Title - To Breathe Again

Rating: "T" for language, suicidal actions/thoughts

World State: Normal

Word Count: 3,003

Summary: The kunai leaves a glistening ruby on her wrist, tears cloud her sight and she whispers, "You said you loved me."

Credits: Chapter title is a reference to the Disturbed song, "Darkness." Lyrics at the top belong to L'ame Immortelle and come from their song, "Leaving."


Unfold your heart and let me see
the pain you bear because of me.
I'm innocent but broke your heart.
Destroyed your dreams, ripped them apart.


The sky has fallen in.

It was the only thing that made sense. The already gray and blustery day had turned dark hours ahead of schedule and unleashed a torrent of rain and thunder. Ino watched the window of her bedroom get lashed by the wind and wondered what it would be like if the glass shattered and the shards found their way to her vitals. She didn't think but simply felt that that would have been nice.

She clutched her pillow tighter to her chest, the edge of the soft linen case soaked with tears. Her breath came in choking gasps, lungs and throat aching after hours of sobbing.

Her eyes hurt, her head hurt.

Everything hurt.

The sky had fallen and she was already dead.


If the Yamanaka clan could pride themselves on a single quality then it was that their minds were fortresses. They had to be when it was their job send their mind to new and often dangerous places. In part of the Yamanaka teachings she had been taught when she was little, Ino learned how to meditate; to block out all else and focus her mind with laser precision.

Little Ino had often taken the saying literally and imagined a castle inside her own head. It had eventually become a useful tool. When trying to recall a piece of information, all she had to do was walk the halls of her fortress; imagining the stacks of scrolls and books and browse through them. It was not perfect and she could not always recall exactly what she wished, but it worked more often than not.

It was surprising then to find her taking up space in Ino's tidy mental fastness one day.


Ino was fourteen when she began to wonder and sixteen when she was sure.

"I'm gay."

There had been nothing else to say at that point. The small talk was over, the friendly cup of tea poured and sipped at.

"So, I guess that means I'll actually have Sasuke to myself, huh, pig?" Sakura asked after a moment. Ino ignored the tightening in her chest.

"Yeah, the Uchiha brat is all yours, forehead," Ino replied, drowning her mounting and unprovoked anxieties with the rest of her tea. She had no claim on Sakura. It was ignorant, and evil, to even entertain the thought. Regardless, she had no interest in Billboard Brow just as she was sure Sakura wasn't gay. She and Sakura were friends. Period. So, why...?

"Unless this is some tricky pig plot so you could declare your love for me," Sakura snarked. Ino choked on her tea.

"Puh-lease, forehead. Not even in your wildest dreams," Ino scoffed, the lie catching on her teeth before it could betray her.


Ino's mind is a disquiet place. It had been for years now.

The little daylight left in the sky eroded away as the storm raged. Ino wanted a flood. She wanted the rivers across the Land of Fire to break their banks. She wanted the waters to rise up to her third-floor apartment window and drown her on her sad little mattress. Thunder tore the sky apart and she wondered if being struck by lightning hurt.

Sakura was dancing on the ruins of her fortress, tearing the walls down and shattering the peace. She was laughing and kicking at disorganized memories, scattering loose pages Ino was sure she didn't want back anyway.

How did she even get in there?

Why was she there?


"How" was far easier to answer, and far less painful; The Rinne Festival, three years ago.

The streets had been swept of snow and lights glittered in and around every window. Gifts and cheer and alcohol flowed freely. Food carts stood on every corner offering roasted nuts and sweets of all shapes and sizes.

And Sasuke had returned.

"Returned," in this instance, to mean he sought out Naruto in the Hokage's office and departed again immediately afterward. Sakura was only made aware of his visit after he had gone.

Ino had already been out tippling with Shikamaru and Choji. Kiba had discovered some foul concoction in a dive bar on the outskirts of the city. Though the bright, acid-green liqour looked inviting it was stomach-churningly bitter; until sugar was added to the mix, at least.

"Now, you guys," Ino said, only lightly slurring as they left Kiba to his toxic beverage, "You guys gotta be my wingmen sometime. I need a date, suuuper bad." Shikamaru and Choji shared a look behind her back and rolled their eyes. It was not the first time Ino had required this of them and was likely not the last. "I mean, it's not- It's a hunting thing. It's not like I'm gonna get some cutie to just run in-" she cut off with a shriek as the human-equivalent of a charging bull rounded the corner and nearly plastered the group to the wall.

"Was that Sakura?" Shikamaru asked, holding up his hand to fend off the vortex of snow kicked up by the medic-nin's passing. Ino didn't bother brushing the snow from her hair as she dipped back into the dive bar, insisting that she would regroup with Shikamaru and Choji later. Shikamaru rolled his eyes again at her retreating form.

