Apology

Hermione swallowed hard as she placed her hand on the doorknob. She took a deep breath and muttered, "Okay, relax."

She knocked on the door and heard, "Come in!"

She tentatively opened the door and peeked her head inside. She saw Valdore sitting behind his desk, covered in a mountain of books and papers. She saw his head down scribbling on a piece of parchment before he looked up.

"Ah," he said neutrally. He put his quill down and waved her inside, "Come in. Come in."

"I hope I'm not disturbing you?"

He shook his head and massaged his hands, "Not at all. Just grading the last of my seventh years' work and could use the break," he gestured to the seat across the desk and stood to go to the drink cart, "Please have a seat."

Hermione sat down and shook her head at his silent offer of a drink, "So what can I do for you that I couldn't have guessed from Luna's mood?"

Hermione gave him a small embarrassed smile, "You heard?"

He sat down in the seat next to her with a sigh, "In vivid detail," he took a sip, "Can I ask a tough question?"

"Sure," she replied, already knowing what was coming.

"What the hell were you thinking saying those things to her, of all people?" he asked in a tone that was still neutral, but had a slight edge to it.

Hermione groaned and dropped her head, "I know. I acted like a complete idiot!" she looked back at him worried, "I have no clue why I said those things. I never meant to say them."

He shrugged, "Well, regardless of whether you meant it or not, you said them and now vexed your best friend."

"I know," she whispered in regret.

He set his drink down, "Look, Hermione. I'm not going to take sides in this," he let out a heavy sigh, "I wasn't there when all of this happened and the only stake I have in this is my love for Luna."

Hermione nodded and Valdore continued, "I cannot imagine for one second what your pain must be like," his tone became sympathetic, "And I'm not sure I'd wish that pain on anyone, but she does have that same pain. I've seen it for a couple of years now. It's just she took a stand to fight it, accept it, and learn from it."

Hermione clenched her jaw holding back an angry retort, but she knew he was right. Luna had moved on with her life and accepted the things that could not be changed.

"Well I have a living reminder that I cannot move forward."

There was a brief moment of silence before he spoke, "True. For her it was a lot easier. Neville, Ginny, and Ron died and they were buried," he picked up his glass, "She might feel differently if Ron was lying in a hospital room with no memory or ability to do anything, like Harry is now."

Hermione gave him a quick flash of anger at his seemingly callous tone before understanding he was agreeing with her, "It's not something I'd want her to go through."

"Agreed," he said quickly and sipped his drink, "But there is a bit of blame on her side too. She might forget from time to time that he's still alive," he held up a finger to stop Hermione from speaking, "But I am not making excuses for her. I would only be guessing that she feels that he is gone from this world. Maybe in spirit, which you know Luna… spirit is what she feels is the person."

Hermione nodded, "I know she feels that way and I do agree with her."

"To a point."

She nodded, "To a point," she took a deep breath, "Hard to believe it when he's still here physically."

He put his glass down, "Look. She is royally pissed at you, but this is not something insurmountable," he smiled at her, "You have been friends for years. You can forgive each other, and I happen to know this is killing her too."

"Can I share something with you?" she looked at him and received a silent nod, "I'm not as strong as people think I am."

He snorted, "You seem pretty strong to me," he said, not convinced.

"Hardly," she shook her head and fiddled with her bracelet, "I'm a coward more than anything."

He looked at her befuddled, "I'm confused. Why a coward? Based on what I know about you and having known you and become your friend, coward would be the last thing I would say you are."

Her tone was ironic, "Luna's the strong one. She was able to move on. I didn't and almost paid the price," she looked at him, "You know I was almost sent to St. Mungo's?"

He nodded, "Luna mentioned it to me."

"I was a mess," she fidgeted with her hands again, "More than a mess. I wasn't eating, sleeping, or taking care of myself. I was driven with obsession with finding a way to get Harry back. Luna, my parents, the Weasley's… they had to step in."

Her eyes lost their focus and Valdore knew she was remembering those days, "But you did get past that, right?" he asked quietly.

Her eyes refocused on him and she shook her head, "Not really. I wrote the book hoping that it would help me heal."

"And did it?"

She shook her head, "Not as much as I hoped."

"But how does that relate to you being a coward?"

"I can't move on past That Day. I wasn't joking when I said a part of me died then," she took a ragged breath, controlling her emotions as best she could, "A huge part of me really."

He stayed quiet and let her continue, "To move forward means I have to accept defeat," she looked at him with frightened eyes, "I can't do that."

He took a deep breath, "Again, I cannot imagine the pain, but a coward?" he shook his head with a look of disagreement, "Letting go of the past is a courageous act, but not one of defeat."

"I guess if I do let go of the past, then I let him go too," she said quietly, "And I don't want to let him go."

"Hermione, there's a big difference between letting go of someone and moving forward with your life and just letting him go like you throwing out an old shoe. I am fairly certain that he's not an old shoe, and you wouldn't be forgetting him," he paused, "Besides, you will never let him, or the others go, they will always be here," he tapped his heart.

She nodded, "Then I guess I need to start moving forward?"

