*laughs awkwardly* So I finally posted a new chapter. It's not really up to what I usually write, but I seriously needed to just get this out and it's super important to the story. Please enjoy!
Pansy knew insanity. She'd seen it in the eyes of her classmates and fellow Death Eaters. It danced in people's eyes and spun them away with deadly grace. With the state of her mind at the moment, she was afraid that people would soon see her dancing the same steps.
She was going insane, she was sure of it. She felt like two different completely different people, and they were currently waging war in Pansy's mind. The paranoia that characterized her twenties was creeping back in spades. Everywhere she looked there seemed to be a conspiracy theory.
That's why one day, as she sat staring at Sally Anne Perks, she thought she was losing her mind. Pansy thought she was going crazy when she thought she recalled the Sally in her original timeline had brown eyes, and this one had hazel. She thought she was losing her marbles when the idea crossed her mind that hazel could be constituted as "golden green". Maybe she needed psychiatric help when the sight of Sally's odd birthmark reminded her of what they described as being the mark of Asteria.
However, since Pansy was going insane and paranoid, she figured she might as well follow through on her delusions and throw caution to the wind anyway. What she had to do was figure out how she would approach this. Her first option was to do the Gryffindor thing and straight up ask her. Another thing she could do was casually bring it up and watch for Sally's reaction. Either way, in the end neither would too negatively affect her.
The key was not listening to what the girl said, but rather watching her reaction. Sally was a sweet, honest person by nature. As far as Pansy could tell, she never had any ulterior motives. She was utterly transparent and if she brought it up directly, Sally would simply not be able to lie. Besides, this was probably just a delusion of hers anyway.
Pansy decided to take her opportunity one day soon after winter break during one of her and Sally's quiet moments. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, Sally and Pansy spent an hour before dinner studying and keeping up with their homework. From time to time, they invited Blaise to join them in the library or the Great Hall, and he watched in fascination as Sally knitted whatever project she was currently on. Today, Blaise wasn't there, but Sally was hard at work on a scarf that she thought he would absolutely love. They were sitting in the corner of the Common Room.
Pansy slowly set her quill down, making sure not to make a sound as she pushed away her parchment and casually propped her chin on her sweaty, tingling palms.
"You're Fate's Gift," Pansy stated. Sally's needles paused. Her face tried to carefully arrange itself into one of polite confusion, but Sally was no Slytherin, and Pansy could see right through her. She watched as the blood drained from her face.
"What are you talking about Pansy?" Sally asked, a cautious tone in he voice. Pansy smirked a bit at how absolutely terrified Sally looked. She had her. So why did it make her feel like a ton of cement had settled in her stomach then?
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." Pansy countered. Sally sighed. The look in her eyes was calculating, one Pansy wasn't used to from her honest friend. She waited as Sally came to her decision about something.
"You remember the future, then?" Sally asked, to Pansy's complete surprise. Did she remember the future?
"Of course I do," Pansy said, a note of confusion creeping into her voice. Why was she deflecting? Oh Merlin, Sally was Fate's Gift. Why had she kept this from her?
"They didn't tell me if you would or not. Usually they don't, it takes someone with especially strong will to-" Sally rambled on, the words tumbling from her lips at an embarrassing pace. Pansy felt no guilt about cutting her off.
"Who are you really, and why are you here? Why have you been lying to me?" Pansy asked accusingly. She ignored the little pang of hurt in her stomach.
Sally's eyes widened, and Pansy thought she saw a little glimmer of tears in her eyes.
"I'm Sally, your friend. And we're only supposed to tell you if you show signs of remembering." Sally whispered, hurt evident in her voice.
Ally, she corrected in her mind, but for once that brought her no comfort. Where along the line did she forget no one was truly looking out for her but herself? She only had sort of had Draco, and everyone else around her was only ultimately working for their own ultimate self-interests because why should they care about her? Even Sally only hung around her because it was her job.
"And you didn't think being sorted into Gryffindor was a sign I remembered?" Pansy asked coldly. The same chill was spreading throughout her body, stealing from her small heart.
"Most people don't have specific memories, but their experiences fundamentally change them," Sally said. Her face was bright red, and she looked very close to crying. Something in Pansy very unwillingly softened, and she looked around the common room. No one was paying attention to them yet. They were curled up together in the Common Room on one of the smaller couches.
"Not here." Pansy grabbed her things, and Sally silently followed her up to their dorm.
The two girls immediately fell into a routine they had perfected in October when they were still living in fear of what their roommates would do them. They pushed their beds together in tandem. Next Sally got on the larger bed to set it up and make it comfortable, while Pansy walked about, casting charms on the curtains. Soon, they were both sitting on the bed facing each other, Pansy pushing away the sick feeling she had.
