The sun was rising. The beautiful golds, and yellows, reds and oranges painting their colors across the l sky. It was dark still, and Remus watched as the stars slowly disappeared from the sky, only to be replaced with color. He'd been sitting there peacefully for a while now. He hadn't moved for close to an hour, sitting instead with his legs dangling off the astronomy tower. Remus slowly got to his feet, putting his hand on the wall for support, to ensure he didn't fall. As he made his way back to the Gryffindor common room, the depression hit him again. It was easy to forget about his life, and the monster inside when he was sitting there watching the sunrise. That's why he made it part of his morning routine. Every morning he'd wake up around four in the morning, and walk to the astronomy tower, then sit there until the sun had almost completely risen before sneaking back to the common room and pretending to be asleep. He knew if Sirius and the others ever found out about this particular secret, he'd never hear the end of it. This wasn't the first secret he had kept from them. The lines on his arm telling the story he'd never share.
A little while later, he was awakened by something jumping on his legs. He slowly opened his eyes, seeing Padfoot on top of him.
"Oh get off, I'm coming."
Padfoot leaped of the bed and on to the floor, quickly changing into his human form laughing.
"Hurry Moony, you of all people don't want to be late for class!"
"Sod off Padfoot, I'm hurrying!
Remus hopped out of bed, already dressed. He walked to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. His amber eyes had dark circles underneath his eyes, and he looked thin and sickly. Remus sighed. It was the same unfortunate sight that greeted him every day he decided to look in the mirror. he hurried up, grabbed the rest of his possessions, and walked out the door with Sirius.
His classes went by rather quickly, nothing in particular happening. He had an average amount of homework nothing to strenuous. Remus sighed. He knew, he wouldn't be completing much of that work tonight. It was the full moon, and he would become a monster that night. A monster that killed. Something terrible that he had absolutely no control over. The thought was terrifying. And yet, every month, once a month. It was a terrible thing and he hated it. He sighed. This was one of the worst parts. Always second guessing himself, doubting himself, hating himself. If it weren't for the mauderers, he wouldn't even be here. he was forever in debt to them.
They had become animagi for him. They'd help him when he was wounded after the full moon, and had even put up with his mood swings, and all he could give them was some mediocre friendship. They risked their lives for him. Why they did, he had no idea, but he loved them for it.
He finished up his remaining homework before preparing himself for the full moon. He ate very little, because he was too nervous as usual. He was always terrified something would happen, but nothing ever did.
He waited for another hour, attempting to study for tomorrow's test, but accomplished very little. He slowly walked down to the whomping willow. It was bitter cold outside that night. One of those nights where it was so cold, you could feel the chill in your bones. Remus shivered. We continued walking toward the ancient tree, listening to the crunch of the leaves as he walked.
Sirius, Peter, and James all met Remus outside the whomping willow at seven o'clock. They walked through the old tunnel to the shrieking shack. They made it just in time before the transformation began. As soon as it started Remus felt pain. Then Remus lost himself.
Remus knew it was going to be a bad transformation as soon as it started. As soon as he lost control he could do nothing but watch. Remus watched, a prisoner of his own head, as the wolf paced. It paced for a while, before laying down. Remus felt relief. It was short lasting however, for soon, the wolf was tearing itself apart. It rarely happened, but sometimes, during a really bad transformation it did.
The marauders had no idea what to do to help Remus when it happened. Usually their presence was enough to stop remus. But it didn't stop. If anything, it worsened. The sun has almost risen, and the transformation would soon end. However, Sirius saw remus lunge for his own throat, and he tackled remus to stop him. He didn't care what happened to himself, but remus couldn't die. The wolf, angered by this, slashed Sirius across the back, before transforming back into remus.
Remus immediately knew something was off. It hurt. Everything hurt. He could feel blood dripping from wounds all over his body. But that wasn't what felt wrong. He could smell blood. Blood that wasn't his. He looked down, and saw Padfoot, in dog form, on the ground whimpering, a huge gash across his back. He transformed back into Sirius, laying down on the ground. Remus felt like he was going to vomit. He did that. He had injured Sirius. His BEST friend. He hated himself.
"Sirius oh god. What have I done?"
He reached to pull Sirius into a hug, and felt Sirius flinch beneath him. He jumped back like he had been burned.
"Remus I'm fine it's just a cut. Don't worry about it."
I knew it was my fault. Sirius was hurt, and it was all my fault.
"I'll go get Madam Pomfrey."
James moves forward, as if to black me from Sirius.
"You've done quite enough already remus."
He stepped back. They were afraid of him, he realized. They didn't want to be around him. He stood up, and ran away as fast as he could. He heard Sirius calling to him, but he ignored him. He didn't really want him there anyway.
he ran as fast as he could to my dorm. he sat down. What was the point of being here? They hated him now. He was a danger. He hurt his best friend. Remus sighed. He was done. He couldn't take it. What if he killed one of them? He wasn't worth the hassle anyway. He grabbed the first sharp thing he could find, which happened to be a razor blade. He smashed it open, and then grabbed a blade. He walked slowly. His feet dragging, as if his body was protesting the very idea of ending his life. There was a tiny voice in the back of his head, screaming that he was loved. That his friends needed him. But he ignored it. He continued to the astronomy tower. The sun hadn't fully risen yet. The colors were still beginning to streak across the sky. He sat there and watched. He watched the beauty of it. He knew this would be his last time watching. His last morning here. He knew it was for the best though. He couldn't live with himself after what he had done. Not when his friends were even scared of him. He finished watching the sunset, knowing Sirius would have to go see madam Pomphrey, and thinking they probably weren't looking for him anyway. When the sun has fully risen, he grabbed the blade, before saying a quick goodbye to the world.
