Chapter 21

Gibbs was just having his morning coffee (the first cup, at least) when his phone rang. He looked and saw that it was Tim. He answered quickly.

"What is it, McGee?"

"Boss, I just want to let you know that I might be a little late. I have to make a stop first."

"Where?"

There was a long pause. Gibbs didn't like it when Tim didn't answer simple questions quickly. It either meant that he wanted to lie or that he wasn't sure what to say.

"McGee. Where?"

"I'd...rather not say. Not over the phone. I'll tell you when I get to NCIS...maybe."

"Maybe?"

"We'll see. I just didn't want you to worry when I wasn't there. I knew that was a possibility."

Possibility? Gibbs knew that it was almost a certainty where Tim was concerned. He had disappeared far too many times for them to ever not worry if he was unexpectedly gone. At least a little bit.

"Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome. I'll be there. I just might be a little late. It depends on how long it takes."

"All right."

"Okay. ...um... Bye then."

Gibbs chuckled.

"Bye, Tim."

"Yeah. Okay."

Tim sounded embarrassed as he hung up. In a way, it was nice to hear Tim being so normal. No chaos, no shock, nothing. It was just Tim feeling kind of silly about talking on the phone and not knowing how to finish the conversation.

As he went back to his coffee, Gibbs thought back over the years. It had been over ten years since Tim's life had taken its corkscrew path, and Gibbs still regretted that his choices had affected Tim so horribly. Even though he was fine now, it had taken far too long, too much suffering, too many moments of pain. He didn't bring that up anymore because he knew that Tim didn't want to talk about it, but he still thought about it and still wished he could go back in time and not ask Tim to hack the CIA. Would Tim even have known Carew's name had he not been asked by his boss to break into CIA files?

He finished one cup and poured another, letting his mind wander to another topic. He wished that Tim didn't want to help Carew. He would rather have left all that to the side as much as Tim's life allowed, but for whatever reason, Tim wasn't sharing the real reason for his determination. What he'd told Gibbs wasn't a lie, but it wasn't really the truth. There was something that was pushing Tim, not that he was under duress. Gibbs was positive that this was a willing decision. Tim wanted to find Carew, and Gibbs really wanted to know why. There were little things that Tim had hinted, but the predominant reason was something he hadn't shared with any of them so far as Gibbs knew.

But as long as this was what Tim wanted to do, Gibbs would help him do it and hope that things worked out for the best.

And for now, it was time to leave. Gibbs decided that he would stop to pick up his third cup of coffee on the way in to work.

It was just shaping up to be that kind of day.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim pulled into an available parking space in the NSA parking lot. He was relatively close to the building, thank goodness. He had enough to do today not to have to worry about sprinting across the lot to get inside in good time.

He walked inside and headed for the security checkpoint.

"State your business," said the security guard.

"I need to speak to Director Gellman. I realize that I don't have an appointment, but it's fairly important. If you could ask if he's available. I'm NCIS Special Agent Tim McGee."

The man raised a skeptical eyebrow. Tim smiled. This wasn't the same person he'd interacted with before, but the reaction was the same.

"Just call up. If he's available, he'll let me in."

The security guard did and then, there was that same shift from skeptical to surprised. He hung up and handed Tim a visitor pass. Tim took it and went to Director Gellman's office.

"Director Gellman is in a meeting," the assistant said when Tim arrived. "If you could just take a seat. He said it wouldn't take long."

"Thank you," Tim said and sat down.

He waited for a few minutes in silence, hoping that it wouldn't be too much longer. Then, the door opened and Director Gellman was there with a few people Tim didn't know. That was a relief. He knew the director of every federal agency at a glance, just in case. It didn't mean that they weren't important people, but Tim had limited his paranoia to the directors...and the assistant directors.

Director Gellman met his gaze but said nothing about him or to him while the others were walking out.

Once they were gone, he turned to Tim.

"Agent McGee, you have a nasty habit of surprising me. I don't like being surprised."