"Why are you here?" Pansy asked again. This was something she noticed Sally seemed to be able to answer comfortably.
"You're a Writer and Writer's need Guides. I'm your Guide. I'll keep you safe." Sally said. Pansy almost smiled at the familiar conviction in her voice, but she still had more questions.
"Why do I need a Guide?" Pansy demanded. Sally let out a startled little laugh that Pansy tried to pretend that didn't sting just a bit.
"You don't just slide into time. Just you being here has an effect on the flow. Things are going to majorly change whether you actually did anything different or not, because time travel has an effect. Have you ever heard of the Elf Unicorn War?"
"Wait, what?"
"Exactly." Sally grinned, but Pansy knew all of Sally's smiles by now, from the quirky little one she got when she saw lemon bars on the table at dinner to the shy teasing ones that blossomed when she spoke to the twins. This was the one she got after one of those hard October days when nothing was quite okay.
"So, what do we do now?" Pansy settled back into the pillows of their combined bed, and Sally settled in next to her. Neither girl noticed that their habit for close proximity hadn't left, and even now they were pressed together so that their arms brushed together in what should have been a comforting familiarity.
"I can talk to you about time travel stuff," Sally suggested. She took her glasses off and rubbed at her eyes, which were in fact just as large as they seemed even without her glasses on.
At Pansy's silence, Sally soldiered on.
"Well, um, I can't tell you a whole lot but I could tell you some. There have been about seventy-two total time travelers in our own little universe since humanity rose out of the dirt. Uh, not all of them were wizards, like half of them were muggles I think. Maybe more. The Moirai wasn't completely clear about who met the criteria, just that some people did and most didn't, and that Writers were crucial to keeping the strings of time smooth. But I mean, after you've met some of them you kinda know."
Her words trailed off into the silence, and Pansy became aware of exactly where they were. They were her on their beds, their safe space with curtains closed to the rest of the world.
And Sally, she was someone who was actually supposed to help Pansy. Not like her Mother, kind and strong but distant, or her father, gruff and stern. Not like the other Slytherins who cared about her only as a long known ally or Harry and Ron whom she still suspected sometimes looked at her more as a prize they won. Even the twins were not to be trusted, because out of all the other people in the world who only helped people for their own purposes, who was to say they were any different?
Maybe having someone around who's job was to help her wouldn't be too bad.
So Pansy swallowed thickly and decided that in this low risk environment, maybe she could be vulnerable.
"I think, I think I'm going insane."
Though Sally didn't verbally reply, she sat up from her position on the pillows and tugged Pansy's head into her lap. She pressed her warm fingertips to Pansy's temples, slipping under her hair and gently massaging at the sides.
Pansy felt her eyelids slowly drift close, and somehow she could tell that Sally's drifted close too. Like at Christmas, as she closed her eyes light appeared. Only this time, instead of being a gentle pink that nestled all in one place, it was an array of colors, some of which she had never even seen before. They came in lines and twisted in clusters, blue yellow, red green, and in the middle of it all was a light of golden green that seemed to pull at her...
Until she stood in the middle of it all. Pansy now was kneeling in the middle of darkness, to which there seemed to be no beginning or in and above her lights warred against one another in a fight for dominance.
"Sally?" Pansy called out.
"Over here."
Pansy whirled around to see Sally standing close at her side, her gaze fixated on the colors above. Pansy noted that this Sally looked...different. Not quite her Sally, though she was the same age and had the same eyes and Mark. Now her hair that was normally an ordinary pretty light brown with numerous waves hung thick and straight, darkened to the color of a dark chocolate bar. Her chin was more pointed, her cheekbones more slanted, her lips thinner.
This...altered Sally didn't look happy at whatever she saw above.
"Where are we?" Pansy asked though she already knew the answer.
"Your mind," Sally walked around and touched a stray strand of colored light Pansy could only describe as blue yellow. "This is worse than I thought. Your two selves aren't combining as well as they should be. Your mind palace is in shambles."
Sally turned back to Pansy, and she had to stop herself from taking a startled step back. Sally had aged. Now she looked about nineteen and her hair was tied up on top of her head in a messy knot. Sally didn't seem to notice Pansy's bafflement.
"When a time traveler goes back their selves go back with them. If they're attempting to go back farther than when they were born, then they take over one of their parents which have led to some...complications. Anyway, on a fundamental level your two selves are the same, but the greater amount of years you jump the harder it is to meld.
"Theoretically, you should be fine. Victoria and Frankie both jumped fifty years. The granddaughter of that African Queen jumped seventy, and they were all fine in the end, at least. But it looks like your will is different. You're just as stubborn as all of them, but somethings off."
Sally worried her lip, and Pansy was once again distracted as Sally aged before her eyes once more. Now she looked thirty, with a full pregnant belly she absently mindedly stroked as she walked around the confines of Pansy's mind.
