Act 01: chibi fun (suggested by TheDoctor1998)
Sauntering on stage, Colonel Jack O'Neill was the epitome of rugged badassery. His skillz were such that no one, least of all his enemies, were truly capable of understanding what he was capable of.
Suddenly he stopped, turning to the camera to shout "Fix your grammar!"
O'Neil shouted to no one, alone on the empty set. The praise of the masses sailed over his statuesque cranium.
"There's two Ls nimrod. Do I look like Kurt Russel to you?"
He shouted loudly, suddenly remembering his fling with Hathor.
"The Hathor thing isn't canon. Nice try."
O'Neill started spit shining his boots, now back in basic.
"Never gonna happen. Don't even think of trying that with Carter either. Although..."
The badass turned his thoughts away from his friend/platonic partner, since they were never officially made an item. Daniel/Carter on the other hand, though not canon either, was much better in this exceptionally humble totally-not-lying-through-his-teeth author.
"I can do that too. Watch this" suddenly a horde of Victoria's Secret models ran on stage, brandishing the goods.
*crack* Oneiils constant outcries wore on the patience of all his friends, who silently pressured him to stop talking smack about the fourth wall.
"Oh yeah? What're you gonna do wise guy?"
Watch and see you snarky jerk.
*̧̕͢͢p̵̡̧͠͠ǫ͘͞͞ǫ̢̡̡f̵́͞*
O'Neill sauntered on the empty set once again, but he recognized at once something was wrong. Glancing at a convenient mirror, he discovered what it was; The petty second rate fanfiction author had done as payback. Not quite the level of Thor's idea of what to do with ignorant and/or annoying Humans and Goa'uld, but nevertheless it took him aback.
His head was massive, almost half the size of his body. Said body was more doll-like, possessing stubby arms and legs. He had his non mission uniform on, appearing very much like it was spray painted on rather than being clothing. On top of all that, his features were now very cartoonish. Not the Simpsons art style, but more like the cheap Japanese cartoons on the Saturday morning time slots. Many men (and women) would have chosen this moment to begin screaming at the abomination in front of them.
Jack O'Neill was not most men (or women).
"Hmm..." he hummed thoughtfully, examining his new features. He tried flexing his arms, watching a misshapen lump appear on both arms. Next he tried a strut, pulling it off with decent grace. Off screen someone whistled leeringly, blatantly implying he was doing good. Finally he flashed a toothy smirk, making a flash sparkle over his tooth. O'Neill sealed the deal with a wink, hearing the sound of several women swooning at once.
"Not bad. Could do without the special effects, but eh." he shrugged.
Twisting on his heal, he strolled a whooping two paces before noticing Teal'c on the set with him. Like O'Neill, the stoic Jaffa and (almost) unparalleled badass was now horribly altered as well.
O'Neill thought over his approach, before shrugging again. "Hey Teal'c."
"O'Neill." Teal'c replied, sounding like a basso version of Spock. The way he talked back in the earlier seasons before Earth culture made him extra funny.
"Have you noticed something... weird going on? You know, italicize level strange?" O'Neill moved his stubby arms around as he spoke, humming thoughtfully. Blink went his first attempt, ploosh the second try.
"I have indeed O'Neill. It appears we have been turned into Chibis." Teal'c replied, impersonating a statue.
The abomination shaped Colonel frowned. "Chibi?"
"Japanese art style, defined by the wildly disproportionate body shapes. Including oversized heads." Teal'c explained lifelessly.
O'Neill planted his stubs on his hips. "How'd this happen? If it was the Ancients, I'm gonna start shooting." he stopped in surprise. "Bolding, how'd I do that?"
"I believe we are in what's known as an omake. It would also explain the overall illogic of this situation."
"Hmm, makes sense." O'Neill agreed, rubbing his giant chin thoughtfully. "By the way, can you see the fourth wall too?" he asked, pointing at the camera.
"I do. I am disturbed to think it has been there this entire time." he replied emptily. Internally both men wondered how many more adjectives they could use before they had to start repeating words.
Action! someone shouted from the other side of the fourth wall, the cue for the camera to pan back. It still showed O'Neill and Teal'c, both men now lost (only the former showed it, the latter could be a robot with how stoic he was), but now a chibi woman wearing a red dress leaped on screen, rubbing her hands together diabolically.
"Haha, now that I've reached this place, phase two of my evil scheme will now unfold! Soon, the entire world will be as hammy as me! Cinder Fall!" she proclaimed, snapping her fingers to remind the special effects guy. Seconds later a bolt of lightning struck somewhere behind her, probably a puppy orphanage because 'Cinder Fall uz Ebil!"
