Chapter 19

Tim drove to Dr. Hicks' office, his mind only half on his earlier fear. He was thinking more about the thought that had come to him as he was talking about Jorgenson. The others might resent that he didn't want to talk about it to them, but he needed to hear what Dr. Hicks thought about it.

He parked and hurried inside. The door to Dr. Hicks' office was open.

"Dr. Hicks?" he called.

Dr. Hicks leaned into view.

"Come on back, Tim. I sent Sherry home already so I kept the door open. I wanted to hear you come in."

Tim nodded and walked into the inner office, closing the door behind him.

"Have a seat," Dr. Hicks said.

He was already sitting and his own feet were propped up. Tim noticed.

"Bad tonight?" he asked.

"Yes, they are," Dr. Hicks said. "I've already taken some painkillers. I won't be driving home tonight." He smiled. "But I promise I'm not that impaired."

Tim laughed. "Good."

"Now, tell me what's going on."

"Okay. Tamara Carew showed up at my house a few days ago."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

They'd left him alone long enough that his heart was beating normally and he felt like he could breathe without a struggle. What that had done was leave him feeling genuinely tired.

Did he want to sleep? It was dark outside, he now noticed. Actually, noticing anything was becoming a rarity. They were probably hoping that he would feel the pain more if they gave him time away from it. From a physical standpoint, that was likely the case, but the stronger he was, the easier it was to escape the physical.

Maybe, this was the mercy he'd pled for. Maybe God really did hear him and care enough to give him this reprieve from the pain. That was a good sign. Would God give him the only thing he really wanted? It was ridiculous, but he was going to die here anyway. He didn't know how long they'd wait, but that was surely the endgame. He had no illusion of being kept alive even in this state for long. His captor, whoever he was, ultimately wanted him dead.

So what did he have to lose?

He closed his eyes and began to say his own prayer, not a psalm this time. It was a hopeless, ridiculous prayer, but that didn't matter.

Bring Tamara back to life. I would give up my own life if she could have hers.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"And it really took me by surprise," Tim said. "I haven't had that fear in a long time."

"Well, what is it about this particular situation that scared you?" Dr. Hicks asked.

"I don't know," Tim said, softly.

"Think about it, Tim. You've done well in trying to get help with it right away, but don't be afraid of analyzing your feelings. That's how you get them in control."

Tim thought about it silently. There was no question that it was about Logan. Even if he was right that Jorgenson was involved, it was Logan who had stirred these feelings of fear. Then, he thought about how Daniel had described him.

"Do you know Daniel?" he asked.

"No. Only from what you told me about him. I never spoke to him myself. Any therapy sessions he had were with another psychiatrist. And there are plenty of them around."

"Daniel said that Logan had planned what he did, that he was enjoying himself. And it made me think about..." Tim winced at the memory and faded to silence.

"What, Tim?" Dr. Hicks asked. "Give it words. Don't let it have power over you."

Tim took a breath and nodded.

"His name was Jubran. He would say it every time he wanted me to really hurt. And I knew that it was going to be my feet, the falaqā. During the sandstorm, the shamal, Suhayl called it...when he was attacking the compound, the other one left, the one who was in charge. I never knew his name. He left Jubran there. So it was just me and him in the room. And he started beating my feet as hard as he could and he was enjoying my pain. I could tell. I could see it in his eyes. And...when Daniel told me about Logan, that's what I pictured: the kind of man who would want to cause pain and who would get joy out of the suffering of others. It scared me that I could be going up against someone like that again. ...and I let that fear take over."

"Since you're here, clearly, you didn't let it completely take over. What didn't you do that you would have done?" Dr. Hicks asked.

"Abby found evidence of someone who might be involved, and instead of going to talk to him myself, I told Ziva to wait until Tony got back from Quantico and then go with him. Just so I could stay inside NCIS. I did work while I was there, but if it hadn't been for my being afraid, I would have gone myself so that I could talk to him."

"Okay. Does anyone else know?"

"Yeah. Gibbs knows. So do Tony and Ziva because I told them just before I left."

"Good. That's a good first step, Tim. Don't think that you have to hide those feelings when they come up."

Tim nodded. If he was honest, he was already feeling better. Talking about it, putting words to what he was feeling...and having the reassurance that it was okay.

"Now, Tim, I'm getting the feeling that there's something else going on that you haven't talked about yet," Dr. Hicks said.

Tim smiled weakly. "So does the CIA really do mind-reading experiments, then?" he asked.

Dr. Hicks chuckled. "You'd probably know that better than I do. So there is something else?"

"Yeah. One nice thing about it is that it distracted me from my fear a little bit. ...but at the same time..."

"It's not making you feel any better?"

"No."

"Okay. Tell me about it."

"We think that Jorgenson is involved."

"Really."

"Yeah. We don't know for sure, but there are rumors that he's trying to get back into politics and Levi had something that he was holding over him to get him to leave me alone. With Levi out of the way..."

"I can see your reasoning, but how would he know about Logan?"