"Troublesome."


Sakura had wept and cursed long before she had even started feeling the alcohol. Ino was off far worse. Her head swam with her second visit to the bar and another visit with Kiba. She watched Sakura from across the table, unable to keep herself from thinking how pretty Billboard Brow actually was even when she had tears clinging to her eyelashes and face flushed with emotion and alcohol. It struck her how familiar this scene was. Sakura, harmed by a simple action rather than words this time, crying her eyes out as Ino tried to put the pieces back together.

Ino couldn't recall when they left the bar. She did not remember stumbling with Sakura back to her home. She did not remember a confusing press of lips, inquisitive hands, or asking Sakura if it was just because she was drunk.

Sakura woke the next day before she did and offered coffee and toast before hesitantly asking her out. "For a real date," she had quantified.


It's right there, Ino told herself. Just on the other side of the room. You just have to get up and get it.

Her kunai pouch rested atop her dresser, nondescript and nonthreatening, promised serenity contained within.

You can't do it, can you? It's easier than laying here until you starve, you won't have to hurt anymore.

Fresh tears blurred her vision and she stayed on the bed.

You're pathetic.


"Forever and ever, forehead?"

Ino almost felt silly asking, but if you can't be silly with the one you love, then who? Sakura smiled and threaded her fingers with Ino's.

"Forever and ever, pig," she confirmed and kissed Ino sweetly. Ino grinned.

"What would I do without you?" she asked.

"Crash and burn, probably," Sakura snarked before dodging a tickle aimed at her ribs.

Who would have ever guessed that forever and ever was only about three years worth of time. Looking back, it was painfully obvious.


Ino watched from her place by the door as her world slowly shrank and became barren. Sakura bustled efficiently around their little apartment, her bags almost fully packed now. Ino didn't not fail to note that Sakura refused to look at her. This was the edge of the knife people always talked about. Where a single word or action would result in doom.

"I don't understand," Ino said quietly, feeling her heart sink to her stomach. Sakura still did not look up from craming a final few articles of clothing into one bag. Ino took a hesitant step forward and laid a hand gently on Sakura's shoulder.

The knife was in hand.

"I- I just need some time, Ino," Sakura muttered, moving away to check something else. At the utterance of her own name, Ino felt it like a blow to the gut. It was never "Ino," it was always "pig." Her mind whirled, the walls of her fortress crumbling.

The knife was raised.

"There isn't enough time on all of these missions you've been taking lately?" Ino queried with a frown. "I almost feel like I'm living with a strange for how long you're gone anymore." Sakura finally turned to her, though it was not the Billboard Brow she knew. Her face was impassive, her normally bright and jovial eyes were guarded.

The knife was between her ribs.

"Do you want a hug?" Sakura asked, voice flat behind a thin mask of caring as she ignored Ino's questions. Ino nodded dumbly. Why wouldn't she ever want one? It was a brief, almost clinical thing that Ino realized hurt far worse than turning it down.

The knife was in her heart.

"Why do you have to go?" Ino whimpered, afraid to raise her voice any higher for fear of exposing the tremble there. Sakura pulled out of the hug fast enough that it hurt and began gathering up her bags.

"We rushed it, Ino. Just, please, give me some time?"

The knife twisted.

Sakura moved for the door, brushing past Ino like she wasn't there. On impulse, Ino reached out and snagged Sakura's hand one last time, leaning in to press a final kiss to Sakura's cheek.

"You be good," Ino whispered, only realizing later what it actually sounded like and hating herself for it.

Sakura did not reply, did not look back as she pulled the door shut behind her.


There was no crash. There was no burn.

No, it was something far more insidious, Ino realized as she listened to the wind howl outside.

It was a rot. Slow and creeping and unstoppable. It paralyzed her and left her struggling to breathe. It hadn't been noticeable at first, but laying there in her misery, Ino could see that it had been there for longer than she was proud to admit. As much as she wanted to pin its appearance on Sakura's departure, she knew better.

She had let Sakura in.

And the rot followed.


It was only a few days later that Ino felt her world go from small and barren to completely shattered.

She watched Sakura walk with the man, laughing as she stood on tip-toe to kiss him. He bore no hitai-ate, no familial crest. A civilian. One of the faceless masses that the ninja forces worked so hard to protect. Nothing stood out about him, not even as his eyes widened and jaw dropped at the sight of a blonde kunoichi slapping his date across the face.

Sakura turned with the blow, and kept her eyes away. Ino was only incensed further when Sakura failed to look at her. Ignoring the man and his attempts at peace, she slapped Sakura again in the same place; her pinkened cheek going rose red.

