Chapter 22 – Reality

BPOV

Jacques was now locked in the earth, healing. It was such an ordeal he went through. Though he assured me that it wasn't my fault why he was hurt, but I couldn't help but feel that way. Carlisle's surgical procedure worked; he was able to remove the talons from Jacques's chest. Gregori placed his healing energy over Jacques's heart to help prevent any more damage. There were deep furrows in his heart, piercing a chamber. My lifemate truly had a broken heart and it was because of me.

During the procedure, Edward allowed some mercy and I saw everything through his mind. Carlisle moved with preternatural speed to remove the talons from Jacques's body. He had to take great care not to open more vessels. Too much blood was already lost. The talons were fuse with the vampire's power. Even with him dead, the vampire was trying to kill Jacques. Aidan helped by wiping the infected wounds with healing poultices. Carlisle removed the talons. They were horribly long, gnarled, pointed and tipped in Jacques's blood. My face fell into my hands as I saw them. Jacques's skin was white and pale; looking more reminiscent to the Cullens. He was in desperate need of blood. Jacques was as still as death. There was no movement of breath within him and the aching separation was beginning to fill me.

Mikhail's hand rested on my shoulder while we waited. My leg bounced, clacking my heel on the floor. Be calm, *sisar. All will be well. I can still feel my brother's light. He has not left us. Tears sprang from my eyes, I know, Mikhail. But I'm still scared.

I was caught in my brother's arms while he let me cry on his shoulder. Mikhail hated to see Jacques injured as much as I did. It was his younger brother, the one he swore to protect. Mikhail did all he could for Jacques, but I was supposed to guard his heart and soul and I failed.

No, Bella. It is you who is keeping him here. Do not ever believe you failed my brother. He needs you more than anything else in this world. I need you to remember this, Bella.

Mikhail's resolve was unmoving. He wasn't going to allow me to drown myself in sorrow. Feigning a smile, I nodded. The doors to the study opened and Gregori's skin was grey. He used a great deal of energy. He breathed slowly and looked at me, "Jacques requires more healing. Bella, we must take him to the Healing Caverns. There was poison in his veins that was pulling the talon into Jacques's body." My throat shut and I couldn't breathe.

Behind Gregori, I saw the still form of my lifemate, lying on an operating table. Every eye in the room was on me, but I couldn't say anything. I only stared at my husband's still form. Mikhail was the first to move, taking up one of the talons from their silver tray, studying them with his eyes. Carlisle took another, sniffing at it, "The poison here is a strong one. It would take much more studying to come up with the antidote." Aidan and Carlisle spoke about the antidote, while Gregori and Mikhail tried to convince me that Jacques would need the healing earth in the Caverns.

Their words were falling on deaf ears. I could only see Jacques's motionless form. Blood pumped in my legs and I finally willed myself to walk over to Jacques's side. I took his hand in mine, waiting for his fingers to squeeze mine in reassurance. Jacques, honey?

His skin was cold and there was no response from him. I was waiting for him to smile at me, to make light of the situation just to make me laugh, but there was nothing. Tears burned my eyes as I leaned over him to kiss his still lips, Please answer me. I knew they were right, but I felt like I was lost. Gregori placed his hand on my shoulder, "Bella, let us place Jacques in the earth. The soil in the Healing Caverns is the most potent source." I only nodded slowly; Gregori was right. My Jacques was a strong man and he would come back to me. Our family would be together again. The coolness of Jacques's skin was not shaking me from my thoughts. He was going to be fine. My hand began to tremble as I held his. Jacques, look at me. I was pleading with this still form. There was no connection of our minds and it was scaring me. They wanted to place my husband in the earth; they wanted to bury him. He wasn't dead!

Reality slapped me out of my reverie when I felt Jacques's hand being taken out of mine. No! I reached for Jacques when Mikhail and Carlisle started to move him. Aidan looked at me, "It will be alright. Jacques requires the earth." My lips trembled and my breathing quickened, "Why are you burying him? He's not dead, Aidan!" They were taking him from me. Aidan caught me in his arms, stopping me for following them, No, they can't take him from me! I knew I wasn't making sense, but this wasn't right. Jacques and I weren't supposed to be apart. Jacques knew I would go to earth with him, but I couldn't. Jacques warned me that he would have to go into the earth after this, but he didn't want me to go with him. I swore to him that I would remain here to comfort our children, but I was already facing the grief of our separation. No, we couldn't be apart. I pushed against Aidan's hold, No, they cannot take him. Jacques is supposed to stay with me. I couldn't face this again. I couldn't be taken away from the one I loved. I have already endured this pain before and I don't want to go through it again. Jacques, wake up. They're keeping us apart.

There was a strong push against my mind and my body fell limply, almost hitting the floor. Forgive me, Bella, but you need to rest.

Mikhail used his strength and I was too weak to resist, Mikhail, don't do this to me.

The familiar scent of my bedchamber was the first thing to reregister in my mind. That was all I allowed. I didn't let my mind wonder further than waking up. Memories of yesterday began to drift in but I pushed them away. The weight on my heart was heavy, but if I thought about yesterday, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. I couldn't crumple on the floor and eye my eyes out. I wanted to but I couldn't, I wouldn't do that. I thought about how I spoke to Mikhail yesterday and I had to apologize. I was scared; that's it. Don't go any further.

