The Nolde, or There and Back Again

by BarbaraKaterina

This is the story of Artanis Nerwen, later known as Galadriel. The story of how she left, and how she came back, and all that happened in between. (Nolde - a female Noldo) / Do you realize, Lord Laurefindil, that of all the people present in Middle-Earth now, I have known you the longest?

42. Choices

AN: Sorry for disappearing without a warning, I had two conferences immediately followed by vacation and I thought I'd be able to post during that, but that was foolishly optimistic of me. I'll try to make the three missed updates up to you, but there's no telling when, since I'm now in the "post-holiday stress" phase.

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Chapter 42: Choices

Year 340 of the Second Age, Caras Aear

Galadriel was walking with Elrond in the gardens by the beach when they came across Oreth and Celeborn sitting in one of the alcoves.

"Good afternoon, my love," Celeborn said. "Will you join us?"

She smiled and shook her head. "I will not disturb," he said, and with a simple nod of goodbye, she and Elrond continued on their way.

"The poor queen," her nephew said, "is terrified of you."

"I think anyone would be hard pressed to terrify our Queen," Galadriel returned.

"That is true enough, but you still manage. Then again, you are the most terrifying thing left in Middle-Earth."

"Do not forget Lord Laurefindil."

"Well, it is a little hard for me to be terrified of him, is it not, when his fierceness is in my service? But he might strike fear in many hearts, I grant you that. Not as much as you, though."

Galadriel shook her head. "You know well the Queen is not cowed by my authority, or not excessively so, at least."

"No. That is not the reason she is terrified of you."

Galadriel, unfortunately, knew what he meant. "She has been the Queen for ninety years," she said. "I would have thought that would be enough to cure it, if the preceding century and half did not."

"Have you spoken to her?"

"I have tried to, many times, but she is a mistress of brushing me off and I am sure you know why I do not wish to force the conversation overmuch."

"And Celeborn?"

"He has told her her fear is unfounded many times. It is yet to work."

They turned a bend in the road and Elrond said: "Perhaps today is the day. She is coming to us."

And indeed she was. "Lady Galadriel," she said, on the surface as impenetrably calm as ever. "May I speak with you?"

"Of course." Galadriel nodded to Elrond, who disappeared on a different path, and asked: "Shall we walk?"

They did. There was a very long silence until finally, Oreth said: "You wouldn't have disturbed us by your presence."

"Of course I would have," Galadriel returned. "I don't wish for Celeborn to be present during my private talks with your husband or Elrond either. That is the point of close friendships, after all, that the friends share time in private."

"You speak of friends, and yet Rodnor and Elrond are both more like family to you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they're like sons to me. And Celeborn is my husband, and you're Rodnor's wife. Doesn't that make you family as well?"

"Celeborn didn't meet me until I was eighty."

"Do you believe he loves you any less for it?"

Oreth stayed silent, and Galadriel answered her own question: "You believe I do."

"I spend a lot of time with your husband. I've heard the talk it gives raise to. I'm certain you must have as well."

"Yes, and I'm equally certain my husband told you I don't care in the slightest." She paused: "Has he ever told you what kind of talk there used to be about me?"

"I don't believe so."

"Some of his relations insisted that I didn't save his nephews in Doriath, even though I could have, because I desired the Silmarils. He paid that talk no mind, and there is no reason to pay this talk any more."

Oreth frowned. "I never thought you'd believe the talk," she explained. "I mean, he is your husband. You can see his mind. But...I believe you'd have a reason to be upset that such talk exists."

"Oh, I am," Galadriel replied, a hint of anger sounding in her tone. "Not with you or Celeborn, though, with those who are spreading it. But I've seen malicious gossip take root in the Blessed Lands. I can hardly be surprised that it does so in Middle-Earth as well."

"Yet if I didn't spend as much time with Celeborn, it would cease."

"And you and him would both lose one you love, the value of which can't be overstated. Why would I demand such a choice?"

There was another long silence as they walked. "I...misjudged you, my lady. I'm sorry," Oreth said at length.

"If something, be sorry you didn't trust Celeborn when he told you so. He loves you, and he would not lie to you."

Oreth only nodded. "Sarnel's been asking for you," she said then. "She's excited about King Elros' upcoming visit, and wants to hear all you can tell her about him."

"Then I'll go to her without delay, and you can find my husband and tell him that this foolish business has been laid to rest."

"Yes, my lady," Oreth replied, and though she tried to make her voice as level as usual, there was a small trace of sheepishness to be heard there.

