A/N:
I realize these are ridiculous; thanks for reading!
-AL
Lights, Camera, ACTION!
TAPE SIX:
FENRIR GREYBACK
"Muggle technology?" sneered the middle-aged, filthily dressed, lanky man, looking over the camcorder. "Is it on?"
"Yes, it's on," a female voice out of camera range assured him. "The red light means it's recording. Like a photograph, but with sound. And color."
"Photograph, but with sound and color." He picked shredded meat from his teeth with his long, sharp, yellowed pinkie nail. "Birds will be able to see me?"
"Yes, but I believe they prefer to be called 'women,'" said the woman off-camera. Leaving the camera on its tripod, she went to the man and fixed his collar. Even from behind, there was no mistaking her identity: Bellatrix Lestrange.
"Slags." The man sneered. "Every woman willing to shag a man she met through this Muggle rubbish is a slag."
"I met a man through one of these videos," she said. She licked her thumb and wiped away shmutz from his face.
"Case in point," he replied. "Everyone know you're a whore. Even your husband has come to terms with it. He's also come inside every twenty-year-old bint trying to up herself through the Dark Lord's ranks. Did you know that? Did you know he fucks around on you? Did you know he says you're no good in bed? Like an icicle with tits, he says."
"Bite me," she snapped.
He grinned. "Could I?"
She slipped her wand out from her sleeve and pressed it against his adam's apple.
"Try it and die, you mangy beast."
Pleased at having riled her, the man brushed back his stringy, graying hair with his fingertips and sat upon the stool in front of the gates outside Malfoy Manor. There was snow on the ground around them, though it wasn't cold enough to have their teeth chattering... so long as the sun was still overhead.
"So, why we not doing this inside?"
"My sister doesn't like you in her home," answered Bellatrix. "You know that. Cissy says dogs belong outside. She also thinks they belong chained up like the animals they are, and I can't say I disagree."
"Fuck your sister."
"Down, boy." She adjusted her skirt and glanced at the camera. "I'm only doing this for you as a favor, so-"
"You're doing this for me so I don't tell the Dark Lord I caught you watching him sleep again." He scratched at the chest hair poking out from the top of his unwashed old shirt. "You know he hates that."
She went slightly red, but whether her blush was of embarrassment or anger he didn't know.
"I could Obliviate you, you know," she said. "Or kill you. Who'd miss you? You're a werewolf. On a related note, are we directing this video toward human bitches or actual bitches? Do you have a preference when it comes to species?"
"I'll fuck anything with a pussy," he answered.
"Charming." She backed away from him. "Now you sit on that stool and try to look like you're not the most vile creature to crawl out from under a rock since Nagini slithered up to the Dark Lord in that Albanian forest. Think you can manage that? At the very least, try to look human. Or human-adjacent."
"Fine." He grunted.
She moved back out of range, behind the camera.
"What now?"
"Tell the ladies what you're looking for."
"I'm looking for a fuck," he answered.
"Not like that! Start with something nice. 'Hello, my name is…' Then say a few nice things about yourself and a few nice things you'd like in a lady."
"Hello. My name is Fenrir Greyback. I'm a werewolf."
"Yes, lead off with that," she said sarcastically. "Women love to know the man they're seeing turns into a bloody beast when the full moon rises."
"Don't women like honesty?"
"Not that much honesty. Start again."
He growled, his upper lip curled, but he also nodded.
"Hello. My name is Fenrir Greyback. I'm an honest man. I fancy women, the fitter the better. I can smell arousal, but I don't mind if you want to play coy to hide it. I prefer tea to coffee, savory to sweet, and rare to well-done." He scratched at his kneecaps. "Let's see… What else? I enjoy taking women for long romantic walks in the moonlight."
From behind the camera, Bellatrix snorted.
"I also like it a bit rough. Primal. So if you're into biting, scratching, having a good time…"
She snorted again.
"Something funny, Lestrange?"
"No, sorry, allergies." She sniffled. "Go on, then."
"I'm looking for a lady in the streets but an animal in the bedroom, someone just like me. Prefer blondes, but I'm not in a position to be picky. Must enjoy being outdoors. Not looking to breed at the moment, so no one with fantasies of a house full of pups. Though I do like children." His mouth contorted into a creepy grin. "Like to nip at them. Nibble. Take my time."
"Oh, women will be falling at your feet now," said Bellatrix, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Or should I say, your paws?"
"I'd be better off with a bitch," snarled Greyback. "They go into heat, rut with the first male who comes along, and don't owl you the next day wanting to have dinner."
"It's a wonder you're single, a great catch like you."
"Fuck yourself."
"Rather fuck myself than a werewolf," muttered Bellatrix. "Anything else you'd like to say?"
"Only that this video better work. I want a bloody woman."
"We all have wants," said Bellatrix dismissively. "And it doesn't seem to matter what we want; we women always seem to end up with dogs."
"That reminds me…" Now Greyback was scratching behind his ear. "Do you reckon I should mention I'm currently being treated for fleas?"
NEXT (LAST) UP:
Lord Voldemort
-AL