An Unexpected Party
The Dwarves soon began raiding Bilbo's' pantry. The poor creature scurried back and forth in a vain attempt to get the Dwarves to listen to him.
"Those are my plates! Excuse me! Not my wine. Put that back. Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please!" he was spinning in circles and then Bombur exited the pantry with three wheels of cheese.
"Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn't it? Have you got a cheese knife?"
Bofur walked past "cheese knife? He eats it by the block".
I had to move out of the way as Oin and Gloin brought chairs from another room.
That really upset Bilbo "no, no, that's Grandpa Mungo's chair! No, I'm sorry; you'll have to take it back please".
Oin gestured to his ear "I cannot hear what you're saying!" he was quite deaf.
"Take it back…it's antique, not for sitting on!"
Oin ignored him and proceeded to the dining room.
Bilbo headed off down the hall "that's a book, not a coaster. Put that map down, thank you".
The Dwarves went to and from the pantry at a good pace, and amidst the food Ori was placing crockery.
Dori approached Gandalf with a tray of tea "excuse me, Mr. Gandalf, can I tempt you with a nice cup of chamomile tea?"
The Wizard looked down and shook his head "oh, no thank you, Dori, a little red wine for me, I think".
Gandalf left the dining room and, trying to avoid the chandelier, began counting the Dwarves. "Fili, Kili" two young Dwarves with a barrel of ale smiled at the Wizard "Oin, Gloin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori…Ori".
Bilbo wrestled a bowl of tomatoes away from the small Dwarf exclaiming "not my prize winners!"
A fierce looking Dwarf with an axe fragment in his forehead started talking to the Wizard in a different language and he gestured to his arm.
"Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one Dwarf short". Gandalf turned to the bald Dwarf leaning against the wall.
"He is late, is all" Dwalin said "he travelled north to a meeting of our kin. He will come".
Dori appeared with a glass of wine "Mr. Gandalf?" the Wizard looked down "a little glass of red wine, as requested. It's, eh, got a fruity bouquet".
He handed the glass to Gandalf "ah, cheers" he drained it immediately and looked a little sad about it.
I realised I was going to miss out on any of the food and drink, so I quickly filled a plate and tankard and sat between Gandalf and Bofur at the table.
The Dwarves were having a grand feast and were throwing food at one another.
Bofur held up a boiled egg "Bombur, catch!" he threw it at his brother, who caught it in his mouth.
All the Dwarves cheered and threw more food around. I looked at Bilbo and felt a little bit sorry for him. He was looking at his bare pantry in a stupor while the Dwarves continued to make a mess of his dining room.
Fili, one of the younger Dwarves, stomped his way down the table carrying tankards of ale. "Who wants an ale?" he asked stepping on plates and knocking things over "here you go" he passed the ale around and sat back down.
Poor old Oin had his ear trumpet filled with ale by Dwalin and Bofur laughed so hard at what one of the others said, he fell backwards off his chair.
Once he'd righted himself someone yelled out "on the count of three! One!...Two!" they never made it to three as all the Dwarves went silent as they drained their tankards. Quite a messy business too, the ale spilt over their beards and down their fronts. Nori then let out a small burp, only to be outdone by Ori who stunned all the Dwarves with the size of his burp.
The Dwarves finished eating and started walking around; I refilled my tankard, and stood next to Bofur in front of the kitchen fire.
"Does this happen every time you sit down to eat?" I asked the Dwarf.
"It most certainly does, especially if we haven't seen each other in a while" Bofur turned towards me "so are you joining us on the journey then?" I nodded "well then if you don't mind, I appoint myself your expert guide to the ways of us Dwarves" he made a comical bow.
"Excuse me; that is a doily, not a dishcloth!" Bilbo grabbed a doily from Nori as the Dwarf went past.
"But it's full of holes!" Bofur chimed in as he straightened up.
"It's supposed to be like that, it's crochet" the Hobbit folded the doily.
"Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it" Bofur chortled as Bilbo started muttering to himself.
"Bebother and confusticate these Dwarves!" he put the doily down and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?" Gandalf came up next to the Hobbit.
"What's the matter? I'm surrounded by Dwarves. What are they doing here?" he was getting flustered.
"Oh, they're quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them" Gandalf smiled as Bofur grabbed the sausages from Nori and started a game of tug-of-war.
"I don't want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There's mud trod into the carpet, they've pillaged the pantry" Bilbo led Gandalf down the hallway "I'm not even going to tell you what they've done in the bathroom; they've all but destroyed the plumbing!"
I moved to the kitchen doorway so I could hear better.
"I don't understand what they're doing in my house!" I felt sorry for the Hobbit all over again.
Ori walked up to him and in a quite voice spoke "excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?" he looked at the plate in his hand and back up at Bilbo.
"Here you go, Ori, give it to me" Fili took the plate from Ori and threw it to his brother. Kili caught it and threw it past me to Bifur, who was standing at the sink. Soon there was crockery flying through the air from every direction. Gandalf and I had to duck out the way as dishes and cutlery flew past our heads.
