Chapter 39
Gibbs watched as Tim focused intently on trying to space out his cedar planks as perfectly as possible. He'd done all the calculations, even down to figuring out the perfect angles. That part didn't surprise Gibbs at all. But Tim's chosen pattern had. Instead of going for something simple since it was his first time attempting to build something larger than a single shelf, Tim had decided on a herringbone design. Not the most complicated choice, but it was still much more complicated than he would have thought Tim would choose, especially because he had decided to mount the pattern on a black background and space out the individual boards as if he was laying tile. He'd also chosen to stain the individual boards different colors to add more movement (with blue being one of the stain colors, of course). All in all, he'd made this way more complicated than Gibbs would have thought, and if he could pull it off, it would look amazing.
There was just something about the way Tim worked with wood, though. No matter how many times Gibbs had said that it wasn't important to be perfect, Tim still approached every project with an intensity totally out of proportion to the task at hand. And yet, he seemed to enjoy himself, so perhaps this was just how he liked working. Maybe.
"Tim?" he asked.
"Just a minute," Tim said.
Gibbs smiled and watched as Tim carefully placed a plank and then put a few spacers to keep it exactly where he wanted it. Then, Tim turned around.
"Yeah?"
"Why do you still do this?" Gibbs asked, although that hadn't been his original question.
Tim's brow furrowed as he tried to figure out where Gibbs was going with this.
"Uh...I like it?"
"Why?"
"Is this some kind of test, Boss?" Tim asked. "Because I'd really rather not have any psychoanalysis tonight."
Gibbs chuckled. "Nope. Just wondering. You take it too seriously."
"Well... this is going to be for Zahara. I want it to be good," Tim said. "I didn't think there was anything wrong with that."
"There's not."
"Then, what's the problem?"
"Does it actually help?"
Tim suddenly smiled and shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think about it, Boss. I used to do it just because it helped me stop expecting too much of myself, but really, now it's an escape and that's all. And in this case, since you told me to make a headboard, it's going to be important to get right because it's going to be a gift. If it was just another box...well, I might rush through it, but this needs to be right." He looked back at the half-finished board and smiled. "Sometimes, it can just be simple."
"Simple would be a piece of wood, maybe with some trim. You didn't pick simple."
Tim laughed. "No, I didn't, but doing it is simple. Wood is simple. No complications, no expectations except for the ones I have of myself." His expression became a little wistful as he stared at the wood. "I don't have a simple life, and I doubt I ever will, but the complications I have aren't too bad at this point. Zahara came out of a complication, and I don't know that I could ever have anyone better. I hadn't even thought I could have anyone, let alone someone like her. She's a complication but I wouldn't trade Zahara for a simple life. And since I couldn't do it anyway, there's no reason to dwell on it."
Then, Tim turned and faced Gibbs fully.
"And so as long as you don't mind me coming here to use your tools and everything, I'll keep doing it when I can. I never thought I'd be someone who can work with wood. It's hard, especially the way you do it, but I do enjoy it."
"Don't have to do it the way I do."
Tim grinned. "Yeah, I do. I don't have any power tools, and I'm not willing to buy them, either."
Then, he looked at his watch.
"I'd better get home before Zahara starts to worry."
Tim turned back to his project, carefully checked all the boards he'd already placed to make sure that they were secure. Then, he headed for the stairs.
"Thanks, Boss."
"You're welcome, McGee. Anytime."
Tim turned back.
"I know, Boss. I really do know that. Thanks."
Then, Tim left the basement. Gibbs walked over to the unfinished headboard and checked the spacing with a small ruler. He smiled.
"Perfect," he said.
He put away his tools and headed for bed.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
If anyone had told Bri that she'd get exactly what she wanted and that she'd hate it when she did, she would have scoffed at them. That smacked of poor understanding and she always worked hard to understand everything around her.
And yet, as she waited for her father to finish his physical therapy, as she saw his weakness and his uncertainty, she knew that she did have what she had thought she wanted. Her father was as weak and open as it was possible for him to be.
And she hated it.
He wasn't watching her. At the moment, he was getting his breath back from a grueling walk around the small track. He was certainly getting stronger, but he was still so weak and he couldn't do anything but speak when spoken to. In fact, Bri had stopped asking him questions because he answered and he did so bluntly. She knew he wasn't lying and she wasn't sure she wanted to know what he told her.
"You're doing great, Levi."
"Compared to what?" Levi asked. "To being dead?"
Ian, his physical therapist chuckled. "If you want, but you made it all the way around the track for the first time and your heart is beating well. A little fast but that's to be expected. It's even."
