Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel; only Rebecca and the world surrounding her.
Hold Back The River - James Bay
Welcome to Lithe from the To Build A Home Series!
Thanks to Taylor Noelle Hood, MuffinHipsta, Rbenham2, bonitalito, Guest 1, Kadence1, Unahermosamentira, JaneDoe, Guest 2,
and everyone that reviewed, favorited, and subscribed to this story so far!
This is another emotional chapter, but from something that has been building for a long time.
We have 2 chapters left everything! And these next to chapters are going to be some of my favorite!
Also I'm very excited to announce that Book 2 of the To Build a Home Series will be called...Impulse! Once the final chapter is released you will be able to go right to that story to subscribe so that you are ready to go on this journey once again!
Hold Back The River
Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river so I can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river
Lonely water, lonely water,
Won't you let us wander?
Let us hold each other?
"10 Days! Not 5, not 3, 10 long days! And you have the audacity to just send one text! I swear to God I could tear your hair out right now." Eve paced back and forth, hands tight against her hips. "Hey, you wanna come over? That's the text you thought would be good in this situation?"
"Eve-"
"-No! I get to rant this time." The blonde pointed her finger at her best friend in the way a kindergarten teacher would to put a kid in time out. "The last time I talked to you, you came to my apartment crying and then just silence. For two whole weeks. AFTER A GODDAMN ALIEN ATTACK!"
Becca did as she was told. She sat on the middle cushion of her couch, hands braced on her knees, and mouth closed tight. She just let her counterpart yell and pace, just get all the built up emotions out. Frankly, she deserved it.
"I thought you were dead or hurt or who knows what! Like, what was I supposed to think?" Eve ran her fingers through her frazzled blonde hair. The girl had always kept it straight and neat, but between her hair, her clothing, and her attitude everything was disheveled. "And then I see your father's picture on the news and the possibility they're saying that you might have been one of the 'Avengers' whatever the hell those people are." She used the group name in air quotes with a roll of her eye. "Like that's insane right? Please tell me that's insane."
Eve had finally stopped pacing at the question, hands gesturing out in front of her as she stared down, expecting a yes in response. But Becca only pursed her lips, face turned down to her lap, as if saying in expression that it was true. The articles and news reports were correct, she was just not commenting about it to the public. But Eve could read that expression immediately and if there was anyone around they would have seen the tension in her face drop and her eyes widen.
"It's true? Holy shit...holy shit." Her body moved around the coffee table to gently sit next to her. The blonde's posture rigid trying to understand what was just revealed. "I...I don't even know."
Becca turned her body to look at her, hand coming to gently rest on her own. "I know it's a lot."
"No, this isn't just a lot this is...this is massive. Like...like-"
"Alien invasion massive?"
"Not funny!"
Becca sucked her lips in, trying not to chuckle at the weirdness of this conversation. She's been here before, having to tell someone her other life. But this was the last person she had to open up to. Everyone now knew her secrets, all the double lives she had been living. With Eve now knowing, it meant she had nothing left to fake. It was so much weight off of her shoulders.
"How long?" Eve regained her headspace, turning her own body to face her friend.
"The summer before junior year."
She nodded, playing out the last two years of their college years together in her head. All the times Becca would go radio silent for a few days, when she would have random bruises or cuts. Just the overall mystery of her life since graduating. Eve had played it off as dealing with her father who was Iron Man, saving the world. But now her best friend was also putting her own life in danger.
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, but I couldn't." Becca tried to explain.
"No, I understand...well I don't actually understand, but I think I can get it."
"I am still keeping my identity a secret though." The brunette explained, hoping that her best friend understood what she was trying to say.
And she did. "Your secret is safe with me, I promise."
Becca smiled. "I appreciate that." The sound of a knock on her door, had both of their heads jumping up. The sound of the outside world infiltrating the small cocoon they had created inside the small apartment.
Getting up to answer the door, the young Stark was not at all surprised to find the man on the other side. "Hey."
Steve smiled back at her own that she gave. "Hi." His eyes trailed from her to the other women sitting on the couch behind her. "How's it going?" The words a dull whisper.
"Better than expected." Becca walked away from the door to let him enter, allowing him to close it behind him. "Eve, you remember Steve right?"
Said girl nodded her head, looking over the tall man she hadn't seen in a long time. And that's when it clicked in her head. Eve was smart, no one giving her the credit she deserved. But as she looked over the tall man standing next to her best friend her jaw dropped.
