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Control - Halsey

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Control

I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones

May 1 2012

She sat at the end of the bed, head held in her hands trying to gather her thoughts as best as possible. But as her fingers ran through her oily roots of her hair, she felt sick. As quickly as possible, Becca hurried to the bathroom and closing the door behind her. Water ran cold out of the faucet and she proceeded to throw it on her face, the nauseous feeling sinking back. The young girl turned the water off and let her fingers hold tightly to the porcelain basin, finally looking up to see her reflection. She looked a mess.

The entire night was a mess. Becca agreed to a night out with Garrett and a few of their colleagues, in the desperate need to let loose for a nights. She had invited Steve but he wasn't up for it, which she completely understood. Hell, she wasn't a crazy partier either, but this was just a few drinks with a few friends. A few drinks turned into a few shots, turned into heavy flirtation between Becca and Garrett and then all of the sudden they were sharing a cab back to his apartment. And now here she was, waking up from a night spent together in his bed.

That's when everything clearly clicked in her head. And she needed to get out of there ASAP.

For a STRIKE agent, it was beyond easy for Becca to slip around the apartment and gather her things. By the time she was ready to sneak out the door he was still face down in the pillows. As she closed the door, that's when the nausea came brewing back to the surface of what she just did. The bright April sun was shining to an extreme at the 7AM making her more self conscious at what just happen. It was like every person was staring at her, knowing what had happened the night before.

She couldn't go back to her apartment. She couldn't sit alone in her thoughts. She needed to talk it out, desperately. She grabbed two coffees and started her walk to the apartment she needed right now. At the door, being careful of the hot drinks, Becca buzzed the apartment.

"I swear to God, I will kill whoever you are." A tired voice came through the intercom after several buzzes.

"Eve, let me up."

She didn't have to say anything else as the door unlocked beside her. For once Becca actually took the elevator up to her best friend's apartment on the 9th floor. She was just too exhausted to move her body anymore than she had too. Eve was already standing at the door, blonde hair a mess and just a tanktop and shorts covering her arms crossed body, when the doors opened to her floor.

"This better be worth it, Stark. Do you know what time it is?"

The brunette trudged over to her, holding the respective coffee out as a peace offering. "I fucked up."

Eve could see the guilty look in her eye and along with her cursing, she knew this was serious. "Get inside." Her words were softer, knowing she didn't go out of her way for help like this often. "What's going on?"

Becca cleared her throat, looking over at the bedroom door that was ajar. "Is anyone here?"

"No. Just you and me." The two made their way to the couch, each taking a side to lean against the arm rest. Legs almost intertwining with each other as they sipped on their coffee. This is how the two have managed issues in their life together since they had met. All they needed was a couch, coffee, and each other. Neither of them had a friendship growing up like they had finally with one another. They guessed it was true what they said about how friendships in college were stronger than others. "Tell me, would ya."

With one more sip of her coffee, Becca just said it. "I slept with Garrett."

To say Eve was surprised was an understatement. Especially since her friend really hadn't brought up that name in almost a year. "Oh...okay. And I guess a congratulations aren't in order than." She received a glare in return. "What? You guys were so hot on one another for so long, in never made any sense how you didn't get together. Or at least hook up."

"Because I'm not that person. I've never been that person." Becca's fingers played with the plastic cover on her cup. Her fingers itching to pull out a knife but she was very good holding off that action in front of Eve.

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up or just one night stands. It lets you experiment and explore what you like and what you don't like. And it's an easy stress fix."

Becca giggled at how she said her words, knowing how true she was talking from experience. "I know there's nothing wrong with it. People can do whatever they please…"

Eve's eyes went wide, knowing she wanted to continue. "But?"

"But I like having a connection with someone. Forming out a relationship. Talking. Getting to know someone inside." She looked up finally to see the girl opposite of her with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not a prude." She felt defensive.

"Oh honey, I know that!" She laughed, knocking her foot into Becca's thigh. "I very much remember that boy you were with freshman year into sophomore."

The brunette nodded, thinking back to her last boyfriend. "Cody."

"You just had to go for a musician. A girl can't help it."

"He played trumpet!"

"And I bet the boy knew how to use those lips."

Becca blushed at the thought. Cody had certainly been a great guy. They had connected the end of freshman year, laying low over the summer and then back to hot and heavy sophomore year. But she had broken up with him before Thanksgiving break even hit. She didn't know if it was the feel of her first 'adult' relationship or just a guy out of New York falling for her, but his charm weared off after awhile.