"I can feel that. My heart is definitely beating," Levi said and took a deep breath. "How much longer?"
"No rushing. You'll know."
"I don't like that answer. I think you're dodging."
Ian smiled. "I'm not. I promise. You can't rush healing your heart, and you're old enough that, if you push too much, too soon, you'll only make things worse. So instead of giving you a definite length of time, I'm going to force you to listen to what your body tells you. You can't push this if you want to truly heal."
"People keep telling me that I'm old," Levi said. He smiled slightly. "It's not good for my self esteem."
Ian laughed. "I think you need the reminder. It doesn't mean you're feeble. It just means that you need to give a little more time than you must have before. You should have the wisdom that comes with age."
Bri watched as her father actually smiled a real smile. It was tired, yes, but he was expressing a real emotion. How long had it been since she had seen that? How much had she wanted to see it? And why didn't she like it now? In fact, she was annoyed at herself for being so irrational.
Ian checked Levi's heart rate and then nodded in approval.
"All right. You're ready to go. When you get home, I want you to promise me that you'll take a real rest...right after you eat something. I can see that your daughter is here, so there's a witness."
Levi looked over at Bri and nodded.
"There's always someone watching," he said.
Bri thought that sounded familiar, but she couldn't place it, but before she could try to figure it out, she watched and suppressed a grimace as her father got to his feet and walked to her at that slow pace that bespoke his continued weakness.
"Ready to go, Dad?" she asked.
"Yes," he said.
They walked out to the car. Bri wanted to walk much faster just to get him to move at the pace she was used to, but she also knew that he couldn't. As much as she hated it, she had to deal with it.
They got into the car and she watched as her father closed his eyes and breathed heavily just at the slight exertion. She didn't say anything. Instead, she just started driving back home.
"Why are you still here, Brianna?" Levi asked after a few minutes. "Surely, you have work to do. You've been here for quite a while."
"I do."
"Then, why stay here?"
"Because my father almost died."
A slight smile, closer to what she was used to.
"But he didn't."
Bri debated being honest, but then, awkwardly, she just said it.
"But he still looks like he could."
Levi opened his eyes and looked at her. It was funny but his eyes had never bothered her. Perhaps because she had grown up seeing them.
"Well, everyone will die eventually."
"But not yet."
"Yes, it's hard to hate me when I'm like this, isn't it."
Bri grimaced. That was the kind of thing that she found so uncomfortable about this. It wasn't that he might not have said something similar before, but she could hear the regret in his voice where he would have been simply stating a fact before. And she couldn't pretend she didn't hear the regret.
She chose not to answer, although actually agreeing out loud was unnecessary. They both knew.
Suddenly, he looked out the window.
"Stop here. At this park."
"Ian said you need to go home and rest."
"We're not home yet, and I'm hardly going to start running. Just to the bench."
She saw the bench. It would take perhaps ten steps to get to it from the closest spot available.
"Fine."
She pulled into the space. Then, Levi got out and walked to the bench. He sat down. Reluctantly, Bri sat beside him. There was just silence for a few minutes. Bri was about to ask what in the world they were doing here when the silence was broken.
"This is where I left your mother," he said.
"Dad, I hate to remind you, but Mom left you."
A knowing (but still tired) smile.
"Yes, she did because I made sure she would. I couldn't do it myself. But I could make sure that her only option was to walk away. I just never guessed that she would try to leave the door open for me to come back. That wasn't my plan."
"You accepted it."
"How could I not?" he said. "This is where she let me come back, too. I walked away from her here, and I walked back to her here."
"Did you plan that?"
Levi moved his gaze from the park to her, and it was a disconcerting expression in his eyes.
"No. I thought I'd be dead before I could ever go back. I never planned on a good ending. That's not how life works."
"But you went back."
For just a moment, his expression was just like she remembered. A combination of surprise and just a shade of disappointment at her response.
"Could you have given up the chance for a happy ending if you knew it was possible? I had to go back."
They were quiet again. Then, Bri looked over.
"You've never asked me," she said.
"Why would I when I know what your answer is?" he asked. "You can't even bring yourself to verbalize what I'd be asking."
"What about with Mom?"
"I know there's a chance with your mother, even if I don't deserve it." Then, he looked at her with an indefinable expression and it was one of those times when she hated that she was getting what she wanted but still wasn't happy about it. "I don't think I have a chance with you, Bri. I don't deserve one and you agree with me that I don't. All our bridges are burned and I can't rebuild them. Only you can and I don't believe that you want to."
