Lights, Camera, ACTION!

by Amandah Leigh

It's 1996 and a new sensation is sweeping the wizarding world: Video Dating. This Muggle trend got its start in the US in the 80s, but took awhile to hit witches and wizards in the UK. It's now become the Next Big Thing, especially among purebloods and half-bloods who didn't manage to find That Special Someone at Hogwarts. These are their stories.

7. Lord Voldemort

A/N:

Last chapter. Enjoy!

-AL

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Lights, Camera, ACTION!

TAPE SEVEN:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

aka

YOU KNOW WHO

aka

HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED

aka

THE DARK LORD

aka

LORD VOLDEMORT

"Nagini, come."

The snake slithered behind her master, weaving around his feet, sticking out her tongue with a sharp hissss.

"Good girl." He approached the Muggle technology set up in the Drawing Room of Malfoy Manor, wand drawn. "Revelio!"

Nothing.

"Tell me your secrets!"

Nothing.

"Reveal yourself!"

Nothing.

"What are you?" He gently touched the camcorder, careful not to knock it from its tripod. He pressed a button. A red light came on.

"What is this magic?"

"My Lord?" Draco Malfoy entered the Drawing Room tentatively.

"Draco?" the Dark Lord turned and regarded the pale blond carefully. "You are home for Easter?"

"Yes, my Lord. I've just arrived. Mother sent me to ask you whether you'll be joining us for dinner this evening."

"I believe I will, yes." The Dark Lord traced one long, slender finger around the circular lens. "My dear boy, come closer."

"Cl-closer, my Lord?"

"What is this… contraption?"

"I… I don't know, my Lord." Draco moved closer, as directed, but was clearly uncomfortable doing so. "I've never seen one before."

"Why do you parents have it?"

"I don't know, sir." Draco examined the camcorder. A little door on the side was easy to pry open, revealing a dark rectangle.

"Play," read the Dark Lord, looking at one of the buttons near the Record that had turned the red button on.

The face of a woman who looked strangely like Bellatrix, but not Bellatrix, popped up on the rectangle.

"Is it a painting?" asked the Dark Lord.

"Or a photograph?" asked Draco.

But the image began to speak.

"ACTION!" The woman who looked like Bellatrix swiveled on a tall stool in front of a fireplace in a modest, unfamiliar sitting room and smiled dazzlingly at the camera.

"Who is this? I demand to know!" said the Dark Lord.

"Hello," said the woman. "I'm Andromeda and this is my husband, Ted."

Ted half-waved.

"We're seeking new friends for dinners out or breakfasts in-"

Ted snorted.

"Your aunt and uncle," said the Dark Lord. "Parents of the Metamorph, Tonks."

"Who?" asked Draco.

"What's funny?" On the rectangle, Andromeda's eyes flashed, increasing her resemblance to Bellatrix. "CUT!"

"Dinners out or breakfasts in?" asked Ted. "Why don't you just say, 'We're swingers'?"

"Because it's 1996, not 1969! No one says 'swingers' anymore!" She rolled her eyes. "Let's try this again. Action!"

"What are 'swingers'?" asked Draco.

"Ask your father," answered the Dark Lord.

"Hello." On the rectangle, Ted smiled. "I'm Ted and this is my wife, Andromeda. We've been happily married since 1972, and-"

"Don't tell them how bloody long we've been happily married! We're not looking to win a twenty-fifth anniversary cruise to Nova Scotia, we're trying to spice up our exceedingly dull sex life!"

Draco and the Dark Lord pulled identical faces of disgust.

"That's my aunt and uncle?" asked Draco.

"What is the purpose of this?" asked the Dark Lord.

"What does this button do?" Draco pushed it. The images sped up and the sound made a whiny noise that couldn't be identified has speech. He lifted his finger when he saw another aunt – this time, the one he knew – pop up.

"Bellatrix!" The Dark Lord grabbed the screen, nearly knocking the camcorder off the tripod. "Is she trapped? Bellatrix, speak to us! Tell us how to free you from this torment!"

"Look here," said the voice of Narcissa Malfoy, who could not be seen in the image. "At this little red dot, smile, and tell the world what you're looking for in a wizard."

"What I'm looking for in a wizard," Bellatrix repeated.

"Yes," said Narcissa. "Describe the ideal man."

"My mum's in there too!" exclaimed Draco.

