Chapter 41

Tim walked into NCIS, his mind still buzzing with the knowledge that he was going to be a father. He had barely been able to sleep that night and Zahara had finally had to tell him that she wasn't going to shatter if he stopped looking at her. He figured that he'd probably settle down after a few days of the news sinking in, but it had been less than a day since he'd found out and he was still freaking out about it.

The elevator dinged and he got off, wondering if he'd be able to act normally today at all. Tony and Ziva were both already at their desks. In fact, he was just barely on time in spite of the fact that he'd got up early. Everything was just a little off kilter today.

"Good morning, Tim. You seem in a good mood," Ziva said.

"Must have had a good night," Tony said with a bit of a leer.

And it just slipped out. He hadn't even planned on saying anything just yet since they hadn't had it confirmed by a doctor, but it was all he was thinking about. And it just came out.

"Zahara's pregnant!" he said, much too loudly.

And then, blushed furiously as half the bullpen seemed to be looking at him at once. There were a few seconds of surprised silence, very uncommon first thing in the morning.

"Excited, are you, Probie?" Tony asked.

"A little," Tim said and smiled a little as a few of the witnesses to his outburst tittered.

"A little? You look ready to launch."

Tim cleared his throat and walked to his desk, just that he could sit down and be out of view of most of the bullpen.

Tony and Ziva walked over to him, though.

"Please, don't ask me how it happened. You'll just make me feel more embarrassed," Tim said.

Tony grinned.

"Now, that I think of it..."

"No, Tony," Tim said.

"Did you just find out?" Ziva asked.

"Zahara told me last night when I got home. I was going to wait to say something until we'd at least gone to a doctor to confirm it," Tim said, still feeling the heat in his face. "It'll be really awkward if we ended up being wrong."

"We won't tease you too much," Tony said.

"Yeah, right," Tim muttered.

"I'm surprised your face isn't bursting into flames with how red it is," Tony said.

"How are you feeling about it?" Ziva asked.

"I'm alternating between so excited I could die and so worried I could die. There's so much to think about and plan and..."

"And before you start planning and worrying, you should let yourself be happy about it," Ziva interrupted. "You deserve to be happy, Tim."

Tim looked at them both and quirked a half smile.

"Is there time to just be happy?"

"Yes," Ziva said. "You have many months to worry."

"And then years after the baby is born, too. And nothing will go wrong," Tony added. "I can tell you're thinking about it. Stop."

"A few days and I'll be back on an even keel again," Tim said.

"Bad analogy, Probie. You're never on an even keel."

Tim laughed. "True."

Then, Gibbs walked in and stopped to look at his team all crowded around Tim's desk. He raised an eyebrow.

"Everything's fine, Boss," Tim said, testing to see if Gibbs' usual omniscience held true.

"Congratulations," he said.

"Thanks, Boss."

"Better tell everyone else since half the building knows already."

Tim jumped to his feet.

"You're right."

He hurried to the elevator and went down to Abby's lab, first. Hopefully, he could keep this relatively short by saying he had to tell Ducky and Jimmy, too. In reality, everyone in the building would know about it within an hour, but his friends should hear it from him first.

...and he got very little work done for the rest of the day as he fielded questions from everyone, received congratulations and made sure to tell even Cynthia. He was understandably distracted, but for once, Gibbs didn't insist on things being normal, but then, he'd always been more lenient when it came to Tim's family. Normally, Tim tried not to take advantage, but with this big news, he needed the time to adjust and it was nice that he had this one day where he could have a little lower productivity and celebrate a little bit.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Levi was leaning back in the car, letting himself rest from his therapy. He was getting better, stronger, but that meant that they were pushing him more so that he could continue to get better. Today had been the first of the next stage and he had been wiped out by it. Bri had picked him up as she had frequently, but she hadn't said a word to him this time. He was okay with that. As soon as he'd sat down in the car, he'd closed his eyes and let himself breathe.

Then, he felt the car slow to a stop. He realized that he'd been unconsciously following the route Bri was driving and he knew that they shouldn't be stopping already. He opened his eyes.

"Do you want to stop here, Dad?" she asked, staring out the windshield.

He sat up and then stared at Bri for a long moment. It was rare that his daughter was able to surprise him. And this time, Bri had not only surprised him. She had shocked him.

"A jewelry store?" he asked.

Bri took a breath and still didn't look at him.

"If you and Mom are going to get married again, you're going to need to give her a ring. I don't think she has the one she had before."

"She told you?"

"No. I heard you last week."

"Eavesdropping?"

"You want to keep things private, don't talk right outside my bedroom window at two in the morning. I'll listen just out of resentment that you woke me up."

Levi found that he could smile.

