I thought this chapter would be quick and easy to write.
All I'll say is I was wrong.
Creativity is weird.
"What's up, THROBin?!" Captain Falcon asked, leaning in to the tactician.
"Please don't call my that." Robin said, glaring at the racer.
"You're gonna have to tell the ladies to stop calling you that!" Falcon replied, saluting Robin.
"I'm married. You've met my wife. I have a daughter." Robin said, annoyed.
"Really?" Falcon asked, sounding curious. "I must have forgotten…"
Robin raised an eyebrow. "You really don't remember? We were all revealed in the same-"
"OH WAIT I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY DIIIIICK!" He exclaimed, violently thrusting in his chair.
Robin sighed and rubbed his forehead. "This is already my least favorite chapter."
"But seriously, Robbie, why'd you call me here?" Falcon asked, calming down slightly.
"Well, I have a couple of questions for you, but I'm starting to think I'm not actually going to get any answers from you." Robin replied, shifting through the papers on his desk.
"Come at me, bro! I can handle a few questions!" Falcon exclaimed, flexing his fingers.
"Not questioning it, Captain." Robin said. "That's actually my first question. Are you an actual captain?"
"Nope!" Falcon exclaimed. "It's just a title! A badass title!"
"I bet it is, for a racer." Robin said. "But apparently you're also a bounty hunter?"
"It's my job!" Falcon exclaimed, pumping his fist. "A BADASS JOB!"
"Are you even good at your job?" Robin asked.
"NOT REALLY!" Falcon exclaimed.
"And you...Falcon Punch people when you...hunt them?" Robin asked, confused.
"No!" Falcon exclaimed. "I shoot them!"
"You shoot them." Robin repeated.
"Yes!" Falcon exclaimed, flexing.
"With that gun on your waist you never use." Robin added.
"I only use it when I KILL!" Falcon exclaimed.
"...Right. It also says here, when you aren't here, you live on an island in isolation due to all the enemies you've made." Robin started, reading off the sheet in his hands.
"YES!" Falcon exclaimed. "I AM A LONELY MAN!"
"You make that very obvious." Robin commented. "Now, my main question for you is, if you're a bounty hunting racer who hunts down his targets using guns, where the hell does your moveset come from?"
"MY AWESOMENESS!" Falcon exclaimed.
"What does that even mean?" Robin asked, irritated.
"I can always do it!" Falcon exclaimed. "I just chose not to! It's way easier to bounty hunt with a gun then with my fists of FALCON PAIN!"
"That's...actually pretty logical." Robin said. "And you wouldn't want to just use a gun for the tournament."
"YES!" Falcon exclaimed. "That would be NO FUN!"
"Ok. Now let's talk about your personality." Robin said.
"There's no way Master Hand would tell you to talk to me about my persona!" Falcon exclaimed.
"First off, he totally would and you know it." Robin retorted. "Second, yeah, this is a me thing. You're an asshole, but, back in your world, you're a less bombastic asshole. Apperently you're some sort of silent, serious badass asshole bounty hunter."
"OH YEAH!" Falcon exclaimed. "BADASSHOLE!"
"...You also seem slightly brain damaged." Robin said. "What's with that, Falcon? Tell me your feelings, Not-A-Real Captain."
"OK!" Falcon exclaimed, posing yet again. "I was the only son of my family! I was raised to be as strict and serious as possible! I did not like that! Hih! Ha! Ho! Man, I'm pretty! I rebelled! I kept the persona, but ditched the special fire powers my family taught me! I use them here, but I also lash out like an obnoxious child! To keep! Up! Appearances!"
"Wait, back up there." Robin said. "This is a family thing? Why isn't that part of your back story? If you have some powerful magical history, that could change the entire course of your series! You could be advertised as a bounty hunting warlock racer!"
"That's not a good idea!" Falcon exclaimed. "Powerful male warlocks run in my family, and all of them are crazy!"
"Really?" Robin asked. "And you don't feel like changing that or anything.
"No way!" Falcon exclaimed. "If there's one thing Mama Dragwire taught me, it's that I shouldn't listen to the dark, controlling voices in my head!"
"I swear to Naga, if you're another character with a dark, depressing backstory…" Robin mumbled to himself. "Wait. Is your last name 'Dragwire?'"
"Something like that!" Falcon exclaimed. "I don't remember that well, what with my RAGING INSANITY!"
"Right." Robin said. "So I'm just going to go ahead and add you to the 'mentally unstable' group of Smashers, if that's alright with you. It's a surprisingly large group."
"OK!" Falcon exclaimed.
Robin sighed. "Now, if you have anything you'd want to bring up to me or Hand-"
"FALCON LEAVE!" Falcon shouted, and exploded in a fiery explosion. The fire vanished as quickly as it started, leaving Robin and his office covered in a black ash.
"...Great. Now I have to get Eario to clean this up before my next meeting." Robin groaned. "I knew I wasn't going to like this chapter."
I'll tell you this much: Falcon is going to be revisited in another chapter. You might be able to guess whose.
Up next: Ness! The last of the original 12 Smashers!