The Dark Lord hushed him. "I need to hear this."

Bellatrix tossed back her hair, thrust out her chest, tilted up her chin, and tried to look both her best and completely natural at the same time.

"Foremost, I want someone tall…"

"Yes," said Narcissa.

"Slender…"

"Good," said Narcissa.

"Hairless…"

"Er… alright…?" said Narcissa.

"With long nails and red pupils and no nose and-"

"Bloody... Bella... No! You're not supposed to sit there and describe the Dark Lord!"

"I'm the Dark Lord!" His red-slitted eyes widened. "I am the ideal man!"

Draco glanced at him, his mouth curled into a sneer, but the boy managed to keep from reacting out loud.

"You said to describe my ideal wizard!" Bellatrix was saying on the screen.

"NOT THE DARK LORD!" said Narcissa.

"He's my ideal wizard!"

"I am the ideal wizard," said the Dark Lord, in awe. Draco couldn't help thinking it looked like he might be standing up a little straighter, his chest thrust out. At his feet, Nagini hissed.

"Not a word from you," the Dark Lord said, glaring down at her. "You heard the woman. I am the ideal-"

"My name is Bellatrix," she was continuing. "I'm approximately forty years of age, and I'm seeking a Dark Lord for evenings spent torturing Mug-"

"NOT A DARK LORD, JUST A WIZARD."

"Is this why she watches me sleep?" the Dark Lord asked Draco. "I assumed she was planning an assassination."

"Er… she watches you what?"

She tossed her hair haughtily. "I'm told I have a melodic laugh," on-screen Bellatrix said.

"You do!" said the Dark Lord. "A lovely laugh."

"She cackles," said Draco, at the same time his mother said, "A cackle, you cackle."

"She's beautiful," said the Dark Lord.

Draco began backing away, hoping he could make it all the way from the room… perhaps all the way out of the Manor and back to Hogwarts… unnoticed.

"I need to see more!" The Dark Lord turned his wand on the boy. "How did you speed up the time? You have a reverse Time Turner?"

"I pressed the button," said Draco. Defeated, he made his way back to the Dark Lord's side and pressed the button that said FAST FORWARD. The face of Severus Snape appeared.

"Stop!" demanded the Dark Lord. "What is this? Has he stolen away Bellatrix?"

"Not bloody likely," muttered Draco. The mental image of his aunt and the Potions Master popped into his head and he shuddered.

"That's how my dates usually go," quipped Severus dryly on the screen. "Skip the pleasantries, get straight into it. But they cost by the hour."

"Severus Snape!" the voice of Minerva McGonagall gasped, scandalized.

"Relax, Minerva. I was being sardonic."

"Well, stop being sardonic. Say, 'Greetings,' if you must. Then straight into your introduction: My name is Severus Snape. I am the professor of Potions at Hogwarts School of–"

"Yes, I believe I can manage my name and occupation without prompting, thank you."

"I think they're trying to find dates," said Draco. "That's what this magic is. It's a date-finder."

"A magical date finder?" The Dark Lord looked skeptical. "How does it work?"

"I don't know, my Lord. Wish I did."

"Why?" The Dark Lord tapped the screen, wondering if Bellatrix could hear him. "In need of a date, young mister Malfoy? I am quite certain your parents could arrange a marriage for you if you're incapable, but perhaps not for another couple of years."

"No, sir, thank you." Draco cleared his throat. "I do alright at Hogwarts."

"I did well myself, when I was your age." The Dark Lord smiled and stroked Nagini's head. "I was quit the catch as a young man. Ladies threw themselves at my feet." He sighed, thinking of Bellatrix, the way she smiled at him, the way she always seemed desperate for his approval, thirsty for his attention. At what point had he failed to recognize the affections of a woman? When did he stop thinking of himself as an attractive fellow, a virile man, a sexual being?

When was the last time he got laid?

He quickly did the math.

And came up with… 1972.

But, in his defense, he'd been busy. His incredible rise to power had taken eleven years, from 1970 to his brief hiatus that began in 1981.

And now it was 1996. So… twenty-four years.

He hadn't had sex in twenty-four years?

"I haven't had sex in twenty-four years," he said aloud.

"Er… okay?" said Draco.