"There's that grammar thing again. And who talks like that? Honestly." O'Neill muttered.
Fortunately the real heroes (not SG-1 this time, they're supposed to be on vacation but somebody didn't read the memo. "Screw you." "Indeed.") arrived to save the day, crashing into the set while riding a scrap metal airship. The five chibified heroes leaped out of a tiny door, stylishly landing in a line to brandish gun-sword weapons at Cinder. Because in RWBY, its also a gun ("I greatly desire such a weapon." "Ditto.").
"We'll never let you get away with your evil plan!" shouted Ruby Rose dramatically.
"Yeah!" yelled Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna, and Yang Xiao Long, equally dramatically.
Cinder cackled crisply. "Fools! My ham plague has already claimed you!"
"We can still fight you anyway! The fights are the best part of the show anyway!" Ruby yelled.
"Yeah!" went her team again, since they left their characterization at home.
"You can try!" Cinder put on a Shaolin monk pose. "The five of you are no match for my power!"
"We'll see about that!" Ruby challenged, aiming her goofily proportioned sniper/scythe at the source of the ham. "Wait, five?"
Ruby turned her head, followed by Weiss, then Blake, then Yang. The four girls met eyes with the last member of their team, a chibi girl. She looked a little like a RWBY character, with her black twin pigtails, black long coat, a sword, and a glowing cannon thingy. Her fearsome expression turned into embarrassment when they stared at her in utter silence.
"Um, go team?" she weakly cheered.
"Who the heck are you?" Yang asked.
"I'm Mato Kuroi. You know, your teammate? Of team RWBY? Because I'm a RWBY character too?" she asked hopefully.
All four girls pointed off screen, showing disapproval."But I would make such a cool addition to the show, and I wouldn't have to deal with that yandere psycho that's after me." Mato protested.
None of the main characters relented. Mato sighed and slumped her shoulders, walking away slowly and very sadly. Once she was off the set, the team returned to their battle ready poses while the battle music from FF7 started playing.
*needle scratch*
"H-how!?" the girls exclaimed at once.
Cinder was on her back, utterly defeated while her eyes were replaced by large X's. Above her O'Neill stood triumphant, planting a boot on her chest while he flashed the special effect smile. In ten seconds the badass but otherwise mortal human had vanquished the second biggest villain in the series, all off screen.
"H-how!?" they repeated.
"Its called a plot hole kiddos." O'Neill explained, whipping out a- wait, WTF!? How!?
"Behold, the author's tablet. Now watch as I change the world for the better. Cue the music." he snapped his fingers, making the camera pan to Teal'c, now dressed like a rockstar. He started on stringing the guitar which was now in his hands, as a powerful voice of god began to sing.
"IN THE SKIES ABOVE THE ISLES, ACES IN EXILE PREVAIL!"
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"I underestimated him." How-Not-To-Do-Something slurred, downing a tall glass of booze in one gulp.
"It's all good." KisaragiKei reassured, noting how his goofy charge was starting to get really hammered. He glanced apprehensively at the single empty glass, wondering why he decided to drink away his problems. A moment later the teacher wondered why he didn't order a few shots too.
"I created them! Why don't they respect me!" How-Not-To-Do-Something whined, slamming his face against the table. KisaragiKei tried shaking him, but the lightweight was already out cold.
From a random door finstermunker walked in, raising a brow at the plastered author. "What'd I miss?"
KisaragiKei sighed. "He let his story get away from him, it'd be funny if it wasn't so ridiculous."
00000
Act 02: the pun off (suggested by CrazedGammaMan1721)
"Welcome to the tenth annual interstellar pun off competition!"
"Today is a special matchup ladies and gentlemen. In this corner, we have the three time champion and self proclaimed Lord of Snark, Colonel Jack O'Neill, here to defend his trophy. In that corner we have the Sun Dragon herself, Yang Xiao Long. I can see the crowd going wild already! Will O'Neill trounce the competition once again, or will the new kid usurp his throne?"
"Only one way to find out. Let the puns begin!"
...
...
...
Jaune lowered the paper, raising a brow to the other side of the table. "Why is it blank?"
"This sucks." Nora complained while she paced, flipping through her copy of the script. "I really wanted to see General O'Neill and Yang going pun to pun."
"You mean Colonel Danning." Ren corrected from his seat, flipping through his own copy with a frown.
"Yeah yeah, whatever. I still wanted to see those two going at it, pun to pun." the orange haired girl said sullenly.
"I'm not convinced that's altogether a good idea. Yang's puns can get..." Pyrrha trailed off instead of finishing, flipping through page after page. Sitting on the other side of the table, the creator shrugged apologetically.