Bri looked away, feeling extremely uncomfortable under her father's gaze. Then, suddenly, something happened that shocked her more than she would have thought possible, considering how simple it was.
For the first time in years, her father voluntarily touched her. Levi reached out and patted her shoulder.
"Don't worry. I don't blame you. You have every right."
Then, he took a breath and Bri watched as he struggled to push himself to his feet. He settled back on the bench for a moment, clearly steeling himself to try again. She stood up and held out her hand, to help him up. He looked at her hand and then up at her, his eyebrow lifting just slightly.
"You need the help," she said.
"Yes, I do."
He took her hand and she pulled him to his feet. Then, she let him lean on her until they got to the car. He got in without speaking and then leaned back on the seat and closed his eyes. She drove them home and he got out of the car before she could help him again. He walked slowly into the house. Bri lagged behind, but she watched as Tamara greeted them and Levi got an expression of relief on his face when he saw her, as if he'd been afraid she would be gone.
And that was the worst part of this, Bri decided. Her infuriating and yet invincible father had become so fragile that he was afraid that Tamara would disappear when he couldn't see her. He managed to hide it some of the time, but every time he saw her after she'd been gone somewhere, he was relieved.
Bri closed the door behind her as Tamara made sure that Levi ate something and then lay down on the couch and slept. Then, she walked into the living room and stared at her father as he slept.
"You've been very quiet this afternoon," Tamara said softly from behind her.
"I didn't have anything to say."
"Actually, to me, if felt like you had a lot to say, but you didn't want to say it."
Bri turned around.
"I can't hate him, okay? Are you happy now, Mom?"
Tamara's smile was sad.
"No, Bri. The fact that you resent it so much does not make me happy because all that means is that you've let the current situation affect how you see him. Once he recovers, you'll be happy to go back to hating him as you have in the past. That's not changing anything. It's just delaying it. That's all. So no, that doesn't make me happy."
Bri stalked by her to the backyard. She'd always hated it when her mother lectured her without even raising her voice. Of course, walking away didn't really provide any escape. Tamara just followed her out the door.
"Brianna, you are free to feel how you feel, but don't expect me to say I agree with you. Your father agrees that you're right to hate him. I don't agree, and you know that, but you have the right to feel that way. You have the right to be uncomfortable with him and you have the right to refuse to admit that he's changing. I will never say that you don't. Just don't ask me to agree with you that you're doing the right thing. I don't think you are."
Bri turned around once more.
"How could you forgive him? How could you let him come back? How could you even think about letting him come back? I know how you felt."
Tamara walked over and, to Bri's surprise, hugged her.
"Oh, Bri. I have so little family left that I want to keep it as much as I can. Your father has no family left but us. I don't want him to be left alone. And I hate that you keep separating yourself from the family you could have. I want us to be happy again, no matter how difficult it is to get there."
"Happy? With him?"
"Yes. It wouldn't be like it was. That's impossible and we all know it, but it is possible that we could be happy, if you would just soften a little bit."
Bri pulled away and turned to face the garden.
"Would you marry him again?"
"Yes. If he asked."
"Why don't you ask, then?"
"Because he's not ready and when you care about someone, it's not all about what you want and when you want it. I know that Levi will ask when he's ready for me to say yes, because I think, deep down, he knows I will, but he's not ready for what that will mean for him."
Silence.
"What would you do if your father and I remarried?"
"I don't know."
"Would you hate me, too?"
"No. I couldn't do that."
"I'm glad because I'd hate to lose you."
"You'd choose Dad over me?"
"You'd make me choose between two people I love?"
Again, Bri hated how her mother could deliver a reprimand without even sounding like she was, but they both knew the reprimand was there.
"How much longer are you going to stay?"
"As long as you need me to stay," Bri said.
"Surely you have to get back to work. You've been here for weeks."
"I told them that my father almost died. They don't know how I feel about him. Dave said that I could take as much time as I needed."
"Dave seems like a very nice man. He's not married, is he?"
"Mom, I'm not looking for a matchmaker."
"That doesn't mean you don't have one."
Bri smiled and turned around again, recognizing that they were going to be done with the serious stuff for a while.
"He's not married, is he?" Tamara asked again.
"No. Divorced."
"See?"
"Mom."
Tamara just smiled. "Come inside, Bri. You can tell me about him."
"Mom."
"Don't use that tone on me. You can't put me off that way."
Bri relented and followed her mother inside.
When they got inside, she saw her father asleep on the couch. Would he ever look normal again?
Do I really want that?
Then, she pushed the thought away and walked into the kitchen with her mother.
