So this chapter wound up being a bit longer then I had anticipated, mainly because, when I had almost finished writing it, a new info source came up. You'll hear more about that in the chapter.
I kinda borrowed the characterization of Kirby off of Brawl in the Family, and will probably do the same with Dedede. I have to make up funny characterizations for over 50 characters, so I think I'm allowed to borrow credited characterizations that do the best job of parodying the character in the same direction I probably would have taken it.
Also, the line breaks were weird in the site editor, so you'll have to deal with the manual lines.
Robin looked at the chair in front of him.
"...Are you sure you don't want a phone book or something?" Robin asked.
"Nope!" Kirby's perky voice exclaimed.
"I can't really see you." Robin commented. "You don't really pass the desk."
"Why's your desk so high anyway?" Kirby asked.
"I took it from home." Robin replied. "I like it. This desk's seen a lot."
"Ok!" Kirby exclaimed. "I get it. I don't need a book! I can't read!"
"...I don't think you understand why I was offering…" Robin mumbled. "Anyway, I don't own a phone book. No one does. I wanted to ask you about why you're such a monster."
"Like a Pokemon?" Kirby asked.
"No, I mean a horrible person." Robin clarified.
"You don't like me?" Kirby asked.
"On principle, no." Robin replied. "I'm don't really like people so don't take it personally."
"I'm not a person." Kirby said.
"...I'm not going to pass up this opportunity." Robin said. "What are you?"
"I'm Kirby!" Kirby exclaimed.
"Right...I should have expected that." Robin sighed. "Science can happen later. Maybe I can get a direct answer from Meta Knight."
"He's grouchy!" Kirby exclaimed.
"Let's not talk about your much cooler and formerly overpowered friend." Robin said. "Let's talk about the complaints we've been getting from Dreamland residents, and, since Master Hand doesn't have a PR department, I've been tasked with dealing with them."
"What's wrong back at home?" Kirby asked.
"Well, as you know, some of our home-worlds have ways for people to watch the tournament from home, including your world." Robin said. "As people watched your matches, they noticed how, when you suck someone up, you pop them back out and copy their ability."
"And?" Kirby asked.
"Hand told me that it wasn't one of the de-power things they do with some of the stronger smashers, which means that this is an ability you've always had." Robin said.
"Yeah. So?" Kirby asked.
"Kirby." Robin said. "Do you understand how many Dreamland residents you've consciously chosen to kill? Do you realize how much of a monstrous murderer that makes you?"
"What's the difference?" Kirby asked.
"What?" Robin asked.
"What's the difference between that and what people thought before?" Kirby asked. "When I saw eating people, people accepted it because they assumed I didn't have any other way. Now that they know I do, does it really make my past actions worse? They were accepted before due to the fact that it needed to be done. I wasn't just eating those people: They were encouraging me."
"..." Robin opened his mouth to respond, then closed it, leaning back in his chair and thinking.
"...Are you gonna eat that?" Kirby asked, pointing a stubby arm at a stapler.
"...I'm not getting paid to consider morality." Robin said, taking the small pile of complaints and burning them. "So what's it like, eating people?"
"People taste like you would expect." Kirby replied. "You taste like an old book."
"Weird." Robin said. Suddenly, there was a flash from the computer on his desk. "What the hell?" He looked looked at the screen. "'Kirby Death Battle Data?' I ordered this a while ago! I've been pulling this conversation out of my ass! This is the last time I outsource my research. Now I have actual stuff to talk to you about!"
"Neat!" Kirby exclaimed.
"...What the fuck?" Robin said. "Says here you're a star warrior infant."
"Yup!" Kirby exclaimed.
"You're a baby." Robin clarified.
"Yup!" Kirby exclaimed.
"...That's...what?" Robin said.
"I don't know why you're so hung up on this." Kirby said. "Mario has his baby self doing stuff with him all the time, and Rosalina attacks people with babies."
"Good point." Robin said. "Also says here that your stomach is literally an alternate dimension that stores everything you eat…"
"So I don't kill people!" Kirby exclaimed.
"No, you just imprison them in your alternate dimension for the rest of their lives." Robin said. "That's not exactly better."
"What does that have to do with the fights?" Kirby asked.
"Nothing directly." Robin replied. "I just feel a bit iffy having you fight in a pacified way here only to go home and be merciless."
"Didn't you lead an army?" Kirby asked.
"Yes." Robin replied.
"And you killed a lot of people?" He asked.
"Well, that comes with the job." Robin replied.
"That's the same with me!" Kirby exclaimed.
"...I really should look more into the politics of Dream Land." Robin reflected.
"Sounds like you're all done with me!" Kirby exclaimed.
"...I suppose." Robin replied. "But I'm bringing you back when I talk to Dedede! I want to get a better idea about your situation."
"Why?" Kirby asked.
"Curiosity." Robin replied. "I've become interested in studying some of the politics of the different worlds represented in the tournament, and a world with a mass murdering baby as a hero sound like something I'd want to read up about."
"I've been eating foods from different worlds!" Kirby exclaimed.
"I bet you have." Robin said, as Kirby left his office without a goodbye. "...I can't tell if he terrifies me or not."
So yeah. I like the way Kirby was portrayed in Brawl in the Family, as cheerful and morally ambiguous.
Check out Death Battle on Screw Attack. You won't be disappointed.
Up next: Fox!