April 27, 2015

I feel this intense hatred for him.

Forgive me for this, but I really do hate him. I hate his perfect face, his perfect smile, his perfect education, and his perfect loving and giving nature.

How can you compete with perfection?

It's what I've been doing all of my life and I just can't...I just can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry mom.

Dad...I need some time away from you. I'll get back to you eventually...maybe. We'll see how things go. I just need to get my head together. Clear my mind. Find myself again.


May 5, 2015

Ayame came over today. It's always a circus in the house when he visits. From his grand entrance to his booming voice and stage presence, I can't help but be awed by his charisma.

I was standing in front of the sink, washing a dirty dish with a rag when the door slammed open, making the walls vibrate and my teeth chatter.

Ayame stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame for a few seconds, posing seductively before entering the house. He left the door open behind him, as always.

He waved and winked at me before gliding over to Shigure's side. The two of them shared a lengthy hug.

"Aya, how have you been?" Shigure said as he rubbed Ayame's back. "Not too happy without me, I hope."

"Everyone's happy without you!" Kyo had shouted from somewhere upstairs.

"Is that Kyo?" Ayame asked, pulling away from Shigure's embrace. "You know, that boy could really use some guidance when it comes to his style...He should come with me to my store, too!"

Kyo had grumbled something in response, but I can't remember what. I think he might have told Ayame to hang himself with his hair or something like that.

Anyway, all of a sudden, Shigure and Ayame held their hands out and interlaced their fingers, staring deeply into each others eyes. They then began to profess their undying love for one another.

Graphically.

It's hard for me to know what to do when this happens. My heart skips beats hearing about the things they say about one another. I could only gape with my mouth hanging slightly open as the plate in my hand slowly slipped from my loosening grip.

It was even more embarrassing since they were both attractive men.

Ayame eventually noticed me staring and I quickly looked away, blushing and apologizing for my rudeness. He sauntered over to the kitchen and I found myself intimidated by his golden eyes that narrowed into slits as he studied me.

Ayame's beauty catches me off guard every time. And, honestly, I still sometimes mistake him for a woman from behind. Even when he isn't wearing a dress.

He tilted his head and smiled at me, making me nearly melt into a puddle before him.

"And how is Princess Tohru doing today?" Ayame asked me, and even his voice is like a hiss, but not a predatory one. It sounded more...sensual.

Oh, I feel so weird using the word "sensual"...

"I'm fine," I told him a little nervously. "thank you for asking. How about yourself, Ayame?"

"I'm feeling beautiful, darling," he said with a grin. "Beautiful as the stars. I'm here to take Yuki with me for a fitting at my shop."

"Oh, that's wonderful, Ayame," I said, and I meant it. "It's so nice to hear that you two are finally going to spend some quality time together."

"Any time in my presence is quality time, Tohru," Ayame said with a wink. "Yuki, my dear sweet brother, loves me more than he loves the violets in his garden. He's just too shy to admit it."

"In fact," Shigure piped up from the living room, prompting us to look at him, "Aya is like the sun while Yuki is like the moon. One can't live without the other."

"Yes. Yes, indeed," Ayame said. He then smirked at Shigure while Shigure licked his lips suggestively.

I had no idea what to do so I just stood there until the plate I held in my hand finally slipped from my hands, hitting the tile floor, and shattering into pieces.

I immediately fell into a sea of apologies, but Shigure silenced me graciously before teasing me. He'd joked that this wasn't grounds for kicking me out of his house (yet). Ayame, on the other hand, bent down to my level and helped me pick up the pieces from the floor.

I felt too shy to look at him as we did this, but it was hard to suppress the smile that threatened to spread across my face. It just feels so nice to have such kind friends...even if they're a bit odd sometimes.

I feel so blessed, diary.


May 6, 2015

I used to find crows scary.

Their cawing seemed to me a signal of impending death. It scared me. I hated seeing them on telephone poles, passing over the car I rode in, standing around in groups on people's lawns.

They scared me because I was afraid of death.

Blackness, an empty soul, the end. That was what death was to me.

After all, if life is so precious, that must mean there is no life after death, right?

How scary. How utterly terrifying the prospect of death used to be to me.

I would lie awake in my dark room at night, staring at the ceiling as I envisioned my mother's pale, lifeless face. As if it belonged to the same person.

It hurts to lose someone. Even if I didn't know them that well, like my father.

Even if I have painful thoughts about him.

He was my father and he loved me. I know he did. He was a good person.

I hated seeing crows on the day after his funeral. I hated seeing crows in general. But now…

Now, I know that crows are animals as well. They have a beauty all their own. Black is not an ugly color.

It all just depends on how you look at it.