"I don't know. It's possible that Logan found him, not the other way around. ...and someone was doing the planning for him before. Maybe this is a long-term relationship. That part I don't know, but the CIA is trying to get Logan back and they don't want us to issue a BOLO because this is the first time Logan has been in their sights in years."

"Okay. I'm following you so far, but what is it that you were thinking of?"

Tim hesitated.

"Tell me, Tim. That's clearly what's on your mind right now."

"There's a way to track someone, a way that I could track someone...without a BOLO. Without anyone knowing...except me."

Dr. Hicks' brow furrowed for a moment, and then, he shook his head.

"No, Tim. Don't go that route. Think about what that did to you before."

"But this could be a chance to make it do something good for once. To save someone instead of kill someone."

"Tim, from what you told me, the last time, you worked on it nearly without sleeping for days and it broke you. It broke you physically and more importantly it broke you mentally."

"But it worked," Tim said. "I don't know if we can find Levi before it's too late. I don't know where to go from here. ...but I do know that if I could build that program again, it would work. All I'd need is one glimpse and we could find him."

"And how long would it take you to do it?" Dr. Hicks asked. "And how would you get access to everything you'd need? And what about when you're done with it? You told me over and over that you'd never do it again because you said that no one should have that kind of power, not even you. You shouldn't try to make an exception now."

Dr. Hicks sat up and carefully lowered his feet to the floor. Then, he leaned forward and met Tim's gaze very earnestly.

"Don't do this, Tim. I try not to tell my clients what to do or not do, but you're basically saying that you'd sacrifice yourself for Levi, and while that's admirable, you shouldn't. It's not necessary."

"It could be. I don't want him to go through the kinds of things I did. I don't care if he's gone through it before. I don't care that he's partially responsible for part of what was done to me. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did...the way I sometimes still do."

Dr. Hicks shook his head. "No. Tim, I understand your worry, and I share it. Of everyone you know, I'm the one who can best understand what you're trying to prevent, but I think you're letting that fear keep you from thinking about your other options."

"Like what?"

Now, Dr. Hicks smiled a little. "I can't believe I'm doing this, but I know that you've been heavily involved with the NSA for the last few years. Right?"

"Yes."

"You could even say that they might owe you for all the work you've done?"

"I don't know about that."

"Are you getting paid for this ongoing help?"

"No. I did at the beginning, but now, it's mostly just occasional tweaks, not the same kind of programming I was doing for them before."

"Then, I'd say that they owe you. I don't think you should sneak in to do it. I think you should go openly to Director Gellman and ask permission. It's not like you're really authorized to do any of this anyway. You might as well go all out in blurring jurisdictional lines."

Tim laughed and Dr. Hicks joined him for a few seconds.

"Seriously, Tim. You gave yourself an ultimate restriction because you didn't like what it did to you. You've never liked having to live in that gray area. If you try it now, it'll push you further than you think...because you'll be going there on your own, for the first time. It's not a good idea. Try something else. Anything else... but do it before you go the route of doing something you really don't want to do."

Tim wanted to argue, but there was too much accuracy to what Dr. Hicks was saying for him to deny it.

"I know you're right...but I'd hoped that you weren't."

Dr. Hicks patted Tim on the shoulder and then leaned back and elevated his feet again.

"Did you tell anyone else about this?"

"No. I...I don't really trust them to think about this stuff logically. At this point, I think they're more traumatized by it than I am. They'd just react. I mean, they're only helping to find Levi because I'm the one asking them to do it. Otherwise, they'd just say good riddance."

"Do they know how you feel about it?"

"Yes. About Levi, anyway."

"Have you told them about keeping in contact with him?"

Tim shook his head and looked down at the floor.

"No. Not even now. I know they wouldn't understand why I'm doing it."

"Do you understand why you're doing it?"

Tim looked up.

"Yes. I do. I just don't have the words to explain it."

Dr. Hicks smiled. Tim knew he could probably find at least a few words to explain his thought process, but he just didn't feel like making the effort tonight. Dr. Hicks probably understood that. He didn't push.

"Okay. Now, what I'd like you to do is keep careful stock of how you're feeling tomorrow, particularly when you get back to NCIS. If that fear comes up again, tell your team, and if you think you need more help with it, call me. ...and promise me that you won't start down that path, Tim."

"I won't," Tim said, softly. "I don't want to, but at the same time..."

"You want to help. I get it, but it won't be good for you. So don't do it. Keep trying, using the resources you already have.

"Okay. Thanks, Dr. Hicks. Thanks for meeting with me early and for hearing me out."

"It's both my job and my pleasure to be of assistance, Tim. Now, go home and be with your wife."

Now, Tim smiled.

"She said she wasn't going to bed until I came home and talked to her."

"Then, do that, and I'll go home myself."

"Do you need any help out tonight?"

"No, I'll make it," Dr. Hicks said. "You just go home."

Tim stood up and nodded. Then, he left Dr. Hicks' office and drove back home.