Tim smiled a little.

"I wouldn't do it if it wasn't necessary. Last time wasn't too bad, was it?"

Director Gellman smiled a little himself.

"What about this time?"

"I don't know, actually. It is more important, though."

"Okay. Long?"

"I don't think so, but I suppose it might be if you have lots of questions."

"All right." He turned his attention to his assistant. "No calls unless they're urgent."

"Yes, Director."

"Come in, Agent McGee."

Tim stood and followed Director Gellman into his office.

"Now, what is this about?" Director Gellman asked as he gestured for Tim to sit down.

"First, are you aware that Levi Carew is missing?" Tim asked, bluntly, wanting to see what reaction Director Gellman made.

"No," he said, raising an eyebrow. "How long has he been missing?"

"Going on three weeks."

"And I didn't know. I'm disappointed in myself."

Tim smiled.

"How do you know about it?"

"His wife asked for my help and I'm giving it."

"How are you doing that while doing your job?"

"I made it part of my job," Tim said.

Another raised eyebrow. "I wasn't aware that NCIS had jurisdiction over a civilian or even over former CIA directors."

"It doesn't. I'm doing it anyway."

"Ah. That makes more sense. I've often thought that I wouldn't want to get in your way once you'd decided something was necessary."

Now, it was Tim's turn to raise an eyebrow. He was momentarily distracted.

"Why is that?"

"Because you have a thick streak of steel in you, Agent McGee. Anyone who can read you at all would know better than to try to stop you from doing what you'd decided needed to be done."

Tim thought of all the effort Tony and Ziva had put into trying to convince him that he shouldn't find Carew. They definitely didn't feel the same way.

"While I appreciate being told about this, I have to ask why."

Tim took a breath.

"Well, I'm no good at trying to be manipulative. I have to be straightforward. I need your help. To find him."

"My help?"

"The NSA's help," Tim said. "I need to use your...resources."

"Why? I'm assuming that you're using NCIS resources and, while not as extensive as other agencies', I'm sure that they're adequate for normal criminal investigations, which this seems to be, no matter who the victim is."

"It is criminal, but it's not normal."

"Why?" Director Gellman asked again.

"Because of who we think took him."

"Who is that?"

"There is one we're sure of and one we suspect. Have you heard of Marc Logan?"

"The name sounds familiar. Who is he?"

"A former CIA agent who went rogue and the CIA has been trying to track him down for years."

"What did he do?"

"Murdered his whole team, except one who got away."

"Reason?"

"As far as they know, because he wanted to and was bored."

"Of course. Can't be simple, can it. Okay. And who is the other one?"

"Jorgenson."

Director Gellman furrowed his brow and was silent for a few seconds.

"Claude Jorgenson. The former director of the FBI."

"Yes."

"Why him?"

"He wants back in."

"How would abducting Levi Carew help him with that? He's not in politics at all anymore, and people have tried to make him be. The FBI finally learned after the third or fourth agent was sent back, usually with injuries if they were too pushy."

Tim nodded. "He has something on Jorgenson. I don't know what it is, but he said that, as long as Jorgenson wants in federal politics, he can't without risking Levi saying something."

"It must be big if it's lasted this long."

"Yeah."

"Well, that does give a reason. How sure are you?"

"Not very. But Logan is supposed to be pretty good at his job, and if he wants back in, too, maybe Jorgenson promised him the chance."

"Again, possible. How do you know Logan is involved?"

"We found fingerprints at the place where Levi was taken. We also found a person he hired to look up information on the house."

"That was sloppy of him. Not what I'd expect of a skilled and intelligent former CIA agent."

Tim smiled. "Well, when you blow up a house, you probably assume fingerprints would be gone."

"And that's not true?"

"Not always. We found more than one set of fingerprints, though. And we know that Levi and Tamara never had visitors there. They went there to be completely alone."

"So you're asking me to spy on U.S. citizens."

