AN: There's one name for which I have to make an exception from my Quenya/Sindarin rules. Yes, I'm a terrible teenager and I should be able to get over it at my age, but I just can't call Celeborn Teleporno. I can't. Every time I write a sentence with that, I crack up. I'm sorry.
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Chapter 7: Understanding
Year 32 of the Sun, Doriath
Nerwen returned to Doriath regularly after her first visit, every few years, to find peace under its trees and in talks with its queen. She found a friend in Princess Lúthien as well, and with her, she wandered for days in the forest, being shown the most beautiful glades and hidden places. She was reminded of her visits to Lórien with Itarillë a little, only now she was the one being guided. Lúthien was also much more foreign than her cousin ever was – her Maiar heritage could not be denied. Time seemed to matter very little to her, and she was supremely unconcerned with any matters of war and politics. She lived for the forest, for the beauty that could be found in it – and there was much of that, and not only of beauty.
When Lúthien first mentioned ents, Nerwen had thought they were a special kind of animal, one that was not to be found in Aman, and so agreed to go see them mainly for the sake of the princess'. But then, of course, she saw the reality.
"But...who are you?" She asked in complete amazement the group of tree-like beings that stood before her. "Surely not Children of the One..."
One of the ents laughed with a slow, rumbling laugh. "No," he said. "We came from afar to live in Arda after it was made, when you woke, for we loved the vision of it, and the tune of flowers and trees most of all, and we wished to be with them for as long as we could."
Now she was even more astonished. "You are...Maiar?"
"I don't know the word you use."
"Of course. I mean...like Queen Melian?"
"Yes...and no. She was one of those who who came into the world to help make the vision come true. We came later," the ent rumbled.
"So not Maiar, then, but Ainur nevertheless." That was perhaps even more fascinating to Nerwen who had known quite a number of Maiar in her life, after all, but not any other Ainur.
"Again, these are your words. And the one you call Queen, too, is much more powerful than we are, that is another way in which we're different."
"What's your name, my lord?"
Another slow, rumbling laugh. "I'm no lord. But they call me Treebeard. I am the eldest of us."
"I'm Artanis Nerwen, then." If he wished to go without titles, then so would she, though she could hardly prevent herself from thinking about the spirits that were older than Arda as lords and ladies.
"Hmm, yes, I can see how you'd be that."
She wanted to reply something, but Lúthien called to her, already some distance away. "Come on," she said, "you've seen the Ents, now let's go to that beautiful twinflower I've promised you."
Nerwen hesitated. She liked flowers well enough, but their attraction diminished markedly when compared with discovering that Ainur lived in Middle-Earth as guardians of trees. But it would not be so for Lúthien, of course. For one, she already knew the Ents well, but more importantly, nothing would ever compare in interest with the things that grew for her.
"Go with the princess," Treebeard said in his slow voice. "The twinflower will fade soon enough, but we will be here for a long time yet."
And so Nerwen went, reluctantly so, her mind whirling. "Why do you always take me on these excursions?" She asked, half curious, half irritated for being dragged away.
"I don't always take you," Lúthien replied. "I go alone often enough. But only you can be properly appreciative of it."
"But surely many of your people adore the forest as well – perhaps not as much as you do, but still, enough," Nerwen said in some surprise.
"Oh, yes – but they adore me even more, and that's upsetting." Lúthien shook her head. "I've learned to go alone through the forest, or with Mother. Elves irritate me. You're the exception – how come you're the exception?"
"Having come from the West, I'm resistant to your charms to a degree," Nerwen replied with a laugh. "I think you'd find my brothers would be the exception as well."
"Well, the one you came with first hardly spoke to me, so I'm not so sure!"
It was true that Angaráto did not talk to the princess much, but it was only because he spent all of his time in Doriath with its king. He had hoped to find a replacement of sorts for the grandfather he loved so much in Elwë, and while it hurt him to discover how different the brothers were, he kept coming out of a sense of obligation, telling the king stories about his brother, for he had many of those.
