile. She wanted to see me keep smiling. That's what really got me...I still remember how amazing I felt when she said that. And whenever she says something nice about me, I still feel amazing...more than anyone else can make me feel..."
Kagura gave her an approving grin, so relieved to see her sensei regain some of her old, usual merriness. She's kinda' acting like a teenager now. Guess that happens when you talk about someone you're in love with. "Oh, yeah? She said that? She sounds like a player that got you."
More lighthearted giggling.
"And you're still crazy about her?"
Her sensei answered slowly. "...yes." A small, muffled laugh left her lips. "...I can say it now, that I love her. Whenever I thought about it before, my heart would always hurt so much. I even..." She took in a deep breath. "...I even had nightmares about it."
"...nightmares?"
"...whenever my feelings for her returned, I've always had these awful dreams at the same time. Where...where I felt myself dying. I even had one...just a little while ago."
Kagura lifted an eyebrow. "...oh, when you were sleeping while we were out?"
"...yes. I was bleeding...I'm always bleeding in them. Like someone attacked me. And then I feel myself dying, and somehow, I feel there are people around me, just, hating me." She looked down with worry. "...I've always had dreams like that, even when I was young, but the worst ones have been with Yukari in them, where she ends up...hating me, too. I think it's just...whenever I get worried about my sexuality coming to light, I...I just have those bad dreams...like they're warning me to keep...lying about myself."
"...I bet you won't have those dreams anymore. You took a big step today, right? Now when we fix things up between you and Yukari, then, everything will be cool again!"
Minamo hesitated for a moment. "...I don't know about that."
"Why? Yukari will cool off. Even Eiko said so."
"...no. I don't think she will. I really hurt her, Kagura..."
"Because the...uh, where you tried to kiss her...?"
Minamo cringed from being reminded of that earlier night. "...that was so stupid of me. I just...lost control of myself. But...I'm actually talking about high school. No, more than high school...things from even before I ever met her."
Kagura crooked her head. "Err, what?"
The woman sighed. "She...Yukari's always had a hard time making friends. I learned about her junior high days...well, her life before high school, really. You know...she can be hard to get along with. And so...kids avoided her, and sometimes, even made fun of her, because she was always a little different." Minamo shifted herself upon the couch, tucking her legs up underneath her. "I think that's one reason why she became sort of a bully later on. I think that was the only way she knew how to deal with it all, because she could never really change who she actually was..."
"...are you tellin' me that Yukari got picked on?"
"...she just never fit in with the other kids that well. They always said she was more like a foreigner, because she was always so...loud, to put it lightly, and she never liked hearing that. It just made her feel different."
Kagura frowned. "That's a bummer..."
"...so I think, that when she met me, she put a lot of trust in me, because she's been burned a lot before. And then it happened to her again in high school anyway...and that never went well." Minamo's eyes stared down at the floor. "I know she's very sensitive about her friends because of her history with them. And...I was her best friend, and I think...no, I know. I let her down. She always put all her trust in me, and I just kept lying to her about everything..."
She took a second to digest things in her mind. "So...she's really mad because it's like her school days all over again."
"...I know I'm her best friend, and now...even her best friend let her down. That's why she hates me. She did so much for me at her own expense, but I never stopped her, because I'm a coward..."
Kagura gave her a reassuring push on the shoulder, as Minamo was becoming depressed again. "Come on. Come on. Ok...I get why she's so mad. But, you still have to try and fix things. And Eiko will help..." She let her words fade, a thought suddenly coming to mind. "Wait a minute. What about Eiko?"
"...Eiko?"
"She's been her friend since high school too, right? Maybe she wasn't her best friend, but, she's still pretty close to being one, right?"
Minamo considered the words. "...yes. I guess."
"Ok. So, it's not like she can't trust anyone. Eiko's never burned her before, right?"
"...no. I don't think so. They've always gotten along very well. I know Yukari still chats with her a lot. But...I really don't know how close they actually are."