Becca and Steve could both watch the understanding fall across her face at what they understood was her understanding of who he actually was. Captain America. The guy that she learned about in high school history who was lost in action. The persona they had now been talking about on the news that was fighting in the battle of New York. Which she now understood her own friend had also been involved in.
And what was Captain America's name again? Oh, that's right. Steve Rogers.
"Holy shit." The words once again leaving Eve's lips. "Just one question...you are him, right?"
Steve looked down at Becca for inclination of what to do, but all she gave him was a shrug. He cleared his throat, hands finding safety deep in his pockets, before looking back at Eve. "Yes."
Eve stood up at the revelation, her face pursed in thought. She looked back and forth between the two, more and more taking over her overly crowded mind right now. With a deep sigh, she walked towards the kitchen. "I need a goddamn drink."
Becca giggled, eyes following her body as it turned the corner. Steve watched as well, not knowing the girl well enough to understand exactly that she was okay with it, but taking Becca reaction as all clear.
"Not what I was expecting." He finally pulled the leather jacket from his shoulders and set it on the back of the dining room chair.
As she watched his actions, his hands took over her attention. His knuckles were a dull red, the kind that would come from punching for a long amount of time. She knew, because it would happen to hers only after a half hour. But with Steve and his stamina it had to have been hours on end of using the punching bag. It worried her.
They both had dealing with the battle to the best of their abilities. At first, Becca was crying every night as her dreams were plagued over and over again by the visions of the battle and more. Coulson always appearing before she would wake to a cold sweat, tears already in her eyes. But she would wake up in the morning and try again at a new days. Slowly stretching her wounded leg as it started to heal.
On the other hand, she didn't know when was the last time she knew Steve had a decent night's sleep. His eyes drawn in and she knew he was spending countless hours at the gym. It seemed to be when he wasn't with her he was there. He didn't let her see those dark emotions though that she knew was building him up inside, living in his body. He never let anyone see how he was feeling and she didn't know how to help him once again.
So she tried to give him more uplifting moments when they were together, letting his mind wander from the dread that sit inside.
"I have something for you." Her voice broke the apartment as they only heard Eve clattering in the kitchen for alcohol and a glass.
Steve's forehead creased in confusion. "What?"
"Come with me." She gestured her head and had him follow her into the bedroom. "Okay, don't overthink this."
He snorted. "Well now I'm intrigued." His eyes glanced around the room he had only been a few times while she shuffled through things on her desk. The difference this time was the pictures that had found their place on walls and her dresser that hadn't been there before. Photos with her father, Pepper, Rhodey and so forth. He had taken notice to several of them also placed in her living room. She truly did hid a portion of her life from him, but he was starting to understand where she was coming from with that.
They had been talking about her nonstop on the news along with the rest of them. But the big question everyone was asking was if she truly was the mysterious brunette who was fighting that battle. The rest of them, besides Tony was easily capable of blending in. Especially given that Thor went back to Asgard, Clint and Natasha ran off for some down time and Bruce had only been seen as The Hulk. For himself no one knew quite yet what Captain America looked like in this time period but he had a feeling it would pop up eventually. For now though he was more than happy at still playing a face in the crowd.
Becca however wasn't that lucky. She had to be extra cautious where she was going and for awhile there Happy was driving her everywhere she needed to go. But the day before Tony had taken everyone back to Malibu to head home, and the played it off that Becca had went with them. So she was in the clear. No one was expecting to see the young Stark in NYC anymore.
"So, I had to run out to grab some things the other day and this caught my eye." Becca held out the bundle to him.
Steve carefully took it, feeling the leather on his fingers. It was the size of a large book, but not much weight behind it. It was brown leather with a thick buckle on the front which he began to unhook. With the buckle undone, he was able to flip it open to see that it was more than a book. Inside was a sketchbook that you were able to take out and a set of pencils on the other side with a sharpener. It was a whole set and it made Steve gobsmacked.
"Becca...I don't even…"
"Like I said, it's not a big deal." She shrugged, happy though he wasn't telling her he couldn't take it. "I just saw it and thought of you. Maybe you can use this as some release instead of the gym all the time."
He didn't look at her with those words, but his jaw did tighten. He should have known she would be able to notice something was wrong. She was so intune with people's actions and emotions. He just wondered how long she had noticed.