Jaune cleared his throat. "Don't get me wrong, I do think the cross promotion between World of Remnant and Wormhole X-Treme is a neat idea. But," he looked away, choosing his wording carefully, "Why a pun off?"
"Its what happens when you run a poll on the net, you get one hundred thousand people clamoring for a crossover." Monty Oum explained.
"But a pun off." Jaune pressed. He glanced over his shoulder, getting a good look at the top of the Stargate through the glass.
"Old dartboard trick, and well." Monty waved a hand at the script. "It'd be a lot better if the writers hadn't gone on vacation before finishing this up."
"Hey, how about we invite Yang and O'Neill here to do a pun off?" Nora suggested brightly. Both Ren and Monty nodded thoughtfully.
"I did put in a request to visit Remnant, I'm just waiting on the Air Force to clear my papers." the latter offered hopefully.
"Yang would love to do this." Jaune thought aloud while he scanned the paper again. "I'm still amazed you managed to imitate her so well on WoR." he complimented again.
"Excusing some of the errors, you did fantastic with the entire project." Pyrrha added, finishing up with the notes for volume two and moving on to volume three.
Ren coughed. "The King Taijitu I killed during initiation was about a third smaller."
"Yeah, and I wasn't airborne as much, and Jaune was an even bigger dork." she playfully ignored his dry look, "But who cares? It was awesome." Nora pumped a fist, making the once small time animator smile.
"The first draft was a faithful copy of your reports, but the test audience really liked the high energy fights. Building a chain of events for the characters based off you did take a lot of work though." Monty explained.
"Won't argue there." Jaune leaned back in his seat.
Ren nodded in agreement. "From what I've read so far, you have done a sterling job. Especially with only our reports as material-"
"Why do I die?"
The three Huntsmen turned SGC personnel turned to their friend, while Oum gave the redhead a funny look. Pyrrha glanced up from the notes, a hollow expression on her features.
"Um, what?" Jaune in particular winced at her disturbed look.
"I die at the end of volume three. The Cinder Fall copy shoots an arrow through my character's chest then incinerates her. Why?" Pyrrha demanded coldly.
Monty cleared his throat. "Um, reading through your reports and the documents Beacon Academy sent over here, I determined that you were the most likely candidate out of the student body to replace the current maiden."
"Go on." Pyrrha said, leveling a dangerous look at the civilian. He coughed, sweat popping on his brow.
"And, uh, Cinder would've either had to kill you to get the power or kill you when you tried to stop her, so, it had to happen."
Pyrrha's brow narrowed, and she tossed her script across the table. "Change it."
Monty suddenly blinked, shock replacing his nervousness. "Wha?"
"You heard me. Fix it." Pyrrha commanded. He gawked at her, slack jawed.
"B-but, what? I can't just change that." he protested.
"Don't care, make me-" Ren cleared his throat, making her roll her eyes, "Make the character live."
"I-I can't! That event sets the tone for the next season, establishes and creates new character relationships and events for the next five volumes-" Monty gulped in indignation, "This literally affects the entire series!" he shouted, no longer afraid of the woman who could kill him with her pinky toe.
"Pyrrha, calm down, its just a show." Nora tried to console.
"Don't care." the redhead growled. "You built up her and the Jaune knockoff's relationship, and now you're gonna completely wreck all that, for what? Its stupid."
"It was never gonna happen anyway. Joel and Gem, um, the one based off Ruby, they were going to get together anyway. It was hinted at in the second episode, and frankly, he has better chemistry than with Thetis." Monty pointed out, upset that his life's work was being dismissed so easily.
Pyrrha glared sullenly at him, both Ren and Jaune preparing to stop her if she tried to lunge. But instead of freeing him from his mortal coil, she pushed her chair away to leave, stomping out of the conference room.
"I think she's mad." Nora stated the obvious. Jaune groaned, giving chase.
Meanwhile the civilian contractor, referred by Martin Lloyd as part of an effort to prepare the world for Disclosure, could only stare blankly. "What just happened?"
"Well." Ren cleared his throat. "You did read the mission reports from our team and SG-1, right?"
"I did, but there isn't much I could use for WoR outside of this crossover special." Monty answered, frowning.
"Then you know alternate realities are a thing." Ren went on, making Mr. Oum nod. "The thing is, we've encountered over a dozen over the years. I've met an alternate version of myself who's village was never destroyed for example."
"I understand, but I don't see the relevance here." Monty said, deepening his frow.
Nora chose that moment to jump into the conversation, using her unrivaled skill with subtlety. "Counting ours, there's two versions where she didn't die young. Its like the universe wanted her to kick the bucket." she explained with a shrug.