"Good point. Yes, I'd like to stop here." He hesitated and then took a breath himself. "But I'm not sure I can make it inside the store after therapy today. Would you mind giving me a hand?"

"All right."

Bri got out of the car and walked around. Levi put out his hand and let her help him stand and then support him a little bit as they walked into the store. The man behind the counter looked concerned at his appearance, but Levi managed to smile.

"I'm a little winded. Do you have a chair I could sit on?"

"Yes, sir. Are you all right?"

"I'm recovering. This is better than I used to be."

"Oh, dear."

The man hurried out from behind the counter and got a chair for Levi to sit on. He sank down on it gladly. Then, the man suddenly realized he hadn't given his pitch.

"My name is Evan. Welcome to Johnson Jewelers. What can I do for you?"

"I need a ring."

Evan smiled. "Any special occasion? A wedding, perhaps?"

"Yes, that would be a good guess."

"You've come to the right place, then, sir." He then looked at Bri and then back at Levi, obviously wondering if the woman clearly much younger was the one for whom the ring was intended.

"This is my daughter," Levi said.

"Ah," Evan said, his face clearing. "Well, what kind of ring are you wanting? Given the situation, I can bring many of them out for viewing, although only one at a time."

"Understood."

He hadn't really decided what to get, but with Bri being suddenly magnanimous, he felt that he needed to make a decision today, right now.

"Do you have anything with a black band?"

"Yes, sir. Do you want the entire band black or just a strip?"

"Let me see some samples."

"Just give me a moment."

As Evan went back behind the counter, he felt Bri stir beside him.

"Black, Dad? Really? Can't you do anything normal?"

"No, I can't," he said, honestly. "But I have a reason for this."

"You always have a reason, even if it's just to annoy other people."

Levi smiled at that.

"So...what's the reason this time?"

He hesitated for just a moment and then decided to say it.

"Because your mother doesn't want anything big and flashy, but she deserves to have something unique and beautiful. And with a black band, any stone, no matter how small will stand out. Life in the midst of darkness."

A long pause...which was only broken by Evan coming back with two different rings. Levi suppressed a smile when he saw the two rings. Way too ornate and high end. They probably cost multiple thousands of dollars.

"They both have too many stones," he said as he looked at them. "It needs to be simpler. Smaller stones and not sticking out so much."

Evan smiled.

"Would you consider something inset?"

"Yes."

"All right. Just a moment."

He disappeared behind the counter again.

"You really feel that way. About Mom."

"Yes," Levi said, glad that he couldn't see Bri's face at the moment. She was just slightly behind him and he preferred that.

Evan came back with two more rings. Levi guessed that he'd decided it was too much trouble to really do only one at a time when the customer couldn't even stand at the counter.

"Here's one with a single stone and an inset green ceramic band."

Levi picked up the ring. The band was a little thicker than a typical wedding ring, but it did have a bright green stone with a narrow band of matching green running through.

"I like the idea, but not the green. Either white or maybe pink."

"All right."

Evan took the rings away again.

"Are you sure you really want a black band, Dad?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

Evan was back again.

"Here's something a little different. The band is black, with a line of small princess cut diamonds. They do catch the light wonderfully and with the black band, they even have a slightly purple hue when the light hits them just right."

Levi looked at it and that was the one. He knew, with the diamonds and the tungsten band, it would be expensive, but even if Tamara had said not to, he didn't care what the cost was. This was the ring he wanted.

"How much?" he asked.

"Eight hundred dollars. The diamonds add up to a carat."

"Dad, that's a lot of money."

"Yes, it is. I'll take it." He pulled out his wallet and handed over his credit card.

"Are you sure Mom will want that expensive of a ring?"

Levi smiled as he held out the credit card.

"Probably not, but she'll like it, and I won't tell her unless she asks."

"Do you know the ring size?" Evan asked.

"Yes. She'll need a 7."

"All right. We'll have to resize it, but that will be a simple job and should only take a day or two."

"Thank you."

Evan thanked them for their business and then Bri helped Levi back out to the car. He hadn't planned on this, but he was glad to have done it.

"I have the money, Bri," he said softly as he relaxed into the seat again.

"I don't doubt that. You never spent a lot on yourself."

"And I didn't have anyone else to spend it on."

That was a wide opening for a dig at him, and he knew it.

But Bri said nothing.

She just drove him home. Neither of them mentioned the impromptu stop to Tamara. Levi just took a nap, knowing that he had the time.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim was sitting outside NCIS, waiting. He had an ulterior motive. He did want to get home. It seemed like every moment was a new thing to think about with the prospect of being a father. He had calmed down in the week since finding out (and they'd got it confirmed), but he still couldn't stop thinking about it.

