Chapter 23 – Confusion & Truth
BPOV
The shower helped and so did my crying. I walked into my closet and pulled out a dress. My eyebrow arched as I looked at the swirling skirt of light pink. I hate pink, but Jacques loved me in the color. I decided on a pair of jeans and a light top. He wasn't here to oppose my wearing jeans. Moving at human speed, I dressed slowly. Doing things the human way; more time consuming.
"Mom?" My head leaned out the closet as I pulled on my top. Emmett was sitting up and looking around the room. His hair was a complete mess as I looked at him. "Shh," he followed my gaze to his still sleeping sister. I walked over to his side of the bed and kissed his forehead, "Good rising, sweetheart." Emmett threw his arms around me, "Mom, I am so sorry. Please believe me; I would never do anything to hurt you. I tried to make myself stop but that woman's hold was too strong." Emmett's hug was almost crushing me. He really was getting stronger. I kissed him again and brushed back his hair, "I know it wasn't you. Don't worry yourself about it anymore. You're safe with me again."
Alice sighed and rolled over, "I am trying to sleep here." My smile grew as Alice tugged at the blanket. I nudged her, "No, it's time to wake up." She groaned again, then tugged Emmett's pillow and pulled it over her head, "No, it's not, Momma." Emmett, who was feeling better, threw his weight on his sister. Alice groaned loudly, having the breath knocked out of her, "Get off me, you ape-boy!"
I laughed loudly as the twins thrashed at each other. Alice was mad and started hitting her brother, but Emmett was catching her hands. I clapped my hands loudly, "Enough now. Get up, both of you. Change out of your pajamas, meet me in the kitchen so you can feed, then onto your lessons. Move it out, now!"
Alice and Emmett grumbled as they got out of my bed. Emmett nudged Alice, "Race ya!" He sprinted from the room, but Alice past him in a single bound, "Second born, second place." "Come on!" Emmett bellowed. I laughed as I sat back down on the bed. I found myself laughing still as I moved to make up the bed by hand; something I hadn't done in a long time. The children were helping me. I wasn't sad when I was with them.
Their infectious laughter was working on me as we drank from our reserves of blood. Alice and Emmett knew that their father was healing, but I didn't tell them what happened. All they need to know was that he needed to heal. "There are my sleepyheads," Raven came into the kitchen, with Savannah on her hip. Alice took Savannah from her aunt. Raven kissed both the twins, then her eyes fell on me, How are you holding up?
I turned from her to start making Savannah's mixture, I'm alright. I felt like hell when I woke up, but the children are helping me keep my mind off it.
Raven watched me, I know you did. I felt it when you were crying. Keeping these emotions bottled up is not going to help you.
I don't want the kids to see me crying. They don't need to worry about their father any more than they need to.
Raven bit her lip, Alright. But if you need to cry, scream, anything, I'll take the kids and keep them busy.
I laughed, Raven, I'm not a teenager anymore. Thank God for that. I can keep my emotions in check. I've cried already, so I am moving on.
If I didn't know you, I would think you were a man in a previous life.
I threw a kitchen towel at Raven, "Here's Van's mix." Alice took up the bottle and fed her cousin, "I'll do it."
Raven didn't know, no one else knew that Jasper was really helping me. He was toning down my emotions from this whole thing. He couldn't completely keep the emotions away from me, but I was feeling a lot better than I was earlier. He didn't need to ask; Jasper just kept them down for me so that I could function. Alice sat Savannah on the counter in front of her and she continued drinking off her mixture.
The children went on with their routine; lessons, breaks and feeding. They had their routine, but mine was off. I sat in the kitchen alone, holding a coffee mug. Alice and Emmett began their lessons and I was having difficulty breathing. My fingers gripped the mug in my hand as I tried to make myself breathe. Slow deep breaths were becoming a task. God, snap out of it! He's fine! The mug shattered in my grip and I winced. Dammit. A shard was stuck in my palm. I bit my lip as I took out the bloody piece and threw it away. "Bella?" I looked up to hear someone coming down the hallway. My tongue drifted over the wound and it sealed itself before Rosalie came into the kitchen.