Unsurprisingly, Galadriel found Elrond already in the princesses' quarters, in the middle of what was apparently a long conversation with Princess Maewel. "The Second Children see the world differently," he was saying at the moment.

"I know that," she replied, "but he is your brother. Twin, even. How can he see the world differently from you?"

Galadriel sighed. Maewel was usually a wise young lady, but in her quest for knowledge, she sometimes forgot her empathy. "I have heard your sister has been asking for me," she interrupted the conversation.

"Yes, without a pause," Maewel confirmed. "She is in her room."

Those words proved to be untrue, however, for the younger princess had apparently heard Galadriel's voice and ran out into the shared antechamber to greet her. "Aunt!" She called. "Is it true that King Elros rules a faraway land where everything is beautiful?"

"Númenórë is not that very far, beloved, though it is indeed an exceptionally blessed land."

"Is it more beautiful than my father's kingdom?"

Children and their tricky questions. "I believe most rulers consider their own realm the most beautiful," she replied.

"But what do you think?" Sarnel insisted.

Galadriel sighed, and doing her best to push her pain about this away, replied: "There are parts of Númenórë that are beautiful beyond anything in these lands, but I like Lindon better in some ways, for it is connected to Middle-Earth, while the realm Elros rules is out in the sea, on an island."

"Will I ever see it?"

"When you are older, I can take you with me," Galadriel conceded.

"Why only when I am older?"

"Because journeying on the sea is not for children."

"And when will I be old enough to go?"

At this point, Maewel, who was still trying to hold a serious discussion with Elrond, gave her sister a tired look. "I believe," Galadriel said, smiling, "that we should continue this conversation outside, before your sister's exasperation overcomes her normally calm nature. Come, there is a particularly beautiful rose bloom to be seen in the garden."

"I do not want to see a rose bloom," Sarnel stated unequivocally. "I want to see King Elros!"

Inside the room, her sister closed her eyes and shook her head.

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When the long-expected party finally arrived, the princesses were not present, of course. They waited in the capital with their parents, while Galadriel, Celeborn and Elrond rode to Grey Havens to welcome them.

The royal delegation was numerous this time, more numerous than it has ever been before. Elros disembarked and embraced all of his loved ones warmly, but behind him, there were others.

Vardamir walked out next, noble and self-possessed, and bowed slightly to Celeborn and Galadriel. "Allow me to introduce my son," he said then, to Celeborn who had not met him yet, "Prince Amandil."

The prince - younger, but equally noble-looking - stepped out from behind his father and made a deeper bow. "I'm very pleased to meet you, my lord," he said in a strongly accented Sindarin. "I've heard much about you."

"I hope I won't disappoint, then," Celeborn said with a smile. "I'm pleased to meet you as well."

Vardamir, meanwhile, stepped to the side to greet Elrond. "Uncle," he said, "I am very glad you came here to welcome us. There are matters I have been most eager to discuss with you."

Elros laughed. "And we shall not see you for the rest of the visit," he said. "Go, go, discuss what you want. I will take care of the rest of the introductions." He gestured to his side, to the others who have left the ship. "This is my daughter, Princess Tindómiel. Prince Atancalar you know already, of course. Prince Manwendil stayed behind to take care of the kingdom. And this is Princess Vardilmë, Vardamir's daughter."

There were polite bows of greeting, and then Galadriel said: "I am surprised you did not leave Amandil behind to rule."

"Ah, but that would go against the purpose of this visit," he said with a smile. "You see, Amandil will be getting married soon. We came to invite you to the wedding."

She smirked, and as they set out towards Lord Ciryatan's house, she asked quietly: "And is this bride to your liking?"

"Well, there was not so much at stake this time," he defended himself. "Ad you know I admit my mistake in case of Ailinel. They are very happy with Vardamir."

Galadriel nodded, and smiled. "Any other news from your realm?"

"Not much." He shrugged. "I could bore you with endless details, but I know very well that only two years have passed since your last visit to Númenórë, almost no time by your count."

"But it is not my perception I ask about, it is yours. Does not time pass more quickly for you?"

"Compared to you, yes, though more slowly than it does for my people. But do you truly wish to hear about new roads built and new aristocratic marriages?"

"I wish to hear what is important to you," she replied, a little chiding, "whatever it is."

He smiled. "Forgive me," he said. "Sometimes it is difficult to flow between the two worlds I consider myself part of, my past and my present."

"Do you regard us as only your past, then?"

