Chapter 40
Levi woke up early as he often did. One of the problems with sleeping throughout the day was that he didn't often sleep all the way through the night. He was trying not to sleep so much during the day, but when everything tired him out, he couldn't help but sleep. Right now, however, he was very much awake. He sat up in bed and looked at Tamara as she slept. Part of him wanted to touch her just to make sure that she was really sleeping and not dead. However, he was enough in control of himself that he didn't have to do that. It was just something he wanted to do. And right now, he didn't want to wake Tamara up more.
How many of those lines and gray hairs did I put there? Levi thought to himself.
Probably way too many. On the rare occasions when he allowed himself to think back to the early days of their marriage, he remembered how much she had smiled and laughed when she was younger. He had always been more serious than she was, but she had helped him lighten up. So much of his life had been overshadowed by the horrors of the Holocaust that he had found it difficult to be lighthearted. The Nazis had been his monsters. He wasn't afraid of the boogeyman. He wasn't afraid of Frankenstein. The swastika had terrified him as a child because he had grown up knowing what had been done under that sign, how much of his family had died because of it. He literally had no cousins because everyone had been killed before they could have children. If there were any more distant relatives left who had stayed in Europe, he had no idea who they were. His side of the wedding party had been very small. Someone like Tamara who had been so carefree had been good for him. She had helped him let go of some of that seriousness and enjoy life.
How much is she enjoying it right now?
Levi honestly didn't know. He knew he was doing better at letting her get out of his sight, but he couldn't quite hide how glad he was to see her again after she'd been gone or he'd been gone. He knew she saw it and tried to help him relax.
Quietly, he got out of bed and walked to the other occupied bedroom. The door was slightly ajar. He pushed it open without making a sound and watched his daughter sleep. As he recovered, he found that there was room in his mind to think about Brianna again. He was still surprised at how long she had stayed without even suggesting that it was time to get back to the life she was building in New York. He knew it was mostly because of Tamara, but he had to be honest and admit that it was partly him. There were moments when he almost thought there might be a chance, but they were so fleeting that he still didn't dare ask for a chance he was sure would be denied. And he could also admit that the proud part of him didn't want to give his daughter the opportunity to lord his current weakness over him.
But he also knew what Tamara wanted, and she wanted the family to get put back together again.
As much as it could be. He closed the door and then walked to the final bedroom, which was being used simply for storage. All the things that Tamara had not wanted to get rid of when they'd decided to move to this house away from anyone who would know either of them. If he was honest, Levi could admit that he was surprised none of his neighbors had realized that they had the former director of the CIA living next door, but he supposed that he'd just been too good at keeping a low profile while in office.
He opened the door and looked at the boxes. Unerringly, he walked over to the box labeled Quinn. He knelt down and opened the box. There were framed pictures from all the events that he'd never seen. Quinn had been smart and athletic and yet quiet and reserved. The kind of person people liked but only a few were able to get close to. When Bri and Quinn had joined the CIA, Quinn had taken his cue from his father and never even indicated some kind of familial connection. On the rare occasions that they had interacted, Quinn had given his father his complete, undivided attention. It was a very formal relationship they'd had and, unlike Bri who had always simmered with anger, even when acting professionally, Quinn had just seemed to accept the way things were. Had he really? Levi didn't know and he could never know because he hadn't asked.
Why had he imagined seeing his son in his delusions? Of all the people he could have imagined seeing, the people he had hurt, had neglected, had used, why Quinn? Dr. Hicks seemed to think there was a way that he could have really been there, but Levi knew it had just been a delusion due to his weakened state. Maybe Quinn had been the part of his mind that realized it was possible Tamara hadn't died in the house and was keeping him from giving up completely.
But why Quinn? Why not Tamara herself?
He closed up the box and then turned his attention to another box. This one filled with home movies. He pulled out a couple at random and walked to the living room and sat down on the couch to rest. Then, he put in one of the movies.
Instantly, he regretted doing it. He usually tried not to look back at the happy days. Why torture himself with what he'd destroyed?