The one thing she wants in life was to fall in love. And sadly she couldn't feel that way for him.

"How'd it happen?" Eve asked, seeing the far away look in her eyes.

"We went out drinking with a couple of people we know. And one thing led to another and I woke up in his bed a half hour ago."

"Do you...do you remember everything?"

Becca gave her a confused look. "Yeah, why?" And that's when the realizing hit from where she was going with that. "No, he didn't take advantage of me if that's what you mean."

"I'm just trying to get all the details. I mean you were drunk, so I'm worried." Eve set her coffee down on the coffee table.

"No, no definitely not." Her brunette locks flew back and forth around her head. "If anything, I might have pushed myself more on him than anything." Once again, her head fell into her hand feeling the grease build up on her scalp. "Why! Why the hell did I do this?"

Eve cleared her head, finally waking up completely this morning. She leaned forward, holding onto her best friend's calves to give her some comfort in the moment. "You said you like to have a connection with someone right? Well the last I knew you two for sure had something."

"Yeah, but-"

"But what, Bec? Is this about Steve?"

Her head popped up at the question. "No, no! I mean-there's...there's nothing between Steve and I."

"Then why can't you open yourself to him? Why is this weighing you down?"

"Because I felt nothing!" The words poured out of her body easily. As easily as it was for the tears to well up in her eyes. "I was tired. I'm exhausted of lying to everyone about who I am, keeping myself as a Stark secret. And I just wanted to feel something. Comfort. Cause you're right. There was something there." Becca wiped her wet cheeks. "But all I felt was worse."

"Oh, honey." Eve situated herself closer to pull Becca's legs over her lap to be next to her. "He's just a boy. Just one boy."

She sniffed, setting her own coffee on the ground. "That's what's making it worse."

"Because you wanted him to be more than that?"

"I think so without even knowing it." Becca sighed, leaning back over the arm of the couch. "I just want to find someone that I can fall in love with."

"Don't fall in love." Eve shook her head, face for once fully serious. "Falling in love is for masochists. You're just setting yourself up to fail. Trust me." Her past a haunted ghost in her body.

"Eve-"

"Look, I'm just saying." She pulled herself out from under Becca and bent down to give her a kiss on the forehead. "You're too pure for that shit. You want some food?"

Becca knew Eve had had bad relationships in the past. But she was never one to fully open up about it. Not yet at least. "Starved. Could I use your shower first?"

"Of course. Borrow whatever clothes you want too." Eve stopped at the kitchen wall and turned back to her friend. "You okay?"

"I will be." Becca stood up, finally not feeling like she was going to be sick at any second. "Just need to regain my footing."

As if her morning could get any worse she was called in to SHIELD only an hour after she showed up at Eve's. Fury was abrupt on his call and his posture was stiff as she found her way to his office.

"We are dealing with a serious problem." He checked the hallway again before closing the office for them. "I have Secretary Thaddeus Ross currently in our boardroom wanting to meet with Captain Rogers."

Becca's eyes blew wide, shock clearly present across her face. "Can I ask why, sir?"

"You read the report about the Battle in Harlem back in 2010?"

"Yes, between Dr. Banner and Emil Blonsky. And Romanoff has retold the tales." She wrung her hands in front of her, not knowing if that was information that was supposed to be shared between the two cohorts. But it was hard to miss the shock that ran in Natasha's eyes after witnessing the destruction of the large neighborhood.

Director Fury nodded, her knowledge correct on the event. "Blonsky was Ross' problem. He's the one, that for all things considered, turned him into what we now know as Abomination...and made Dr. Banner into..."

"The big guy." She finished, understanding where this was coming from.

"Exactly." The man paced over towards his desk, a loud beeping coming from his screen. "You know what he was trying to do, Agent Bex?"

Her eyes followed him as he stopped the beeping and began typing out a response to whatever was on the other side of this conversation. But her director's words made her mind flash back to the conversation she had with Peggy Carter a few years back now. "The super soldier serum."

At the answer, Fury looked back up to her, stopping his work for the moment. "If he gets is hands on Captain Rogers...we don't know what he will do."

Becca swallowed harshly, knowing it won't go well if that happen. The Secretary would use him as a lab rat, doing whatever tests to recreate the serum. Making Steve Rogers a guinea pig. And that's something she would not let happen. "What do you need me to do, sir."

"Hill and I are on our way out to deal with another problem, because clearly they aren't becoming few and far between as of late." He finished typing by sending something off and shut down his interface. "I need you to take care of him."

"By what means?"