"What's next? Does Bella- er, does anyone explain how this is supposed to work? Not that I care. I do not intend to… I am above the base and carnal desires of man, of course! But for others… if you wanted to partake…"

"As I said, my Lord, I'm fine at Hogwarts. I have a girlfriend. She won't go all the way, yet, but-"

"Shut it, Malfoy. No one wants to hear about your pathetic, prepubescent love affair."

"I'm not prepub-"

"Bellatrix!" Her face had disappeared from the screen. "Where did she go? Bella!" He raised his voice. "BELLA, are you alive in there?!"

Alecto Carrow came up next.

"ALECTO! Bring me Bellatrix!"

"My mother's in here, too," said Draco, squinting at the screen. "In another dress. It must be another day. It's like… like a photograph with sound. And color. I wish I could understand how-"

"Oi there, name's Alecto. Come from London, went to Hogwarts. Thirty-six, good teeth, clean. No diseases. No children. Pureblood. Looking for the same for companionship, 'adult relations,' maybe marriage, if our families approve. No smokers, no alcoholics, no addicts, no gamblers, no gluttons."

"Look in a mirror and lower the bar," hissed the voice of Bellatrix.

"That's Auntie!" exclaimed Draco. "She's there, but we cannot see her."

"MOVE, COW!" The Dark Lord demanded of Alecto. "Where is Bellatrix?"

"This is Malfoy Manor," said Draco, studying the background. "That's a guest bedroom on the second floor. I recognize the drapes."

"Perhaps they're still there!" said the Dark Lord.

"But that's not the dress Mother was wearing when she met me at the train station."

"Perhaps she changed." The Dark Lord sneered at Draco. "Would such a thing be so unheard of?"

"With all due respect, my Lord, I don't think we're watching this in the present. It's as if it happened before… like a photograph, like I said, only-"

"Quiet!"

"I've never been to Azkaban," Alecto was saying. "Never even been arrested, because I was smart enough to escape the Aurors after the first war! Now I'm staying at Malfoy Manor with the Dark Lord himself, plus the Lestranges and Rookwood, where no one would even thinkto look for us!" She crossed her arms and leaned back, a self-satisfied smirk on her well-contoured face.

"Stop recording!"

The screen went black.

"Recording," mused the Dark Lord. "That's what they've done. Made a record of these… these videos. These dating attempts. These… these advertisements. But how?"

"Let's keep going." Draco fast forwarded again, this time landing on his parents wearing masquerade disguises. "Wait, what's this? Mother and Father?"

"Speaking of swingers," hissed the Dark Lord in Parseltongue. Nagini brushed her head against his hand and hissed back, almost as if laughing.

"That's their bedroom! What are they… why…?"

"Listen!"

"We are seeking someone considerate of our need for discretion, as our reputations are of the utmost importance to us," said Lucius, who was sitting on top of a hope chest at the end of his and Narcissa's bed. "We are also seeking someone who understands the female form, and knows how to make a woman purr with pleasure. We are seeking someone for whom satisfaction of the baser desires of man comes naturally, one adept at taking the time to build and bring another to ecstasy before expecting anything in return, one who possesses a wicked and talented tongue, fingers that know when to be rough and when to be gentle, and better stamina than a thestral at breeding time. We are seeking someone who revels in having an audience, who can both give and get and knows when the time has come for each, one who can balance maintenance of dignity with indulgence in the darkest, most carnal desires, the-"

"Pleasures of the flesh," Narcissa broke in. She shifted slightly uncomfortable on the hope chest. "We are seeking a man who enjoys sex with a woman for the benefit of the woman, not one who lives and comes and goes and dies for himself. One who knows the importance of a deep and lasting kiss be it on these lips, or..." She let the end of the sentence hang, her eyes momentarily focused on her hands in her lap, the implication clear. She again made 'eye contact' with the camera lens, but her hips shifted again as she did so.

"MERLIN'S BEARD, NO!" Draco backed away from the camcorder as if it had burned him. "What is this?"

"We seek a man who is not only immune to jealousy, but is spurred on by the knowledge he is being watched, studied, critiqued... loathed," Narcissa went on. "You may have me, and I may have pleasure, and my husband may have the experience of knowing what it is to be tied to a chair, gagged, and forbidden from using magic, whilst watching another man taste and touch and violate his wife of nearly two decades."

"THIS IS VILE!" exclaimed Draco. "My parents!"

"Swingers, I told you," the Dark Lord hissed to Nagini, who nodded.