Nerwen had tried convincing Itarillë to come with her to Doriath, believing she could get her a permission to visit through Melian, but her cousin would not go, knowing how upset it would make her father. It was a pity, because Nerwen knew Lúthien and Itarillë could grow to love each other very much.
Instead, she returned alone or with one of her brothers, and brought Ingoldo soon after her first visit, after Findekáno solemnly promised her to take care of his cousin's realm. To her surprise and dismay, her eldest brother quite liked King Elwë – more, in fact, than Angaráto did. Ingoldo was Turukáno's best friend, of course, and there were some similarities in character between this cousin of hers and the Sindarin king, so she had expected her brother to be less hard on their great-uncle than she was, but Elwë's mistakes seemed too obvious to Nerwen to understand how Ingoldo could overlook them so easily. She tried to ignore the little voice that told her it was because Ingoldo, not being a nis, would be less personally concerned with at least some of Elwë's...peculiarities.
In any case, Ingoldo's sympathies meant the northern lands were left without either of them more often than she would like, but the times were relatively calm and everything was in good order every time they returned from their journey, so she did not find enough reason to deny herself these occasional respites from the burdens of Middle-Earth. She came for the peace, and she came for Lady Melian and Lúthien, and not least of all, she came for the Ents, even though she found they were rather unwilling to discuss anything except the forest and what grew in it, and certainly not the time of the Music.
It was on her fifth visit there that she spoke properly to Celeborn for the first time.
She had met him before, naturally, he sat at the same table she did during feasts in Thousand Caves, but she had never spoken to him beside pleasantries until that time.
She was with Lady Melian in her chambers, talking about the spells the Queen used to protect her realm, when he approached them. "My queen," he said, and bowed, "the King requires your presence."
"I'm in the middle of explaining something rather intricate to his great-niece just now," Lady Melian replied. "But thank you, I'll send one of my girls to tell him I'll be with him as soon as I'm done."
Celeborn shifted his feet, and looked away for a moment.
"What is it?" The Queen asked.
"I'm sorry, my lady, but...he said immediately."
Lady Melian sighed a little and rose. "My apologies," she said, to Nerwen. "We'll finish this later."
The younger lady frowned, looking after the departing queen. "This can't be right," she muttered, forgetting, for the moment, that she was not alone.
"I understand your misgivings," Celeborn replied.
She turned her surprised eyes to him, and he said: "I apologize, your words weren't meant for me."
They had not been, but Nerwen was interested in the opinion of someone who knew the royal couple better than she did. "I've noticed what seems like lack of respect on King Elu's part before," she said, "but I've only been here a few times. Tell me, is this...usual?"
"I'm sorry to say it is."
"And what does the court think about it?"
"Well...he's their king, first and foremost. Queen Melian is...they love her, of course, but she is very foreign to them, and with a few rare exceptions, they have a much more distant relationship to her."
Nerwen nodded. "And she to them," she added. She had noticed that already. Queen Melian had her favourites, and she help Elwë where she could out of her love for him, but she was not precisely invested in the realm.
Celeborn looked relieved that it did not have to be him who said so. "Yes," he nodded. "And they can sense it, too. So they aren't as concerned for her as they'd perhaps be otherwise, and they forgive their king things they'd perhaps not forgive other. And of course, he does love her very much, and they see that."
"But what is love without respect?" Nerwen asked, thinking of her father and eldest brother and their approach to her, and even of Angaráto and Eldalótë, a little. While she had always felt a sort of kinship with her sister-in-law, the nature of her relationship to her middle brother was such that it made Nerwen feel a little reserved, and prevented a closer bond from forming.
"I don't know," Celeborn said simply. "I can't imagine it myself, yet the King and Queen seem to be far from the only couple who choose that road for themselves."
Nerwen gave him a thoughtful look. "Let's walk," she said abruptly, and he merely nodded.
They left the Queen's chambers and set out through the exquisitely carved corridors of Thousand Caves. "I, too," Nerwen said after a moment of silence, "have observed couples where respect seemed to be missing on one side or the other. The biggest mystery, to me, is that they often appear happy."
