Past Regrets
Written by: Erin
"Scoot over, dickhead."
Shaw cracked an eye open just as he thought he was about to finally fall asleep and turned his head slightly, even from where it lay on the ground, and watched silently as Raven nudged Murphy with the toe of her boot and dropped down beside him on a log. He smiled slightly at the duo and even from where he lay, he was still able to make out both of their faces in the darkness thanks to the flickering flames of the bonfire in front of them.
"Sure thing, your highness," Murphy snarked right back as he made room for her next to him and she nudged him lightly with her shoulder,
"I thought you'd be asleep by now."
"Can't sleep." She replied, lowering her hands towards the warmth of the fire and rubbing them together,
"Guess you can't either, right? Or else you'd be snoring away."
"I don't snore, Reyes," Murphy snorted,
"That's all Bellamy's doing."
"Right," Raven rolled her eyes and Shaw slightly chuckled to himself at their interaction,
"That's why I heard it coming from you and Emori's apartment, wasn't it? Because that noise I heard, it was like a freight train and it sure wasn't Emori-"
"Shut up," Murphy nudged her right back in the ribs.
Light laughter filled the night air and all Shaw heard now was the crackling of the fire and he was just starting to close his eyes again, knowing evesdropping on Raven's conversation with her friend was not right, when Raven spoke up again and he tilted his head once more in their direction.
"You've been quiet all evening," Raven commented,
"It's not like you." When Murphy said nothing and just shrugged his shoulders, Raven continued,
"We'll get back to Bellamy, Murphy; they'll be okay."
"I know," Was all her friend said and Shaw watched as the younger man wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the fire instead of at Raven.
"That's not what's bothering you though, is it?" Raven pushed.
Snorting again, Murphy glanced quickly at her before turning away,
"It's nothing, Reyes. As you said, we'll get back to them, Bellamy and the rest will be okay, we'll be okay..."
"Nice try, hotshot," Raven rolled her eyes to the black sky above them,
"Try again, only this time with the truth."
Shaw didn't even realize he was holding his breath as he listened intently to the conversation between the two. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but if he was being honest with himself, he knew that Raven and Murphy both would never let their guard down like this in front of him; they had a brother and sister like banter between them, one that only they could relate to and understand, yet he also knew how much they cared for one another and loved each other like only a sibling would.
And that was as obvious as day when McCreary had almost killed Murphy right in front of Raven back on the ship.
Raven's tears as she had pleaded for her friend's life and the pure rage that was was expressed on Murphy's face as he he had lunged at McCreary, even while gagged and having been tortured...he didn't even know these two or their relationship, but he knew this friendship was deep and they had a history.
And if, or rather when, they where serious around each other and showed how much they cared for the other, it was when nobody else was around.
There was a deep rooted history only they where a part of, one that he knew nothing about, and he wasn't about to barge in and put his nose in where it didn't belong. But he desperately wanted to know Raven better, and Murphy for that matter; and from the looks of it, this was a conversation that probably needed to happen between them and he wasn't going to interupt them by making his presence known.
"Did you tell him?"
Shaw's ears perked up at Murphy's question and he could practically sense Raven's confusion coming off of her in waves.
"Tell him what?"
"You know," Murphy responded quietly,
"What I did. Your leg..."
The question hung in the air and Shaw's confusion only grew as he waited for Raven's answer.
"No, of course I didn't," Raven's voice was all seriousness, no joking or snark was evident in her tone,
"That's not for him to know." When Murphy didn't respond with words, just a nod of his head, Raven continued,
"Murphy...I never even told Abby or Kane."
"You had every right to, you know-"
"It was between us," She interrupted firmly,
"It will always be just between us and nobody else."
"You still have a right to tell them...to tell him. Shaw, I mean."
"He doesn't know you like I do, Murph," Raven whispered back, giving his ribs a light nudge and Shaw could make out a light chuckle coming from the younger man, as if the response was an inside joke between them.
