Maia grabbed the small bag she kept with her things in case of evacuation. She followed Leia to the shuttles and saw Poe firing up his x-wing. She quickly diverted her path and climbed up the ladder to talk to him.

"Where are you off to Flybird?"

"Usually people call me flyboy." Poe was flipping switches on his console.

"I'd think you'd prefer flyman?" Her nose scrunched as soon as the words left her mouth.

Poe smiled as he flipped a few more switches. "I'm going up to protect the cruiser and serve as a distraction if the First Order shows up."

"You are very distracting."

Poe looked over and saw her grinning at him as she rested her chin on the side of his ship. She was beautiful. "You're very distracting." He managed to stutter out.

A faint pink blush appeared high on her cheeks. "Flybird this is not the time."

"I might be flying to my death." He leaned over closer to her.

She laughed, "I might believe that someday, but not this day Poe Dameron, the ever-flying bird." She leaned back, "Not this day."

Poe grinned and closed the hatch. He was circling the cruiser when it hit him that they had been flirting, like, almost normal people flirting. Maia was wonderful, she always made life fun for him. She was always the first to hug him after a successful mission, or an unsuccessful one. And remembering her during his interrogation. . . He always denied himself that he wanted more from her.

But he let himself want, just a little.

Maia's face was pressed to the glass, watching the X-Wing. She kept to herself, X-Wing time was Poe's private time. Leia sat next to her, "Did he tell you his plan?"

"The usual, snark, flash and a little bit of dash."

Leia smiled, "I remember when he joined the Resistance. He was young and talented and very full of himself. But he's learned."

"He's still learning."

She laid a hand over Maia's, "Are you doing okay? Rey told me what happened on the planet."

"Everything is fuzzier, or clearer, maybe, it looks like how you see it."

"Ben offered for you to go with him."

"I am supposed to be here."

"I hope you want to be here, not just because the Force tells you to be here."

Maia laid her head on Leia's shoulder, "Thank you for taking care of me, and not changing me. He would change me and I don't want that."

"I will never make you do something you don't want to do." Leia promised, kissing the top of her head. She had never helped Ben, just tried to force him into being what she wanted him to be. Maia would be different.

"When will her Highness return?"

"Soon, with Luke."

They both felt a sense of abandonment when it came to her brother. Maia was wanted to go with Luke but he had just left her alone. Leia thought it was strange Maia hadn't wanted to go find him, but it was best not to question her.

Leia's communicator beeped, the First Order had arrived and the evacuation was almost done. She patted Maia's hand one more time and went to command the Resistance.

Poe led Finn to get clothes. While Finn changed into some of his clothes, he looked around for Maia. He found her crying in a maintence closet, she got like this when she was too close to death. He went to hug her but she pushed him away. "Maia."

She shoved him out of the closet, "This is your fault." She shut the door in his face.

Then Leia slapped and demoted him.

He was not having luck with women today.

Maia wiped at her eyes. So many were gone, but she couldn't do this every time. She had to get a handle on herself. She could feel him approaching. But his presence didn't fill her with dread as it once had. She was scared, yes, but she could manage it this time. She could feel his intent, his conflict, the monster that plagued them both.

She felt his hesitation. Then his anger.

The air was knocked out of her chest.

Leia.

Her feet were moving before her mind could catch up with what was happening. She heard someone calling her name and felt them following her. The door to the command center was closed and the entire room was gone.

Someone pulled her away from the door and saying her name. Arms enveloped her but they felt constricting rather than comforting. She struggled out of them. It was Poe, it was always Poe. She could see the hurt in his eyes.

Leia was gone. She turned from him and went to the window. Debris floated around the ship, debris and the bodies of the Resistance leaders. Maia felt her chest constricting and she looked up at Poe and she could feel the same thing was happening to him.

Leia wasn't gone.

Maia felt it and looked back out in wonder. Leia was moving towards them, the Force guiding her back home. Poe let out a yell of relief and ran to the door. Maia stayed back and watched as Leia was carted away. Poe went to her, "She's fine."

She took an unconscious step back when he walked to her and he stopped. He took a step forward and she took another step back. "Maia." His voice was soft and confused. She didn't know what was going on, but she didn't want to see him right now.

She turned and followed Leia. She knew Poe was following her, he felt lost and was just following her because he didn't know where else to go. The crew was called to a meeting on the secondary deck. She didn't need to be at that so she stayed with Leia.

She tried to reach out to Leia, but she was unconscious, trying to get to her might hurt her. Poe came in, "Is she awake?"

"Of course not." Her answer was far sharper than she meant.

"What's going on with you?"

She shook her head, "I should have gone with Rey. I could have stopped this but I didn't. It would be better if I just wasn't here." The pain in her chest was stabbing at her heart. She didn't know how to deal with this. She could have reached out, stopped them from firing, done anything but nothing. Maybe she would have been more useful with Rey.

"No one could have stopped this Maia. What makes you think you could have?"

"There is a lot I haven't told you." She said quietly.

Before he could ask any questions, the door opened and Finn entered with a small woman he did not know. They told him their plan to save the Resistance. He looked back at Maia, she wasn't looking at them but that didn't mean she hadn't been listening. She didn't say anything so he had to take it that she was complicit with this plan.

"Maybe you should trust Leia." She said quietly when he came back from ensuring Rose and Finn had escaped the Raddus.

"Leia is unconscious."

Maia gave him a glare worthy of the General. "What color is the sky today?"

"I don't have time for these games right now."

Her lips tightened into a line, "Fine."

"I'm sorry Maia, there's just a lot going on." He rubbed his face and leaned back.