"Thank you. Truly." His blue eyes finally found her hazel ones. The green battling the brown today in them.
"You're welcome. But there's something else in the pocket under the pencils."
He fingers dug inside feeling cold metal. He pulled out the object to see a key in his palm. "Key?"
"It's for here." She gestured out as if saying to her apartment. "Incase of anything, I thought you should have key."
Steve took a deep breath, the metal feeling extra heavy in his palm." Becca-"
"-Nope." She pointed at him. "What did I just tell you?"
"Don't overthink it."
"Exactly. I just want you to know that you are always welcome here. Whatever you need I'm here."
He nodded, giving it one last glance before putting it back in the pocket for closing back up the book. "Thank you."
She gave him a big smile, seeing his shoulder unhinge from the spot so commonly close to his ears. He was letting her in more and more.
"Sorry to interrupt, but you're out of wine." Eve leaned against the doorframe, glass of red in her hand.
"That was a full bottle." Becca looked at her shocked, but also not by the events of today.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I had an exhausting day. Now please move your asses so we can get go provisions!"
With another deep breath, she returned to en pointe, standing tall on the tip of her toes. She could feel the strain in her thigh, but it was finally a dull ache that was easy to work through. The music easing through her mind, allowing her body to move from muscle memory. Dancing through an older routine.
Becca heard the door close softly and movement in her peripheral vision but kept going, knowing who it was anyway. Not even using the mirrored wall to investigate. She just kept spinning, her body contorting and exaggerating. She felt good. The second she had put her ballet shoes on, the tension left her body and she could breath. An easy reminder of what she loved in life. What her motivation has been since she was a child.
As the last cords played out through the dance studio, Becca found her body in a curled position on the ground, hand above her head as she looked at the ceiling. The only sound that that could be heard was her slight heavy breathing echoing off the wood and glass. The brunette let her body out of position, eyes staring at herself in the mirror. Flushed cheeks and messy ponytail on top of a small body wearing a black singlet and active shorts. In that moment she looked like any other dancer. But she was so much more than that.
Her eyes finally looked in the corner of the mirror, finding Steve standing there. His stance was as usual; hands deep in his pocket with his shoulder rounded. Right now though, his face was soft, jaw slack which was much different than the usual grind. Those blue eyes seemed wishful almost. He had texted her a while ago to see what she was up to and she replied back with the address and room number of the dance studio she would stop by sometimes.
"Enjoy the show?" Becca smiled, eyes still watching him through the mirror.
"Beautiful." Steve's voice was soft, still transfixed on what he just witnessed. The raised eyebrow and cheeky smirk she was giving had him reeling back on what he just said. If it were 4 months ago he would have no doubt blushed and began trying to explain what he meant. But the comradery that had settled between the two was sarcastic and caring at the same time. And he knew that she understood what he truly meant, just trying to get a rise out of him. "You know what I mean."
She giggled, starting to unwrap her shoes. "Doesn't mean I don't enjoy trying to catch you off guard."
"You should do that more often."
"What? Catch you off guard?"
He snickered, shaking his head. "No, dancing. I've never seen something like that in person."
"Really?" She stood up to face him now on bare feet as she held her shoes in hand.
"Only in movies. Ballet at the time was for the more... sophisticated." Steve used his word wisely. Even though he was talking about a few decades ago didn't mean he was trying bash what she did now.
Becca nodded, dropping her shoes next to her bag. She had an understanding since she was taught the history while in school. To this day, people often thought of ballet as one note, and that was usually uptight. But there was so much more to it and it was fun to show someone that.
"Do those hurt?" He pointed down to the dropped shoes.
"It's definitely takes a few to get use to but it doesn't hurt. I'd take these over jazz shoes any day."
"You dance to jazz?" He replied, surprised.
"I can hold my own." Her hair bounced back and forth with her answer before taking a sip of her water. "You could probably teach me a thing or two."
"Doubt that. I know nothing."
Her eyes widened. "You never learned to dance? You toured around with women for a good year! How is that possible?"
Steve shrugged, keeping his hands deep in his pockets. "I don't know; it just never came up."
"Well, come on. I'll teach you." Becca gave him a big smile, gesturing him to come over to her.