"You mean, knowing the cockroach?" Murphy snarked right back at her.
"Maybe. But you're my cockroach, alright?" A small sigh escaped Murphy's lips and Shaw opened both eyes now and he watched as Raven moved her hand to rest it on her friend's back,
"What's wrong?"
"How did you manage to do it?" Before Raven could question what he meant again, Murphy clarrified,
"Forgiving me...when I can't even forgive myself for doing that to you..."
Silence fell over the two and as Shaw tried to take all of this in - this was the last thing he had expected to hear - he watched as Raven moved her hand from Murphy's back and reached for him instead,
"Alright, you asked for it. Get over here."
"What are you talking about, Raven?" Murphy frowned at her outstretched arm and looked her up and down as if she had grown a second head.
"Shut up and get your ass over here, dick," She rolled her eyes at the still confused look on Murphy's face,
"Don't make me do it for you." A few more seconds passed before Shaw watched Murphy finally sigh and allowed himself to lean against Raven's side as her arm wrapped around his shoulders. Her hand rubbed up and down his arm as his head rested on her left shoulder,
"There. Now was that so hard, letting somebody be there for you?"
"Yeah," Murphy replied and Shaw expected more of the snarkfest to continue between them, but instead silence fell over them again.
"You understand that I forgave you years ago, don't you?"
"I know," Murphy replied into her shoulder,
"I know you did...I just don't understand why or how. You didn't have to, you know; you could have continued hating me for it, and I would have deserved it. You might have been able to forgive me, and...our family might have been able to, but what do you do when you can't forgive yourself for it?"
"You let those around you help you do that," Raven replied instantly, as if she already knew that he was feeling this way,
"You don't push Bellamy away; you don't push me away. You don't push Emori away. Bell and I are your closest friends, your family, and if you continue to push us away, we're gonna continue annoying you to no end until you give in." She gave his shoulder a small squeeze,
"You realize I never forgave myself for attempting to turn you over to the Grounders in place of Finn, right?"
"I never knew that."
"Bellamy has been helping me with that, but it's been taking me years, Murphy," She let out a long sigh as she turned her eyes to stare at the fire in front of them again,
"And Bellamy never forgave himself either for what he did to you, although he tries to act like he has. Monty still blames himself for Jasper, and Harper blames herself for almost giving up and hurting Monty, for allowing him to lose both of them. Emori...just between us, she blames herself for giving up on you and letting you go." At Murphy's silence, she added,
"She still loves you though, Murph."
"I don't understand-"
"She still loves you," Raven repeated, turning to look at his face and Shaw could see the deep urgency to help her friend written all over it,
"Your family loves you, Murphy." The flickering flames shown directly on Murphy and Raven's faces and even from where he lay, Shaw could just barely make out tear tracks on the younger man's cheeks,
"We're not blood related; none of us could ever replace your dad, John-"
"Raven, don't-"
"None of us could ever do that," Raven interrupted, her voice slightly rising,
"But your Spacekru family - Bellamy, Emori, Echo, Monty, Harper, me - we're your family now. And that won't change. I promise." Squeezing him closer to her, Raven smiled slightly to herself,
"Just don't go jumping on Bellamy's back like a spider monkey, alright, just because he came into your side of the ship. I think he's getting a bit too old for that."
The seriousness and weight of the conversation slowly lifting, Shaw couldn't stop a small smile from forming on his own face as he heard Murphy finally laugh and then shake his head, finally lifting it from Raven's shoulder.
"And if you ever say you're worthless again-"
"I know, I know, he's gonna put me in another headlock until I say it myself," Murphy grumbled under his breath, knowing this all too well,
"It's what he's been doing for 6 years."
"And he'll do it again." Winking at him, she added,
"And don't think I won't either. Because I've got a set of eyes, too; you're anything but worthless." Murphy started to open his mouth to object, but Raven's hand shot up and clamped over his mouth,
"I don't want to hear it. Don't make me do the same as what Bellamy does." She removed her hand from his mouth.