This one was silent. He still remembered why. They'd had a regular handheld camcorder, but it had broken and the only one Tamara had managed to get was an old one without an internal microphone. So they had the images without any of the sound. It almost wasn't necessary anyway, though. This was just a regular summer day. Bri and Quinn were running through the sprinkler, obviously shrieking with delight. He couldn't tell how old they were, but the fact that he was there and smiling gave him a clue. He watched his younger self as he chased the two children around the yard, occasionally picking one up and holding them in the sprinkler so they couldn't get away. Bri was never more than a few steps away from him while Quinn ran all over the place. He turned it off and put in the other one.
This one had sound, but he found that he couldn't bear to hear it so he muted it. He'd been controlling the camera this time. Tamara was Bri's patient and Quinn was Bri's assistant. He'd forgotten that Bri had been playing doctor that early in her life. He smiled as he watched Bri carefully wrap Tamara's arm in bandages, listen to her heart and then, clearly, declare her mother to be cured. Tamara leapt to her feet and Quinn, who was probably three years old, was jumping around excitedly. And then, Bri ran toward him, her hand out and the video began to shake as she was clearly pulling him to his feet. Then, Quinn ran over and joined in the pulling.
How could I have given this up? Was my mistake enough to warrant that?
But even as he thought it, he knew that he would have probably destroyed his family in another way if he had tried not to take responsibility for what he'd done when he saved Dr. Hicks and let Higgins get away. The only way to avoid the way his family had been torn apart would have been to not join the the CIA in the first place, and he'd been recruited so skillfully that he would never have turned down the chance to make a difference, to create a world where the Holocaust couldn't ever happen again.
He turned off the TV and then sat there, staring at the blank screen. He was feeling tired again, but he wanted think this through before falling asleep. He sat in silence for a while.
"I tore this family apart," he whispered to the empty room. "I'm the one who has to put it back together. If it's even possible."
Decision made, he forced himself to get up and walk back into the bedroom. He got back into bed as quietly as he could and fell asleep.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Zahara smiled nervously at the computer. She'd been talking with Fatima, using video chat and taking advantage of the chance to speak in Arabic with her. Tim tried, but he wasn't adept enough to actually have a conversation.
"Have you said anything to him yet?" Fatima asked.
"No. What if I'm wrong?"
"Do you really think you are?"
"No, but I'll admit that I don't have any experience."
"Nor do I, but my sisters knew. Tim loves you and you shouldn't hide it from him."
"I'm not! It's only been a couple of days that I've been thinking about it," Zahara protested.
"A couple of days. That's hiding it."
"What if he's not happy?"
"He will be."
"But he'll worry."
"All men worry. That seems to be all they know how to do. Zahara, tell him."
"Okay. I will. Tonight, when he comes home."
"Good. Ibrahim will have two days free this weekend and we're going to go to Zagora Province to see if we can find anything about your father."
"That's wonderful, but if it's his first vacation..."
"No, it's fine. We're going to stop at Tamegroute while we're down there and it will be a nice chance to get out into the desert for fun instead of for work. We'll have time together and that's the most important thing."
"All right."
"And let me know whether or not Tim faints when you tell him," Fatima said, grinning.
Zahara laughed. "Tim wouldn't faint. That's not the kind of man he is."
"He's a man. They're weaker than you think."
Zahara laughed again. "I have to go. Thank you for letting me talk."
"I'm always available to talk to you, Zahara. You know that. Perhaps Khadija and I will make a visit together. ...maybe in a few months?"
Zahara blushed. "Yes. Maybe."
"Good. Let me know."
"I will. Good-bye."
"Good-bye."
Zahara disconnected and then sat back for a few seconds. Fatima was right and she should have said something already, but this was new to her and she'd never had anyone to tell her about it.
But it would be tonight.
Determined, she went back to her shopping list to decide what to buy for dinner.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
All morning, Tamara felt like Levi's mind was on something significant, like he was only half paying attention to what was going on. It happened sometimes that he was preoccupied, but it hadn't really happened much in the last few weeks.
Then, she suddenly realized that she hadn't seen him in a while. Curious, she started to look for him.
And of all places, he was in the bathroom. She peeked inside and grinned.
