April 13, 2015

Earlier today, I was in my room writing an essay for my English class when I heard a knock on the door that made me look up from my paper. It was actually a rhythmic pattern of knocking that I recognized easily. Only Shigure knocks on my door that way. Kyo opens the door without warning (although I think he just forgets to knock), while Yuki's knocks are quiet and tentative.

Anyway, I put down my pencil and told Shigure to come in. When he opened the door, I nearly gaped at him. His eyes were red-rimmed and there were dark bags underneath them. His smile was weak...twitchy, even.

He looked defeated, diary.

I'm ashamed to admit that I looked away and then looked back at him. I felt uncomfortable as he entered my room and sat next to me on my bed. I'd never seen him looking like this before, so it felt like we were in the twilight zone or something.

Shigure asked me if I needed any help with my homework. I was surprised by this, but said that I didn't want to trouble him. I felt breathless and my eyes didn't quite meet his as I spoke to him. I hoped he didn't notice that my response was a little too quick as well.

Shigure looked away and shut his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled deeply before turning to look at me again. He smiled and, for the first time, I noticed that he has a dimple in his left cheek.

"You're such a good person, Tohru," he said. "I don't know how the hell you do it."

I didn't expect this.

I also didn't expect my heart to flutter in my chest because of how handsome he looked right now. His eyes crinkled as they smiled at me as well. His age was beginning to show on his face, but his inner youth shone through what was on the outside.

Why did it feel like this was the first time I'd seen Shigure smile when I knew this wasn't the case?

I lowered my eyes awkwardly and placed my hands in my lap. "I...I wouldn't say that I'm a good person, Shigure," I whispered.

"What are you talking about?" Shigure gaped at me, shaking his head before laughing tensely. "You didn't bonk your head against something when you were a kid, did you? Tohru," And his dark eyes softened as he tilted his head, focusing his attention on me. "You're the nicest kid I've ever seen. You'd probably still be living in that tent if we hadn't found you that night."

I bit my lip and shifted uncomfortably. Topics like this made me uneasy.

Shigure's face darkened all of a sudden and he turned away from me, actually shifted his body so that he was no longer facing me. He crossed his arms and faced as far away from me as he could. "You know what? Forget it," he spat bitterly.

I blinked hard at the sudden shift in the atmosphere. What happened? Did I do something to upset him? Or is that I didn't do something?

It was such a bizarre situation. I had completely forgotten the homework that sat on my bed unfinished and untouched, even.

I sighed as I surveyed Shigure's stiff form, heard the breaths that puffed out from between his chapped lips.

"Shigure?" I said meekly, making sure not to reach out and touch him. I had never touched Shigure before. At least, not on purpose.

It was like there was an invisible wall around him that I couldn't seem to penetrate no matter how hard I tried. Even when he smiled, there was a shadow in his eyes that I felt only I could see.

A shadow of what, I wonder.

Shigure had then turned around, though he kept his eyes downcast. "Hmm?" he said edgily.

"You're a good person, too, Shigure," I said. "You gave me a home when I was a stranger on your property. That's the epitome of being a good person. I think you're the kindest-"

"I'm not," Shigure interrupted harshly.

His tone was so cold and sharp that I jerked away from him, eyes widening. There was a heavy silence after that. I didn't even apologize to him. I just sat there hating myself for saying the wrong things.

"Tohru?"

I looked up and saw that he was looking at me. I hadn't even felt his eyes on me during the silence.

"Yes, Shigure?" I said. My heart was still beating rapidly from his sharp tone, but I tried to maintain eye contact with him.

"How..." He paused and I saw him swallow, avert his eyes. He looked back at me again and I saw the strangest thing.

Shigure's irritation had been replaced by nervousness.

He was always so full of confidence, so energetic and teasing. This was definitely another side of him, possibly something that he didn't show to just anyone.

I felt very blessed that he trusted me this much, diary.

"How..." He began again, "How do I...I mean…Do you-Do you really think that I'm a...a good person?" Shigure stammered and I saw that he was beginning to sweat.

I wondered which one of us had turned up the heat because my own face was beginning to feel warm.

Anyway, I of course told him that yes, I do think that he is a good person. And I meant it.

I always thought there was more to Shigure than met the eye. I knew deep down that those shadows in his eyes couldn't mean something malicious was hiding there. Maybe it was sadness or pain, but certainly nothing of a mean nature. Shigure is far from a cold person. In fact, I could practically feel the heat radiating from him when he smiled at me.

Anyway, I ended up finishing my homework by myself, but I didn't mind at all. The brief conversation that I had with Shigure made me feel so much more productive and energized, honestly.