He smiled at her, "Yes, but you won't have to do it alone. I happen to know woman who would jump at the chance to be there for you. And quite honestly, has been there for you all this time without hesitation."

Hermione gave him a soft grin and then lost the grin and groaned, "I feel so awful for what I did to her!"

"And you should," he said with a nod of agreement, "But you also should seek forgiveness."

She nodded, "I best go speak with her."

"She's in one of the greenhouses," he said as if he was waiting for this, "Greenhouse 4 if I remember right. I'm sure no one will be there when you get there."

v

"Luna?"

She stepped in the doorway, "Luna?" she called out again.

"By the Shrivelfig, in the back," came the hidden, muffled voice.

Hermione walked around the various plants heading to the back of the greenhouse. As she turned the last corner, she saw Luna, on her knees, pruning a small potted Shrivelfig. She heard her friend humming softly a tune she thought she remembered, but couldn't place.

"It's beautiful," Hermione said as she knelt down next to Luna.

"It is," came Luna's reply. Her tone was neutral, but not cold. She snipped a dying branch from the plant and held the purple fruit gingerly, "Professor Sprout lets me help maintain the plants and this little fellow was in need of some maintenance."

"Well he has the best person for that job," Hermione said sincerely.

They fell into silence, an uncomfortable silence for Hermione. She watched as Luna kept trimming the Shrivelfig and knew she needed to begin.

She reached out and stilled Luna's hands, forcing the woman to stop and look at her in some confusion, "Luna, please stop."

Hermione took a deep breath and looked at her friend, "I'm so sorry for what I said and what happened the other night. I was a complete prat and you didn't deserve anything that I said and did."

Luna went to take a breath, "Please let me continue," Hermione interrupted, "I know this is not an excuse, but I have had a lot on my mind for a long while now and I have had a lot of trouble expressing myself," she paused before correcting herself, "Expressing my pain, to anyone."

She gripped Luna's hands, "And you of all people should be the last person I try and shut out and upset over this. We both have lost so much," her voice caught in her throat, "And I should be turning to you for help and support and be there for you when you need help and support."

She stopped speaking and looked into her friend's face, which was neutral and Hermione got nervous she wasn't going to get forgiveness, "You're right… I haven't moved on. And I have kept some of you with me in my past, not letting you move on, which is wrong of me, and unfair to you" she shrugged, "Again, this is not an excuse, but to me he's still here."

She started silently crying when she said, "Somedays, I wish he did die like Ron or Ginny," she wept, "At least I could let him go."

Luna watched her friend wipe away her tears.

Hermione looked at her, "But it's still no excuse for what happened. You are my best friend. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you," she smiled at Luna, "I would hope that we can be friends again, you can forgive me and help me move forward. I need your help to do that. I know I can't do it without your help, if you're willing."

Luna stayed silent for a moment thinking about what Hermione had said. She then quietly spoke, "What you said did hurt me and I'm happy that you realize that you've been living in the past still. Yes, you do need to move on, but you must be ready to do so," she gripped Hermione's hands, "I do apologize to for what I said too."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Hermione said quickly, "I was the one who hurt my best friend."

After a few moments, Luna pulled Hermione into a hug and held her tight, "Of course we are still friends, Hermione. That will never change no matter what. You're my best friend through thick and thin."

Hermione just nodded into Luna's shoulder and held her tight. After a few more moments, they broke their hug and Luna smiled at her friend.

"You always have my support and of course I will help you move forward when you're willing," Luna said.

Hermione nodded, "When I get back."

Luna confirmed the unspoken question, "I'll be here."

The two friends spent the rest of the afternoon, until dinner, tending to the plants in the greenhouse. Laughing, talking, and healing as old friends do.

v

"Well I'm ready," she stopped herself short, "Well Aberforth says I'm ready, but I'm not quite sure."

Hermione sat back in her chair and looked at the calm features of Harry Potter, lying in his bed, for a moment. She had come here the morning after her apology to Luna. She needed to tell him what was happening. She needed to speak to him.

"I hate waiting as you know," she chuckled, "Here I am, Miss. Hurry-Up-And-Wait. Somethings don't change, huh?"

"I wish he'd just do something and get it over with," she said with a bit of frustration in her voice, "I'd love to know what he's thinking right now."

She got up and brushed the hair from his eyes, "I know you'd be chomping at the bit to do something too. I guess we're a perfect match there."

She sat down on the edge of his bed as her smile slowly faded, "I'm scared Harry. I don't know if I'm really ready. I know I would feel loads more confident if you were with me, by my side," her voice dropped to a whisper, "Then I would know that we would have a fighting chance."

"I know I'll have to watch you go again," she looked at him, "I'm not sure I can handle that, but Luna says she'll be here for me and help me through it."

She gave his hand a squeeze, "You'd be proud of her, Harry. She's doing great and finally found someone to love. I'm sure Valdore will pop the question soon, and about bloody time too."

She leaned over and kissed his lips, "In case I don't come back," she sat back and looked the man that meant more than the world to her, "I love you, Harry Potter. And no amount of time can ever come between us."