But as with Gibbs when he'd got engaged, Tim had discovered that his newfound joy made him want to spread that around and try to fix things that still were broken.

So he was waiting. Like with Gibbs, he didn't know how this would turn out, but he felt he needed to do it. In a way, this would be more difficult than Gibbs, but still worth attempting.

Then, the door opened and Tony came walking out.

"Hey, McGee," he said. "Thought you'd be home trying to smother Zahara with concern."

Tim smiled. "Not yet. Can I talk to you?"

Tony's brow furrowed a little.

"Sure. What?"

They started walking.

"Do you think you can ever stop feeling guilty?" Tim asked.

"What do I have to feel guilty for?" Tony asked in return.

"Nothing, but that's not stopped you before."

"Oh, come on."

"I'm serious, Tony," Tim said. "You have nothing to feel guilty for, at least not as it applies to me and I hate that you keep beating yourself up about it. It's why you can't forgive Levi, either."

"What?" Tony asked incredulously. He stopped in his tracks on the pier by the U.S.S. Barry. "What in the world does Carew have to do with what we're talking about?"

"Everything," Tim said. "You can't forgive yourself and what Levi was worse so if you don't deserve to be forgiven, he definitely doesn't. Until you can let go of the useless guilt you have, you can't soften toward anyone else."

"So you want me to forgive Carew, is that it?"

"No. I've told you before. I don't care how you feel about Levi. But I do care how you feel about yourself, Tony. And I want you to forgive yourself."

"For what?" Tony asked, staring hard out at the river.

Tim smiled. Even when they both knew exactly what they were talking about, Tony still didn't want to say it.

"For hitting me on the back when you didn't know that I had shrapnel in my back. And maybe you don't know it, but I know that you would never have done that if you had known."

"No, you don't know that, Tim," Tony said. "You can't know that because I was mad at you. I was blaming you for what had happened and I was furious that you didn't seem to care about what we'd gone through for you. And I was glad you hurt, Tim. I was glad. You can't know."

"Yes, I can, Tony. Because I know who you are, and while you might be pretty cruel with your words when you want to be, you don't physically attack people when you're mad." Tim grabbed Tony's arm. "You would not have hit me if you had known."

"Even if you're right, I still hurt you," Tony said. "You saved our lives and I hurt you."

"You did," Tim said. "But I understood. I knew where it was coming from. You were hurting and you lashed out at the only person you could. I was there. And I didn't seem to be hurt. You couldn't know how I felt right then. Even if you knew, you couldn't have cared about me. You just couldn't."

"I should have."

Tim laughed. "No. In a perfect world, yeah, you should have, but this isn't a perfect world, Tony. It's messy and painful...and wonderful. Tony, I'm happy. I'm married to a wonderful woman and in a few months I'm going to be a father. I have everything I wanted to have when I was younger. I have extra stuff that I don't like, but I'm still happy. And I hate that people I care about aren't. And if I'm contributing to that in any way, I want to stop it."

"You're not."

"Yeah, I am. Because I can see it in your eyes. It's like you suddenly remember what you did and you walk on eggshells for a while. Then, things go back to normal and you stop it. And then it happens again and again. And it's me that's triggering it, Tony. We both know it. And if you would just stop blaming yourself for my pain, it would be better for everyone."

"Even Carew?" Tony asked, sarcastically.

"No," Tim said, rolling his eyes. "Quite frankly, Tony, I'd bet quite a bit of money that Levi doesn't care what you think of him. Not even a little bit. I only care how you feel about Levi for your sake, not for his. If I thought you'd might go after him, I'd worry, but I know you wouldn't."

"You're giving me way too much credit, McGee."

"No, I'm not," Tim said, and he grinned. "I think you're being unreasonable in how you talk about Levi. I think you're taking way too much on yourself when it comes to what I've gone through. You've helped way more than hindered. And sometimes, when you get so solicitous of me, I want to smack you. I'm giving you the credit you deserve."

Tony sighed and walked away from him.

"Except that you keep letting me off for what I really did do, something you can't make go away."

Tony sat down on a bench, facing the river.

"What?" Tim asked. He walked over and sat down by Tony.

Tony turned to Tim and touched the skin over the metal plate in his cheek.

"You can't make the reason you have this go away." Then, he pointed to Tim's eye. "Or this. Or your feet that sometimes hurt you a little bit. Or the scars. You can't make that go away, Tim."

"You didn't do any of this, Tony. Jubran did most of it, and he's dead."

"They wouldn't have known who you were if I hadn't told them. They couldn't have done all that to you if they didn't know who you are. ...which they did...because I told them."