"How well do you see magic?" Sally questioned. Pansy shrugged.
"As well as anyone." Sally's face scrunched up.
"I mean, do you see magic? The way it knits together in the world, the equilibrium of light and dark..."
"Well, I closed my eyes and saw the pink magic of a journal I think?"
Sally sighed, and Pansy decided to plop down of the dark space below her. The floor of her mind was surprisingly comfortable.
"I'm just going to tidy up in here. Since you're not assimilating the way you should, I'll just restrain your older self a bit-"
"Wait, what?" Pansy exclaimed. She glared up at Sally who stood above her in the body in a seven-year-old, then decided that she would probably be taken more seriously if she stood back up. Pansy planted her hands on her hips and glowered at the smaller girl.
"We have to tie up your Older. Not completely, of course, part of it will still influence Younger, but this way it will slowly release and integrate better into your whole self." At her distraught looks, Sally's young face softened. "I'm so sorry Pansy, but it has to be done. You'll still be able to fight, do magic. That's too embedded into your muscle memory by now since Older has been pretty dominating for months."
"You'll feel more like one person, with your Older as more of an afterthought. We've only done this twice before though..."
Pansy remained silent, and Sally wordlessly turned away from her to face the lights above them. She instead looked at the ground. It was an odd feeling, being inside of her own mind while still experiencing the effects. She had to close her eyes as she felt Sally poking around, tugging at something, pulling at that. Under her lids, things began to swirl, and she was falling falling falling.
"Wake up. Pansy, wake up." She felt someone tapping at her temple.
"Shut up Daphne, stop being a cow." She burrowed herself deeper into her comfortable resting place resting place before realizing it was a lap. Startled, she bolted upright. Why was she surrounded by red? Where was she? What was she doing here?
She began to panic, and without even realizing it her hand shot towards her wand.
"Pans-"
The persons words cut off with a startled gasp as they found the tip of a wand digging into their throat.
It was a girl, one who was vaguely recognizable to Pansy. Probably one of those stupidly generic Hufflepuff girls. She was her age, with nerdy glasses and puffy cheeks.
"Pansy, calm down."
"Where are we?"
"Pansy, remember."
"Remember wh-"
Later on, Pansy would tell you it was highly un recommendable to get hit with over twenty years of your life story at once, especially when those years came with two wars and a healthy dose of PTSD.
Sally would tell you it was highly satisfying to slap your hyperventilating friend after she had already held a wand to your neck. Or, maybe she wouldn't. Sally was great at discretion.
"Calm down, calm down right now." Sally cast silencing charms on the curtains, knowing that if anyone heard her convulsing friend gasping for breath they would certainly get some looks the next day.
Pansy was still dry heaving on the covers, her arms wrapped around her waist as she struggled to hold herself together. She felt herself being lowered back down onto someone's lap, being held still by a comforting arm as a small hand worked its way through her hair.
"Breathe with me. In, out. In, out. Come on darlin'."
They laid there together for awhile. Pansy could feel her head settling, like a snow globe that had been all shaken up. Part of her still hurt, and she knew this was the seem behind which Older was stored. Well, most of her. A part of her broken self still floated around and Younger was determined not to let herself become broken as well.
"Goodness gracious. Your Younger's attitude with your Older's battle instincts. This should be fun."
"Is that an American accent? That one where they kept all the black people?" Pansy asked blearily. Sally's hand stilled for a moment before she continued her soothing ministrations on her scalp.
"Yes, it is."
"Why do you have one?"
"I grew up there. In my other life. Come on, it's time for you to get some food in you."
TOF
Pansy was no longer quite insane, though Younger didn't really know insanity.
Instead, she stumbled through the next few days in a sort of daze, not really paying attention to much of anything or anyone. Everything was so confusing. She was Pansy, but she was also Older and Younger. She had all of Older's memories and reflexes, but only a small part of her that was Older unleashed felt the true grief. Younger was just scared, and angry, and snappish.
However, the entire ordeal made her much more confused. Having her mind split more as different entities felt odd, and she felt many of her old prejudices and fears coming back.
She no longer saw Hermione just as Hermione, but as that frizzy haired Mudblood know it all bitch who thought she was too good for the rest of the girls. Sally was a stupid Hufflepuff, Harry was a simple mix breed, and Ron was a blood traitor, no matter his true heritage.
Not to mention, the other Slytherins simply just weren't acting up to their lineage. They were consorting with everything their parents told them not to, getting new ideas, new notions. Younger was having a hard time reconciling her current ideas of herself with what she knew what she would become. What she already was, really.
It was a war of a different kind, between the two things she learned were right. Thankfully she had Sally by her side.
