May 15, 2015
Today, Kyo and I were sitting in his room studying together when he asked me why I chose to work as a janitor. He wrinkled his nose as he spit out the word.
It didn't hurt my feelings because it's a reaction that I'm used to. People see being a janitor as a lowly job...pitiable, even. Maybe that's why people avoid looking me in the eye as I stand a few feet away from them, sweeping dust and scraps of paper into a dust pan.
It used to hurt a little in the beginning because the experience was new to me, but I quickly learned to accept their reactions and not take them personally. I'd tell myself that they might just feel uncomfortable and that I should just try to be more respectful of their space.
They don't mean to hurt my feelings. Even if they did, I shouldn't let it get to me.
My tuition fees are pretty steep, but knowing that I'm doing something good for Grandpa makes me forget all about my fears.
Grandpa has been so good to me all these years. I really love talking to him about Mom.
Although I do have to admit that a small part of me feels a little bad when he calls me Kyoko. I love him and I would never get angry at him for it, but it's a little painful to hear that name as though it were my own.
My mom was such a great person that I almost feel like it's an insult to her memory to call me by her name, even if it's by mistake.
After I answered Kyo's question, I asked him what kind of part-time job he'd be interested in. Kyo pondered this for a minute before saying that he couldn't see himself interacting with customers without getting angry and losing his job. The sincerity with which he said this made my chest ache. The sadness on his face was heartbreaking, diary.
I reached out and hugged him without thinking and he turned into a cat in my arms. I flinched, nearly letting him go at the realization of what I'd done, but to my surprise, Kyo didn't hiss or scratch at me, much less shout at me for being a stupid ditz like he normally did.
Instead, he relaxed in my arms, limp as a noodle, and I smiled and was unable to resist the temptation to give him a little squeeze. His fur felt soft as a pillow against my chest and the tickling sensation against my arms was oddly comforting as well.
"You know," Kyo said, "One of these days, I really am going to kill you."
He wasn't fooling anyone. I heard the smile in his voice.
May 21, 2015
One of the things that I love about Momiji is that he lets me pet him when he's in his rabbit form. He even pounces into my arms, eager to transform. His acceptance and love of his zodiac animal is adorable to me.
Of course, so is his fluffy rabbit form. It's very odd to see a yellow, red-eyed rabbit, though. I've always wanted a pet rabbit, but I never got one. It's probably because I'm so busy. I think it's better if I don't get one anyway. I fear the poor thing would starve or die of loneliness because of me.
Maybe I fear death even more than I thought I did. I feel like I might not know myself very well either.
Anyway, just the other day, Shigure, Kyo, Yuki, and I were eating dinner I'd cooked, teriyaki chicken and rice, when I caught Kyo staring at me intensely, his eyes practically boring into my own. I had the feeling he'd been staring like this long before I'd noticed.
My heart had jumped into my throat and blood rushed to my cheeks as I lowered the fork that I'd lifted from my plate and met his eyes, confused.
Shigure and Yuki noticed this and Yuki told Kyo to stop staring at me. He went on to say, "Your ugly face is making her lose her appetite."
Kyo snapped out of his daze and shot a glare at Yuki, his face red as a tomato.
"Why don't you mind your own business and get back to your food, you damn rat?" Kyo snarled.
I tried to calm the situation down, but it was Shigure who managed to stop their threats and insults by telling me in detail what he and Ayame did last night.
Just when Shigure got to the part where they'd peeled the clothes off each others bodies, Yuki and Kyo threw their chairs across the room and grabbed him by the throat, their hands overlapping.
I sat in shock before pleading with them to not hurt Shigure. I apologized for causing the situation as well. They finally managed to let him down, albeit reluctantly. We then returned to our food.
My heart was racing as I kept my eyes lowered for the remainder of the meal. My hands shook as I ate because I kept thinking about what Shigure had see as well as the way that Kyo had looked at me.
These thoughts and feelings that I'm beginning to have...they seem dangerous.
Anyway, I brought up Momiji because he visited us later in the day. He was all grins and chuckles as soon as he arrived and he leaped into my arms as soon as he saw me. I laughed as he transformed while Kyo rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. Yuki, on the other hand, walked over to my side and tapped my shoulder. I jumped at this, nearly dropping Momiji.
I turned around nervously and was relieved to see Yuki smiling at me. It always makes me happy to see Yuki smile. More often that not, he looks deep in thought, very pensive and tense, as though any moment of happiness could shatter if he breathed a little too loudly.
"You really like Tohru, don't you Yuki?" Momiji asked, and I felt my mouth drop open as the air left the room.
But, to my surprise, Yuki didn't run out of the room out of mortification like I'd expected. Instead, he smiled warmly, poked my shoulder again and said, "Of course I like her. It's like asking me if I like the sun. Or the rain." He winked at me, as though we shared a little secret.
I nearly fainted with Momiji still in my arms.
What kind words...Do I really deserve such kindness?
Well, whatever the case, they were much appreciated. And I think Yuki looked even more handsome to me after this.