Levi was standing at the sink, carefully shaving his head. For a few minutes, she just watched him, but then, he caught a glimpse of her in the mirror and turned around, raising a questioning eyebrow, probably at how wide her smile was.
"Yes?" he asked, sounding as close to normal as he had up to now.
"I never realized that you weren't just bald."
He actually smiled. "I should be, but part of my head wasn't getting the message."
"Why shave? It doesn't look bad, you know. It looks distinguished."
"I disagree, but even if I didn't, a balding man looks more like a librarian or an accountant than he does a CIA agent. Not very intimidating. And now...it's what I'm used to seeing in the mirror. I've been shaving my head regularly for at least fifteen years, probably closer to twenty."
"So you're going to keep it up?"
"Yes. Now that I can."
He turned back to the mirror and continued to shave.
"I have to admit that I find it rather entertaining to see you so concerned with how you look."
Levi smiled a little. "Appearances can matter. It's all well and good for people to say that you shouldn't go by what you see, but that's the way humans are designed. Our brains are hardwired to analyze our environment. That includes others who are in that environment. If we simply ignore the cues we're given, we might as well say, eat me."
Tamara laughed. "I see your point, but I'm not sure we need to worry about being consumed."
"If you saw a person wearing a necklace made of human teeth, would you think, 'Well, I shouldn't judge based on what I'm seeing. Maybe it's just a family heirloom' or would you give that person the wide berth, maybe even go the other direction just in case you actually were in danger of coming face to face with a cannibal?"
"That's a rather large leap from shaving your head to cannibalism."
Levi's eyes actually twinkled with amusement. "Maybe not as large as you might think."
"Levi, have you seen a necklace of human teeth? Is that what you're telling me?"
"No. I haven't. I'm just pointing out that we present an image to the world and we decide what that is. We can't choose an image that has a particular interpretation and then get upset when people give us that exact interpretation."
"So you're saying you don't want to be taken for an accountant."
"No, I don't. That's not what I am. It would be a form of lying to pretend I was."
"Whatever makes you happy."
"It's my head, Tamara. It's not about happiness. Just about what's right."
"Isn't it always."
He glanced at her, searching for a double meaning and didn't reply.
"You missed a spot," Tamara said after a few more seconds.
"Where?"
"In the back. Here. Let me."
She stepped forward and took the razor. Carefully, she shaved the small spot that Levi had missed. Then, she rubbed her hand on the newly-smooth skin and handed back the razor.
"There."
He hadn't turned around, but she saw his expression in the mirror.
"Thank you," he said, quietly.
The feeling in the bathroom had changed very suddenly.
"You're welcome."
Then, she touched his shoulder and left him to finish his task, wondering at the different feeling. Maybe he'd get around to telling her eventually.
In reality, she was just glad that he was aware enough to think about what he looked like and that his mind was working well enough that he could banter a little bit. He was getting stronger, closer to normal, although physically, he was still very run down.
Tamara just prayed that this wouldn't also mean a return to the emotionless interactions that had been far too common even after years of trying to come back together again.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim came home and smelled the glorious smell of Berber-style beef tagine. While he didn't begrudge Zahara trying new recipes or forcing some of the ones she knew on him, he had to admit that this was his favorite dish. Zahara always made it in the traditional clay tagine and it took over three hours to cook, so they didn't have it very often.
"What's the occasion?" he asked.
Zahara looked up from her book and smiled.
"We have not had it in a long time."
"No, we haven't. I'm definitely not complaining about dinner tonight."
Zahara laughed. "You never complain about dinner."
"Well, I did once. That tilapia one."
She wrinkled her nose at him. "That was a new recipe and I have not made it since, have I."
"No, but that's only because you hated it, too."
"How was I to know that it would be so bland?"
"You can't. Not without trying it first. The peppers tasted good."
"Well, dinner is ready. So you should change quickly."
"Will do."
As quickly as he could, Tim changed and went out to help set the table. It was only the two of them. There weren't many dishes, but they still always set the table together when they could. They ate and it was delicious as always. Tim was always tempted to eat way too much, but usually he resisted so that there would be leftovers. Maybe he could even take some to work the next day and make everyone jealous.