"My Lord, surely there must be a way to turn this off!" Draco drew his wand. "Do you reckon the Killing Curse will put us out of our misery?"

"Only if you use it on yourself, Malfoy." The Dark Lord stepped between the boy and the camcorder, his eyes not leaving the screen. It was clear Lucius Malfoy wouldn't go twenty-four years without a good shag. Did that make Lucius more of a man than he was – him, the bloody Dark Lord Voldemort? No. What a ridiculous thought! But then again…

"Should you fit with us," Lucius was saying, "should we be a solid match, I promise, we shall make it worth your while in ways you cannot currently conceive, to be discussed and decided at a later date. But for now, we are seeking to fill a position to last one night..."

"One perfect, prolonged, pussy-pleasuring night..." interjected Narcissa.

"During which you, frankly put, shall fuck my wife while I watch..."

"Lucius?" Narcissa sounded breathless, desperate.

"Yes?"

"I want you now."

"Now?"

"Now!"

They crashed together, kissing and touching and ripping at each other's clothes. The Dark Lord gasped. He felt a tightening in his trousers he hardly remembered. He'd been that way, once. He'd taken more than his fair share of ladies to bed. He'd had them in a hundred ways and left each feeling satisfied, even though his primary goal was always his own pleasure. He could have that again, couldn't he? There was a woman who wanted him, wasn't there?

One interested in tall, thin, hairless, noseless men…?

"NO!" Draco rushed forward, nearly knocking the camera off the tripod. The Dark Lord steadied it.

"I am sorry for disobeying you my Lord, and if you should kill me for it I'll understand, but we are not watching my parents have… have… have… you know what!"

"Relations?"

Draco blanched.

"Sexual relations," specified the Dark Lord.

"I knew what sort of relations you meant!"

"Fascinating sexual relations," said the Dark Lord, his eyes again fixated on the screen. "Your mother is an attract-"

Draco hit the fast forward button.

He had to hold it down for far too long before another face took up the screen.

"Greyback?" asked the Dark Lord and Draco in unison.

"I thought it couldn't get any worse than Snape," said Draco, momentarily distracted from the pain of having seen his parents in such a state.

"You haven't met Alecto," said the Dark Lord. "Let's hear it, then."

Draco stopped fast forwarding.

"I'd be better off with a bitch," snarled Greyback. "They go into heat, rut with the first male who comes along, and don't owl you the next day wanting to have dinner."

"It's a wonder you're single, a great catch like you."

"Bellatrix," said the Dark Lord, staring intently into the little rectangle. But she did not appear.

"Fuck yourself."

"Rather fuck myself than a werewolf," muttered Bellatrix.

"Good," said the Dark Lord. He didn't want her sullied, least of all by Greyback. Not if she was going to become his… what would she be, he wondered. Certainly not a girlfriend. Mistress?

"Draco, how do you young people refer to a person with whom you are intimately engaged on a regular basis but not in a formal relationship?"

"Friend with benefits?" said Draco.

"Benefitsssss…" Hissed the Dark Lord. "Yes, that's it. But… friends? A friend is… perhaps too strong a word. How would one refer to a woman he takes to bed but not to dinner?"

"A whore?"

"Too vulgar. And implies payment."

"I don't know, then, my Lord. I suppose you could simply call her 'a fuck.'"

"I can't imagine your aunt will enjoy being referred to as 'a fuck.'"

"My aunt?" Draco went even paler; now he strongly resembled Professor Bins.

On screen, Greyback was snarling again. "I want a bloody woman."

"We all have wants," said Bellatrix dismissively, off-camera. "And it doesn't seem to matter whatwe want; we women always seem to end up with dogs."

"Indeed," said the Dark Lord. The screen went black. Draco pressed the fast forward button, but there did not appear to be any more to watch.

"Must be the end," he said. "Can't say I'm not glad it's over."

"How does this recording come about?" asked the Dark Lord.

"I…" Draco looked carefully at each button. "This one says record." He pressed it. The red button came on again. "I think, perhaps, this does it?"

The Dark Lord Accioed over a stool and sat upon it as most of the previously videos participants had. He smoothed his robes. "You can see me on the rectangle?"

"No," said Draco. "But I can see you through here, through this… er… this telescope." He was sure telescope was the wrong word for the viewfinder he was looking through, but it seemed close enough.

"Very well," said the Dark Lord. "Let's begin."