An arm was thrown over me and I jumped. Emmett was sleeping next to me and Alice was on his other side. Emmett never was a quiet sleeper. I brushed my hand over his hair and kissed his forehead; he was having a bad dream. I let my memories of the river slip into his mind. I let him relive the happy, quiet time we spent together. I didn't allow him to relieve the whole attack. Alice was quietly sleeping, her dreams about herself and Savannah. She was so much like me; she pushed away bad things until she was ready to face them.

Getting out of bed, I walked into the bathroom. I didn't want to look at myself while searching for my hairbrush. Everything was too quiet and it was eerie. There was no movement, conversation or laughing. It felt like everything around me was dead. I groaned, Stop being dramatic, Bella. You rose earlier than anyone else, which is what you always do, since the children were born.

I always rose early, because Jacques would be here and…. I breathed through my mouth. It's alright. Wake up and get to your routine. Something thudded upstairs and my heart skipped at the thought I didn't want to acknowledge but sprang to the forefront of my mind; Jacques!

He's home already. My mind conjured up my robe and I half ran from the room. The halls passed me in a blur as I ran to the floor above. He was home and healed. Thank goodness because I couldn't face our separation anymore. I felt like I was a zombie again; just going to the motions but never realizing what I was doing. That was over now. I was scared to face this separation. Raven told me it was one of the worse feelings she's ever faced and she wouldn't wish it on anyone. She was concerned for me and how I was going to cope. I know I told Jacques that I could handle it, but I was having second thoughts. I have faced what it is like to be left by the one you love, but I didn't want to endure that again. Edward had no idea what it was like for me after he left and I would never tell him. Jacques knew all too well what I endured and he didn't want me to face it again.

My smile grew as I got closer; there were voices whispering. Jacques, honey?

The study doors opened and I gasped. My heart dropped and I felt hollow. "Emmett?" Emmett? Emmett! Where is Jacques? He's supposed to be here. Emmett hugged my shoulders, "Hey Bell, you're up early. Where are the wonder twins?" My eyes pricked, but I forced a laugh, "Still in bed. I always get up early. Now answer my question." Emmett gestured down the hall to the children's library. Emmett walked with me, guiding me to the children's playroom. The noise I heard was a heavy box being dropped on the floor. Emmett, Jasper and Alice were all here, to expand the room. It was a promise they made the children. The surprise was delayed by the vampire attack. They were taking this chance to complete it.

Esme was humming as she came into the room, holding faux flowers, "Oh Bella, dear, you're awake. Don't tell the children about this. It's a surprise." My eyes scanned the room, seeing the differences but I didn't care. I did what I said I wouldn't do. I hoped to see Jacques. Emmett noticed my rigid stance as I tried to breathe. Esme took my hand, "Bella, honey, calm down. Jacques is fine. He is healing. Carlisle is seeing to him right now." I looked up into her golden eyes, but I didn't speak. I was so stupid to believe he would be home so soon. Jacques told me he would need to stay in the earth for a while.

You are not stupid my angel. His voice was in my head, but it wasn't him. My mind was holding onto him so much that it gave me some comfort. I was able to hear him. I blinked a few times, "I know, Esme. I should get dressed and wake up the kids. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me." Alice was watching me and I smiled, "Stop worrying, Alice. I'll be alright. I'll be back up soon."

I left the room feeling thoroughly defeated. My heart shattered as I drudged back to my bedchamber. I allowed myself to hope to see Jacques sooner than expected. My mind reached out to him and I felt nothing in return. Why, why, why did I do that? I knew he wasn't here; it wasn't possible, but I hoped. I deserve to be smacked for believing that for one second Jacques was home before he said he would be.

You cannot completely blame yourself. Jacques does that a lot. When he leaves, he always comes home early for us. My rational side was only a small voice that didn't give me much comfort.

The twins were still sleeping and it was once again quiet and lonely. Don't you do it, don't you do it. I was not going to reach out to him. I knew he was sleeping and was unreachable. I looked at our bed, seeing our children. I found myself smiling as I recalled all four of us lying together. Alice and Emmett were much smaller and sleeping between myself and Jacques. Emmett's shaggy head would be lying on my chest and Alice was snuggled up in her father's arms. Jacques used to tell me he loved having a daughter because she was a smaller version of me. A little girl he could spoil and she would always be happy before real responsibilities took over her life.

My body fell against the wall as I realize that it was only the twins in bed. Turning quickly, I closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower. If I was going to do this, I didn't want anyone to hear me or see me. The steam from the shower began to billow to the ceiling, which made it perfect. Stripping my clothes, I stepped into the cascading water. The hot water told me that I really was awake and this was really happening. Jacques, where are you?

Tears spilled down my face as I cried. I cried and sobbed heavily, hoping that no one heard me, not even Esme or Alice. Would Jasper feel my emotions from here? My chest heaved heavily as I cried uncontrollably. This had to stop. The shower washed away my tears. The pain of this separation was far worse than I thought. How was I going to get through this?