Tim nodded. "I know. Just like the CIA wouldn't have found me if Gibbs hadn't made me hack their servers. I get it, Tony. But guess what, I don't have to blame you. And if I don't, then, you have no right to blame yourself."

"I don't?" Tony asked, sounding a little irritated.

"No! Because I'm the one who was hurt by it, right?"

Tony didn't say anything. Tim could have left it, but he wanted to get Tony to admit it.

"Right, Tony? I mean, they're my scars."

"Yeah," Tony said, a little reluctantly.

"So if I'm the one who was hurt and I don't want there to be any blame spread around, then, the best thing you can do is to stop blaming yourself. Right?"

"It's not that simple," Tony said. He stood up and took a few steps away.

But Tim wasn't ready to let this go yet.

"Yes, it is that simple, Tony. It's not that easy, but it is that simple. If this is really about me, then, what I want is for you to stop hurting yourself for my sake because it's not helping me."

"Maybe it's not about you," Tony said, softly.

"No maybe about it," Tim said, gently without censure. "It's not about me, and it hasn't been for a long time. Tony, this has become something that you seem to hold onto without even thinking about it, and you shouldn't. I know about useless guilt. I still struggle with it, sometimes, but it doesn't rule me anymore. That's what I want for you, Tony. I want you to stop using me as a whip for your self-flagellation."

Tony raised an eyebrow at him.

"You start writing again?"

"Nope. No time," Tim said, easily. "But I could because I have a life that allows for the possibility. Tony, I'm happy. Please, stop beating yourself down because my life isn't perfect. You said it yourself. I can't have a perfect life and I have to learn to live with the life I have. I've done that. So let it go. I don't expect it to happen all at once. I just want to you to try, to work on it."

"You finished?"

Tim could see that Tony was trying to avoid making any kind of commitment, but he didn't want to let that happen again.

"No, not if you're not going to say something about what I'm asking. You've avoided it before and this time, I want you to commit."

"You practicing to be a shrink yourself?" Tony asked.

"Nope. I've just got a good one and I learn. Will you at least try to let it go, to stop blaming yourself for my hard knocks?"

Tony looked away from him for a few seconds. Tim knew that Tony didn't want to say anything...which was why Tim was pushing for it this time.

Finally, Tony sighed.

"I'm not making any promises, but I'll work on it."

"Thanks. That's all I wanted."

Tony turned back to him.

"Why do this now?"

Tim smiled. "Because I'm going to be a father."

"Huh?"

"I'm happier now than I was before. And the happier I am, the more obvious other people's problems are. I just want people to have the same chance I do."

Tony rolled his eyes a little but then, he walked over and slung his arm around Tim's shoulders. They started toward the parking lot.

"Sharing the wealth, huh?" he asked.

"I'm trying to," Tim said.

"You have enough wealth to do that?"

"Yep. The nice thing about happiness is you don't run out...and it doesn't obey the law of conservation of energy. You can create happiness."

Tony groaned. "Oh man, McGee. Will you ever learn to to stop with the lame science linkups?"

"Nope. I don't think so."

"Your poor child."

"Yep. He or she will be a genius," Tim said.

He slid out from under Tony's arm.

"You want to come over for dinner? It's been a while."

"Nah. I'll take a rain check. Maybe this weekend?"

"Sure. I'll tell Zahara."

Tim couldn't help smiling when he said her name. Then, he saw that Tony had noticed.

"You really are happy, aren't you, Tim."

"Yeah, I am."

"I'm glad."

"Me, too."

Then, Tony headed off to his car and Tim went home, satisfied that he'd done some good, even if it wasn't necessarily everything he'd wanted.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tamara was checking her shopping list when Bri came and sat down beside her.

"Hey, honey," she said, not looking up. "Do you need something?"

"I think it's time I get back to New York," Bri said.

Tamara looked up. "You're probably right. It's probably overdue, but I've been glad to have you here."

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes. I think your father will be all right alone when it's necessary. He's getting better all the time."

"Okay."

Bri got up and started to walk away.

"Brianna."

She stopped.

"I don't know when yet. We want to wait until your father is in better shape, but will you come to the wedding? It's going to be small. Just a few people, but we want you there."

Bri looked at the ring Tamara was now wearing.

"Both of you?"

"Yes," Tamara said firmly. "And I'm not just saying that. Your father wants you there."

"Are you sure of that?"

"Yes."

"Do you like the ring?"

"Yes, I love it. I'm sure it cost more than I wanted him to spend, but it's beautiful. Unexpected, just like he is."

Bri turned back, but her expression unreadable.

"I'll be there."

"Thank you."

Bri nodded and walked away.

Tamara went back to her list, but she smiled to herself. It was happening. It was slow and would likely take a long time, but it was happening. She was getting her family back.