"Excuse me! That's my mother's West Farthing crockery; it's over a hundred years old!" Bilbo's plea was ignored as more dishes were thrown at Bifur, who caught them without looking.
Bofur joined Nori, Dori and Gloin at the table, and drummed the table with some of the cutlery.
"Can you not do that? You'll blunt them" Bilbo demanded.
The remark got all the Dwarves smiling.
"Ooh, d'hear that lads? He says we'll blunt the knives" Bofur had a mischievous look to him as the Dwarves started singing.
"Blunt the knives; bend the forks
Smash the bottles and burn the corks.
Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Cut the cloth and tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat.
Poor the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door.
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole.
When you've finished, if any are whole
Send them down the hall to roll
…
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"
Everyone laughed when Bilbo rushed into the kitchen to find all his dishes clean and neatly stacked. The sound of three loud knocks on the door suddenly interrupted the laughter; everyone went silent.
"He is here" Gandalf announced as we all looked around.
He opened the door and light spilled out onto Thorin's imposing figure.
"Gandalf" he said in greeting as he made his way into the house "I thought you said this place would be easy to find".
I noticed some of the Dwarves bow their heads.
"I lost my way; twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door" Thorin took his cloak off and handed it to Kili before turning to face Gandalf.
"Mark? There's no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago!" Bilbo sounded exasperated.
"There is a mark; I put it there myself" Gandalf replied "Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield".
Thorin looked down at Bilbo "so this is the Hobbit. Tell me Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?"
Bilbo seemed uncomfortable "pardon me?"
"Axe or sword? What is your weapon of choice?" Thorin stood in front of Bilbo with his arms crossed, waiting for a reply.
"Well, I have some skill at Conkers, if you must know, but I fail to see why that's relevant" I hid a smile at the way he tried to seem tough.
"Thought as much" Thorin said "he looks more like a grocer than a burglar" all the Dwarves laughed as they made their way back to the dining table.
"What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?" Balin asked once they were all seated.
I stood against the doorframe, so Thorin could sit down.
"Aye. Envoys from all seven kingdoms" Thorin replied garnering a murmur of joy.
"What do the Dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?" Dwalin asked.
"They will not come" this news seemed to disappoint the Dwarves "they say this quest is ours and our alone" Thorin seemed almost sad as he ate his soup.
Bilbo came forward "you're going on a quest?"
Gandalf looked at him "Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light".
Bilbo brought a candle to the table and leant over the map Gandalf had placed there, I leant closer and felt my heart stir as I looked upon the small image of Dale.
"Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak" Gandalf said pointing his pipe at the map.
Bilbo leant a little closer "the Lonely Mountain" he stepped back.
"Aye" Gloin said "Oin has read the portents, and the portents say it is time" most of the Dwarves grumbled.
"Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold; 'when the birds of yore return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end'" Oin replied.
Bilbo looked concerned after hearing the word 'beast'. "Uh, what beast?" he asked.
"Well that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals…" Bofur replied.
"Yes I know what a dragon is" Bilbo seemed to turn pale at the thought of the dragon.
"I'm not afraid!" Ori stood up "I'm up for it. I'll give him a taste of Dwarvish iron right up his jacksie!"
Dori pulled his brother's arm "sit down!" he said.
"The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us. But we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest" Balin looked around the table as the dwarves started making noise again.
"Hey, who are you calling dim?" Nori's voice pushed through the rabble and I hid another smile.
"We may be few in number, but we're fighters, all of us, to the last Dwarf!" Fili slammed his fist on the table.
"And you forget we have a Wizard in our company. Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time" Kili added.
"Oh, well, now, uh, I-I-I wouldn't say that, I…" Gandalf tried to refute what Kili said but was overridden by Dori.
"How many then?"
Gandalf looked at him "uh, what?"
"Well, how many dragons have you killed?"
Gandalf started choking on his pipe smoke.
"Go on. Give us a number!" Dori was getting angry and it spread to the rest of the Dwarves.
Thorin stood up "Shazara! If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumours have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the Mountain, assessing, wondering; weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?" all the Dwarves cheered and Thorin sat down.
"You forget: the front gate is sealed. There is no way into the mountain" Balin argued back.
"That, my dear Balin; is not entirely true" Gandalf said producing an ornate key out of thin air.
"How came you by this?" Thorin asked in wonder.
"It was given to me by your father, by Thrain, for safekeeping. It is yours now" Gandalf handed the key to Thorin.
"If there is a key, there must be a door" Fili said looking around.
"These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls" Gandalf indicated the runes on the map with his pipe.
"There's another way in" Kili seemed pleased with his observation.
"Well if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth, and no small amount of courage. But, if we are careful and clever, I believe it can be done" Gandalf met everyone's eye.
"That's why we need a burglar" Ori piped up.