He pushed his sleeves up, before glancing down at his arms. It wasn't pale white skin that greeted him, yet neat rows of pale white raised skin. They were Grotesque in nature, and years old. They were from first year, when he didn't have his friends to help him through lycanthropy. It was a difficult journey, one he couldn't do alone. He had almost taken his life before he met him. And he didn't regret his decision not too. He cherished every memory from their times together. He'd love the three of them forever. Even from the grave.
He shut his mind down. He couldn't afford to reminisce right now. He placed the very edge of the sharp blade on his skin. It felt cold. His hands were shaking. He pushed down, watching as the blade bit into the soft flesh of his arm. It burned, but he knew he deserved it. He drug the blade to his elbow, watching as the gash slowly filled with blood. He repeated the process on the other arm. He had already lost a significant amount of blood, so it didn't take long for him to start feeling very light headed. He closed his eyes, willing the pain to end. It soon did, for he felt no more. His last thoughts were of Sirius, James and Peter.
Sirius
Sirius knew this was going to be a rough transformation when remus wasn't responding to them. He ignored them, pacing back and forth. But when remus began to hurt himself, he almost couldn't take it. He wanted to help, to make him stop, but he knew he had little power against a werewolf. So he stayed back. Until, remus lunged for his own throat. In a split second, he jumped and tackled remus before he could hurt himself. This angered the wolf, and before he knew it, Sirius felt agonizing pain across his back. He yelped. Remus transformed, and so did so did Sirius. Remus ran to His side, but Sirius couldn't hide the flinch when remus touched him. Remus jumped back like he had been burned.
"Hey I'm fine. It's just a cut. It's no big deal, I'm fine."
Remus looked like he was going to cry.
"I'lol go run and get madman Pomfrey." He said quietly.
James stepped in front of Sirius, as if he was defending Sirius from remus.
"I think you've done quite enough remus."
Remus took a few steps back, looked at the three of us carefully, analyzing the situation. Then, in a flash, I saw a look of hurt and deep sadness settle in his eyes that I had never seen before. I tried to say something, but remus ran off before I could.
"REMUS!"
I called for him, but he never came back.
"James what the bloody hell was that? He couldn't help it remember? And he's injured for Merlin's sake. He could collapse at any moment with all the blood loss!"
James immediately looked guilty.
"I'm sorry Sirius. I was just worried for you."
"Well I'm fine damnit. We have to go find remus. I think he's going to hurt himself."
"What do you mean?" James said.
"Didn't you see that look in his eyes? Something is seriously wrong."
James nodded sadly. I sat up.
"Maybe you shou—"
"Shouldn't what, go find my friend before he offs himself? Just get your wand and quickly heal the cut. You're a wizard aren't you?"
He looked as if he was going to protest, but decided against it. He performed a quick blood clotting charm, and then we were on our way.
"Where would he be?" Peter asked quietly.
"Let's check the dorms, and if he isn't there, we'll grab the map."
Peter and James immediately nodded in agreement. We hurried to the Gryffindor boys tower in search for remus, but he wasn't there. I grabbed the map, searching for a possible location, before noting he was at the astronomy tower. I broke into a run, assuming james and Peter would follow. As soon as he got to the astronomy tower, he looked for remus. He hoped he hadn't jumped. The map said he was still here, but he couldn't find him. He looked down, realizing he was standing in a puddle of blood. He felt sick. He immediately ran over to where remus was laying, unconscious hoping he wasn't yet dead. He grabbed his wrist, checking for a pulse, and felt immense relief when there was one. Faint though it was, it was still there.
"Peter! Go get Madam Pomfrey now!"
Peter started running towards The hospital wing.
James places his hand on Sirius shoulder, but Sirius shrugged it off.
"Don't. This is your fault. You're the one who sent him away. If you hadn't been so adamant to get rid of him, we could've talked to him. Now he might die. Remus. One of our best friends, could die. And it's your fault. This is on your conscious. Not mine."
James sat down on the other side of remus.
"Believe me, I know. I will regret this for the rest of my life. I'm sorry."
Sirius shrugged. "Sorry isn't going to help remus now."
They sat there in silence, the air tense. It wasn't long before madam Pomfrey made her way to the astronomy tower, levitating remus back to the hospital wing. They walked back with her, Sirius refusing to leave Remus's side. They made it back to the hospital wing, but Madam Pomfrey refused to let them enter.
"I need to tend to remus now. You can see him when he when he wakes up" she said this solemnly, almost as if she didn't believe he would wake up.
Sirius turned to James.
"I'll never forgive you if he dies."
"I'll never forgive myself."