"Yes, but Logan has pretty much ruined any chance he has of being a free U.S. citizen should he be caught, and... if I'm right about Jorgenson..."

"You don't care about that, either," Director Gellman finished.

"No, I have to admit that I don't."

"I don't blame you, but you're still asking me to do something that I'm not supposed to be doing. Why not a BOLO?"

"The CIA has said no because they feel that no matter how quiet the BOLO is, Logan would find out about it and disappear again. They don't want to lose this chance, and I don't blame them based on what I've learned about him."

"Agent McGee, you're putting me in a difficult position. I'm not supposed to pick and choose which laws I feel like following. People don't like it when the NSA does things like that."

"I know."

Director Gellman sat back, never breaking eye contact. Tim got the feeling he was being thoroughly analyzed, and any help he could get from the NSA might depend on whether or not he passed muster.

"Agent McGee, I wasn't the director of the NSA when your involvement with black ops first began."

"I know that, too."

A faint smile.

"But I am aware that you have a particular skill that you could be utilizing in this situation, one that involved access to NSA servers...which you currently have. Legitimate use or not."

"Yes, Director," Tim said.

The brow furrowed again.

"Then, why aren't you just doing that instead of asking permission?"

"Because I don't want to," Tim said, simply.

"Would you mind explaining why?"

Tim paused. He little relished explaining his ongoing psychological problems to someone he didn't really know all that well and was in the position that Director Gellman was in. He respected the NSA director for his straightforward manner, but this was going farther. Still, he had a legitimate concern since Tim was, in effect, asking him to break the law.

"The program you're talking about," he said, finally. "I've done it twice. Even after all these years, I could still do it, but the first time was under duress. My family was threatened. I was pushed to the limit. The second time, I pushed myself, and I had a mental breakdown from it...along with some other related things. When I recovered, I told myself that I would never do it again. Not for any reason. It's a dangerous weapon to have. You feel all-powerful, all-knowing because it takes so little effort to find someone. You have access to nearly every microphone, video camera, satellite, and it's condensed into one program. No one should have that power, not even me. The temptation to do it is there, but I know what it would do to me if I tried again. In order to get it done in time to be useful, I'd have to push myself to the limit again, and I'd be doing because I wanted to, not because I had to. Director, I don't know how you live in the gray area that your job requires. I can see that you do it and it doesn't seem to bother you. It bothers me. I want things black and white. I know that they aren't, but I want them that way. I try to live a life that is black and white. There are grays that sneak in...and sometimes I invite them in, but mostly, I want my life to be...normal. That's why I'm asking for your help and not just making that program."

Director Gellman wasn't as stoic as Gibbs, but Tim still had a hard time reading him. He sat where he was, seemingly unhurried, not speaking. Tim had said his piece and he really didn't want to go into any more detail than he already had.

Then, Director Gellman did something that Tim would never have expected of him.

He started talking about himself.

"Agent McGee, no one ever gets into a job like this thinking that they're going to step over the line. Well, probably some do, but most don't. I'd been in the Army for a number of years before coming to the NSA, but I didn't approach the job with the idea that I would be living in this gray area you're talking about. Certainly, at the level I am, there's a lot of gray, but that's less because of me and more because the world itself is far more gray than it is black and white. While you have had the negative side of that grayness, I've seen mostly the positive side. I've seen the successes we've had simply because we have a somewhat free hand in doing our jobs. So for me, there's no difficulty in living in the gray parts of the world. I do so willingly. Far be it from me to tell you how you should live your life, but I think you'd be better off if you stopped looking at the gray area as inherently bad because really, what you're doing is saying that gray equals black and it doesn't. Gray is both black and white."

Tim laughed because he suddenly remembered a conversation about this same thing from years before.

"I've been told that before," he said.

"And not really taken it to heart, I see."

"Not really. I accept it, of necessity, but I don't like it."