He simply shook his head. Not budging. "Oh, come on, Steven." She slouched over to him, grabbing his forearms. "I promise to not cry when you step on my feet."
"Thanks, but no, I'm good." He grinned down at her, but she could tell it was pushed.
"Steeeeve!" She whined, using all her strength to try to move him. "This is something you definitely need to know how to do."
"Rebecca! Drop it!" His voice thundered over her, eyebrows forming together in anger. "I don't want to learn how to dance! Don't you get that?"
She shrunk away from him, her hands falling to her sides to keep her distance. She nodded her head, looking at the ground so she didn't have to stare at his usual soothing blue eyes. "I'm sorry. I went too far." Her voice was soft, trying not to get emotional over the man who just yelled at her. She thought it was something simple, but clearly it wasn't to Steve. "I shouldn't have pushed you."
As he watched her crumble in herself and Becca's normal lively face deflate, Steve realized what he had done. "Becca…Becca, I'm sorry. I didn't-"
"It's okay, Steve." She cut him off, putting her hands up in defense. "I crossed the line. I won't do it again." She attempted a glance up at his face but instantly felt worse as the rejected sight sitting there. "I'm gonna go get changed really quick. Then we can leave." She didn't wait for him to answer or stop when he called out to her again, just grabbed her bag and ran to the locker room.
He felt sick to his stomach. He just wanted the floor to swallow him whole, not wanting to be standing here anymore. Not deserving to be here anymore. He had been so good, so damn good, at hiding his internal problems from everyone. Letting them just build further up inside because that's what he has done his entire life. But now there's this girl. This wonderful, extraordinary girl who is warm and smiles for the sake of living. And just being around her slowly starts to break that cold interior. But if it keeps breaking, that means everything inside needs somewhere to go and he's so scared of all his problems bleeding on her.
It was getting easier, it truly was. He was feeling like just a normal guy even though he woke up some 60 years in the future. And then the battle happen. If that did anything it made him more cynical and the walls were now higher and thicker. It was getting harder to hide it. But as he watched her exit the locker room she returned with a small smile still on her face. Like he didn't just yell at her and turn her down. She still came to stand next to his side and offer anything he needed.
Steve needed to start to change or he was afraid he was going to lose her.
They were silent as the duo exited the building, the late afternoon sun warming over their skin and both of their overall demeanors. Becca followed Steve to his bike, wondering if she was going with him or this was where they went their own ways. She fully didn't know where his head space was after everything and wasn't trying to do anymore damage.
"Can I take you somewhere?" The soldier asked, looking down at her with a helmet perched in his hands and eyes hopeful. She didn't have to think twice before nodding, taking the helmet he was offering. He had gotten it the day after their first ride together, wanting to make sure she was safe whenever she rode with him.
The two cruised through the late day traffic, Becca resting against his back as Steve swerved back and forth across the road. She didn't question where he was taking them, just watched the route. Not long finding themselves in Lower Manhattan before turning to drive across the Brooklyn Bridge. He took a right turn off the bridge and started driving back towards the water. The two found a parking spot near the pier and used the walking bridge towards the Brooklyn Bridge Park.
They were still mostly quiet, Becca following Steve and watching their surroundings. Not long after the path turned into the pier and they were able to watch the waterline, such a different sight then the destruction that encompassed in the center of the city. After a few more yards they started walking up the steps of The Granite Prospect, finding a place at the top for the two of them to sit away from the rest of the people walking about. It was a beautiful sight of the water and the city, with the thin outline of the Statue of Liberty in the background.
"My last words before the plane crash were with Peggy." Steve spoke up, breaking the stiff silence between the two. "I knew I was going to have to take the plane down so we chatted normally like it wasn't going to happen. I don't know if it was more for myself or her. We set a date. The following Saturday. 8 o'clock at the Stork Club. She was going to teach me to dance."
Becca felt her mouth instantly dry up at the words. She wanted to kick herself. No wonder he was so defensive about the situation, who wouldn't have been. She shouldn't have pushed him, she should have stopped the first time he told her no. "Steve..I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pestered you about it."
"You didn't know." He leaned forward for his elbows to brace against his knees, hands knotted tightly in front of him. His eyes glanced over at her. She still had her backpack on and the helmet sat on her lap, hands gripping it tightly. Like she was ready to bolt at any given second. "I was so judgemental towards you keeping secrets, yet here I am not willing to even try to let you get closer. I have been holding you at arms length scared of letting someone in again."
