Once upon a time, there was a not-so-smart girl named Goldilocks. She was 15, and had little knowledge of what was in forests because she lived in Los Angeles her whole life before that. She thought it would be just like a city, except smaller and surrounded by a lot of trees. Her parents made her go on a walk through the forest because they didn't want her in the house, and needed to get some time to rest. She had long, curly blonde locks that reached her shoulders, which explained her dumbness. Everyone in her family with blonde hair was extremely dumb. She had dark green eyes that looked so fake it looked as if she just put colored contacts in her eyes.
She was skipping through the forest frantically and was wondering where the buildings were. She eventually came across a house that she perceived as a "cute coffee shop". She thought it was a little weird for it too look like that, and with nothing nearby, but she thought it was just design and location. She went inside, and called out to see if there was anyone in there, and if she could order anything. She eventually saw the three chairs with porridge sitting in front of each chair.
She tried the first chair, and it was metal broken up in silver panes. It was very large, and when she tried sitting in it she fell though one of the gaps in it, so she stood up and tried the porridge in front of it, and she screamed in pain. She saw a thermometer, and she measured the temperature. It was 148 degrees Fahrenheit. There was another char, medium sized, and looked like a recliner. When she sat down in it she sank, and she was almost suffocating. She jumped up from it, and tried the porridge, and her tongue froze. She checked the temperature again and it was -35 degrees Fahrenheit. She couldn't move her tongue, and waited for it to defrost. After it did, she sad down on the small chair. It was perfect. She tried the porridge. It was perfect. She yelped in excitement, and did a weird dance around the house. She jumped on the chair, and it broke. She stopped jumping and quickly ate the rest of the porridge.
She felt tired after all of the weird dancing, and felt like she needed a nap. She went up the stairs and plopped on the biggest bed. She broke some bones, and was mad. She corrected her bone, as she had a weird power where she could fix bones. She plopped on the next bed, and sank because it was so soft. She fell through the floor and walked back upstairs after she brushed herself off (Did I ever tell you she was overweight, she weighed 495 pounds). She eventually fell asleep in the bed she thought as perfect.
Later she woke up to the sound of yelling. She saw bears standing there, and she saw three bears. She had a knife that she always carried with her, and instead of using it to fight off the bears, she tried to cut a hole in the bed. Her attempt to escape failed, and she was caught by the bears. She burped in their faces, and her breath was so horrible that if they lingered there anymore, they would rot. They ran away, and dropped her, and she started crawling like a spider to get out of the house. She turned back and hissed at them when she got to the door, and excited. They mumbled to themselves about what a creepy and weird girl she was.
When Goldilocks got home, her parents sighed. They wished she was gone for more than 3 hours, and they had to deal with more of her weird, dumb antics once again. They lived a crazy life ever after. (With Goldilocks' cigarettes)