"That was delicious, Zahara. I love it."
"I know. You seem to inhale it."
"Oh, no. I savor every bite. I just do it really fast."
"Ha." She kissed his cheek. "We should clean up and then I have something I need to tell you."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, but clean up, first."
"Okay."
Tim did wonder what it was about, but at the same time, Zahara didn't seem anxious or afraid. So he figured it was going to be about someone visiting again or maybe Fatima and Ibrahim had found some information about her father. As they cleaned up the kitchen, Tim talked about how he wondered if the team was being given simpler cases because of what had happened. He had even suggested it to the others, but they had said that wouldn't happen since the case had been mostly unsanctioned. Still, the downtime wasn't bad at all, and Tim didn't mind things being easier for a while.
"Okay. What is it?"
Zahara took his hand and pulled him to the couch. They sat down and Tim waited...and waited. Zahara fidgeted a little bit and Tim became a little worried. What was going on?
"Well?" he asked.
"Tim... I think I am pregnant," Zahara said, sounding a little nervous.
For a second, the words didn't even seem to have any meaning. Then, he thought he'd heard a word that had not even crossed his mind.
"What?"
"I think that I am pregnant."
There was that word again. Stunned wasn't even close to the word that described what he was now feeling.
"That's... That's what I thought you said. I thought you said that you were...pregnant."
Zahara smiled. "I did. Are you all right?"
All right? Was that even in the realm of possibility? Tim was pretty sure that all right didn't describe how he was feeling, but then, he tracked in on what she had said. His mind was whirling so fast that he didn't even know what to say. If he'd been standing when she said it, he'd probably have fallen over.
"Uh...I... I think I'm glad I'm sitting. You said you think? You're not sure?" If Zahara had done this without knowing for sure, Tim wasn't sure he could take the possible emotional rollercoaster.
"Well, I have not yet been sick but I have seen some signs."
"You haven't taken a pregnancy test or anything?"
"A what?" Zahara asked, her brow furrowing. "Is that really something people do?"
And then, Tim realized that this was not something that would necessarily have ever come up for Zahara. Why would she even think about it? Come to think of it, did Morocco even have them? He had no idea.
Finally, he started to smile.
"Okay. We're going to a store where we can buy one and see."
"Tim, I am quite certain," Zahara said. "A doctor would need to confirm, but this is not a guess."
"This will make it even more certain. For me," Tim said. He jumped to his feet and held out his hand.
"Are you happy?" Zahara asked.
"My mind is going a million miles a second. You might know, but I need something more...visual before I decide if I'm happy or not."
Zahara laughed and let him pull her to her feet.
"In a few months, it will be very visual," she said.
"I can't wait that long! Besides, if you're right, we'll need to find... Wow. We'll have so much to do. And...things to buy. Do you think that this place is big enough and..." Tim's brain started supplying everything he could possibly need to worry about.
"Tim, calm down. If I am right, we will have many months to figure things out. If you start worrying now, you might get an ulcer."
"I might anyway," Tim said, blushing a little at his reaction.
Then, he dragged Zahara with him out of the building and to the nearest store. They bought a test, went back home, Zahara took the test and they waited for the results. In fact, they set the test out of sight while they waited the prescribed time to keep from peeking early.
"Tim, do you not want this to be true?" Zahara asked as they waited.
Tim looked at her. He smiled.
"I do want it to be true. I'm just worried about it being true, too. Just like I worried about marrying you. I wanted it, but I wasn't sure I should have it."
Zahara cupped her hand on his cheek and touched his scars.
"I have never regretted marrying you. I have a very good life and I am happy, Tim. Our child will be happy with us, too."
The timer Tim had set suddenly went off and he jumped.
"Time to look. What if this shows nothing?"
"These tests are not always accurate," Zahara said. "You read that yourself."
"Yeah, I know. It's just that it's all built up in my head now."
"It will not change if we don't look at it."
"I know."
They grabbed the test and looked at it. While Tim trusted Zahara to know her own body, he was just more of a tactile kind of person.