His smile turned into a thoughtful frown. "You are more like a secret, hidden part of me. I live with my people and share their griefs and joys, but there is this whole another aspect to my life, one they cannot share, however much they might wish to. Even Vardamir, who has such close friendship with my brother and who, I believe, regards him almost as much as a father as he does me...not even he can truly understand and be part of this world. I know it pains him sometimes, too, and I wonder if I had not raised my first son too much in the elven spirit, in spite of my best efforts."

"You are who you are, Elros, you cannot change that."

He sighed. "Vardamir considers passing the crown directly to Amandil after my death," he said. "He does not wish to rule."

"I hope you do not believe that is an elven influence," Galadriel replied, chuckling a little in spite of the serious topic.

He smiled in response. "How could I, when it was you who raised me?"

They grew serious. "Do you not trust Amandil to be a good king?" She asked.

"I...am not certain. You know my doubts about Vardamir, doubts he himself clearly shares. He says he is not decisive enough to be a king, and I agree. But...with four children and ruling a kingdom, I did not have as much time for my grandchildren as I wish I had. In some ways, I believe Amandil is better suited than Vardamir, but I simply do not know him enough."

Galadriel hesitated. "I know I ask you this almost every time we meet, but do you plan to leave this world soon?"

"Not quite yet, though the day is approaching. Adanel, especially, finds the burdens of the world very hard to bear now, and even I am getting impatient with them. But there are several decades before us still."

Galadriel tried to ignore the pain she felt at that pronouncement for the moment. "Then use the time you have left, and get to know your grandson properly. It may calm your mind when your time comes." She paused. "Will Adanel bear to stay with you in the world long enough for this?"

"She still does not feel the call of death directly. I truly believe you were right, and that we will be granted the possibility of dying together. The Valar are merciful."

"Yes," Galadriel muttered, "I suppose they can be."

It was only later, when she was alone with Celeborn in their bedroom, that she allowed herself to fully realize what Elros had said. That in a few decades, he would be dead.

Forever gone.

She would not see him or speak to him again until the end of the world.

It was impossible to contemplate, and in this moment, Galadriel desperately thought of her brother. How could Ingoldo ever manage? How could he be so friendly with the Second-born when he knew they would die so very, very soon? How could he even form friendships when…?

It simply hurt too much. She knew Elros from a baby, and raised him from a child, and the notion that he would pass beyond her reach and she would remain, year after year, missing him…

And then, of course, there was the knowledge of what would happen to Elrond after his brother died.

She had dreaded this before, but now that she contemplated the possibility in detail, there was only one thing on her mind, and so she turned to the Valar, even though she knew she gave up any right to further prayers when she had prayed for Itarillë and even though she was bitter against them these days. Still, she prayed: do not let him fade.

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They spent two days in Grey Havens with Lord Ciryatan and Arminas. Galadriel, though not wishing to pry, could not quite help the questioning eyebrow she directed at Arminas when she first saw him by Lord Ciryatan's side, and the frown the felt on her face at his discreet shake of the head.

She found an opportunity to speak to him privately later, and get more details. "Most of the Havens know, by now, that we wish to marry," he said, "but Ciryatan is still hesitating. Sometimes I feel as if I am doing the wrong thing, for pushing him into this. He very afraid, in many ways."

"You would truly be wrong if you pushed him," Galadriel agreed, "but it is not wrong to help him do something he himself wishes to do, to help him overcome fear...as long as you are patient about it."

Arminas nodded, considering.

Tindómiel employed him as her guide in the lands around the havens for the two days they stayed, and on this occasion, Galadriel discovered that it was actually him who was responsible for organizing the scouts who mapped the area to the east of Lindon.

"It is good to know," she told Lord Ciryatan, "I will consult with him about looking for a place for my realm."

"He'll be happy to help," Lord Ciryatan agreed. "And in return, I have something to ask as well – do you think you could bring Celebrimbor with you when next you come, or send him with Amonel? There are some improvements we're making to the harbour and we'd like to consult him."

Galadriel's face became carefully neutral. "I'll communicate the message," she said.

Lord Ciryatan frowned. "Has there been a quarrel?" He asked.

"Not a quarrel, exactly," Galadriel replied, "but I have discovered that he has some thoughts and feelings regarding his mother that...are an affront, to me. He refuses to recognize the wrongness of it. Ever since we first discussed it, our relationship remains a little strained. We do talk, but it is simply markedly less cordial than it used to be."

"Is it something I could help with?"