"Anything that needs to be done to get him out of here and stop him from coming around." He moved back around the desk, the black leather trench coat flapping behind him.

The brunette nodded, hands resting on her hips. "With all due respect sir, I may not have all do respect to give him."

"That's why I want you to take care of this, Agent Bex. We want to keep him away from Captain Rogers. Just be yourself." Fury nodded and opened the door for the two to file out. She bid her goodbye to Fury and Hill before heading off on her own adventure for the day, all the while trying to keep herself hidden from Garrett incase he decided to show up to the office today.

But what she didn't expect was a perfectly combed blonde soldier to cross her path on the way to the conference room.

"What are you doing here?" Becca's eyes must have held some sort of apprehension because Steve felt uneasy at the eye contact immediately.

"You said when I was ready to come to SHIELD." His hand gestured towards her, watching her head swing back and forth on her neck to look around the two of them in the nearly empty hallway.

"And you picked today of all days."

Steve's browline buckled. "I'm sorry?"

"Just go to my office, lock the door and do not open it unless it is me. And only me, understand?" At these words she was now a measly foot away to look him straight in the eye, her voice low that only the two of them could hear.

"Did-did you just give me an order?" His smile full on surprise and amusement as his eyes widened looking down at the girl in front of him.

She let her head fall back, the brunette waves falling down her back. "I'm too stressed to handle your snark. Please just go and I'll be there as soon as possible."

"Is everything okay, Becca?" The blonde's face grew serious now, looking over his own shoulder since she was now putting him on edge.

"It will be when I'm done." She looked back up at him, trying to let the soft smile play against her lips, hoping that it would settle the both of them down. "Just for the love of God, go."

He gave her a nod, but not before letting his eyes travel over her in trying to read the situation one last time. She squeezed his arm for reassurance before watching him take off back down the hallway to the elevator. She took a second to regain her attitude from a few moments before and proceeded to head to the door a few feet down.

Upon entering the boardroom, it was only the Secretary inside waiting for who knew how long. He stood at the wall windows, hands in his pockets simply looking out at the city skyline. As the door shut soundly behind her, the older gentlemen finally turned around to greet her.

"Mr. Secretary, my name is Agent Bex. I'll be helping you today." She shook his hand across the table, but she could tell he was almost surprised to see her.

"Didn't think I would be speaking with you today, Rebecca."

"Agent Bex. Please." She reminded him. She gestured to take a seat as she herself did across from him. "So what can I do for you today?"

"I thought I would be discussing things with Nick?" He took his seat, allowing his hands and arms to fold on the table, making it seem that he was much bigger than he was. Clearly trying to intimidate the young girl. Little did he know.

"Director Fury has an emergency to take care of at the moment. But not to worry I can assist you with whatever is needed today."

If you weren't looking close enough you would have missed the subtle smirk that was present under his moustache. But she saw it immediately. "So you've ranked all the way up to a Level 7 in the few short years you've been here. That's very impressive. Guess it helps to be a Stark."

Becca didn't make a sound, she just kept her eyes staring back into his own while clasping her own hands on the table. "What can I help you with today, Mr. Secretary?"

"We have learned that Captain America has been found and is alive."

"Yes, sir."

"I would like to speak to him."

"For what purpose?"

His head tilted to the side in surprise, clearly not expecting to have to go through hoops to get what he wanted. "Excuse me?"

"What do you need to speak with him? Perhaps I can answer the questions for you."

"Agent Bex, were you alive in 1945?"

"No."

"No. So you were not there when he crashed?"

"No."

"No, you weren't." His hands pressed onto the wooden table with force, very annoyed by her at the moment as she kept her cool. "So again I say. I need to speak with Captain America, because he has some questions that need to be answered."

And with the next words that left her mouth, she though his head might spin all the way around. "I'm sorry but, Captain Rogers is currently unavailable."

"Excuse me?"

"He is not owned by the government-"

"-he isn't controlled by SHIELD either."

"Exactly. Which is why I'm saying to you he is unavailable at the moment." She now placed a satisfied smirk on her face.

"A super soldier is out there right now, and conveniently you don't know where he is?"

"That is not what I said. Captain Rogers has served his time for the government, and has lost 66 years of his life. I'm pretty sure he deserves some time to adjust to his new life without a war being forced on him."

With that Ross fell back into his seat, his hand coming up to brush against his mustache. "You sure are a Stark."

"Thank you. Can I help you with anything else today?"

"What makes you think that just because I get a no from you, I wouldn't get a yes from someone else?"