"But you guys always hung out together, though?"
"Yes, but, they also spent a lot of time together without me. Yukari used to spend nights at her house...I think she still does once in awhile. Eiko's family was...is very rich, and owns some amazingly large houses. And, Yukari..." She managed a smile. "...she would fool people into thinking they were her own family's houses, and Eiko always went along with the jokes."
Kagura chuckled. "I can see her pullin' a stunt like that. That's funny that Eiko went along with it, too."
"They did lots of things like that together."
"Ok, so, they sound pretty tight. Does Yukari have any other friends like that?"
"Like Eiko?"
"Yeah, that she stills hangs out with, or just talks to."
"...I guess a few here and there. But, it's not like me and Eiko...where she still regularly sees and hangs out with us."
"Well, ok. Let's just leave it at Eiko, then. They sound like good pals, so, Eiko will convince her to give you another chance, right? Does she listen to Eiko?"
"She does. But..."
"Then what do you have to worry about? You just have to apologize and, I dunno', talk things out...?"
A few seconds of silence passed between them, Minamo eventually, and reluctantly, giving an answer. "...I guess."
Kagura grinned, throwing her arms up in victory. "See! Just let Eiko take care of it. Hey, speakin' of her..." She returned her attention to the yearbook. "Is she in here?"
"...oh. Yes. The next page."
She didn't waste any time, immediately flipping the page, and instantly found the woman in question. "...whoa, she's always looked like that?"
Minamo looked up at her, puzzled. "...like 'that'?"
"You know, like, super hot."
"...oh!" Her sensei smiled. "Yes. She's always been gorgeous, even before high school."
It was another class portrait that Kagura was looking at, Eiko's ravishing face staring right at the camera, both her sharp looks and eyes piercing straight through the lens.
...I wonder if the person taking the picture got chills then. Geez. "Man, I believe it. Seriously, when she first came to the door, I thought she was like a movie star or somethin'. Then I find out she's some executive whose also an engineer...and, holy crap, she let me ride in her freakin' amazing car! It's the most amazing thing I've ever been in! That lady is insane."
Her sensei giggled. "...everyone always feels the same way when they first meet her." Her smile extended just a bit. "But, don't go falling for her too now, like they all did."
The comment caught Kagura off guard, becoming slightly disconcerted. "Wait, what...?"
Minamo smiled. "I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you."
Kagura recovered herself. "...geez. Well, I'm glad you're feeling good enough to joke around now, at least."
"...I feel a little better. I'm still...very, very worried, and upset with myself, but...I'm ok for now." The woman looked up to Kagura. "Thanks for taking care of me, and talking to me, about all these things. I'm always going to be in your debt for everything you've done."
She managed a hearty grin, so glad to see her sensei's spirits improving. "Oh, it's no problem!"
"And I'm sorry I put you through so much. But...I'm still so glad that you came here yesterday. I don't think...I'd be in a good spot if you hadn't shown up..."
"...it's cool. You're my sensei, after all!"
Minamo smiled, and then pressed herself against her arm. "You'll always be my favorite student, Kagura."
"...thanks, coach." The amount of affection she was being shown began to get to her, and she opted to change the subject before she lost too much of her composure "...so, so...people always really do fall for her...?"
"...oh." Minamo blinked as she recalled what they were discussing beforehand. "Yes. She just has a way with people. She even got love letters from girls back in school, too."
Kagura laughed. "Seriously?"
"Yes. She was just really popular. She's just always been so smart and mature, and a lot of the girls even thought she was some sort of model. Which is funny, since her younger brother is actually one..."
"What? No way!"
"It's true! You've probably seen him in clothing ads. Eiko's whole family looks like a bunch of models, actually..."
...a family full of perfect lookin' people, that are rich and smart, too? What the hell, man? So not fair. "That's crazy! You gotta' show me her brother some time, then. Man, Eiko's whole life just sounds too good..."