Galadriel shook her head. "The information about Midhel this concerns is private." she said, "and without sharing it with you, I can't make you understand the problem."

"Then I'll simply pray for full reconciliation," he said. "Strife is never good."

"No," Galadriel agreed, "but neither is blatant disrespect to a parent."

Tindómiel returned in the evening of that day, and the next, they all travelled to Caras Aear. Galadriel used the journey to talk to the princess, since she had not had the chance until then, what with her being away with Arminas. "Did your brother volunteer to stay in Númenórë this time?" She asked.

"Not exactly," Tindómiel returned. "I told him I wanted to go, and that my visit was long overdue, and that surely he did not want me to die before I could set my eyes on Middle-Earth, and, well, in the end he just gave up."

Galadriel laughed. "And what to you think of these lands so far?"

"Well, I have not seen much, have I? I hope to travel across Lindon at least, after some time in the capital. I simply want to take as much out of this visit as I can. My eldest brother constantly talks about your libraries, too, so I would like to be able to see that as well."

"I am not certain that, between the two of them, Vardamir and Elrond had not transcribed all of our works and not transferred them to Númenórë. At least the most interesting ones."

"Very possible, I suppose. Still, the library of Caras Aear has gained a legendary status in my mind, and I wish to see it with my own eyes."

"It is impressive," Galadriel admitted, "but be careful of our librarian. He bites sometimes."

She laughed. "Yes, I have heard. They say the only one who can really control Erestor when he is in a mood is Quendingoldo."

"Hmm, yes, but that is only because Erestor wants him to keep writing, so he cannot afford to antagonize him. He is kind to Elrond and Artanáro as well too, usually, because he knows that the library only exists by their leave," Galadriel replied in equally good humour. She was exaggerating, of course – Erestor and Artanáro were good friends, and a close bond connected him with Elrond now, too, from what she knew.

"And to you?" Tindómiel asked mischievously.

"I would not exactly call it kind," Galadriel said with a smile, "but we have managed to come to an understanding."

They reached the city, and after the official welcome the party broke up to find their rooms and get refreshed before the feast. Galadriel next talked to Tindómiel only a day later, when she found her in company of the Lindon princesses, who seemed to be pestering her with questions. "Girls," Galadriel said sternly. "Is this any way to treat a guest?"

"She does not mind, do you?" Sarnel said insistently.

Tindómiel laughed. "No," she said, "but I was looking for the library when you assaulted me, and I would still like to find it."

"The library?" Sarnel made a face. "Why a library, libraries are boring."

Maewel gave her an exasperated look. "To you, maybe," she said. "But I would be glad to accompany you there, my lady," she added to Tindómiel.

"No, I'll go to, I'll go!" Sarnel insisted.

Galadriel joined the group, feeling that she should protect the poor Númenorean princess from the terror that were both of Artanáro's daughters together. They reached the library amidst constant chatter, and opened the door to find Erestor and Quendingoldo in earnest discussion.

They fell silent when they saw who entered their sanctuary, and both bowed. "We did not wish to interrupt you," Galadriel said. "By all means, continue your argument."

"It was not an argument, my lady," Quendingoldo replied, dignified as always, "we were merely exchanging scholarly opinion."

"On what, if I may ask?" Tindómiel said. "I am very interested."

"Then I believe introductions are in order," Galadriel interceded, and arranged them.

Tindómiel was impressed. "Erestor and Quendingoldo," she said. "I have wished to meet both of you for a long time."

"It is an honour for us, my lady," Quendingoldo returned.

"Will you tell us what was your discussion about, then?"

"Oh, there is this interesting feature of some Sindarin dialects that have been influenced by Quenya-"

The door opened in that moment, and Lord Laurefindil entered, sweeping the room with his eyes. "There you are!" He said when he spied Sarnel. "I have been looking for you everywhere. I thought it almost impossible you would be in the library of all places, but well, I have looked every other place more likely, so..."

"It is scarcely less improbable to see you in the library, my lord," Erestor observed in his usual sardonic manner.

Lord Laurefindil only smiled. "When you remember it all, you have no need of libraries," he said good-humouredly, and Erestor seemed a little taken aback at the response.

"Well?" Lord Laurenfindil insisted, to Sarnel. "Have you decided to give up training?"

Sarnel looked at Tindómiel a little dubiously. "Will you be talking about...what as the word? Dee-lects?"

Tindómiel gave Quendingoldo a short look. "We will," she said firmly.

