Chapter 13

This time, he voluntarily abandoned the farm and rejoined reality. He took stock of his situation. His breathing had evened out and his heart seemed to be beating correctly again. He tested the strength of his muscles. How were they? Would they hold him? Could he force them to do what he wanted them to do? He tensed and felt the trembling. So they were weak, but he could do things. This might be the time to try. After all, what did he have to lose? What would they do? Kill him?

Decision made, he lay there, gathering his strength for one major burst of effort. If it failed... Well, he would still be in the same situation. They didn't want to kill him. Not yet. If he succeeded, he'd be free of all this.

...and he could hope that, if what his mother had taught him was right, that God might forgive some of what he'd done. Maybe, like King David, he could hope for eventual salvation, even if he had to suffer in Hell, first.

He lay where he was, straining his ears to hear when his captors would arrive.

He didn't care how long it took, but eventually, he heard the tread of someone coming to open the door. He went limp, not wanting to reveal what he was planning.

The door opened. He opened his eyes and saw the gun the man was carrying. Perfect. A knife might work, but it would be harder to succeed as quickly as he would need to.

As the man leaned over him, no sense of concern, suddenly, he made a fist and punched the man right in the face. As his captor reeled backward, he forced his abused muscles to work. He surged upward and managed another punch to the face. The man was down for the count. As quickly as he could, he grabbed for the gun.

He kicked the door to the cell closed and brought the gun to his head.

Ready to end it all.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim parked the car and he and Tony took the evidence they'd collected in to Abby.

She was there waiting.

"So what do you have, oh, lead agent?" she asked.

Tim smiled. "Guess what I have, Abbs."

"Accelerant?"

"Possibly. Better than that, though."

Abby raised her eyebrow, Gibbs style.

"What?"

Tim lifted the bags with the doorknobs.

"Fingerprints from doorknobs that were in the fire! And exposed to the elements for about a week!"

"Really?"

Interested in spite of herself, Tim could see, Abby snatched the bags from him and signed for them. Then, she took them over and began the process of getting as much detail as she could to run through IAFIS.

"Worth it?" Tim asked.

"Maybe. It's interesting, at least." Then, Abby looked up at him. "Tim, why do you want to do this for him?"

"Because he needs me to," Tim said.

"That's not the only reason," Abby said. "I can see it in your face."

Tim smiled a little. Abby was very perceptive when she wanted to be.

"That's the only reason I'm giving because that's the only reason that should be required."

"Touché," Abby said. "Well, I'll do my best. Gibbs and Ziva already gave me other stuff to process and I'm ruling out fingerprints we don't need."

"Sounds great. Can I watch?"

Abby grinned. "You probably have other things to do, since you're the one in charge."

"Probably."

"You know I can do this, Tim."

"I know, Abbs. I'm just hoping that something will come of this."

"Well, I probably won't get any hits until tomorrow."

"I know."

"Then, you should go home."

"Not until after I check with the others. Thanks for what you're doing, Abby."

Abby leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"I'm doing it for you, Tim."

"I know."

Tim left the lab and headed back up to the bullpen. He knew that there wasn't much more they could do tonight, but he wanted to see how everything was going so far. Then, he would feel that he could go home and see Tamara without feeling guilty. He stepped off the elevator and saw Gibbs, Tony and Ziva talking.

"Hey, guys," he said. "What's up?"

"Just talking about what we've done so far," Tony said. "So far, we know that someone was probably watching the Carews before they left."

"Any sign of people checking out the information on the cabin?" Tim asked.

"None that Abby has found so far," Ziva said. "I doubt anything will come of what we found in the house."

"Yeah. I would think they'd have realized if someone was in their house."

"Exactly."

"Do we keep working on the assumption that he's alive?" Tony asked.

"Yes," Gibbs said. "If they wanted him dead, they would have just killed him."

"But the question is whether they want information or revenge," Tim said. "Revenge will end eventually, but Levi is good at not telling what he knows. They could hold him for a long time without getting anything from him."

"If that's the goal."

"There's one thing about that, though," Tim said.

"What is it?" Ziva asked.

"Once, Levi said that his value decreased dramatically after his retirement. There were few secrets that anyone could use. So if someone does want information, will he even have it?"

"If they don't, how long would they keep the revenge thing going?" Tony asked. "At some point, they'll want it to be over, won't they?"

"Yeah. I just don't know if we should focus on the reason or just on the person who took him."

"To some degree, the person who took him will be dependent on the reason," Gibbs pointed out.

"I know." Tim sighed. "Well, Abby's got the samples running. There's not much we can do until we get those results and see if we have any help. It's late enough to go...unless you have something else, Boss?"

There was a small smile as Gibbs shook his head and walked back to his desk. Tony and Ziva took that as a sign they could leave.

"Want to come with us, McGee?" Tony asked. "Get a drink and relax a little?"

"No. I'd better get home so I can tell Tamara what's happening so far and I know Zahara will want to know what's going on. Thanks, though."

"Your loss!" Tony said, but he grinned.

Tim just waved him off. Ziva went with him. Tim watched them go and then walked back to his desk to get his things.

"McGee."

He turned. "Yeah, Boss? Did it go okay?"

"Fine," Gibbs said. "Why have you tried to understand Carew?"

Tim shrugged and didn't answer. He bent over to pick up his bag, but he heard Gibbs stand up.

