Chapter 3

For days I grilled my parents about everything they knew about Laura's time at S.H.I.E.L.D. I wanted to know every little detail they could think off. It was as if I thought that the more information I had, the better I would be able to process. But it didn't help, not one bit.
It didn't help any of us. My parents just had to relive it all, it broke their hearts all over again. Realizing my questioning was hurting them, I decided to leave them alone. Literally.
I asked them to go home and stayed alone at my apartment.
No one contacted me. They all honored my desire to be left alone.
And it didn't help.
I had nothing to do with my time.
Two weeks of being left alone and I felt like I was going crazy.
So I wound up driving back to the facility, for a meeting with Mr. Stark. I deliberately went on a Sunday evening. Mr. Stark didn't keep to office hours and I knew the people I didn't want to see would be on a different floor of the building. My hope was that I wouldn't run into anyone.
I expected to be sent to Mr. Stark's office, but I was brought to a basement instead. There were a lot of Iron Man suits lying around and Mr. Stark and Mr. Rhodes were discussing the functionality of an arm piece.
"I can come back," I offered, already retreating.
"Ms. Rawlin, come on in!" Mr. Stark stayed where he was but Mr. Rhodes came over to shake my hand, "I just like to keep my mind busy."
"I know the feeling Mr. Stark," I smiled.
He pulled on a wire in the arm piece, adjusting it.
"What can I do for you?"
"I need to work," I bluntly stated, "I need to keep my mind busy, I'd like to come work in your lab, if you'll have me." I was asking for a job at another location, I didn't want to come here everyday, afraid I might be running into someone I wouldn't want to see, I wanted to keep my distance still for now.
"I've read your file and I've seen what you can do. You're too valuable to be hidden in the labs," he told me.
"Mr. Stark," I started hesitantly. He looked up, encouraged me to continue, "I can't go back to the work I did. I can't be in contact. . ."
"I'd like to have you on my research team," he interjected, "It's a completely different job from what you've been doing, but I have all the faith in the world that you're more than capable. Most of the team left to go train elsewhere for the time being, so the job you did have is redundant at the moment anyway. I like to come in from time to time to brainstorm with the research team, so you'll be working directly with me some days. What do you think?"
I wasn't quite sure what to think. I had come here to be content with a simple job, just to keep me busy. Instead he was offering me one of the top jobs in the facility. And whilst offering me the position he made it clear that ''the team'' was gone, I wouldn't be confronted with anyone I didn't want to be confronted with in the near future.
"Ms Rawlin?"
Both men were looking at me expectantly, waiting for my answer.
"I think I would love that, Mr. Stark."

Mr. Stark showed me to my new working area himself. The research team was located at the top floor of the facility and everyone who worked here had their own rooms. A simple living room, kitchen, bathroom & bedroom. Mr. Stark explained that that was because sometimes they'd work overnight whenever an idea was just too good to hit the pause button on it. He showed me my rooms and then took me into an office full of people. There were a lot of desks with laptops & laboratory equipment. People scattered throughout the room, working in groups or alone.
Mr. Stark opened the door and announced my name and profession to the whole group, allowing a minute or two for introductions.
Then he took me to Dr. Banner and introduced us, stating that since I was in the medical field, I'd probably be working with Dr. Banner a lot.
"Everything on this floor is secure, all of the information on the computers stay in these rooms, the servers are on this floor as well. You're going to have to sign a confidentiality agreement."
He paused and I nodded my agreement.
"We like to have an open environment to work in, so you can read up on everything, look into any project you'd like to. Don't be shy about throwing ideas into the mix, that's why you're here. Any questions?"
I was still a bit overwhelmed by the idea of this job, I slowly shook my head.
"Take your time to catch up on projects, read the files, you're invited to jump in any time."
He backed away, but I couldn't let him go without asking.
"Mr. Stark, I have to ask."
"Yes?"
The only near us was Dr. Banner and he was busy typing on his laptop. I dared asking, cause I really had to.
"Am I getting this job because of Bucky?" I had paused for half a second before saying Bucky. I had been the only one to call him James, but now I couldn't even think of him as James. I had to distance myself and ironically enough, the nickname that his friends had for him did the trick.
"Because of Barnes? Absolutely not."
If I hadn't had to make sure, I would've regretted asking the question.
"Bruce has mentioned two times already that he wants to add another doctor to the team."
Dr. Banner looked up and nodded.
"There's only one other doctor here, apart from him, we need more people from the medical field. But, don't let that stop you from participating in other projects too."
"I'm sorry," I offered.
He waved me off and left the office.