"Well then," Sarnel declared, turning to Lord Laurefindil and taking his hand, "let us train!"

Galadriel left with them, taking Maewel too. She had never known that Tindómiel was interested in linguistics, but it was true that she had never asked.

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The mystery of Tindómiel's sudden interest was discovered mere few days later, when Tindómiel knocked at Galadriel's door late one evening, not seeming quite herself.

"I am sorry to disturb you," she said.

"It is of no matter. Come in. Has something happened?"

Tindómiel smiled a little shakily. "You could say that, yes. I...fear that I might have fallen in love."

Galadriel took in the fear in her eyes and immediately understood. "With an elf," she said.

"Yes. With Quendingoldo."

Galadriel slowly exhaled.

"What shall I do?" The princess cried. "I have never even considered...this is the first time I am among elves, I only really know Uncle Elrond and you, Númenórë was always my home, I never thought about leaving it! But now I cannot...I cannot even think about not being with him, it hurts too much."

"Have you spoken about this?" Galadriel asked, motioning to a chair.

Tindómiel collapsed into it. "Not...not directly, no, but I believe we both know, only he wishes to avoid the topic. We spent the last several days in almost constant conversation, I feel like everyone in the entire city must know, and yet we never talk about anything but academics!"

Galadriel understood why that would be so. Tindómiel's family was mortal, and she was a princess, while Quendingoldo, though a notable scholar, was of common origin. He had reasons to be afraid, and those reasons could obscure the Flame from him, which was another complication.

"What do you wish to do, then?" She asked.

"What can I do?" Tindómiel returned. "There is not really any choice, is there?" She added bitterly. "I know that those who fall in love with an elf get to feel the Flame as well. I would have been free from it otherwise, but now, how could I reject it?"

"You do not have to marry him," Galadriel pointed out.

"Yes, and suffer through the rest of my days in longing! Even if I choose the mortal fate – which I have always intended to do, until now – I have no wish to die soon! Yet what joy would I have left in this world if I lived without him? What joy did Andreth have left, in her days without your brother? Oh, tis a curse!"

"It is also a blessing," Galadriel said softly.

"What would you know about that? You only ever reaped the benefits!"

"Do not speak about things you do not understand," the Nolde said in a sharp tone. "I had to abandon my family and my dreams for Celeborn, and live in a realm where I was despised by many and where I could not even speak my mother tongue. Yes, my sacrifice was not as great as yours might be, but I paid for this as well."

Tindómiel exhaled, tilting her head back to lean it on the wall. "Forgive me, Aunt. It is only that...I have felt lonely, at times, during my centuries, but I mostly came to peace with the idea that I would live in my brother's family and help Amandil with governing the kingdom one day. And now...everything is changed, and I had no choice in it, and I..."

"I know," Galadriel said, softly again, and pressed her hands. "I know."

After a moment, a little more calm, Tindómiel continued. "I do not think I have much in common with elves either. How could I live with you, how could I become one of you? Uncle Elrond is entirely a foreign creature to me – even Qunedingoldo is, in spite of what I feel for him – and even you, Aunt, are so very strange and different from what I know, in spite of all the ways in which I feel you understand me...how could this be the life for me?"

"You said yourself that you only truly know two elves," Galadriel pointed out. "There are some I have known who were certainly more like you than either me or Elrond – or Quendingoldo." She smiled sadly. "My cousin Irissë, in some ways. Lord Laurefindil, in others. And perhaps most of all, Findekáno, my closest friend."

"King Findekáno? High King of the Noldor in Middle-Earth?" Tindómiel asked in astonishment.

Galadriel smiled at that. "Yes," she said, "though I was thinking of the days long before he was king, in Aman, back when we thought our grandfather would rule forever and we would never leave those lands, before The Enemy put strife among us. I will tell you stories of him, if you want, and perhaps Amonel will, too, if it does not hurt her too much. And there are others you could meet today who are more like you. You saw Sarnel. Surely you do not feel she is so very different from you?"

Tindómiel laughed. "She is a child," she said. "I am sure she will grow into a very dignified creature."

"I doubt that very much. She, too, is reminiscent of Irissë in some ways, and while she was certainly fearsome, I do not know if I would call her dignified." Galadriel smiled. "Elves have different characters each, and while there are some differences from Men, mainly tying to the length of our life and the tight bond we have with the world, I do not believe you would be lost among us. Still, the choice is yours."

Tindómiel slowly nodded. "I know that," she said. "That is what terrifies me."