A/N:

If you'd like to see a particular character covered, feel free to leave a comment or PM me! I may be slow, but I take requests. :) Characters already upcoming include Severus Snape, Alecto Carrow, and the Malfoys, with possible additions of Fenrir Greyback and Lord Voldemort.

-AL

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

TAPE TWO:

BELLATRIX BLACK LESTRANGE

Bellatrix Black Lestrange glared into the full-length, freestanding mirror in her sister's bedroom. She silently scrutinized her appearance. Her heavy-lidded dark eyes had great bags under them, the result of too little sleep, and her sallow skin was slightly burnt from her brief walk in the sun on the grounds of Malfoy Manor earlier in the evening. After nearly fifteen years in prison, she'd grown accustomed to the dark; her pale complexion couldn't handle the daylight.

She was thin, much too thin, though she'd been eating well since vacating her prison cell. Her sister made sure of it. A house-elf catered to her personally, and kept her happy with a steady diet of lamb and lobster and sticky toffee pudding - all her favorites. She was finally putting on weight, though her cheekbones remained high, her collar bone still stuck out, and, under her corset, her ribcage was visible.

But her breasts were filling out again, and she still had hips, and her thick, untamable hair gave her an almost ethereal look she rather liked.

"You look lovely," said Narcissa reassuringly from behind the camcorder.

Bellatrix transferred her glare from her reflection to the large black object atop the borrowed tripod.

"Tell me again, what magic is this?"

"It's Muggle magic, but it's… good." Narcissa smiled. "Trust me. Everyone is doing it, it is the way to find a date in 1996. We record your advertisement - well, not advertisement exactly, but your... your personals ad - and send it in, then wizards will watch it and if they feel they may connect with you, they'll reach out by owl. Simple. Effective. It's how Thorfinn Rowle found Euphemia Burke and they're already engaged!"

"They could have found each other in other ways, though."

"But they didn't. And you haven't found anyone in other ways, either. So look here, at this little red dot, smile, and tell the world what you're looking for in a wizard."

"What I'm looking for in a wizard," Bellatrix repeated.

"Yes," said Narcissa. "Describe the ideal man."

"Ideal man. I can do that." Bellatrix tossed back her hair, thrust out her chest, tilted up her chin, and tried to look both her best and completely natural at the same time.

"Foremost, I want someone tall…"

"Yes."

"Slender…"

"Good."

"Hairless…"

"Er… alright…?"

"With long nails and red pupils and no nose and-"

"Bloody... Bella... No! You're not supposed to sit there and describe the Dark Lord!" Narcissa stepped in front of the camera, hands on her hips, as if scolding Draco when he was small rather than reprimanding her formidable older sister.

"You said to describe my ideal wizard!"

"NOT THE DARK LORD."

"He's my ideal wizard!"

"Describe a wizard in more general terms." Narcissa moved back behind the camera and pushed the Record button again. "Go."

"My name is Bellatrix, I'm approximately forty years of age, and I'm seeking a Dark Lord for evenings spent torturing Mug-"

"NOT A DARK LORD, JUST A WIZARD."

"Fine!" She sighed as if put out. "My name is Bellatrix. I'm seeking a wizard for evenings spent torturing Muggles and setting fire to their homes and bridges. I am hoping to find someone who enjoys sharing rack of lamb but is also happy feeding each other berries in bed. I need someone who likes to take long romantic walks on the beach after sunset in Barcelona, but is equally comfortable flying around the English countryside at midnight, seeking targets. I especially want a man always up for a game of 'Crucio the Auror,' and one who doesn't mind women who smoke."

"You don't smoke."

"But I might take up the habit and I don't want my wizard to mind. Oh, and you must not mind only leaving home together in the cover of darkness… I'm… out on… parole, at the moment."

Narcissa chuckled. "You haven't been paroled."

"It's like parole."

"The Dark Lord broke you free from Azkaban and now you're the most wanted witch in the wizarding world." Narcissa sighed. "Most wanted, but can't find a date. Let's continue."

"I'm thirty-four years of age-"

"You're forty-five."

She tossed her hair haughtily, ignoring this correction. "I'm told I have a melodic laugh."

"A cackle. You cackle."

"Due to circumstances beyond my control I haven't been to bed with a man since 1981, but I assure you, I've not lost my touch."

"It's a dating video, you're not selling yourself like a common slag."

Bellatrix sneered at her sister, whose face was obscured by the camera.

"I'm technically married, but my husband is an impotent tosser and our marriage was arranged to unite our two old-line pureblood families. My duty was to give him a son, but as one of us is physically incapable of procreation..."

"They don't need that much information."

"I've got dark hair, heavy-lidded eyes, a perky, buxom chest…"

Narcissa gave an undignified snort.

"A trim waist, skin unmarred by sunlight…"

"They'll be able to see you. It's like a moving photograph, but with sound. And color."

"And none of my teeth are chipped or broken."

Narcissa rolled her eyes.

"Anything else, Bella?"

Bellatrix shook her head, but just before her sister switched off the camcorder, she added one last bit of pertinent instruction:

"Oh, yes... no Mudbloods need apply."