"How long?" Ino hissed, unshed tears threatening to spill over. The small crowd one could find hanging around any stretch of street at any time of the day muttered to themselves in hushed whispers. A few fingers pointed; some laughed, others shook their head, some simply watched. "HOW LONG?" Ino screamed, seizing Sakura by the collar when she still refused to look up.

How long for what? How long had Sakura been seeing him? How long had Sakura lied? How long was she going to have to wait for her to come back so they could forget it had ever happened? The sigh Sakura forced out spoke volumes to Ino.

How long are you going to hold on to this? Why can't you just let it go? You're forcing this out of me when it would be easier to just back off and go your way.

"It's been a few months, I thi-" Sakura began, cut off by a third ringing slap. Ino didn't care for the tears flowing down her cheeks. She didn't care that she was the center of a spectacle.

"You said you loved me, Sakura," Ino said, her voice even only through sheer iron will. Sakura's sigh this time was one of having to deal with a child that would ask a question and not wait for an answer before asking again.

"I do love you, Ino." Sakura took Ino's hands and forced her grip from her collar. "But I'm not in love with you," she said firmly, eyes going hard. "We made a mistake and we have to move past it."

Ino had not realized it was possible for the human body to go numb and remain standing. Her mouth agape, a strangled laugh passed her lips. She turned to Sakura's date who had been trying to fade into the background and held up three fingers.

"Three years," Ino chuckled, swiping at her tears with the back of her hand. "Three years is a mistake." She turned and strode away, a slab of cold iron falling over the lump in her throat.


Ino woke the next morning to find the storm broken and the sky clear.

Sleep had been just as exhausting as not sleeping, her dreams replaying the memories she no longer wanted. She half-expected to turn over and find Sakura hogging the blankets, but she kept herself from looking. Mercifully, the numbness that had overcome her yesterday had returned. But regardless of how the heart and mind felt, nature dictated that normally bodily functions continue.

Ino didn't want to, but she rolled out of bed for the first time in sixteen hours. It was better than the alternative of laying in her own piss. She stopped long enough to gulp down some water and shave a bit off of a soldier pill, knowing she wouldn't have the stomach for actual food.

She stared into the bathroom mirror. The woman that looked back at her had aged ten years in a day as she pinched the dark bags under her eyes and stared at her unmakeuped visage.

Look at you. The mighty Yamanaka Ino undone by a girl who didn't even have to lift a finger to do it.

The kunai pouch continued to mock her cowardice.

Ino was no coward. The kunai slipped from the pouch, scraping against its brethren like the grit of steel teeth. The tip of the dagger pressed easily into the tender skin of her wrist, a small ruby of blood welling immediately from the pinhole wound. Her medical training kicked in.

Just deep enough to open the radial artery, but not deep enough to disable the nerves. Have to be able to get the other arm. Two minutes, tops, and you're gone.

...It's the easiest way.

Tears fell before she realized she was crying again. Shame and heartbreak overwhelmed her, putting her on the floor, back to the wall as she tried to cradle herself. The kunai handle gleamed from the wall, buried there when she flung it away; a macabre ornament.

The easy way is not her way.

Yamanaka Ino is no coward.


It took several days, but Ino finally emerged from the dark hole her apartment had become. Shikamaru and Choji had been over in that time, but neither had been much of a help other than to pledge aid for when she needed it. Neither commented on the kunai in the wall.

She found them at Ichiraku like nothing had changed; Choji downing his fourth bowl and Shikamaru playing shogi against himself. She sat wordlessly and took one of their hands in each of her own and projected what she knew to them, unable to trust her own voice.

Choji wept for her. Shikamaru gripped her hand tightly, his eyes saying more than he could have out loud.

But both understood.

Ino would be fine.


Ino would have been a liar to say that things weren't different now.

It took far too long, but she still laughed. She still shamelessly bought clothing even if it stretched her funds. The flower shop remained her go to spot in her downtime. Slowly, her peace of mind returned and in her meditations she rebuilt her once perfect mental fortress. It was not the same as it had once been; perhaps the central tower was a little crooked now and the walls weren't perfectly straight, but it would have to do.

The wound eventually scabbed over. In her quiet moments alone, she would pick at it without meaning to and relive the pain all over again. But with time, all wounds heal even though a scar might be left behind to mar what was once a whole heart and mind. Though a scar is simply one part of a story and as long as one learned from, it did not make the story any less beautiful.

Ino guarded herself more closely now. None had come as close as Sakura had. Barring the perfect person wandering into her life, she intended to keep it that way.

She still saw Sakura around the village. She seemed happy with her new relationship, though Ino couldn't help hoping it would end miserably. It took time and practice, but such thoughts faded away alongside her pain. She eventually stopped seeing her former love, making her fade into the background; just one more piece of living meat.

And Ino learned to breath again.