Her lip was stuck between her teeth, not knowing if she should say anything or just let him talk. This was going to touch a place they hadn't tackled yet. "I understand where you're coming from with that."
"I know," He nodded, eyes looking back out over the water, "because you're different to me." Steve felt the knot in his throat, begging him to stop talk but he was ready. She deserved to know. "You notice things. And you don't comment. But I know you're paying attention and ready to catch me if I fall. And I know if I hadn't had met you back in February...I don't think I would still be here today."
The helmet left her lap and the backpack fell from her shoulder's now. Becca's full attention turned to him even if he wasn't ready to look at her yet.
"My mom knew my problems but I always tried to play it off even though I really couldn't with her. She was a nurse so she saw all my illness'. She did everything she could for me, but I still wanted to be strong for her even though I couldn't. I wish I could have given her the world because she deserved it.
"Bucky saw me as who I was. He didn't feel bad for me, or tried to use sympathy on me. I just was who I was and he let it be. He was the first person to treat me like anyone else. The jokes were easy and it let me feel normal even though I knew I wasn't. And I knew he knew as well, but it never felt like I was holding him back.
"And then Peggy saw me at both stages. But the physical appearance I guess didn't matter to her. She was strong on her own and took no one's crap. I have no doubt she kept that up probably still to this day. I guess she was the first person out of the small circle I kept to see underneath the anger I held in that skinny body."
His chest felt tight at all the memories and thoughts crashing together at once. Steve hadn't let himself think of everything at once like this since waking up because it was so much to handle. He only hoped saying them out loud would ease the pressure without having to overthink it. Becca however was holding her tears at bay, trying to stay strong like he said, for him. It broke her heart knowing all that he held within him even if she had an idea of it. But to hear him say the words out loud was a lot.
"All I wanted before this," he gestures to his body, "was to fight for the little guy. Everyone else was and there was no reason for me not to as well. And I was angry. Possibly at the cards that I was dealt but also because I didn't see myself finding a way to prove my worth. But I got my wish and sending that plane down meant the end. Everyone would be saved. Hydra was over. The war. It would be done once and for all. I was ready to die. Ready to see Bucky again. My mom."
Where he held calm, Becca had hot tears slowly running to her chin. It wasn't a full blown sob, just an emotional release at hearing him say he was ready to die.
Steve cleared his throat, wiping his sweat hands on his pants. Passerby's didn't glance at the scene and he was thankful for that. "And then a missile was sent to us during the battle. And all I can see is flashbacks to being in the plane. The whole reason I sent The Valkyrie was to stop it from destroying New York. Now I'm faced with it again but this time from our side. How am I supposed to move forward from that, trust these people?"
"You're not alone in that thought." The brunette spoke softly, finally letting someone other than Clint understand where she was sitting with the World Security Council as well. But she had never saw it from his perspective. Sure aliens were one nothing, but to have an almost deja vu of similar events after waking up from almost 70 years, that's a different story.
He looked over at her now, surprised to hear she had the same thoughts he did. He wanted to comment back but it seemed like it was all said through eyes. They were on the same side, just at different wavelengths. It was something they were going to be able to fight along together. Because they truly were better together than they were apart.
"I know with everything I can't help you wash away everything that has happen and I can never start to understand what you're going through." She carefully grabbed his hand, letting her palm press into his own. "But I'll never judge you for anything you're feeling or needing."
Steve nodded, watching how her tiny hand almost was consumed by his own. Not knowing where she began and he ended. A feeling of comfort he was still knew to. Holding hands period was something he never felt of the touch of skin on skin. Making his heart beat through his cold chest. "I know I put a lot of weight on your shoulders with my problems, ones that you don't even know about. And I know that anger still lives inside of me and I'm just trying to understand why I'm here still."
The words sat at the back of her tongue and there was no time than the present for them. "This might sound selfish but I'm glad you're here, right now, with me. Meeting you has changed my life more than I can possibly begin to tell you."
There was so much he had missed and there was so much he wasn't understanding of why everything happen. And he would always wish he could go back and finish a different story of his life. But being here right now with her, as she sat there allowing him to be the mess he truly was with no judgment, he might have found a small crack of where he could belong.
Up Next: Becca place in SHIELD is put to the test, also bring Steve into the New Age & birthdays!
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