She sniffed at the air, smelling the blood. There was a drop of blood on the counter. "Careless and I broke a mug. Go, I'll take care of it." Rosalie nodded, "Jasper said he wanted to play chess and he was hoping you play." I nodded quickly, "Sure, be right there." Idiot, idiot, idiot! The bleach stung my nose as I cleaned up the speck of blood. I had to get it together or I was going to fall apart. Falling apart was not an option for me. I refused, refused to go back to 'zombie mode.' That was hard enough to get out of on my own, but now I had children. How would it look to them that their mother cannot function without their father around? I could not let Alice see me like that. She may be concerned that she would be like that if she was ever separated from her lifemate.
I left the kitchen and went to face everyone. No more hiding. Time to get back to being normal. Jasper took my hand and pulled me into the study, "Sit." The table jostled a bit from the force Jasper pushed on me, "You move first." He was making me play chess on purpose. "Why? You always beat me." Jasper cut me a look that sent a shiver down my spine. It was rare when I saw the Cullens as predators. I shook my head and moved a piece across the board, "I hope you don't cheat like Raven does." Jasper shook his head, "I don't need to."
A large cushion hit my back, "I don't cheat!" My sister yelled and stormed out the door. I rolled my eyes and kept playing, "Drama queen." It was difficult to keep my impulses under control. My mind was still seeking Jacques's and getting nothing. "Bella?" I looked up at Jasper. He glanced at my hands, which were trembling as I stared at the chessboard. "I'm fine," Jasper continued to look at him. He didn't believe my feeble lie. I bit my lip, still feeling his eyes on me, "Stop looking at me. I'm alright."
Jasper only folded his arms and continued to stare. I stared back at him. He wanted a staring contest, that's what he was going to get. His brow twitched as he watched me, but I remained still. Rosalie walked by, pausing for a moment, "I don't even want to know." I tore my eyes away for Jasper's gaze, trying to keep myself together. He tipped his head to the side, "Let's go for a walk." I nodded, needing something to make the time go by and having a staring contest or losing at chess wasn't going to do it. I rose from my seat slowly and walked with Jasper. He held open the door for me, "By the way, I win." I scoffed and smacked his arm, "I let you win."
Raven had the children in the courtyard, keeping them happy while they played. She tried not to look at me, feigning that she was upset with me. They played and laughed all under the watchful eyes of Gregori, Aidan and Emmett. Everyone's defenses were on high since the attack, especially around the children. Mikhail watched as Jasper and I walked. "Just taking her out for a moment," Jasper explained. I shook my head and walked ahead of them. What was I, a pet that needed to be walked? I knew Mikhail was worried about me. Part of me wanted to throw myself into the earth and cut myself off from everyone, but I couldn't do that. Well, why couldn't I? The children would understand and our family was here for them.
I have to stay because they need their mother. That is what you told and promised Jacques. I groaned to myself as my mind; the rational was arguing with the irrational. I didn't know which part to let win. The scent of trees and the sound of rustling leaves called to me. I could run. Go to the Healing Caverns and find Jacques.
Jasper guided me outside the exterior wall, through the gardens. My eyes scanned our surroundings; I could make it and find him. Jacques wasn't far. Jasper caught my arm, "Don't think about it, Bella. Mikhail wants you to stay close to home for your own safety. Besides, I can feel your sudden determination, which is never a good thing." My breath came and went slowly, "Fine, Jasper." Jasper was worried about me, so he told me what he was experiencing from my emotions.
I listened to him intently, "Your emotions are similar to a grieving widow's. It feels as if you've completely lost your husband and he's not coming back." I nodded as he hit the nail on the head, "That's exactly how I feel. I try to keep myself rational, but it's hard." Jasper jumped up and sat on a high boulder. He looked down at me as I stood on the ground. The rich soil was entering my pores, helping my body. I was thirsty, but I was ignoring my own needs to keep up my front. Jasper ran his hand through his hair, "If I let you feel the complete weight of these emotions, I fear what it will do to you. I am trying to keep it off you, but your higher emotions are something I've never experienced. I know you, Bella. You're a rational woman, however, with these strong feelings, I would fear how you would be. I know you want to find Jacques, but you promised him that you would be here for the twins."