"That's the case of our king and queen as well," Celeborn pointed out. "I believe my grandmother had tried, once, to ask the Queen about it – she is one of the few at court who share your misgivings."
"What did Lady Melian say?" Newen asked curiously.
"To quote my grandmother, 'it was a sharp reminder how very different the Queen is from us'. From what I understand, she doesn't almost notice the...well, the act at all. She sees straight to the king¨s heart, and that's what she reacts to. Everything else is just incidental for her."
Nerwen wanted to protest, but then she paused. "Well, I suppose that for her, it truly would be like that." She thought about it for a moment. "But still...they are the royal couple. I know her interest in the realm is limited, but shouldn't she worry she's setting an example?"
"You can ask her about it, my lady, when you next see her," Celeborn answered diplomatically.
"I expect I'd fare about as well as your lady grandmother did. I think I'd like to meet her properly, though. She sounds most interesting."
"I'm certain you'd like her, yes."
That caught Nerwen's attention. "That's a confident pronouncement, given this is the first time we speak properly."
Celeborn looked away, and was silent for a moment before saying: "I've been...watching you, and...listening to your conversations sometimes."
Oh. Nerwen decided to leave the uncomfortable implications of that statement aside for the moment – she was enjoying the conversation too much to wish to deal with them. "Well, I've heard about your lady grandmother a little even before today," she said instead, "and while I can't be as confident as you, it certainly seems she doesn't take orders from her husband."
"No," he admitted, "neither does my grandfather expect it. Or my father from my mother, though I admit they aren't kings, nor do they rule their own lands."
Nerwen thought back to Valinor. "My parents never seemed to have any disagreements, as both were eager to yield to the other. My cousin's wife often yielded to him, I believe, but more because of their difference in character than for her being a woman. My aunt certainly never showed any signs of submission to her husband, our king, not even after most people choose him as their ruler. Nor did my grandfather Finwë's first wife, from what I know. My own grandmother was, again, not fiery enough to resist her husband overmuch."
Celeborn looked scandalized. "Your grandfather married for a second time?"
"You may well be shocked," Nerwen said bitterly. "After the birth of his first son, his first wife faded, giving most of her fire to my uncle, and her spirit departed to the Halls of Mandos, from where she refused to return. My grandfather was devastated and lost joy in life, something unheard of in the Blessed Lands. After much deliberation, Lords of the West have granted him the exception, allowing him to marry again. I often wonder if they regretted it. My eldest uncle didn't bear it well."
"I can imagine," Celeborn said, still shocked. "If nothing else, any hope of his mother returning to him was lost that way."
"Yes," Nerwen assented, though in truth she saw the full impossibility of Fëanáro's situation only now, though the eyes of someone who heard the story for the first time. "If the Valar hadn't granted him the exception, I wouldn't have been born, yet still... But I can't but believe it was the will the One."
"As is everything that passes," he noted as their steps led them to the less frequented parts of Thousand Caves. "Do you believe that, after a first wife who didn't submit to him, your grandfather intentionally choose one that would?"
Nerwen considered this suggestion. "No." She had many objections to her grandfather, but she would not go that far. "I know it was true Flame of Eru on her part, and in Aman, that couldn't really be non-reciprocated. That was part of the exception he was granted, I think….to feel the Flame again."
"Then it wasn't simply an exception given by the Valar," he pointed out.
"You're right, it couldn't have been. Oh, I don't know! It's not like they told us the details. But anyway, after his first wife faded, my grandfather needed one full of light, and my grandmother certainly is that, in spite of everything. Or she was, before his death."
"Your old king died on the journey here?" Celeborn's astonishment clearly grew.
Nerwen sighed. "No. He died before it started, and was the reason for its beginning. Or one of them."
"He died in Aman?" Celeborn stared. "The Immortal Lands are less so than we were led to believe."
"He was the first to die there," Nerwen explained. "I don't believe there are any tragedies of this sort happening in Aman any more."
"And I expect he was reborn soon enough," Celeborn mused.
Nerwen shook her head. "No, he wasn't, actually. We believe he chose to stay in Mandos with his first wife."
