March 4, 2015

Today was a hectic (but still great!) day. Ritsu was with me for most of the day because he'd been on the verge of a panic attack (not an uncommon thing for poor Ritsu). The panic attack was due to his mother being sick with a cold and her anxiety was too much for him to handle. Although I didn't want to pry into his business, he told me that his mother often saw every itch as scabies, every cough meant impending pneumonia, every cut meant an infection that could result in an amputation.

Frankly, I tried to hide my horror as he told me this. It also made me feel very sad. How difficult it must be for Ritsu and his mother to live in constant fear, I thought.

Anyway, dearest Ritsu was, sadly, a wreck even though he was away from his mother. I had chosen a nearby park that Yuki had once taken me to (and yes, there were violets in the gardens there). There were others walking along the sidewalks that circled the lake and the playgrounds. As soon as we arrived, Ritsu seemed to walk with a straighter back and he looked me in the eye more as we spoke. It made me feel so good to see him away from negativity for a change. I know in my heart that Ritsu may never be a calm person. Life has made him who he is today and that's the person he is stuck with. But that doesn't mean he can't still be happy. Or at least content.

I have to admit, as we walked side by side, I peeked at him every now and then. I was always a bit attracted to Ritsu's warm toffee brown hair. It was thin and mousey, but it was still so neatly combed and pretty. I tried to act like I didn't notice the blush on his face as I looked straight ahead again. We hadn't spoken much on our walk, although I had tried to make conversation, asking him things about the future and how school has been. I didn't want to say anything that may trigger his panic attacks.

Then I thought of something. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but I thought to myself, if I have good intentions it should be okay. Besides, what harm can it really do? So I reached for Ritsu's hand, taking him by surprise.

That's an understatement.

He actually tore his hand out of mine and stumbled backwards, away from me and off of the sidewalk. I cried out his name, realizing that he was about to hurt himself.

He fell against a tree, hit his back against it hard. I had my hands over my mouth as I gasped and felt regretful tears begin to fill my eyes.

"Ritsu!" I cried out. "I'm so sorry. A-Are you okay?"

Ritsu groaned as he pushed himself away from the tree, and rubbed his back a little. He looked up at me dazedly before his eyes widened into saucers.

The apologies that poured from his mouth should have been expected.

He fell to the floor on bent knees and leaned down against the ground, begging me for my forgiveness. He called himself a demon for being so rude as to snatch his hand back the way that he had. He said his mother was right about him, that he was destined to be a failure, a nervous wreck who could never make friends much less fall in love.

I could only stand and stare down at his form below me. My heart was racing as my palms began to sweat. Normally, I was unfazed by Ritsu's anxiety. But something about today touched a nerve. Perhaps…

Perhaps I see a bit of myself in Ritsu. And it scares me a little.

Without thinking, I dropped myself so that I was at Ritsu's level. I inhaled deeply even as he continued apologizing. I then tentatively reached a hand for one of his that was on the ground.

"Ritsu..." I said, as calmly as I could.

He didn't even hear me as he continued.

My hand paused, hovering hesitantly over his. It felt wrong somehow. Like I was intruding on something - or someone - that should be left alone.

Ritsu stiffened, his head still lowered and on the ground. He must have sensed my hand reaching for his again, I thought. I was now mesmerized by something other than his princess-like hair. His entire body shook so hard that I could see it. People had been walking past us, turning around to look, and some had even pointed and laughed. I didn't care, though. I just felt pity for Ritsu. Something I knew wasn't a nice thing to feel. Who wanted to be pitied?

But right now, that didn't matter.

I felt a connection with this person who apologized so much. Who was under his mother's command and couldn't find the strength within himself to escape it.

Ritsu finally raised his face the slightest bit, just enough so that we made eye contact. His eyes were red and tears were streaming down his face, dripping from his chin to the dirt below.

"I'm…I'm sorry Tohru," he whispered, his voice soft and husky. His eyes lowered shamefully again to the ground.

"I'm sorry too," I said.

He looked up at me again, surprised.

"I was being selfish," I said. "I should have understood that you might not feel comfortable holding my hand. I..."

I paused, thinking. Ritsu's large eyes stared at me as though he were confronted by God himself.

Finally, I smiled and realized what I felt needed to be said. "I want you to know, Ritsu, that I believe in you. You're a strong person just for coming out here today. I know you're afraid of people, but just coming this far is amazing."

Ritsu's face paled and he looked at me with something different now. It was...

It was admiration.

"Tohru..." he began.

"No," I interrupted, smiling broadly at him. "You don't have to say anything, okay? I can take you home if you want."

Ritsu paused a moment before nodding. I held my hand out to him without thinking.

Before I could snatch it back, Ritsu reached for it quickly, taking hold of it tightly as he stood up. His hand was so slick with sweat that I could feel my own hand slipping a little in its tight grip. His kimono had dirt all over the knees and lower half.

Somehow, neither of us mentioned any of this as we walked back to his house. And it felt comfortable. It felt really nice, diary.