Within weeks, I was working directly with Dr. Banner, who insisted I called him Bruce.
We were mainly focusing on a new arm for Bucky. Wakanda had made him a perfect arm, I'd read all about it, it was strong and perfect for fighting. But we were trying to built him an arm that would be functional for every day life, an arm that would actually be able to feel. Even though I wasn't trained in the technical field, I understood and was blown away by the technology used.
By now, I had moved into my rooms at the facility. Mr. Stark was right, the hours were crazy, we would work very late almost every day. But it didn't tire me out one bit, the work was exciting.
And then one evening, they returned. Bruce and I were working as cars rolled up the driveway. Clint, Natasha, Steve, Bucky, they were all there.
Would he come to see me? Would he even know that I was working here?
I got distracted and clumsy, tipping over a tray of instruments. As I gathered my instruments, Bruce seemed to casually start speaking.
"You know," he adjusted a wire, "You asked Tony if he gave you this job because of Barnes."
"Yes," I replied, picking up instruments, "He said that wasn't the case."
"I know. And I'm quite sure that's true. Tony doesn't particularly like Barnes."
"Why is that?" I asked as I put back the tray on the table. Bruce didn't look at me, but continued his work on the arm.
"The Winter Soldier killed Tony's parents. Barnes and Howard Stark knew each other in the war, I think they were friends. And then when Barnes was the Winter Soldier, he was ordered to kill both of Tony's parents."
Bruce had the wire in place and now looked up at me, setting his glasses right.
"You know that I turn into the Hulk?"
This seemed a rhetorical question, I just gave a quick nod.
"When I'm the Hulk, I'm not in control, the Hulk is. And I've regretted what the Hulk has done many times."
He turned back his attention to the arm.
"Do you think this wire will be strong enough?"
I went over to him to see, but I couldn't focus any longer. I excused myself and went to my rooms.

I tried watching TV, I took a shower, I made myself some dinner, but only ate a few bites. I was restless and I couldn't focus. It was a few minutes past midnight, but I needed to get outside, get some fresh air. I left my room, not really having a plan other than going outside. I debated going out to the roof of the building, but I wanted to be in nature, so I opted for going downstairs.
And promptly ran into Steve.
"Cassie."
"He – Hey," I stammered.
"Tony just told me that you joined the research team. I was just coming to the lab to see if you were still up."
"I'd love to catch up with you in the morning," I told him, "Right now, I was just going to get some fresh air."
"This late?" he looked as if he didn't approve of me going outside.
"Let me join you," he offered.
"That's okay," I stepped away, he was still my friend and I didn't want to be too blunt, but I really didn't want him to join me either, "I won't stay out long, after all, I need my beauty sleep," I joked, leaving him as I quickly went down the stairs.

It was a relief to be in the cold air. Fall had set in and the light from the building shone on the leafless trees. Combined with the moonlight it made for a beautiful sight. I sat down on a bench with a deep sigh. I had no idea what I wanted. Did I want to stay now that Bucky was back? Or did I want to leave my work? Could I handle seeing him? Being around him? The glimpse I had gotten of him when he arrived this evening had already imbalanced me.
A movement to my left startled me and I almost screamed as I quickly shot up to my feet.
One fluid movement and Bucky was standing next to me, holding out his hands, but not touching, ready to steady me if needed.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, "I was out for a walk, I didn't mean to scare you."
The thought came to me that Steve had wanted to go with me because he knew that Bucky was out here, not because he didn't want me to be alone outside.
The two of us had been at this bench before.
I looked up into Bucky's eyes and stretched out, taking his hand.
"I know who you are."
The look of uncertainty he had had in his eyes got replaced with a look of confusion.
"I know who you are," I repeated.
All of the questions I had just been thinking about were answered as soon as I saw him.
"I told you that I was okay with who you used to be, with what you did. I told you that I was with you, the person who you are now. And then when it was my sister, I couldn't deal with it. How hypocritical," Bucky shook his head, but I didn't let him get a word in, "I could see it. I don't even know what happened, or how, or where, but I could see you killing my sister. And that was too much. But it wasn't you. You didn't do that. And I know that. Of course I knew it all this time, I just needed time. I needed time to process, I needed time away from you. I needed to mourn her loss all over again."
I felt like I was just rambling by now. But I wasn't confused, I felt confident, I felt certain.
Bucky squeezed my hand.
"It's okay."
"It's not," I disagreed.
"Yes – "
The poor guy wasn't going to get a sentence in tonight, I cut through him again.
"No," I said fiercely, "It's not. It's not okay. I know who you are."
I looked into his eyes, added my hand to the other one that was already holding his.
"I know who you are," I whispered. Tears had filled my eyes and I could barely even see him anymore.
"And I love you, James."