Lights, Camera, ACTION!

Rated: T

Trigger Warnings: none apply

Genre: comedy, romance, light drama

Summary: It's 1996 and a new sensation is sweeping the wizarding world - Video Dating. This Muggle trend got its start in America in the 80s, but took awhile to hit witches and wizards in the UK, namely due to lack of understanding and accessibility of Muggle technology. But it's become the Next Big Thing, especially among purebloods and half-bloods who didn't manage to find That Special Someone while attending Hogwarts. These are their stories.

Explanation: On one HP fanfic FB group earlier this year, someone posted a link to an 80s Video Dating compilation and this sparked a number of authors to discuss working together to create a massive crack!fic inspired by it. That project fell by the wayside, but when it looked like it was still happening I wrote the chapters I was supposed to have contributed. Not wanting them to go to waste, I decided to forgo the crack!fic elements and post mine here, but no one else's, and I'm doing so without the overall premise that had been decided (which tied them all together) as I am not interested in stealing others' ideas.

Length: 5 completed chapters, with a possibility of 2 more.

Enjoy!

-AL

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

TAPE ONE:

ANDROMEDA AND TED TONKS

"Ted, fix your collar. You look a mess." Andromeda Tonks folded over the collar of her husband's white and green polo shirt, and smoothed an imaginary wrinkle in the front. "We want them to want us!"

"Er… them?" He shifted on his stool, looking anxious, and wiped his sweaty palms on his tan trousers. "How many new 'friends' are we looking to find?"

They had set up the tall kitchen stools in the sitting room, in front of the fireplace, because Andromeda insisted it was better, lighting-wise, than any other room in the house. She'd already removed all of the family photographs from the mantle – no need to drive home the fact that they'd been married with a child for nearly thirty years – and they had practiced their spiel several times before setting up the borrowed video equipment (a Muggle invention).

"What do you think?" she asked, smiling almost naturally.

"You look nice, dear," said Ted. He tucked an errant hair behind her ear. "Quite nice."

Andromeda was wearing a mauve button-down sundress, fitted, that showed off a bit of leg and accentuated her chest, but did not scream 'trying too hard.' At least, that's what she'd assured him when she put it on that morning.

"Thank you."

"So…" He glanced nervously at the camera. "How many friends did you say?"

"Ideally, we'll find another couple," answered Andromeda. She positioned herself back on the stool, facing the 1991 camcorder on its tripod, a gift she'd given him five anniversaries ago. "Ready?"

"Not at all," he answered honestly.

She didn't seem to hear. Or care.

"Good." She tossed her hair and positioned herself carefully, one leg crossed over the other to show a little thigh. "Action."

He smiled uncomfortably. She smiled subtly, seductively. He tried not to show too many teeth, though she'd always said he had very nice teeth, so maybe he should…

"Cut!" She glared at him.

"What?"

"Why are you making that stupid face?"

"I'm not!"

"You certainly are!" She huffed, blowing a stray curl out of her eyes. "Halfway between a grimace and a grin. You look like an imbecile. Just… smile naturally. Give it a go."

He gave it a go.

"Better. Take two. Turn to the camera, and…" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Action!"

"How are we going to edit this later?" he asked. "We don't have a telly."

"CUT!" She swiveled back to face him again. "Every time you talk, we need to stop."

"We haven't stopped." He gestured toward the camcorder. "The red light's been on all this time. You just keep yelling 'cut' like we're on the set of a bloody film. I am sorry to tell you, my dear, but I am not Lawrence Olivier and you are no Helen Mirren."

"You've always carried a torch for Helen Mirren," said Andromeda with a hint of jealousy. "Dragged me to all her bloody movies... I saw 'Where Angels Fear to Tread' four times!"

"You resemble the other actress in that one," said Ted. "Don't you think? Helena Bon-"

"No, I don't think so. Hush, we're wasting time. And tape. We have only so much tape. And time. ACTI-"

"I don't know about this, Andromeda. What if the couple we find can't be discrete? We don't want our business all over the Evening Prophet's Society and Scandals page!"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"And you never answered – without a telly and a tape player, how will we edit out all this extr–"

"Merlin's beard, Ted, would you stop worrying? We're never going to make friends if you're pouting!" She leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Chin up, dear. I'll figure out how to edit it later. If we have to, we'll rent a television for a day. I'm sure that's a thing Muggles do."

"I don't think-"

"ACTION!" She swiveled on the stool again and smiled dazzlingly at the camera. "Hello. I'm Andromeda and this is my husband, Ted."

Ted half-waved.

"We're seeking new friends for dinners out or breakfasts in-"

Ted snorted.

"What's funny?" Her eyes flashed. "CUT!"

"Dinners out or breakfasts in? Why don't you just say, 'We're swingers'?"

"Because it's 1996, not 1969! No one says 'swingers' anymore!" She rolled her eyes. "Let's try this again. Action!"

"Hello." Ted smiled. "I'm Ted and this is my wife, Andromeda. We've been happily married since 1972, and-"

"Don't tell them how bloody long we've been happily married! We're not looking to win a twenty-fifth anniversary cruise to Nova Scotia, we're trying to spice up our exceedingly dull sex life!"

"That's it, then." He looked to the sky as if saying a prayer. "We're looking to spice up our excee-"

"Not yet!" She again adjusted herself on the stool. "Action!" Smile. "Hello, we're Ted and Andromeda. We're making this lovely little video beca-"

Ted broke in. "Because we've been married too damn long! So now we're looking for new friends to join us for dinner, breakfast, and sex that can't be described as 'exceedingly dull.' Please respond promptly, we're desperate."

"We're not desperate," said Andromeda, but she looked and sounded… desperate. "We're a fun and attractive couple in our forties-"

Ted leaned over and undid Andromeda's top three buttons, revealing a bit of cleavage. "Perhaps if you looked less formal…"

She swatted away his hand. "Why don't we just sit here starkers, then?"

Ted stood and began untucking his shirt. "If you think it would help."

"Merlin's bloody balls, WHAT IS THIS?"

Both Ted and Andromeda turned to see Nymphadora in the doorway, followed closely by her friend (and more?) Remus Lupin. Nymphadora was choking back laughter, but there was a look of sheer horror on Lupin's face. They'd arrived in time to hear everything from "Cruise to Nova Scotia" on.

"Oh, hullo," said Ted. He tugged awkwardly at his sleeve. "Nice of you to drop in."

"CUT!" shouted Andromeda. "Just send the bloody tape in like that, I'm done."