Bilbo nodded "a good one, to. An expert, I'd imagine".
Gloin leant forwards "and are you?" he asked.
"Am I what?' Bilbo seemed confused.
"He said he's an expert! Hey hey!" Oin seemed happy.
"M-me? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not a burglar; I've never stolen a thing in my life" Bilbo was getting more uncomfortable.
"I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material" Balin glanced at Bilbo; who nodded in agreement.
"Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who an neither fight nor fend for themselves" Dwalin looked Bilbo up and down and glanced at me as well.
The dwarves began arguing again until Gandalf stood up and cast a darkness over the room.
"Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he his" Gandalf sat back down and the shadow disappeared. "Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose. And while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf, the scent of a hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage" Gandalf looked at Thorin "you asked me to find the fifteenth member of this company, and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest, and he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself". Gandalf looked at Bilbo and then at me; he winked and I smiled to myself.
"Very well. We will do it your way" Thorin overrode Bilbo's objection and looked at Balin "give them the contracts".
"Alright, we're off!" Bofur seemed overjoyed as Balin stood up.
"It's just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration; funeral expenses, so forth" Balin gave one contract to Thorin; who thrust it at Bilbo, and one to me.
"Funeral arrangements?" Bilbo didn't like the sound of that as he stepped past me and started reading the contract.
Thorin stood up and leant close to Gandalf "I cannot guarantee his safety".
The Wizard nodded "understood".
"Nor will I be responsible for his fate".
Gandalf was quiet for a moment "agreed".
Next to me in the hall, Bilbo was reading parts of his contract out loud "terms: cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding one fifteenth of total profit, if any. Seems fair. Eh, present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof including but not limited to lacerations…evisceration…incineration?" Bilbo turned back to the Dwarves looking slightly scared.
"Oh, aye, he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye" Bofur didn't seem to realize Bilbo was starting to turn pale.
"You alright laddie?' Balin asked.
Bilbo bent over "uh, yeah…feel a bit faint".
Bofur stood up and moved to the doorway "think furnace with wings".
Bilbo was starting to turn green "air, I-I-I need air".
Bofur didn't seem to notice Bilbo's condition "flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You're nothing more than a pile of ash".
Bilbo straightened up and tried to compose himself "hmmm. Nope" he fell down to the floor in a faint.
I knelt down next to the unconscious Hobbit and picked him up.
Gandalf rose "very helpful, Bofur" the Wizard came over and showed me where I could put the Hobbit, so he could recover.
Once Bilbo was safe in his chair and supervised by Gandalf, I sat back down at the kitchen table and read through my contract. Bofur, Ori, Fili and Kili were also at the table and they kept looking at me. Being stared at made it difficult to focus "why are you staring at me?" I asked without looking up.
"Bofur says you're coming with us" I looked up when Ori spoke "and we were wondering why?"
I glanced around and couldn't see Thorin anywhere "Bofur's right, I am coming" I said "when Smaug burnt Dale he killed my great-grandparents parents" I took a deep breath "so I'm going to make sure that beast is destroyed before he decides to burn Lake Town as well".
"Why don't you want him to burn Lake Town?" Kili asked.
I looked at the young Dwarf and saw excitement in his eye; he couldn't wait to face a dragon.
"The rest of my family are living there and my brother has a young son" my heart fluttered as I remembered my sweet nephew's face.
Bilbo walked past and I heard the end of a conversation "there is no choice, Balin. Not for me" Thorin's voice issued from a passage near the kitchen.
"Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done" Balin replied.
All the Dwarves gathered in Bilbo's living room and I was left alone in the kitchen. I got up and hunted around in Bilbo's study for a pen and ink. I signed my contract and could hear the dwarves starting to hum a tune. It wasn't long before Thorin started singing.
"Far over the Misty Mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away ere break of day
To find out long-forgotten gold
The pines were roaring on the height
The winds were moaning in the night
The fire was red, it flaming spread
The trees like torches blazed with light"
I sought out Balin and handed him my contract.
"Welcome to the company lassie" he said patting my arm "would you be kind enough to see if Mr. Baggins is still awake".
I wandered off down the passage ways until I found Bilbo's room; I stuck my head around the door and saw he was sound asleep. I quietly closed his door and made my way back to Balin.
"Our little friend is sleeping like a babe" I looked around the house and grimaced at the mess "should we clean up and go back to the Green Dragon?" I asked.
"I think that would be a good idea" Balin agreed.
Bofur came up behind me and hooked an arm around mine "don't worry, we Dwarves are excellent at cleaning up after themselves" he dragged me to a chair "so you just sit there, while we take care of everything" he made a funny bow and disappeared into the pantry.
In half an hour Bilbo's house was as neat as it was before the Dwarves arrived and we were making ready to leave. After forcing bombur away from the bare pantry, we were making our way down the hill and back to our lodgings. I looked back at Bilbo's house and hoped he would come along.