Celeborn looked at her. "I can see, now, why the matter of relationships in a marriage is an important topic for you. You've seen so many different forms of it...and so many of them...well...objectionable..."
"Yes," Nerwen muttered, and added, still upset: "I'm not sure I much like any of the ones I've seen, in fact."
"Not even your king's? There seemed nothing wrong with it even from your point of view, from what you've said," he pointed out.
Nerwen heaved another sigh. This was a painful subject, but she wanted to tell Celeborn about it. She was not sure why – perhaps to get an outsider's perspective? An opinion of someone who did not know any of those it concerned personally? Whatever the reason, she started to talk. "My Aunt stayed behind when we left for Middle-Earth. She had...some good reasons to do so, but she also knew she would not see her husband again for centuries at least, in all likelihood. I don't understand either of them. How could she not follow him, and how could he go without her...again, he had some very good reasons to," and I did my best to convince him, she thought to herself bitterly, "but there were others who could've been given his responsibility. Their separation...I don't understand it, and it worries me. Of course, they've been arguing even before, for decades, counted in years of the Sun, but still, to go so far..." She shook her head. "And then, of course, there's my brother, who always yields to his wife. I love Edhellos dearly and I know Angrod's happy, but I know I'd not want that either."
There was a short silence that felt distinctly contemplative on Celeborn's side, then he returned to their previous topic: "You said that in many cases in your family, the man's will prevailed because of the differences in character. Is this not similar to our king and queen? I mean, her reasons are a little different, but still. And yet you seem to be less bothered by it when it comes to your relations."
"Because your queen's..." Nerwen frowned. "Well, there's only one way to say it and be truthful: she's above him, and he should be aware."
"But you've just said that a relationship in which the husband always yields to the wife doesn't appeal to you either. Wouldn't this be going in that direction?"
Nerwen shook her head. "I was talking about relationships where the two are, essentially, equal. You haven't been to Aman, so it's more difficult to explain, but being as powerful a Maia as she is...you only see a very small shred of her true majesty. Even back there, we only saw a little of the truly powerful ones, but it still gives me the knowledge to understand how great your queen truly is, as much as she wears the body of an Elf."
"Isn't there some excuse for our king, then? He hasn't lived in Aman either," Celeborn pointed out.
"But he knows. Lady Melian would never have married him without showing him the truth, however briefly." Perhaps, Nerwen thought, that is why he does it. He finds the idea disconcerting.
"How do you know?"
"The intimacy we keep is beyond mere words. I understand her mind, as much as I can understand a mind such as this, and she understands mine." Except certain shadowed parts of it, anyway. It cost Nerwen a lot of effort, too. Her mind was open to both the Queen and Lúthien, and keeping the truth of their flight from Aman hidden in spite of that meant constant vigilance that was taking a lot from the relaxing atmosphere of Doriath. Yet what else could she do? This was the rare moment when she blessed the constraints the body put on thought sharing. If she only wore it like a dress, like Lady Melian did, it would have been almost impossible to prevent the Queen from seeing all of her mind at once. As it was, she could hide in the crevices her constricted mind had, distract and lead away from truths she did not wish to become known, all the while regretting so bitterly it was necessary in the first place.
There was a long silence between her and Celeborn now, at the same time comfortable and charged with something new and strange. They were wandering deep in the halls, close to where Sirion flowed, and Nerwen felt no desire to speak. She knew, however, without seeing his mind, that Celeborn was getting ready to.
Finally, he did. "Would you always see yourself in this way, too?" He asked. "Above the Elves of Middle-Earth, because you came from Aman?"
And Nerwen was forced to revisit the thought she had pushed aside before, as she suddenly began to suspect what this unknown tension between them was, even though she had never known it before. "It's not something I can deny," she said at length, carefully, "the wisdom I learned from the Lords of the West, and the light I saw. That doesn't make the Sindar automatically unworthy, however. I found many of those who gazed on the Trees so, even during Noontide of Valinor, after all."
"That appears to give us even less of a chance, then," he replied, trying to keep his tone light.
Nerwen gave her companion a piercing look. "Let us walk out to the woods," she said, and he nodded mutely.