Before continuing Ren wiped his face, so to avoid groaning. Monty made an 'oh' expression. "Uh, okay. Thats... morbid."
"Yeah, its a sore topic for her." Ren finished.
"Yep." Nora agreed, suddenly brightening up. "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we write out this pun bomb instead of your script writers?"
Both men blanched. "Um..."
"Its a great idea, just watch!" Nora proclaimed. "It'll be a gate time!"
"That was painful." Monty mumbled after a moment.
00000
Act 03: don't touch! (suggested by Generalallenwalker)
"So, what is it?" questioned Nora, raising a brow at the box. Jaune and Pyrrha stood as close as she was, while Ren was busy examining the discovery.
After nearly four hours of scouting around a dusty ruin, Jaune was close to calling it quits and returning to Earth. That was until Ren stumbled upon a strange decorated chest, complete with four plain metal bars.
Pyrrha shifted her weight, looking over the top of the box for any details her friend could miss. "I think it looks familiar."
Jaune was rubbing his chin, mentally debating. "Same here. I swear I've seen something like this before, but I can't remember where."
"Wanna haul it back?" Nora asked.
"Hang on." Ren grunted while he stood up, briefly clapping his hands to shake off the dust. "I think I know what this is. Who made it anyway."
"Who?" asked Jaune interestedly, the girls nodding as well.
"This has the same design as the old artifacts at Area 51, some old rebel SG-1 bumped into years ago. I think his name was Machello." When he looked over his team, blank stares met him. The sable haired man sighed. "The anti Goa'uld devices? The body swapper?"
"Ooh that!" Nora said brightly, a smile coming over her. "I remember that report, General O'Neill and Teal'c swapped bodies for a day or something right?"
"I thought so. If I recall correctly, he made the machine in order to prolong his own life. To keep up the fight against the Goa'uld." Pyrrha commented, giving the box another look.
"Think it works?" Jaune asked instead, frowning thoughtfully.
Ren shrugged. "No idea. The only way to find out is by testing-"
"No." Jaune interrupted.
"-Which I know you're not going to approve of." Ren finished anyway.
"I dunno." Nora shrugged, "This could be a neat find. Besides, how are we gonna know if it works or not?"
Jaune could see the point the ginger girl was making; he would have almost believed she was sincere, if she didn't have a massive grin plastered over her features.
"Alright, we're taking the box back with us. But." he stopped Nora mid squeal, "We're gonna be very cautious with it. No direct contact." he told them.
Pyrrha cracked her knuckles, taking a breath. "Alright, allow me."
Ren quickly put himself in the way, brushing over the box. "Wait wait wait." he said frantically, fortunately making her stop. "We don't know what effect your semblance might have on the machine. It could break it, accidentally trigger it, or just blow up. We have to manually carry it." he stressed, making Pyrrha back off with her hands up.
Jaune just sighed. "This is gonna end badly." he muttered. When he looked up again, the blonde straightened himself up. "Okay. Hunt around, look for chains or something. Heavy duty stuff so we can lift it. Alright?"
"Ha, don't be such a wimp." Nora declared, grabbing the device before any of them could stop her.
Nora and Ren blinked at the same time, for a second both were blank faced. Then they snapped out of it, looking at themselves.
"Crap, I was afraid of this." Nora muttered, looking herself over without a hint of a smile.
Ren felt his face for a moment, before adopting the single largest smile any of them had ever seen. "I'm Ren now, awesome!"
Meanwhile Jaune and Pyrrha stared mutedly, eyeing the box first. 'Nora' noticed and crossed he arms, leveling a nonplussed look at them. "Look at that, it works."
Jaune pointed at 'her.' "Ren." he said weakly, Pyrrha managing only a puzzled nod.
She nodded, while the black haired man smirked. "This is cool, like seriously cool. Ooh, I've always wanted to feel what its like to have a-"
"Don't." All three of her friends warned the body swapped girl, stopping her from using the hand for nefarious purposes. It also made the perpetually calm man pout; somehow that sight was more disturbing than the orange haired girl being serious.
"You're no fun." Nora said sullenly, settling for playing with his hair instead.
Ren groaned and rubbed her temples. "Okay, if I remember right, we can't just swap back. We'll need another person to swap around with, two would be better."
"Oh nonono." Jaune stepped back, waving his hands in front of him. "No ones borrowing my body." he declared, making both of the women on his team narrow their eyes at him. Nora didn't, he was busy practicing karate moves instead of paying attention.
"Jaune, are you unwilling to help your friends out? The ones you swore to stand by to the end?" Pyrrha warned.