"Pregnant," he said and started grinning. He leaned over and hugged Zahara tightly. "You're pregnant! You're pregnant, Zahara!"
"I was before this test," Zahara said.
Tim laughed. "I know. But it seems more real to me now. This... Zahara, I still sometimes have to remind myself that I was able to fall in love and get married. Having kids... It's like the ultimate dream in the middle of what could have been a nightmare. It's..." Then, another thought struck him. "We're going to need to find a doctor. Man, I don't even know where to go!"
"We know doctors. They should be able to tell us someone. There are people at NCIS who have children. They will know doctors," Zahara said reasonably.
"You're way too calm," Tim said.
Zahara smiled. "One of us has to be."
"I'm sorry that I'm freaking out about this."
Zahara hugged him back. "You are excited. Not freaking out. I thought maybe you did not want children to worry about."
"I don't want to worry, but I know I will. ...but that's not even a little bit what I was thinking. Honestly, I just hadn't got far enough to think about having kids."
"We decided not to for the first year anyway," Zahara said. "That became a habit."
"Yeah. Wow. I... I always wanted to be a father," he said finally.
"And now, you will be."
Tim leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you."
They discarded the test and cleaned up. Then, they went and sat down on the couch again. Zahara snuggled up close to Tim. He put his arms around her, feeling like he already had to start protecting her. Would he be able to just be happy without worrying? Probably not, but as the reality of it began to settle in on him, Tim just couldn't believe how amazing his life was. All the things he'd wanted to have, he had.
And he was about to have more.
They could have done some major celebrating, but instead, they decided to have their usual movie night.
But they sat very close together and Tim held Zahara all the way through show.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tamara woke up in the middle of the night. She sat up and realized that Levi wasn't in bed. She knew that he often woke up during the night, but normally, she didn't hear him. He was very quiet.
She got out of bed and walked out into the living room. It was empty, but the TV was on and she realized that it was one of the old home movies playing. She watched for a few seconds. It was one that she hadn't pulled out in years, not since the divorce at least. Bri had been only three years old. She was sitting on Levi's lap and he was showing her pictures of his family. He'd never had many, for obvious reasons, but this had been right after his mother had died and he had cleaned out her house. She had started filming before he'd noticed.
"Who dat, Daddy?"
"That's my daddy."
"Where your daddy?"
"He died."
"Why?"
There was a long pause and she could see him struggling with his emotions. Then, he smiled, although she knew that he didn't really feel like smiling.
"He was sick and he just couldn't get better."
"You die, Daddy?"
"No. No, I won't die like that. You're stuck with me."
Levi hugged Bri tightly and then set aside the album and looked up. He looked a little self-conscious at being filmed.
"This will be the most boring video you've ever made, Tamara."
Then, she heard her own voice.
"It's beautiful, Levi. We'll watch it when Brianna is off to college and cry that our little girl is so big."
Of course, that hadn't happened. He'd been gone by then. And she'd rarely had the heart to watch these videos she'd made when they were so happy together.
Tamara walked over to turn off the TV. Then, she happened to glance out into the back yard. Levi was sitting on the grass, his back to the house. Curious, Tamara walked out.
"Levi? What are you doing out here?"
There was no response. Now, she was a little concerned. She walked over to him and knelt down beside him.
And she got a major shock. His eyes were closed and tears were running down Levi's cheeks. He wasn't sobbing. In fact, if you didn't see the tears, you wouldn't even know he was crying.
For a moment, she didn't know what to do simply because she had no idea what was driving this and she'd had so few opportunities to take care of him that way. Once his mother died, he'd had no more family to lose. All had been lost years before she'd met him, and she'd never given him any reason to mourn a loss. This was new territory.
Then, she put her arms around him as she had when he'd first been rescued.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
Still no response. She got the feeling that Levi was trying not to reveal his turmoil but his body still wasn't strong enough to hold it back.
"Please, Levi, talk to me."
He leaned his head on her shoulder but still didn't speak.
"Levi, I don't care if your voice is quivering or if you have to stammer or anything. I already know you're not weak. Please, let me help you."