"No, McGee. This isn't just about finding him now. You know Carew, probably better than anyone besides his wife. Why?"

Tim didn't turn around and he still didn't answer.

"Is this about what you learned when you were in Yemen?"

"Not really. That was...the beginning, but not the reason."

"Then, why?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you, of all people, should be the one not wanting any contact with him. You should be the one who hates him, who wishes you never had to see him again, and you used to feel that way."

"I also used to be so afraid of losing everything that mattered to me that I was ready to implode. Things change."

"Why?" Gibbs asked again.

Tim didn't want to get into this, in part because he was sure that, even if he tried to explain it, no one would really understand. They had all decided how he should be reacting and since he wasn't, they thought it was wrong.

"I don't think you'll understand."

"You think we can't because we haven't..."

Tim turned around and interrupted Gibbs.

"No, it's not that I think you can't. I think that you won't because you don't want to. I think you want me to feel the way you do, and I don't."

"How do you feel?" Gibbs asked.

"I started to see something more to him than just what I hated. And then...when I went to Morocco, I called in the favor he said he owed me. Initially, it was just me getting away and getting rid of what he said. But then, I realized that, favor or not, he would have helped me when I asked. He went far beyond what I asked for. And then, Zahara said that he told her some things. Levi said that he owed me more than he could ever repay, but he also had to try to repay, even if he couldn't succeed. I've been reevaluating what kind of person he is. Levi isn't normal. I think the life he's lived has made that impossible, but he was the kind of person who loved his family and was loved by them. He also has very firm views on what is right and wrong and he refuses to compromise. His way of dealing with the decisions he made was to cut himself off from everything and everyone he cared about and put all of himself into his ultimate goal. I do understand him, more than I originally planned, and the more I understand who he is, the less I hate him and the more I feel that I can forgive what he's done to me, eventually. ...and I want him to get his life back."

There was a silence. Gibbs said nothing. He just stared. Tim felt compelled to add one more thing.

"And I'm not interested in being convinced to feel otherwise. I don't care if you guys don't like him. I don't care if you wish he was dead. I'm not going to try to tell you to feel some other way than you do. There are plenty of valid reasons to hate Levi Carew. He has made it extremely easy to do it. Just don't bother trying to force me to hate him because I don't and I won't. I've let that go and I'm not going to hold onto it again."

"You think we would?"

"Yes," Tim said without any hesitation. "Yes, I do because I could see you thinking that I'm somehow avoiding reality because I don't feel the same way. I've done that before, and I know the difference between avoiding reality and shaping my own reality."

"You've said your piece?"

Tim smiled. "I only said anything because you insisted on it, Boss. I would have kept it to myself because I don't think you understand, even now. I can see it in your eyes. You want to argue, but you aren't going to."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow. "You think we don't care how you feel?"

"I think you care, but I think you think how I feel is wrong," Tim said, bluntly. "And it's not. How I feel is not wrong."

Tim could see that Gibbs didn't believe him, but he was completely sure of himself and so he just nodded once, gathered up his stuff and headed for the elevator.

"See you tomorrow, Boss," he said.

"Night, McGee."

Tim left the building and headed for home. Along the way, he got a call.

From Daniel.

He answered quickly.

"Hey, Daniel."

"You certainly know how to make me curious. What's going on, Tim?"

"You ready to possibly be dragged into something off the record?"

"My whole working life is off the record, Tim. That's nothing new."

"True. Levi Carew has been abducted and I'm trying to find him. Want to help?"

"Wow, Tim. You don't do anything by halves, do you."

"Not in the last ten years or so."

"I'm only here temporarily, and the CIA can't investigate."

"I know. Technically, I shouldn't be, either. I'm just doing it anyway and Director Shepard is looking the other way. For now. I don't know how long that will last."

"I see. Well...what do you want from me?"

"I'm not sure, really, but I think we have a limited time frame to do this and the more minds bent to it, the better."

"I can see that. So...what are you doing so far?"

"Just the basics. If you have any ideas of where to start looking..."

"I get it. Well, let me do some checking around. It might take a few days, though."

"I understand. Whatever you can do. I'll take what help I can get."

"Gotcha. I'll do my best. Talk to you later. Might actually be nice to get my mind on something else."

"Thanks, Daniel."

"You're welcome."

They both hung up and Tim continued home, glad to have at least one person helping him without any real reservation. Or at least none he was admitting to. It was a nice change. When he got home, he went up, hoping that Tamara wouldn't be disappointed that they didn't have anything solid yet.

He could smell dinner as soon as he stepped through the door.

"I'm home," he said, and savored that he had someone who could hear him say that and be glad.

Zahara hurried over to him from the kitchen as Jethro ran over and started jumping around. Tim petted him and then straightened to greet Zahara. She hugged him tightly and then looked him in the eye.

"Well?" she asked.

"We're still just getting started. I'm hoping that there will be something by tomorrow. Abby's running a bunch of prints and other evidence. It just can't all get done at once."

Tamara came out of the spare room. He could see the hope in her eyes.

"I wish I had something definite to tell you, Tamara," Tim said. "But we're just getting started. We went out to your cabin this morning and got some prints. If they're readable, then, I may have people to ask you about tomorrow."

"I'll take what I can get," Tamara said, nodding. "Thank you."

"Dinner will be ready soon, Tim," Zahara said. "You can change."

Tim nodded and was glad to set aside the stress of the day as much as possible.