He led her to a small underground haven, and through that, they exited Thousand Caves and walked along the river for a long while, until they found a place where they could climb up to the forest proper. The whole way, they were silent, and Nerwen was trying to arrange her thoughts.
Once under the trees, in the wide, vast space of the forest, she opted for directness and asked him: "Do you love me, Celeborn, son of Galadhon?"
He looked away from her. "I...don't know. I'm not certain. I've tried to find out today, as we talked, butt still...I do know that I admire and respect you greatly, and that I'd resent any man who married you if he was to try and make you less than you are."
"Including yourself?" She asked pointedly.
He did not hesitate. "With all my heart," he said, and in that moment opened his mind to her.
She was a little overwhelmed at first, but his was a good answer, and she took him up on the invitation, skimming over the surface of his thoughts and memories. They were...attractive. She liked him, certainly, she could say so much. As for anything else... "Then allow yourself the time to grow more sure," she told him with a smile, and opened her mind in turn, trying to suppress the feeling of being dishonest, for her openness, of course, was not complete. As with Lady Melian and Lúthien, there were shadowed parts of her mind that she kept from him. She could not stay closed to him without him interpreting it as a rejection, and yet she could not truly open herself to him either.
"Dare I ask if...?" He said at length, after a long time resting in her mind.
Nerwen laughed a little at this. "You're not certain yourself, and you want me to give you an answer? I don't have it, and am unlikely to for some time," she admitted plainly. "Let's walk back now. Company and distraction are, I believe, what we need."
He followed her advice, but in spite of knowing its wisdom, she could not obey it herself. The matter on her mind was such: she knew how marriages worked, and you were supposed to recognize the other half of your life the moment you met them, or at least spoke to them properly; normally, there was no confusion. If there was, it was because the heart was troubled by misgivings that clouded the inner sight. Nerwen's sight was usually very good, but here, it was of no use.
She knew part of the reason, of course. She was keeping a secret. As much as she disliked it, if she ever wanted him to know his mind, that had to be done next she saw him: he needed to know everything, and only then he could tell whether what he felt was the true Flame.
However, that only answered the question of why he was unsure. Why was she?
She remembered Elenwë being unsure for a long time, about Turukáno. There, it had been because she was wary of a marriage with a Noldo and of the character differences, instead of allowing her soul to speak. Was she, similarly, afraid of being married to a Sinda?
She examined her mind and found that she was not. After all, she already knew she found no one adequate among the Noldor. Nor did she know of any significant character differences yet. But this line of thought did lead her tot he right path, the discovery of the motive for her confusion: if she married Celeborn, she would have to live in Doriath under its foolish king, with no share in the government, and give up everything she came to Middle-Earth for.
Was this, she wondered, a test from Eru?
And if it was, did she want to pass it?
It was a terrible and blasphemous thought, and yet she already failed one test, on leaving Aman, because she had not wanted to succeed, had not been willing to sacrifice what it took to stay faithful.
Was this another chance at some form of redemption? Would she take it?
She was restless, and decided she would have to talk to Celeborn in some detail on the morrow.
That evening, Lady Ernil, his grandmother, sought her out.
She should have expected something like this, of course. Celeborn's mind would be open to his relations, and Lady Ernil was a formidable enough Elf, and not the sort to hesitate.
Neither did she rush the conversation, however, speaking at length about the beauty of spring in Doriath first. But finally, she said: "You've had quite some time to admire it today, with my grandson, I believe."
"Yes," Nerwen replied simply. She did not feel obliged to share anything.
Lady Ernil gave her a sharp look. "An unusual choice of company. Normally, you're seen with our princess in the forest."
"I was interested in talking to your grandson," Nerwen admitted.
"And were you interested in hearing what he had to say?"
Nerwen looked her fully in the eyes now. "Forgive me, but that's between Celeborn and me. If he wishes to tell you, it's his business, but I don't see why I should."
To her surprise, Lady Ernil chuckled a little. "No reason, I suppose. But I've seen him struggle with certain hopes and fears ever since you first came to Thousand Caves, and I'd be glad if his heart could finally rest."