"Of course."

He started talking about how he was afraid for the Resistance and didn't trust Holdo. As he kept going on he realized Maia was only half listening to him and giving clipped one-word responses. She was still angry at him. She finally got up to leave once he was done talking.

"Maia, wait." He touched her back lightly and she stopped. He pulled her into a hug. He was sorry, for whatever it was she was angry at him for. Nothing seemed to be going right anymore. She looked up at him, their noses brushed and he froze. It was that sweet moment, that rush right before you knew what was going to happen for sure. But he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers, he just couldn't.

Maia shoved him away, surprising him yet again. "You think I'm broken, like he does."

"Who thinks you're broken?"

"The old King said he could fix me. Do you want that?"

"I don't know who that is but I know I don't want you anywhere near him. You don't need to be fixed."

He reached for her but she took a step out of his reach. "But I don't know what I'm doing, is that it? That because my holes and gaps, the creature in my chest weaves my choices, I'm broken and wrong? That you can't love me because I'm broken?" She wasn't crying but he could see the start of tears in her eyes.

"Maia you aren't broken." He tried to convey his honest belief that she wasn't broken, but she was having none of it.

"But you want me to be golden and and and balta!" She spat out the last word like poison in her mouth.

"I don't know what that means!" Poe yelled back. She turned and walked into the General's private quarters "Maia!"

But she closed the door in his face again.

Yesterday he had destroyed Starkiller base and today he couldn't even kiss a girl.

Maia curled up on the bed. This wasn't her room, but she didn't really have one on the ship. Poe made her so mad. Tears started to escape from her eyes. No, no not right now.

She pulled herself up and took up a meditation position. Usually this was too scary for her, but since facing down the old King, she felt a little stronger now. Whatever the Force had to show her, she could handle, she told herself. The Force was an old friend, greeting her and wrapping her up like a blanket. The two sides, light and dark weren't there, just the balance. The creature in her chest that weaved tapestries of her emotions stilled and settled. Clarity came to her for a brief moment, but with it, the visions of what she had seen that night. Fire. . . darkness. . .screams. . . death.

She jerked and fell off the bed. The tears were already going down her face. She hit her head against her knees. Why couldn't she just be normal again?

"You need control, or lost, you will be." A strange voice said.

She looked up and the green goblin was sitting on the bed. This was perfectly normal.

"I can't control what isn't mine."

"Like you, I once thought. If the force controls you, lost you will be."

She studied him for a long moment. She had learned of the Jedi Masters who could appear like this after they had died, this must be one of them. "How do I stop this?"

"You, asked this long ago, should have. Hmmmmm?"

"Been afraid, I have."

The goblin tapped her head with his cane, "Caused fear in you, darkness has. Find balance, you must."

"You are a strange Jedi master."

The goblin giggled as it disappeared.

Maia sequestered herself for the rest of the day. She knew she could never dedicate herself to the Jedi Order, but that didn't mean she had to be useless. She could make up for her past mistakes, she could protect them. She could be strong again, strong enough to face down both sides of the Force if she had to.

"Wake up Dameron." Poe looked up and saw Maia, smiling softly. Was all forgiven?

Where was he? "No!" He lept up and hit the glass.

Leia explained the plan and he slumped in the seat. This was why everyone was angry with him. He acted without thinking, risking everyone's lives. There would be no Resistance if they were all dead. He walked over to Maia, "I get it, I'm sorry."

"The Resistance isn't a ship, it's a heart." She touched his chest lightly.

"You are making more sense lately."

"Don't get used to it." She smiled ruefully.

"I don't think you're broken, Maia, I never have."

She nodded, "I know, I was just angry, because I think I'm broken, I've been broken for a long time. You deserve better."

"Maia-" He started to say, but she turned her head away from him.

"He's dead."

"Who's dead, Maia?" Poe asked cautiously.

"Snoke, he's not there anymore. He's not. . ." Her voice faded away as she looked around. Snoke wasn't coloring her world anymore. The creature that had lived in her chest for so long floated away and she felt, empty somehow. The darkness he had created in her had been coloring her vision for so long, she wasn't sure what the real world looked like anymore. Leia had risen at her words and was making her way towards her.

She turned around to speak to Poe but he was gone. She was in a red room, a room that she had only seen in her nightmares.

The light and the dark were swirling against each other so powerfully in this room, her knees weakened. In the middle, there was a lightsaber floating in the air, suspended between the two opposing forces.

"Maia!" The darkness roared and it rushed to her. The light responded and stopped it. In the space between them, it was still and quiet. Except for the song.

The lightsaber was singing to her, the same song it sung on the planet. It was soft, and sweet, and sad. It spoke of years of torment and punishment, but unimaginable joy and love. She took a few steps, reaching out for the promise of the lightsaber.

She reached out and grabbed the lightsaber in both hands. It quieted at her touch, but she could stil hear the music in her head. The light and dark were growing stronger, louder, more insistent that she give them the lightsaber.

The light and dark were both yelling, saying no, telling her to stop, begging for her help. Their voices, their songs, their everythings crashed above her head, but she felt nothing. She looked at both of them and saw what they were, who they were. This was their eternal struggle.

End it.

She snapped the lightsaber in half.

Quick note:

Thanks for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it, it's been a looooong time since I've written for other people and it's been fun putting my work out there again.

This will (probably) be my last consistent update for awhile, I start a new job in a new city on Monday and I don't exactly work the usual 9-5, 40 hrs a week kind of job. But I will try to update at least once a week, depending on how busy I am at work.

Thanks :)