June 9, 2015

There was a party at Shigure's house today and it was fun, but I felt like I didn't belong there, I'm sorry to say.

I'm not much of a party person, I guess. I tried to look enthusiastic and smile, but I just didn't feel right. Parties feel like forced get-togethers to me. I feel like I'm forced to be wild and crazy. And I'm far from wild. Crazy, though…

I might be a little crazy.

What surprised me was that Haru arrived at the party a little intoxicated and he had offered me something called a strawberry daiquiri to drink while we were standing in the shadows of a hallway, away from most of the noise in the living room.

Haru is a pretty mellow person, so I wasn't surprised to find out that he isn't too fond of parties either. He said that he just uses them as an excuse to get drunk and relax. It bothers me a little that he is underage and drinks, but I didn't say anything so that I wouldn't hurt his feelings.

Anyway, I declined the alcohol that he offered me. I saw the disappointment in his eyes and I looked away, feeling guilty.

I knew why he was offering it to me. Because I must have looked stiff and awkward. I'm the person who sits on the couch, hands in her lap, watching others talk loudly and drink in excess, while I try hard to maintain a pleasant, approachable smile.

I dislike seeing people get drunk.

I suppose it might have to do with me not liking the idea of losing control. I fear losing control of my mind, my thoughts, my actions, and especially my body.

Besides, I'm much too young to drink! I wouldn't want to hurt my body with alcohol, since I'm still developing. And I really don't think mom would approve either.

June 12, 2015

I used to think that the male body was gross. Obscene, even.

I couldn't bear to think of a man's sexual organ without turning beet red and nearly passing out. I guess I was raised in a pretty clean home...squeaky clean, even.

Mom really changed a lot after marrying my dad. I don't think there's anything wrong with how she raised me, though. I just feel like it made me more tense in certain situations.

For example, when Kyo walks out of the restroom after a hot shower, with only a towel wrapped around his waist. I try to look away, but my eyes are glued to the drops of water sliding down his muscular chest, down past his abs, and then around his belly button. I have to look away before it gets lower than that, though. And I run away (literally) into my room or down the stairs, tripping over my own feet as I try to act like I have something that I was going to be doing.

I do want to overcome this anxiety, but it's so hard. I feel like sexuality is something that shouldn't have to be discussed, much like how spirituality is something that I like to keep to myself.

Not only does the topic of sex make me feel uncomfortable, but it also takes away from the sacredness of it. Sex is a special thing. I feel like it should be experienced when the time is right and not longed for or sought after. It's something that will (most likely) happen eventually, so why rush it?

I hope that I find that special someone one day. Deep down, yes, I do want to have sex. I can't believe I'm writing this down, but oh well. I guess it's something that I do need to get out of my system. I can't lie. I have urges and desires like anyone else. I sometimes think about Kyo or Yuki or...and I can't believe I'm saying this...but, yes, even Shigure at night and...well…I'll just leave it at that.

I hope to God no one reads this.

Okay, I guess I should try to overcome my fear of people discovering my diary, too. And I really need to stop being so afraid.