I don't own Avengers or anything Marvel related!
The ticking clock seemed louder today than it was last week. Bucky tilted his head slightly to glance at it, double-checking that it was still the same clock.
It was.
His heart pounded, echoing in his ears like it always did when he saw her. He felt something when he saw Dr. Sagan. Gemma. It was the only reason he kept coming to these appointments. That, and a promise to Steve- a promise he was determined to keep. He couldn't label the emotion, it was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Too long.
Rage? No, he remembered rage. He'd felt it all too often as The Asset.
Hopelessness? No, he felt it every day now. He knew how that felt.
Whatever it was, it was a welcome break from the monotony of feeling like he was lost.
She sat across from him, as usual, with crossed ankles and perfect posture. Her crisp, white blouse gaped at the neck, showing just a hint of a sharp collarbone every time she looked down to scribble something on a notepad.
She sits like a lady. A bright memory flashed before his eyes- A pretty brunette crossing her ankles the way the doctor in front of him was. The harder Bucky tried to grasp the memory, the hazier it seemed.
They had been in some diner in Brooklyn, him and Steve, back before Steve was Captain America. They'd been laughing at something when two good looking girls came in, all red lipstick, perfect curls and sweet perfume. They walked like they were used to having eyes on them- which, to be fair, they probably were.
They'd looked like money.
He had watched one of them more carefully than the other- brunettes had always been his type. And what a brunette she was. She'd sat down gracefully, shining brown curls falling over her shoulder as she smoothed her skirts and crossed her ankles delicately. She tugged off her white gloves and laid them in her lap. Red nail polish glittered, a perfect match to her lips and the silky bow in her hair. feeling his gaze on her, she turned. Whiskey-smooth eyes glanced over him, appraising him like something she might buy in a shop.
Bucky desperately tried to claw his fingers into the memory. Something had happened after that- had she smiled invitingly? Had she turned away in dismissal? Did he ever learn her name?
He frowned in concentration, searching the depths of his memory for that happened next- but it was gone. Disappeared like smoke.
It had been happening more frequently these days, memories coming and going at the slightest hint of something familiar- car horns, children's shouts on a playground, women giggling and whispering behind their hands. They all took him back to a time before the war. But it was never enough. The glimpses into his old life made him ravenous to know more- to know everything. He knew he used to laugh easily but it was so hard now.
Steve had seen the frustration in his eyes time and time again when Bucky couldn't remember so he'd suggested that Bucky come see Dr. Sagan. The first three times Bucky had ignored the subtle advice. He would have kept ignoring it, but then one afternoon, Steve had dropped him off in front of the good doctor's office without any warning.
That had been more than a month ago. Dr. Sagan and Bucky had sat in silence across from each other that day- and every week since.
The agreement between Steve and Bucky was that Steve would stop asking questions if Bucky came to his appointments. And since Bucky could handle an hour of silence once a week better than hours of questions from his best friend from a past life, he kept making appointments and to everyone's surprise, he kept going to them.
From the outside, it must have seemed functional- a man seeing a therapist once a week to overcome personal challenges.
But so far, for the past three weeks, the only words between them had been quick greetings and even quicker goodbyes- she always called him Sergeant Barnes in that cool, professional tone. He hated hearing the title on her lips. The rest of the hour was filled with tense silence and a lot of avoided eye-contact.
Bucky sighed in defeat at another lost memory and let his eyes drift back to the clock.
3:51- not even halfway through his weekly hour of silence. Not like he was talking much the rest of the week. But this hour was always worse because he felt her eyes on him the entire time.
He moved suddenly, resting his forearms on his knees and dropping his head in defeat. Even with Steve by his side, he felt more lost now than he'd ever felt as The Asset. At least when they froze him, he didn't have to suffer through the emptiness in his heart.
His fingers flexed, clenching in an attempt to control his rage. Whenever he thought about his time locked away in that frigid basement, he felt Hydra's poisonous words flood his brain. He could feel the other side of him- the unfeeling, harsh weapon they had turned him into- trying to reclaim his body.
He shot out of his seat, startling Dr. Sagan slightly, and paced toward the window. He'd found that anything green, any hint of nature and open space could calm him down when he was close to losing himself. Without even turning around, he knew she hadn't moved at all. That irritated him for some reason. She seemed so certain that he could never hurt her- sitting 6 feet away from him in those impractical shoes. She didn't know what he was capable of, she didn't know that he could cover the space between them and snap any one of her bones- her wrists, her legs, her neck- with absolutely no effort at all. She'd be dead before she knew what was coming.
She didn't know, did she? The question bothered him more than he cared to admit. No one sane would consent to being alone with him for an hour each week. But it wasn't in Steve's style to lie or withhold important information like that. Bucky couldn't fathom what Steve could possibly have told her.
"What time is it, Dr. Sagan?" His voice sounded rusty and unused even to his ears.
"3:56, Sergeant Barnes." Her voice was confident, yet quiet. Smooth and calm, maybe the brunette from the diner 80 years ago would have sounded like Dr. Sagan.
He turned and walked toward her with narrowed eyes, "I'm no Sergeant."