"By all means, ask away. You can go ask Alexander Pierce back in Washington, but he will once again tell you to ask Director Fury, and we will once again be back in this same situation. You would get me every time. So again I ask, is there anything else I can help you with today?"

Anyone could tell he didn't want to give up but there was no way he would be winning in the current situation. Especially now that Becca knew that Steve was physically in the building. So, Secretary Ross shook his head and Becca walked him back out of the room.

"Do you wish for me to accompany you to the exit?"

"I can find it just fine, Agent Bex." His words echoing off the walls as he didn't even look at her as he took off down the hallway.

She stood there watching him with her arms crossed, before stopping one of the new agents in the hallways. "Please keep an eye on Secretary Ross as he leaves the building. If he doesn't go straight to the exit, get in a car and leave, you call me down immediately."

The young girl nodded her head, before turning on her heel back down the hall in the way she was told to go. It was barely noon on her watch and she was starved. Grabbing just a piece of toast of Eve after she got called in a few hours ago now. But she still had to handle Steve who was, finger's crossed, locked in her office.

All she wanted to do was grab Steve and the two to head to get lunch, then they would deal with his SHIELD involvement later. But she took her head off of everything for a second too long as another body blocked hers just a few steps from her office.

"What, no goodbye note?" Garrett asked, arms crossed as he stood in the middle of the hallway.

"I have work to do." She spoke softly. Becca was trying her hardest to get around him and not look up at him.

"Come on, Becca. What, you're not going to talk to me now either?"

"Excuse me." She managed to slip past him, but that didn't stop him from following her down the hallway.

"What that's it? Just a one night stand?"

She didn't say anything this time but could feel everyone's eyes on them.

"Becca!" Garrett's hand came around her elbow to spin her around. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"I'm busy right now." Becca tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her go.

"2 minutes."

"No."

"Becca-"

"-stop-"

"-please-"

"I don't want to talk to you right now!" She yelled finally looking up at him. Anger in her eyes. The words clenched in her teeth. "Let. Me. Go."

She couldn't tell if he finally did or she was able to rip her arm away. She turned around seeing the hallway silent as everyone was watching them, particularly Steve from the office doorway. The agent's head fell down to her chest as she rushed to her room, pushing past Steve. Her feet carried her to her desk, just staring down at the wood filled with papers.

Unbeknownst to her, Steve had given a dark look towards Garrett who was still standing in the hallway. The glare continued until the door was closed, locking the two in the office alone. When he turned back around all he found was her hunched over back. The only thing holding her up was her hands sturdy on her desk. He had never seen her like this before. Becca was always the one helping him out of this situation.

"Rebecca." He whispered taking easy steps towards her. He could hear her breathing coming out shakily, but almost to a steady beat. Like she knew she needed to calm down but couldn't fully get there. "Just take one deep breath."

"I swear I'm not usually this on edge." She tried to make a joke, always trying to make sure everyone else was okay before her. But that didn't mean her overall being was in the clear right now.

"I know, your the most stable person I know."

That at least got a chuckle out of her. Her fingers no longer trying to dig into the wood. "I'm the only person you know."

"It's true. You keep me on my feet most days." Steve's hand gently came to rest against her shoulder blades, feeling her body sort of deflate at the touch.

She was exhausted from barely any sleep the night before, the revolving door of emotions that had taken place today, and the constant guilt hanging over her head. The thought of staying in this building any longer was suffocating her.

"Can we get out of here?" She finally looked up at him, her eyes wet with emotions. "Please? I swear I'll talk to you about anything you came here for, I just...can't be in this building anymore."

All he could do was nod at the desperation she was showing him at the moment. The walls slowly being chipped away. He looked around and grabbed her bag and keys, pulling the strap over her shoulder to hold onto. Trying to take care of her the best he could, even if he had no idea what was going on. Steve's hand came up to rest again on her back to guide her out of the room and using her keys to lock her door, before the hand appeared again and the two booked it out of the building. Becca keeping her face emotionless to not give anyone any attention that would be unneeded.

Steve could feel the tension leave her shoulder blades as the two crossed the threshold into the outside world. The warm day laying over her that he decided that he could finally let his hand fall from her. He wasn't the best at comfort, never really had been up for it in the past, nor had the opportunity to do so for someone. So that was a big step for him, just the simple touch. He was truly beginning to deeply care for the girl, something he hadn't done in the past. This was a different kind of relationship that he never had.

She didn't ask him where they were going, simply just followed him through the streets. Allowing him to take over the role of leader for the day. And she was more than happy to release the reins.