"Well, I can't tell you to change your mind. I just want you to be aware that not everyone sees gray like you have chosen to do. As much as I can without knowing your full history, I understand why you would have that outlook, but you should try to open your mind to the possibility that your negative experiences are not the be all and end all of... being gray."

Tim only nodded. While interesting, he was more concerned with the reason he had come than this conversation. Director Gellman appeared to feel the same way. He leaned back again and stared at Tim for another long time in silence. Then, he sat up and leaned forward.

"Agent McGee, I'll do what you've asked. What I need from you is Marc Logan's file. It's hard to search for someone without some indication of who he is. So please see that I get it as soon as possible. Also, I'd like the exact coordinates of the two places he has definitely been, as well as the dates on which he was in those locations. That's a valuable beginning. I won't need anything for Jorgenson. I have my own file on him."

Tim raised a questioning eyebrow and Director Gellman's mouth quirked into a slight smile.

"There are some questions I won't answer, Agent McGee."

"Understood."

"Good. Understand also that I'm not making any guarantees. I don't know if this will work, and I don't know how long I can give you this kind of help. If there's any pressure on me to stop, coming from legitimate sources of course, then, I stop. I'm not going to advertise this, and if it all pans out, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't advertise my role in this at all. I don't want any credit."

"And you can keep the searches from warning Logan?"

"Again, I can't make any guarantees, but this won't be a BOLO, and I doubt that Logan is omniscient. So it'll be more likely that this will work out without his having any idea."

"Thank you. I'll get the information to you as soon as I'm back at NCIS."

"Good. Now, one last question."

"Yes?"

"Why are you doing this?"

Tim smiled. Everyone asked that question.

"Levi Carew needs the help. That should be enough reason."

"It should be, but I find it hard to believe that it's your only reason, and I find it even harder to believe that it's your main reason. Given what I know about what Carew did to you, if it was just a matter of him needing help, you'd simply pass it off to someone else. Even if you thought he deserved to be helped, you wouldn't be doing it yourself. Why are you doing this?"

"Why does it matter? I am, and I intend to see it through. What difference does it make what my reason might be?"

"I'll admit that it's mostly curiosity. I like knowing," Director Gellman said. "But also because I'm sticking my neck out here, and I want to know why I am. No one else would dare do what you're doing."

Tim hesitated for another second, but then, he nodded.

"What do you know about Levi Carew's life?" he asked, although he was pretty sure he knew the answer, at least in part.

Director Gellman shrugged. "Very little. He's the epitome of a closed book. Closed and locked as far as most of the world is concerned."

"I've opened that book. At least to some degree. I've seen something of who he was. He became what he's been out of necessity, not desire. Now, he's trying to change. He doesn't know if he can do it. It's hard and he's wanted to give up, but he's trying to be the person he was before. And that person was a really good person. I don't want to see him lose all that now. That's why."

Another long silence while he was scrutinized by the NSA director. Tim let him do all the staring he wanted. This was important, and if Director Gellman needed to know if he was being genuine, let him look. Tim knew that he was being honest. He wasn't giving all the details, but he was being honest.

"All right. As soon as possible, Agent McGee."

"Yes, sir."

"All right. That's all I have. Was there anything else you wanted from me?"

Tim smiled. "No. What I've got from you is more than I could have hoped for."

Director Gellman stood up and put out his hand.

"Then, good luck. You'll know when I know."

"Understood."

Tim left the office, walked out of the NSA and headed for his car. He noticed his CIA guards and walked over to that car.

"Would it be too much to ask that you not report this stop?" he asked.

The guard driving raised an eyebrow.

"Would it help if I said please?"

He sighed. "I'll consider it. Where to now, since you're right here?"

"NCIS. I have work to do."

"All right. You realize that the roads are going to be horrendous at this time of day."

"I do. Couldn't be helped."

Another sigh. Tim smiled and went to his car. He got in and headed for NCIS, calling Gibbs on the way.

He knew he would be late.