"If you know his heart," Nerwen replied against her better judgement, "you know he's unsure still, so how can it?"
"And is it not because of you that he's unsure?" Lady Ernil asked.
This conversation was growing decidedly uncomfortable. "Allow me to repeat that I see this as a private matter," Nerwen said, a shade more coldly.
"That's your right, of course. I'd simply like to remind you that unless you open yourself to him, he'll never rest." Lady Ernil left, and Nerwen stared at her back, frowning. Yes, thank you, she thought, I am perfectly well aware of that. It is precisely that thing that is likely to give me nightmares tonight.
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She sought Celeborn out after breakfast, and he smiled upon seeing her and accompanied her out to the forest again. "You give me much hope," he said.
"This is both less and more than you believe. I needed to speak to you for a particular reason, not just out of my desire for your company, but the reason may well fill you with joy." She paused. "If I married you, would you insist we lived in Doriath?"
He seemed taken aback. "It's my home," he said, "why do you ask?"
"I came to Middle-Earth to have a realm of my own," she answered plainly. "I don't, but my council is heard among the Noldor, and I play an important part. Here, as you know, I would play no part at all."
"Why don't you have your own realm?" Trust him to ask the most uncomfortable question. "Middle-Earth is wide enough."
"I couldn't have one in Beleriand, not without getting in conflict with your king," or mine, she added silently. "The lands east of it are covered by the Shadow. And I do have some responsibility for my brothers, and even for the lands of the Noldor as a whole, because I took part in convincing some of them to leave. I hesitate even when I go here, I'd never cross the mountains and so make it almost impossible for them to seek my advice."
He nodded, and returned in his mind to her original question. "I wouldn't want to quit Doriath completely," he said, "it's always been my home. But that's not saying we'd have to always stay here, or that you would. I'd never deny you freedom of travel, and I'd be willing to accompany you to the realms of your relations, if you were to take me. You needn't give up the word you have in their councils."
She smiled, a little ironically. "I never would have. But thank you for your answer."
They walked in silence and their steps turned back as Nerwen contemplated what she now knew. She was aware she would need much longer to fully absorb it and realize what it meant for her. She bid Celeborn goodbye once inside, and headed to the Queen's chambers to seek her soothing company.
Of course, a price for this company was that she had to brave Lady Melian's insight. One look at Nerwen was enough for her to have a good sense of what was happening, and she asked: "Which Sindarin lord was splendid enough to charm a lady came from Valinor?"
Nerwen smiled mischievously. "King Elu was," she replied.
The Queen laughed in response. "True, but I certainly hope he's not the reason for your current preoccupation. I'm used to different emotions from you when you're thinking of my husband."
Nerwen cast her eyes down. "My lady..."
Lady Melian shook her head. "Don't apologize, we both know you aren't sorry. And I'm not angry. I think you're closer to understanding why I act the way I act towards him, in truth."
"I might be," Nerwen admitted. "I'm not certain yet."
"Yes, your mind does seem clouded by confusion. Come, then, let us remember Lórien together. The memory of Lady Estë must be enough to calm anyone."
"Sometimes," Nerwen replied, "I feel I'd give anything to see her again."
"You will, one day," Melian answered, and Nerwen avoided her eyes. The Queen sensed her upset, but chose to associate it with what she already knew troubled her guest.
"Cast your mind to the rose fields," she said, and thinking of Itarillë, Nerwen did.
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AN: Edhellos – the Sindarin version of Eldalótë.
Also, about the Flame...it's my headcanon for explaining all the immortal elven ladies cheerfully giving up their relationship with everyone they have ever known, for tens of thousand of years, because of some guy they've met, like, twice. I mean, either they're dumb, or there's some kind of metaphysical soul mate stuff going on. And since I strongly dislike the implications of Lúthien and Arwen both being dumb and Aegnor as a male being the only one capable of thinking stuff through, I opted for the other explanation. (Also, the elves are supposed to happily stay together for said tens of thousands of years. Some metaphysical help sure comes handy in that...)