"Do you have any twos?"

Becca rolled her eyes but handed over the 1 that she had. "You're just good at everything aren't you?"

"Not everything." Steve shrugged and played the card in his own hand.

"Well thanks for your modesty." Her foot kicked his leg under the table playfully where they say on the ground at the coffee table in his apartment.

After they left the office he took her to the diner that the duo had been frequenting more and more lately and then a walk around the park. He was learning quick that food and sunshine was an easy way to fix her mood. It wasn't long before that smile he was starting to become addicted to found its way back on her face.

"Can I grab a drink?" She asked, pulling herself off the floor before he even answered.

"Always." He nodded, watching her walk away with a swing to her body at the music she had put on early from her phone. "Can you grab me something as well?"

She had already grabbed two beers before he had time to ask. "Anything for you, Captain." She knew her phrase was heard loud and clear by the raised eyebrow she received when walking back towards him. "What?" She played off like she didn't know.

"You know. I thought we talked about this?" His head pulled up to look at her.

Becca shrugged, handing him his own bottle. "Thought I'd try it."

"And?" He popped his cap before taking hers to do the same.

"I'll stick to Steve." She took her seat back, taking sip from her drink. "It suits you."

"Glad you think so." He watched for a second taking another sip and picking her cards back up. "Can I ask you something?" Steve's fingers tracing the cards in his hands.

"Always." Becca smiled softly at him.

"Why do you never ask me questions?" He finally looked up at her face.

Becca's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You don't really ask questions about…my past." He scratched the top of his head, trying to put together his words.

She merely shrugged, putting her own cards down the table. "I've read your reports. I've read through the history of the missions you were on and all about the procedure you went through. But that was all Captain America." Her words softened his blues eyes with the way she was speaking to him. "When have you not been asked questions about yourself, whether that is present or in the past?"

"All the time."

"And were those questions usually regarding the persona of Captain America?"

Her question struck him. Not in an unsettling way, but made him think. It was true. Before the serum, his birth name held no esteem. "I guess you're right."

"I just wanted to find out who Steve Rogers was. To build a relationship. A friendship." She picked her cards back up and laid them out in her hand to try not to fall under the pressure that his bright eyes held whenever they fell her way. "At least, if that was something you wanted-"

"-It is." Steve cut her off with certainty, getting the dancer to jump a bit from his volume of his voice. "I mean, I do appreciate this friendship and everything you've done for me. And I just want to let you know, you can ask me anything."

"Good to know. Because I do have a question."

"Ask away." He motioned towards her.

"Do you have any 7′s?" Becca's game face back on after those revelations.

He laughed, looking over the cards still in his hand. "Go fish."

"Dammit, Rogers!" The two laughed, easiness falling back between them. "I can't believe I'm losing in 'Go Fish'."

The two only continued to play the game, getting away from that topic for the time being. Baby steps were better than anything. Maybe this could have been the time. After the hell day she had had before she found herself in his presence made her realize the relationship that had grown between them. Like she told Eve earlier, she was tired of lying. After the speech she just gave, he deserve to know she was a Stark. Just like eventually, when the time comes, to tell Eve what she really did for a living.

"Hey Steve, I do need to say something."

"Anything." He set his cards down to give her his full attention.

"I haven't been completely honest with you." She was trying her hardest to not get tongue tied in this very important moment. "I mean I have, I've just left out some details."

"Okay." Steve's voice was uneasy.

"It's just-" The sound of a text message rang through her phone, turning the music off for a split second. She looked at it quickly to see it was from Coulson, but that could wait for a second. "Sorry."

"It's okay." He saw her nerves coming to the forefront again. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, everything is okay. Will be okay-" Now her phone proceeded to ring, something she can't ignore. "Hold on a sec." She pulled herself up off the floor and answered the phone. "Hey, Coulson."

"Bex." His voice was steady but soft from the other end. "I'm calling you in."

"Now?" She leaned against Steve's island, looking at the clock on the wall. "It's 9pm and aren't you out west?"

"We're on our way back as we speak."

"We're? What's going on?"

"Just get to the office, we'll talk when I get there."

This wasn't normal. Something wasn't right. "Coulson, just tell me what to prepare for. Something."

The line was dead silent on the other side for a few moments, making them feel even longer in Becca's mind. But as the tired sigh came through, she never would have guessed what he was about to say to her. The next words making her stomach fall out.

"Barton has been compromised."

This is the moment in the movie when you would hear The Avengers Theme start to play, and you want vomit!

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