"It's not worth even trying to object, huh, Reyes?" He reached down to the ground and threw a few twiggs into the fire.
"Nope. Not even worth trying."
"It's time to pack up and move out; Bellamy will radio as they get closer," Echo's voice sounded from behind him and with a nod of his head, Shaw reached for the gun he kept by his side all night long and tucked it in his wasteband. He was just turning around when Raven's voice sounded from close by.
"Once this war is all over, you and Emori get to work on patching things up," Raven nudged Murphy's shoulder with her own as she was walking by, being sure to keep her voice low so that Emori couldn't hear,
"It all starts with talking and being real with each other." Meeting his eyes and giving him a knowing look, she nodded her head,
"You know I'm right."
Pretending like he didn't hear her, Shaw reached for his pack and swung it over his shoulder and turned just as Raven came up from behind him.
"You ready?"
"No, but none of us are," He replied honestly, looking over her shoulder as Murphy stepped up to Emori and the two shared a look with each other as they talked quietly to themselves. Unable to resist, he looked over at Raven,
"Is he okay?"
"Murphy?" Raven arched her eyebrow as she glanced over her shoulder at Murphy as he started to walk away with Emori right beside him,
"He's doing okay, why do you ask? Not to be blunt, but you don't even know Murphy."
Taken aback at the directness of her words, Shaw's eyes widened and he felt himself starting to stutter,
"Oh. Uh..."
An uncomfortable silence fell upon them and Raven frowned and narrowed her eyes. Reaching over and grabbing his upper arm, she walked him away and out of earshot,
"You overheard us talking last night, didn't you?"
Fulling expecting an earful and for Raven to snap at him, telling him to get out of her face and never talk to her again, Shaw knew that he couldn't lie to her and nodded his head, a look of slight guilt in his dark eyes,
"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, Raven..."
Sighing in annoyance, Raven held her head in her hands as she shook it then ran her fingers through her messy ponytail,
"How much did you hear?" At Shaw's silence, that was all the answers Raven needed,
"You heard everything."
"I promise you I won't say anything, to anyone or even to him." Raven's head whipped up to meet his eyes,
"I'm not that type of guy, Raven. I don't know the full story of what happened, but from what I did hear last night...you two have a long history."
"We do," Raven nodded her her head in confirmation,
"I'm sorry, but unless he's okay with it, I can't tell you everything-"
"And I'm not asking you to."
"I appreciate that," A look of relief washed over Raven's features,
"And don't say anything to him, don't tell him that you know...he still feels massive guilt and it's been years."
"I woudn't do that to him, Raven," He glanced over Raven's shoulder again as Murphy and Emori stopped up ahead and where now waiting for them with Echo beside them. The three where engaged in conversation now, the giant explossive gun Murphy was given yesterday clenched tightly in his hands,
"He's your friend and although I don't know him like you all do, I still care."
"He's like a little brother to me, Shaw," Raven lowered her voice and stared directly into his eyes,
"I love him, and I would put myself between him and the Wonkru army in an instant."
"I'm aware of that."
"Just so you know though," Raven continued seriously,
"Whatever happens between you and I from here on out, it will end if you say anything to anyone that isn't Spacekru."
"Understood."
"Although I know that you won't say anything," She added, arching her eyebrows up at him, attempting to make him understand that she wasn't angry; she was just serious,
"I told you before that you're not one of those guys, and I still stand by that. But you just need to be aware that it will be over between you and I faster then you can apologize if you say anything." As Shaw nodded his head in understanding, Raven smiled and then nodded over at her friends waiting up ahead,
"Then let's get going." She started to walk away, but stopped and turned back around to plant a kiss on his lips, cupping his face in her hands
"Thank you...by the way."
"For what?" Shaw was confused.
"For understanding. Not many guys would," Leaving it at that, the two started walking. There was a war that was about to start.
And friends to reunite with.