I bit my lip and leaned against the boulder Jasper was perched upon, "If you allowed me to completely feel it, knowing me, I would probably just shut down. This has happened to me before. It was when Edward left; I was just numb. I didn't speak to people. I just withdrew into myself. And I had one nightmare that haunted me so much I would wake up screaming every night."
Jasper said nothing hearing that. I don't think he knew about my nightmares. "I had no idea it was that bad for you. Alice told me of her visions of you screaming and the night when we left, she saw you getting yourself lost looking for Edward. I am sorry for what you went through because I couldn't control myself." I smiled up at him, "Jasper, if I could get over it, I think you can too. Things happened the way they did for a reason. I was meant to come here and have the life I am living. I may have my children and they would be human, but we would be haunted. Any stray vampire could have come across my scent and hunt me. At least this way, I can defend myself and I have you all back in my life. I am happier this way."
Jasper was helping get my mind off my grief and I appreciated it. I told him more about my zombie mode, "It took me a long time to get myself better. Going to college, being somewhere different helped. There was a time when I never wanted to leave Forks, because it felt like that if I did, the memories of you and your family would be nothing more than a dream. But I made myself go. Leaving Forks forced me to finally let Edward go, which is what I had to do. College turned out to be wonderful and so did graduate school. Then I came here and I found my life."
I looked up to see Jasper staring off into the trees, "You handled it better than Edward did. He was very withdrawn from us. It wasn't until Alice told us what was happening to you, he was existing; not living. When Alice spoke about her visions, it felt like a switch went on his mind and Edward was back. He was determined to make you safe again." Jasper explained that he was happy to see his brother living, going from day to day with a purpose again. "I was with Edward when we got the call that you were found by Aidan and he was relieved. However, when she described how Aidan and your bodies shifted down to a bird, he thought something was completely wrong. He was concerned that you were caught in a world that you didn't belong in; much like our world. Carlisle explained to us what the Carpathian people were and it was possible you weren't human anymore. Edward was furious." I blinked, "Why?"
"I was mad because that wasn't what I wanted for you," Edward emerged from the trees, glaring at Jasper. "You couldn't keep it to yourself, could you, Jas?" Jasper shrugged, "Did I ever say I would?" Jasper leaped through the trees and disappeared over the hill. I laughed as I watched him run, "You can get him later."
Edward wasn't happy that I learned these things about him. Since meeting Jacques, he made it a point to not spend much time around me, especially when I was alone. Inhaling slowly, my depression was sinking in again. Oh no, I was doing better, but with Jasper being further away, his influence went with him. I breathed through my mouth slowly, trying not to be upset. Along with the taste of earth on my tongue, there was a richer flavor that made me thirsty. Edward showed that he was holding a donated blood bag, "Here, Mikhail said you didn't feed tonight. You need to keep up your strength."
I took the bag from him and drank from the tube. The blood was practically fresh and it helped quench my thirst. The bag was empty and crumpled up in my hand, "Thank you." I leaned my back against the boulder, heaving long breaths. I wanted to start crying. Jacques was gone and I was never going to see him again.
Yes, you are, my angel. My eyes snapped opened as I heard his voice in my head. Edward looked at me, "He's awake?" I shook my head, "No, that was just my imagination. This has happened to me before." I swept away a tear from my cheek, "It's my mind playing tricks. I could be going crazy." Edward leaned his head to the side, "You're not going crazy. I've gone through something similar to that myself. It went on for a long time."
My eyes met his and then we both knew; we used to hear each other's voices. "Let's talk about it. We've never really talked about the time we spent away from each other." Edward turned away from me, "I don't think that's a good idea." My hand rested on his shoulder, "Edward, please. We move around each other; avoiding each other. That's not like us. It's worse than when you were trying to ignore me when we first met. We're like opposite magnets. We move around each other, never meeting."
His gold eyes turned on me, "How do you do that? You say something and you change my mind?" I smiled at him, "Practice." He laughed and leaned against the boulder. We spent hours, just talking. He told me about his travels, hearing my voice haunting him and seeing my face. I told him about Laurent, Victoria, Jacob's secret, graduating and moving out. It was hard for the both of us.
We saw each other's memories. Things were strange from his perspective but I saw what a feat it was for him to be with me. Edward never thought he was worthy of being cared for. If there was one thing about our relationship, Edward and I learned how to love and know we can be loved in return.
