This is now one of my favorite chapters.
"Shit...That sword's seen better days." Robin commented.
Priam grinned, as he held up Ragnell. "Indeed! It is the great sword used by Ike! Despite it's outward appearance, it retains it's might in battle!"
"Well, I suppose it probably got pretty worn out, smashing into plumbers and other Smash Brothers." Robin commented. "Still waiting on my invite for that…"
"I know not of these 'plumbers' you speak of." Priam commented. "However, I have been told by word of mouth of warriors from different dimensions my ancestors fought! The Murderer in Red! The Green Knight! The Pink Horror! The Orange Baroness! The Yellow Spark! The Blue Blur!"
"...Much as I would like to see you continue…" Robin paused. "...Actually, fuck it. We can do what we want. Do every Smasher Ike fought."
"With pleasure!" Priam exclaimed. "The Flaming Nut! The Hammer King! The Introverted Warlock! The MetaKnight! The Commander of Nature! The Warrior Angel! The Beast Tamer, who commanded his beasts, The Shelled River, The Fearsome Flower, and The Normal Dragon! The Fat Dasterd! The Turtle Dragon! The Killer Kong! The Hounding Fox! The Frozen Two! The Thorned Peach! The Reptilian Steed! The Ninja Princess! The Flaming Captain! The Sharp Hawk! The Dark Lord! The Sleeping Siren! The Magic Hound! The Mean, Lean Green! The Flat Demon! The Wise Child! Robert! The Monstrous Snake! The Child of Winds! The Wolf! The Trained One! The Metal Man! The Commoner! The Queen of the Sky! The Pint Punch! The Green Ninja! And, last but not least, The Hero King, Marth! And others that have yet to be confirmed!"
"Very nice." Robin said, clapping. "Nobody's going to get anything special for naming all of those, but I'm just glad it exists. Speaking of blurring the fourth wall, before we talk about any issues I have with you, can we talk about how inane your existence it, on an advertising level?"
"Very well!" Priam exclaimed. "What is your problem with my character?"
Robin paused for a second, thrown off by Priam's fourth wall awareness. "...Yes. Anyway, My issue is with how much you are a product of Ike's popularity. When people here that there is a 'Wielder of Ragnell' in Awakening, their first thought is going to be of Ike."
"Oh." Priam said. "So what you're saying is that I'm a cheap marketing ploy?"
"Yup." Robin replied.
"I understand." Priam said, before pausing. "By the way, did you hear Marth was in Awakening?"
"...Oh." Robin muttered.
"Indeed! He's on the box cover and everything! I mean, he's wearing a strange mask, but it's obviously him!" Priam continued.
"I get your point." Robin said.
"A companion of mine even played the first chapters of the game, and it turns out the name of that character is Marth! Truly Nintendo has heard the call of the fans!" Priam exclaimed.
"You can stop now." Robin said, annoyed.
"What's that? It's not Marth? It's some random girl? Worry not! You can still have the Hero King himself join your ranks! You just need to pay a fee to download the extra content!"
"Ok! Ok! I see what you mean!" Robin exclaimed. "Lucina's kinda worse! However, at least she was relevant to the story!"
"Are you not familiar to the concept of a secret character?" Priam asked.
"...Screw it. Put the fourth wall back up. I know when I'm beat." Robin muttered.
"A glorious victory!" Priam exclaimed. "Now, would you care to inform me why I am here?"
"I'm firing you." Robin said. "I would make up some vague reason, but you're the last one and I just want to be done."
"Understood!" Priam exclaimed. "This must be a great loss for you. It is truly a sad day to be a Shepherd!"
"Well," Robin said. "I think Chrom and I are the only Shepherds left." He paused. "Speaking of which, what the hell are you doing with Emmeryn?"
"Ah, yes!" Priam exclaimed. "A love story for the ages! I was charged with protecting her, and slowly we fell for one another. I, her grace, kindness, and beauty! She, my strength, honor, and my long, hard-"
"Don't say it." Robin quickly said.
"-blade!" Priam exclaimed, once again thrusting Ragnell in the air. "Imagine the bloodline of the children we will one day have! Such a shame we did not elope during the war! We could have met a child from the future!"
"Ok, first off, that's not how it works!" Robin exclaimed. "Just because a couple got together during the war, doesn't mean they were ensured a child! There a time travel rules to that! Secondly, don't you feel bad about...doing stuff with Emm? She's...you know…" Robin struggled to find the words.
Priam narrowed his eyes. "I believe you have misjudged Emmeryn's condition. The worst of her mental damage is amnesia and a speaking disorder! Aside from those two facts, she is the same woman who gracefully ruled over this kingdom and sacrificed herself for the greater good!"
"...I suppose you're right." Robin sighed. "Still, Chrom's probably going to be pissed when he finds out. I'm still sore from our intense sparring match follow his 'approval' of my relationship with Lucina." He rubbed his arm. "That was a while ago. Hell, I died and it still hurts."
"I would gladly face any challenge put before me by the Exalt!" Priam exclaimed.
Robin sighed. "If you say so…"
Flash Forward!
"It's so nice that you two could come over!" Sumia exclaimed. She, Chrom, Robin, Lucina, Priam and Emmeryn were seated in the palace's private dining chamber.
"Indeed." Lucina commented. "It was quite a surprise to hear that you and Aunt Emmeryn got engaged."
"We are…very happy." Emmeryn said, smiling.
"I'm glad to see you starting to regain some of your speech skills." Chrom commented.
"Yes." Emmeryn said, before frowning. "No memories…"
"Well, we'll just have to make some new ones!" Priam exclaimed.
"I'm surprised Father didn't challenge Priam to a duel, considering what he did to you." Lucina whispered to Robin.
"Oh, your dad is much more devious than that." Robin replied. "Just wait for it."
"Oh!" Chrom exclaimed. "The main course it here!"
The dishes were placed in front of each of them. As the covers were removed, Priam's face fell.
"Ah, yes. A salad dinner." Chrom said, making direct eye contact with Priam. "The vegetables were in season, so Sumia decided to make an entire meal based on what was in the garden."
"No...no meat?" Priam shuddered.
"Not a cut." Chrom replied, a threatening smile on his face. "Come on, Priam. It would be rude not to eat it."
Slowly, Priam stuck a fork through a leaf on his plate. Everybody else at the table was normally eating, aside from Robin, who was trying his best not to burst out laughing.
Priam was really fun to write.
I originally was going to expand that last bit into its own chapter, but I figured this was the last official decruitment so I just threw it in. I know I was missing a good chunk of the royal family, such as Cynthia, Morgan and Lissa, along with their respective partners, but I didn't want to throw in anybody needlessly. Also, Chrom hasn't had any scene time yet, so this was a nice way to throw him in.
And that almost all the units. It's been a fun ride. It's not over yet, but I figured I should mention that. I couldn't have imagined that such a stupid idea would become so popular.
I'm open to taking questions/prompts. They'll just be expanded onto this story.
We are missing two of the most important units in the game, however. Stay tuned, kids. Things are going to get interesting.