She nodded toward a thin file on her desk. "Your service record lists that as your rank."
"I'm no Sergeant." He repeated as he stood before her. She still hadn't moved. Not an inch.
She nodded once and jotted something into her notepad.
A quick glance at the wall showed 4:00. Another 30 minutes of this quiet hell. If not for the ticking of the clock, he might have thought he'd gone deaf some days.
He suddenly needed her to move. Needed her to show some sign that she was as uncomfortable in the dense silence as he was.
He leaned over her and braced palms, one flesh and one metal, on the sides of her leather armchair. Her only movement was to tilt her head up to maintain eye contact.
"If you knew half the things I've done- you wouldn't let me anywhere near you." His voice was flat.
She watched his face carefully, hoping for some change in his expression. The lack of emotion in his voice bothered her- as both a doctor and a fellow human being. This was the only thing he'd ever said about his past and he seemed so detached from it.
She froze and waited, hoping he would continue speaking.
"Do you know how many people I've killed?" He asked tonelessly. "Innocent people?"
She shook her head and silently shaped the word "no" with her lips.
He brought his hand up, a bright flash in in her peripheral vision told her that it was his metal hand, and grasped her jaw. His hold was just loose enough to not bruise her skin.
"Of course you don't-" His voice had changed- become dark with hate. "A pretty, rich girl like you wouldn't have any idea."
Gemma brought her hand up slowly, gently brushing her fingertips against the cold, smooth metal of his wrist. As she was about to wrap her fingers around the metal, he ripped his hand away as if her skin had burned him.
He placed his hand back on the arm of her chair, caging her in again, watching her like one would watch an animal in a zoo. Gemma picked up her pen and notepad and stood, forcing him to back up and move his hands. She covered the short distance to her desk and dropped her notepad on his file. Standing with her back to him, she spoke- less steady this time, "If you'd prefer a different doctor, Mr. Barnes, I would be more than happy to recommend some excellent names."
"Maybe I don't want to talk." He was right behind her, close enough that she could feel his body heat warming her back. His voice was low and threatening- barely more than a whisper, but it made the hair on the nape of her neck rise. "Not to you or to anyone else."
She turned her head to the side, giving him an unobstructed view of her profile, "Then I suppose thi-"
His hand, this time the flesh one, closed around her upper arm and yanked her around to face him. "Why are you wasting your time with me?"
"Excuse me?" Her eyes darted down down to where his fingers were wrapped around her arm. This time his grasp was tight enough to leave a bruise.
"You sit with me. In dead silence," He ground out the words. "Why are you wasting your time?"
"Mr. Barnes." She raised her hands between them, pressing her palms to his chest to push him back. He didn't move an inch. "Do not make the mistake of thinking you're the first patient who hasn't wanted to speak with me the first few days." She gave up and dropped her hands, curling them into fists, "I wanted to give you an opportunity to speak, whether on not you chose to take it."
His fingers tightened fractionally as they stood- his blue eyes coldly staring into her grey ones. Than, without any warning, he kissed her. A very distant part of her brain registered it as a kiss, but she knew it wasn't that simple. He didn't just press his lips to hers- no, he consumed her. It was a kiss intended to destroy. She stood frozen under his assault, mind split in to warring pieces. One part of her was horrified by the situation and by her unwillingness to push him away and immediately terminate their professional relationship. Another part worried that any movement on her part would send him hurtling back into the dark cavern of his despair. A third, much more perverse part, enjoyed the kiss in it's brutal glory and wanted more, more, more. A growl vibrated through his body as he brought his metal hand up and burrowed it into her hair.
The third part of her brain took over.
She moved her hands without realizing, intent on grasping his shirt, or wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him closer, but caught herself at the last second. Her hands stilled, mere inches from his back, and slowly descended to her sides where she curled her fingers around the edge of her desk. He might not welcome her hands on him- there was no way to know if he would accept her touch or fling her off and leave.
He captured her glossy brown hair in a fist and wrenched her head back, sending hot sparks of pain down her neck and forcing a shocked gasp from her lips. Her wide, cautious eyes met his, but all he could feel was disgust. "Should've known," his voice was filled with self-loathing as he watched her face. "Pretty, rich girl like you can't even touch me."
He released her hair and pulled back, leaving her leaning against the desk. Before he could take a step, she grabbed a handful of his shirt and jerked him close again. "Just watch me." her voice came out braver than she felt- sounding more like a dare than anything else.
There was no hesitation this time when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, throwing herself into a kiss- just as biting as the first one. The sudden shift in power set Bucky on edge. He knew how to be when he was the one calling the shots, but he hadn't factored in her unpredictability.
Hello All!
Lots of news below for you lovely people!
1. First of all, what do you think? Should I continue this or not?
2. I have a Thor/OC one-shot coming out soon because so many of you said there's not enough Thor/OC fics! It's also going to be rated M because who doesn't want to daydream about sex with Thor? It's going to be called Lightning in a Bottle.
3. I'm almost done with the next chapter of Bring Me Back to Life so look forward to an update for that next week!
As always, please review with any critiques, input or ideas about this story or any others!
-M-