Minamo smiled. "...she's always had it all. But, she's worked hard for a lot of it, too. She was even student council president after her first year, and I'm pretty sure she's held positions like that in university as well..."
"Figures she'd be into that borin' school stuff."
"...well, she only wanted the job because she hates being told what to do. So, she figured if she were president, then less people could do that." Minamo smirked. "She's just always hated authority. She's so intelligent, and she just hates to listen to people she feels are...well, dumber than her. She even fought with the teachers a lot over all sorts of things..."
The image of a young Eiko getting in the face of a faculty member was more than amusing to Kagura. "I can totally see that. Like, when we were at lunch, she was tellin' me how she hates her bosses and stuff."
"That sounds like her."
"...actually, that reminds me of somethin' I wanted to ask you. You said Eiko and Yukari weren't the same at all, but, they sure seem like it to me. They both definitely don't have trouble speaking their minds..."
"No, they don't."
"Then why'd you say they were, like, opposite of each other?"
Minamo thought to herself. "...well, they are the same in a lot of ways. But...Yukari can't control her temper. When she speaks out, she always loses her cool. But, Eiko never does. That's what I meant. Their temperaments are very different..."
"Ahh...ok. That makes more sense. Yeah, I can't picture Eiko gettin' as mad as Yukari does. Well, I just thought it was funny, 'cause she was telling me some stories about how she and Yukari used to get into trouble together. And I was like, dude, Minamo wouldn't be in on that."
Her sensei chuckled. "...they were a handful for me."
"Yeah, I can totally imagine."
"…I would get mad at them whenever they did something silly, and they both always hated listening to me lecture them, especially Eiko. But, she never argued with me on those things. I could tell she hated having her actions judged, but…she did listen to me." Minamo chuckled softly. "…but for every other thing, Eiko was the one who would do the lecturing. I've just always gone to her with all my problems…"
"Well, she seems pretty mature for the most part, so, yeah, I can understand why."
Minamo let out a long sigh. "…sometimes I wonder how things would have gone if Eiko had been there on that day."
Kagura thought to herself for a moment. "Oh, for the letter incident?"
"Yes. She only joined our school later in the year. I know she heard the story of what happened, because I know it really made her like Yukari a lot, because of what she did. But…I never told her what really happened, and Yukari promised to never tell anyone either. But, I should have…I should have told her everything back then, but…I was so afraid of what she would think of me..."
"…but she's your old childhood friend, right? She's always helped you out before, so…?"
"…this was just different. It was about…my sexuality. I didn't know what she would say, or how she would act, or if she would think of me as gross. And…I would have had to tell her that I had been lying Yukari all the time, too." Minamo shook her head in frustration. "…I just…I hate people thinking badly of me, Kagura. I just crumple up whenever it happens, especially in front of someone like Eiko...
"Why's that?"
Minamo took her time in responding. "…I just…look up to her so much…"
The answer was much briefer than Kagura had expected it to be, and for some reason, her sensei had suddenly seemed to shrink in size upon the couch. "...I guess I get it. Like, finding that someone you look up to might not actually like you…"
"…yes."
"But, she still never asked you about it?"
"…about what?"
"Well, you were sayin' earlier how she probably already knew you were gay and stuff. But, she never talked to you about it?"
"…no. She never has. She used to tell me to not mind the rumors about myself, but, that was about it." Minamo looked worried. "…I don't know. Maybe she did know, and just chose not to talk to me about it. Maybe she wanted me to grow up and talk to her first…but I know I did my best to never, ever mention that day to her..."
Kagura crooked her head. "Then what about Yukari?"
"...Yukari?"
"Yeah. Wouldn't Eiko have spoken to her about you being' gay?"
Minamo appeared dumbfounded by the thought. "…what? Why would she do that?"
"Weren't you sayin' they're pretty close? I mean, since Yukari was getting all that crap for protectin' you, wouldn't Eiko tell her what's up, if she knew? So that Yukari wouldn't keep ruining her reputation, or, whatever..."