"But-"
"Especially since you still owe me after the spiked punch incident." Ren warned too, crossing her arms.
The blonde sputtered, drooping in utter despair. "Fine." he agreed sullenly.
When both the girls pointed to the box, Jaune reluctantly dragged himself along to a set of bars. An overly dramatic sigh preceded him grabbing the bars, plainly uncomfortable with what was about to happen. Nora ceased his attempt to be a ninja when he saw his leader complying. Before either of the girls could stop him, the swapped girl squeed and darted over, grabbing the opposite bars.
Both men blinked; 'Jaune' looked down at himself and giggled maniacally. "Yay, I'm in charge now!" Nora yelled, leaping in joy.
Meanwhile 'Ren' had a pleasantly surprised expression while he worked his limbs. "Hey, this isn't so bad."
"Your turn." the actual Ren said, shoving Pyrrha forward. The redhead coughed nervously, briefly hesitating before grabbing the bars. Jaune touched the other side, creating a third repeat of the blinking game.
"Oh." went Jaune, pausing to marvel at being (if only for a few moments) the onetime champion. She gave her chest a look, trying desperately to resist the opportunity.
Meanwhile Pyrrha flexed his new hand, giving the unfamiliar sensations an appraisal. He didn't have time to do much, since Nora grew bored of his new leadership to quickly get them to swap. Now that she had the chance, Ren grabbed the bars before Nora could let go, switching them.
A few seconds later the team stopped the game of musical bodies, looking around in confusion.
"Okay, who's who?" 'Pyrrha' asked.
"I'm Nora!" proclaimed the orange haired girl.
"Back to normal." said Ren, softly smiling at being where he belonged.
"Um..." 'Jaune' cleared his throat pointedly, making the redhead wince. Together they grabbed the bars, swapping for what they hoped would be the last time.
"Okay, that's better." Pyrrha smiled, exhaling in relief.
Jaune nodded as well, patting himself over quickly. "Alright, that went easier than I expected."
"Hey, question." Nora spoke up, pointing at the box. "How are we supposed to move it now?"
In the deserted room, on an empty planet, the four huntsmen turned SG team turned from each other to the box. Jaune was the first to slap his face, and the first to groan.
00000
Act 04: Tea time (yours truly)
Cinder stared. Normally the mastermind turned Maiden was immune to petty things such as shock, she didn't get to where she was by doing a howler monkey impression to every little thing which seemed out of the ordinary after all. Otherwise she would have never gone beyond Mercury, let alone Beacon.
"Cinder." the dark witch herself, Salem, greeted neutrally while holding a tea cup.
"Miss Fall." said the man obscured in black robes, his voice sounding unnatural. In his hand was a tea cup as well.
The woman was on her way to deliver a report to her master, uninformed that there was a guest in the decrepit castle. One Salem had apparently decided to entertain over some tea.
"My apologies Cinder, it slipped my mind to inform you of our guest." Salem said with something vaguely resembling human regret in her voice.
"I am Anubis. I came here to discuss business with your master." the robed man rumbled.
"He is quite polite. We were conversing about a potential arrangement which could benefit us both, perhaps you wish to join us?" Salem offered.
Cinder dropped the couple of papers on the table, spun in place, and strode out just slowly enough to avoid outright running. Both Salem and Anubis watched the fleeing woman with puzzlement, although neither had a readable expression to show it.
"Your servant is rather flighty." Anubis noted.
"A consequence of your arrival I would guess. This won't affect matters, will it?" Salem turned to question coolly.
"Not at all. Now, shall we?" the System Lord invited.
"Let's begin." the Witch agreed.
Oh dark powers I want him, thought Salem, showing nothing.
Oh my me she's hot, thought Anubis, suddenly glad he had no face.
It was highly fortunate there were no mind readers for thousands of kilometers of the Castle. Even if there was, they would not have lived much longer, not after hearing that exchange.
00000
A/N: So... yeah. That happened.
Guest: I really wish you'd leave a name, so I don't have to use a roundabout means of replying like this. I will say you are right, but remember; I know my glacial update speed makes it seem a long time, but the events of the past eleven chapters have occurred over the course of only six hours or so. Ruby had her entire world shook up in less time than an average workday, so she's understandably going to be a little off kilter. Give the poor girl some time, then she'll be back to normal.
B/N: Welp I drank a little bit too much of the strawberry sunrise. I'm going to have to handle this myself and rush to my fic I'm working on. I'm on about ch 10 of my fic, Don't worry fellas, it'll be out when I hit chapter 15... or never. Just be glad HNTDS isn't jumping into the crazier omakes.