"That's what's wrong," he said, almost in a whisper.
"What?"
He sat up and turned to face her. He didn't bother to wipe the tears away. He let them fall.
"I don't deserve what you're offering me. You shouldn't do this."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I destroyed our family, Tamara. And I can't even claim to have done it accidentally. I did it on purpose, thinking it would be better for you to be separated from me because of what I felt I had to do. And perhaps it was justified in that respect, but I didn't save Quinn from being murdered. I didn't save Brianna from being captured and tortured. I didn't save you from grief. What did I actually accomplish by destroying my family? I can't see that I did anything except destroy it."
His voice was so soft that it was almost inaudible, and Tamara knew it was because, no matter what she'd said, he didn't want to be weak, not even when revealing his weakness.
"I did that...and now... you are giving me the chance to have what I destroyed back. Why? Why would you do this for me? What have I done to deserve it? And I know the answer is nothing."
The funny thing was that this was the same question Bri had asked. What in the world could be the motivating factor behind giving someone a chance he didn't deserve. She could say that they'd made a deal and she was living up to her end of the bargain, but that wasn't really it. She would have done this without the bargain.
"Because I love you, Levi," she said, finally. "I never stopped loving Levi Carew, even when I hated Director Carew. I love you, and I know that you love me. We can't get back the time we lost, but we have time ahead of us and why would I keep that chance from you when it punishes me, too? I want the family we built."
"We can't have that," Levi said. "Quinn is dead and I might as well be as far as Bri is concerned. We can't have that family."
"Yes, we can. Quinn is dead, but that doesn't mean he's not still a part of the family. And Bri will soften in time. You just have to give her that time."
Tamara reached out and wiped away the tears Levi refused to acknowledge. Then, she took his head in her hands and leaned over until their foreheads were touching.
"We can be a family again," she said, firmly. "You just have to believe it. I believe it and I believe that it's possible for us to have our family whole and complete, even though Quinn can't be here. He would still want this. Levi, punishing yourself only punishes the rest of us, too. I can see how much you regret what was lost, but you can also look forward. Stop looking back to that time, stop looking back to your father, stop looking back to all of that. Look forward for once. I know that you can. If you could plan to fix something that took thirty years to happen, you can look forward and try to fix your family."
They sat there in silence again. Then, Levi pulled back and looked her in the eye, his dark eyes unreadable as ever.
"I haven't gone anywhere besides therapy, so I can't do this right."
"Do what? What are you talking about?"
Levi reached out and took her left hand in his.
"It's not a family if we're not married. Would you marry me again?"
Tamara had thought she couldn't be more surprised, but she was. She was stunned, so shocked that she couldn't even think of anything to say. She tightened her grip on his hand as he continued to talk.
"Can you take me as I am, knowing that it might not ever be what you really want? I'm still cracked, even if I'm not broken, and I'm not the man I was. I've been watching those old videos and I can't be that man again, not with all the will in the world." He paused for a moment and took a breath, as if he was steeling himself to say something momentous. "But I never stopped loving you, even if I never showed that to you. I never stopped."
Tamara smiled. "Oh, Levi. I don't need you to be who you were. I need you be who you are. If you can promise me that you'll try to be that, then, yes, I will marry you again. My family will think I'm insane. They did when we started this, but yes."
He still held her hand, but he turned it over so that he could see her ring finger.
"I'll get you a new ring...when I don't get tired by just walking out of the bedroom."
Tamara almost said that she didn't need a new ring, but then, she decided that it would be good for them both.
"Don't spend too much on it. We don't need that kind of thing."
"Wouldn't dream of it," he said and smiled a little bit.
"Levi, if you want to put this family back together, I will be there every step of the way."
"I do," he said. "I just don't think I can."
"You can't alone, because a family isn't just you, but you can do it with help and you'll have it."
Then, he slowly brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it. They hadn't been at all intimate in the years they'd been back together, even when sleeping in the same bed. But somehow, this was a deeper moment than anything else could have been at this point.
She stood up, still holding his hand.
"Come back to bed, Levi."
He nodded and let her help him stand and they went back into the house.