Her sensei appeared to consider the words quite carefully, a new wave of apprehension beginning to swell in her eyes. "…no. No, she couldn't have. Because…then Yukari wouldn't be so angry with me now…"
"…oh, yeah, that's true. She probably didn't, then, since Yukari, well, lost it..."
"Right…"
…well, that makes sense, at least. But…I still think Eiko would have picked up on it all? She seems to always know what's going on. Or, maybe she just recently started thinking Minamo might be gay? But, then again…she was telling me how some things had finally 'added up' to her. She was talking about the high school stuff with the letter, wasn't she?
Kagura decided not to spend too much time pondering over yet another puzzle that Eiko presented her with. Regardless of what the woman had been saying to her before, at least it seemed clear, to Kagura anyway, that Yukari really hadn't known the truth about what Minamo had done. "Well, in any case, at least she's helping you out now, and has no problems with you bein' gay."
Minamo's previous uneasiness with the subject at hand began to fade from her demeanor. "...yes. I'm thankful for that. I'm sorry I made a big fuss over not wanting her to come at first…I wasn't thinking straight at all…"
She smiled widely. "No problem. I'm just glad her name got dropped at school today. Anyway, if she and Yukari are on the same level, then there shouldn't be any problems from now on!"
"…I hope you're right."
"Hey, on that note, I was wondering: Since they're both kinda' the same, and you said Eiko got love letters from girls and stuff, then, have you ever had a crush on Eiko before?"
It took less than a second for Minamo's face to turn bright crimson. "Wh-what?"
...wait, why did I ask that?
Kagura was as surprised to her own question as Minamo appeared to be. For some reason, it had just ejected itself out from her. "...uh...well, I mean...I dunno'. She's hot and stuff, so...I guess I'm being dumb. I just figured that since you had other crushes on girls before, that she would have been one of them…?" Isn't that how love works...?
Minamo fumbled about for a few moments, gradually collecting herself. "No...no. Not...Eiko. She's always just been...a friend to me..."
"Oh, ok. Sorry." Kagura laughed, albeit uncomfortably. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It just hit my mind from outta' nowhere."
"...it's fine." Most of Minamo's composure had returned, even though her face was still stained with a few shades of red. "I mean, I think she's attractive, but...she's my friend. I don't feel anything for her, like that. I only think of Yukari that way." She paused for a moment. "...but, I do really admire her. I've always looked up to Eiko, and, she's always looked out for me..."
Kagura smiled. "Oh, like a cool big sister, huh?"
The woman looked away from her for a second, and then settled her eyes upon the carpet. "…no, not really."
"Uh, 'no'?"
"…if she were like that to me, then…" Minamo resigned herself, exuding a long, heavy sigh. "…then, I think I would have been able to tell her that I was gay a long time ago…"
She couldn't help but become confused about what her sensei was now telling her. "Err...you lost me now..."
Minamo kept her gaze upon the carpet for a considerable while then, her eyes glued to the sight. "...there's something...that I've been thinking about myself for a few years now. It's something else besides...the things that I've told you about you in the last two days."
Kagura instinctively braced herself, not at all ready for discovering yet another deeply hidden secret about her sensei.
"...I know I don't really have any room to ask this, but...is it ok if I get just one more thing off my chest to you, Kagura? I just...I guess it's one more thing that I've wanted to talk to someone about. I'd completely understand if you didn't want to, though. It's...it's a silly thing..."
"...well, yeah, I don't mind. But...you know, don't you think it's better to wait and talk to Eiko about whatever it is? She'd definitely have better answers than I would for, whatever..."
"...she's the only person I couldn't talk to about this."
"...oh. Ok. Well...yeah, I don't mind. So, what's up, then...?"
Minamo pursed her lips together, thinking hard, and then relaxed her whole body against Kagura's. "...it's...it's about...my mother..."
End of Part II