Sally, who had proven herself to be loyal. Who sat with her once again through the nights just in silence as she pretended to study and instead pieced together her mind. Sally was in just as much of a conundrum as she was, a young girl with a woman's memories. They felt eleven, but were they really?
This was the main question on Pansy's mind as she walked down the hallway a few days before Valentines day, her arms heavy with textbooks. She had been avoiding most everyone lately, which meant her homework was truly suffering. Not because she didn't know it; even if Older had been out of classes for awhile, First Year work was still ridiculously for anyone with half the memories Pansy had.
Something cracked somewhere to her left. "Oh darn."
Pansy turned her head at the exclamation to see Neville Longbottom looking forlorn. She hadn't spoken to him in quite awhile. He was still a quiet boy and had pretty much just disappeared into the woodwork after Ron and Harry had come to the decision she wasn't pure evil.
At his feet lay a cracked open clay plant pot with a tiny little seedling laying in the middle of loamy soil. Pansy watched as Neville solemnly knelt down and started gathering the pieces.
"Here, let me help," Pansy said, surprising herself at her own willingness. She knelt down, careless of the dirt getting on her robe. This was good soil, she noted. Rich, moist, ready to bear any plants someone threw at it. She carefully picked up the little seedling. It was small but looked relatively undamaged from the possibly deadly fall. With delicate hands, she collected some of the fallen solid and made her own little makeshift pot in the cup of her hands.
"It's a baby willow tree. I just started it." Pansy looked to her side to see Neville looking at her with slightly pinkened ears and a sheepish smile. His hands, which Older knew one day would be large and strong and capable, held the broken shards of the clay pot.
"They grow a lot faster around magic, right?" Pansy asked, carefully standing with the seedling still in her hands. A lot of the soil was still on the ground, but the two ignored it to walk down the halls. Pansy half wondered where he was leading her, but it really didn't matter. Younger and Older both knew that of all people Neville Longbottom definitely wasn't a threat. He was a nice shy boy who would grow up to be a good strong man.
"Yeah, I just planted it yesterday. My grandma thinks it's a good idea for me to start learning how to grow wand wood." Pansy hummed and smiled, and Neville shyly took that as a sign to continue on talking about the different trees he grew. Right now he was just learning the basics of how to properly care for a tree in magical circumstances before he moved on to how to optimize it for wands.
Before long they arrived at a series of clear glass doors near where Professor Sprout had her office. Neville walked up to one a murmured a password too quietly for her to hear. The door cracked open, and he propped the door open for Pansy to enter. She brushed past him to see that they had entered a decently sized greenhouse. The air was heavy with humidity and smelled of more of that loamy soil. There weren't a lot of plants there yet, just a few trees and a bunch of pots with things at various stages of growth. It was clean and well kept and very Neville.
He came up with another pot and shoveled in some soil. She put the willow seedling in and packed it around the tree.
They stood there in silence for a moment, mutually appreciating that the seedling was once again safe and sound.
"You can come around whenever you know." Pansy looked up in surprise. Neville stood there blushing furiously, his hands shoved into his pockets.
"I know you're really good at Herbology, and sometimes I'd like some help." Pansy blinked, and felt her cheeks start to heat up a bit.
"Um, yeah, that'd be great." She blurted. They stood there, awkwardly staring at one another before Pansy muttered that she had to go and Neville said he had work to do anyway.
When she got back to her dorm and looked in the mirror she could see her hair frizzed out from the humidity of the greenhouse and her cheeks still a bright pink from embarrassment. But most clearly, she could see her wide grin from having someone actually want her around. Yeah, Pansy most definitely was eleven.
Review replies
Guest 28 - Aw, thank you! And rest assured, I'm rare pair trash so even if Hermione and Draco end up together, there will be some sort of twist.
Kalyxia - Thanks for reading!
Guest Flyer - If that's the only thing that throws you off I feel no shame
Josepheus - I messaged you asking what you thought needed fixed. Message back ASAP :D
KodeV - Well here's the next one! I'm sure the Slytherins would respect the Weasleys cleverness, if anything.
the-clumsy-one - I hope so. Hermione in Slytherin isn't new for me but I like to see her with a slightly sportier side.
Sophie - It would certainly be disconcerting, but as you see she'll have quite the support system.
blinddivinity - I think I love the potential Ron has as a character more than anything. He's sort of this normal guy surrounded by extraordinary people that doesn't believe in himself, but we get these glimpses that kind of hint at the fact he has the potential to bee more than just another Weasley.
Guest Love - Thanks for reading, here's your update!
Monnbeam - Well both Harry and Ron have histories of acting like little shits. They thought they had reason.
HopeWithinDarkness - lol it's okay. They'll learn their lessons.
malexandria - I hope you continue doing so
- Here you are!
So yeah, the next chapter should be posted sometime...in the future.