"Er… begin?"

"I am a man who needs no introduction."

"Are we… are you making a dating video?" asked Draco.

"Quiet, boy." He cleared his throat. Nagini curled up by his feet, resting her head on her coiled body. "I am a man in need of no introduction. Most are afraid to even speak my name: Lord Voldemort."

Draco shivered.

"I am seeking a woman."

"Bloody hell," whispered Draco. He should've opted to stay at school over the holiday.

"A woman who appreciates my genius, who fully supports my cause, who will support me even if it means great destruction for all she loves."

Neither of them noticed the drawing room door opening.

"A woman who enjoys torturing Muggles together, a woman who will not think twice about killing our common enemy, a woman who knows how to make a man feel like a man. A woman who is beautiful, loyal, and sadistic. One who will compliment me."

A woman stepped silently into the room, her eyes fixated on the Dark Lord.

"I want her to be my most faithful and devout follower, one who would not stop looking for me, or waiting for me, not even when the world looked bleakest, one willing to Crucio others into insanity simple for refusing to give up information about me. One willing to spend half a lifetime in prison for me. One who considers me her ideal man."

The woman in the doorway gasped.

"A woman with pale skin, wild, dark hair, a pure bloodline, a sham marriage, a trim figure, shapely hips, lovely breasts, soulful eyes… brown eyes framed by black lashes… heavy-lidded dark eyes that-"

"I LOVE YOU, TOO!" shouted Bellatrix. The Dark Lord swiveled on his stool to see her in the doorway.

"Bellatrix!"

"My Lord!"

"Come!" He held out his arms. She rushed into them. Their lips connected – well, technically, only she had lips… his hadn't quite managed to manifest during his return to having a body, much like his nose. Thankfully, other parts of his anatomy still worked. They kissed and caressed and seemingly forgot that Draco was even in the room.

"I wonder if I can Obliviate myself," said Draco. He glanced at Nagini. She stuck out her tongue, but not in that flicking way snakes do when they breath. She stuck out her tongue as if disgusted.

Leaving the camcorder behind, and quite content to never ever see it again, Draco rushed from the room. He turned at the doorway just in time to see the Dark Lord and Bellatrix, attached to each other as if fused together, slam against the wall, grasping at each other as his parents had in the recording.

"This is the worst day of my entire life," he said.

"This is the worst day of my entire life," echoed the voice of a girl. A young, pale, silver haired girl with large, bright eyes, a thin nose, and heart-shaped lips. A girl who looked little like neither of her parents, and yet, just a little like both. She switched off the telly. She stared at Draco.

He didn't look quite the same as he had in the video. He was a little heavier now, though not overweight, and his hair was thinner, though he did not have any noticeable bald spots.

"Why would you show me that?" she asked.

"You asked me how your parents came to be together," said Draco. He shrugged. "I showed you."

"I'm twelve!" the girl exclaimed. "You could have just told me they fell in love and lived happily ever after!"

"They're both dead."

"Until that part!" She plopped down on the couch. "Eww!"

They were visiting a small Muggle inn, the only place Draco knew they'd be able to find a VCR and a television, Muggle technology not found in Malfoy Manor… not in a long, long time.

"When Professor McGonagall told us where babies come from, she had a whole speech about watering cans and flowers. Not feathery masks and video dating!"

"Professor McGonagall doesn't have children," Draco pointed out. "Maybe she doesn't know how they're made."

"I'm never having children. Not after that." The girl stood and pantomimed vomiting.

"You'll change your mind," said Draco. "Shall we return to the Manor? Astoria wasn't feeling well when we left. I want to be back before the baby wakes from his nap."

"You realize I can never again look your parents in the face?"

"Relax." Draco rolled his eyes. He pulled the VHS tape from the VCR, shrunk it down to the size of a sickle, and put it in his pocket. "I fast-forwarded through all the parts you shouldn't see while you had your hands over your eyes."

"The entire video was nothing but 'parts I shouldn't see,'" she argued. "Though I suppose it's nice my mother thought my father was the ideal man… and my father thought she was beautiful, loyal, and sadistic."

"How romantic." Draco rolled his eyes. He held out his arm, ready to apparate. "Home, Delphini?"

"Alright," she said. "Wait, before we go… what are 'swingers'?"

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A/N:

Thanks for reading! Reviews always appreciated.

-AL