I forgot to mention that this is a Seung Gil chapter in my last notes XD Totes forgot. I see SG and Otabek as sorta similar in that they're both reserved, and don't really like being in crowds; I see them as different in that Otabek is easier to get to know and has more street smarts. Pretty sure they'd get along hahha So this is kind of a long chapter, and it does get sad at some points: there is mention of a lost loved one at the end, so be warned that death is a topic of discussion. When grief is mentioned, you'll know you're heading into some sadness, so be prepared!
To anyone who passes by the copy machine, they'd see a very focused man waiting for papers to file out of one end of it while scribbling notes on a cluttered page stuck to a clipboard. To the trained observer, they'd see an anxious and petrified man writing his feelings down on a recycled, outdated workplace policy printout in shitty block letters: 'HE ASKED TO MEET ME HE WANTS TO SEE ME WHY THE HELL DID I SAY YES WHAT AM I DOING HE WANTS TO SEE ME I'M GOING TO EMBARRASS MYSELF HE'S GOING TO THINK I'M WEIRD WHY DID HE ASK TO MEET ME WHY DID I SAY YES I FEEL SICK HE ASKED TO MEET ME ME OF ALL PEOPLE OH NO WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME' I only stop scrawling when a coworker leans on the machine with a professional smile. "Almost done?" She asks, playing with her dark hair over one shoulder. I hug the clipboard closer to my chest, suddenly hyperaware of what I've written down.
"Uh, yeah, it'll just be a minute."
She nods without another word, stepping back out onto the sales floor with clear resolve to avoid eye contact; it's fine by me. I glance back down at my notes, wondering how I got myself into this mess in the first place. One moment I was taking care of my laundry, not thinking much about a friendly conversation with an undeniably intriguing man; the next moment, said man is asking me on a date like it's not unusual to want to spend time with me. How could I say no? Phichit is entertaining to listen to, captivating to talk to and impossible to ignore. The whining copy machine prompts me to grab my things and sit back at my desk, staring blankly at the pages; I haven't focused on a single task today, mind on only one thing. I don't think I can be blamed for being stuck on this topic, considering my last date was years ago. People don't talk to me unless they really have to, and they certainly don't ask if I want to go out with them; I'm not sure why Phichit has done that and more. When he did ask, I almost declined: I haven't been to a pet store in over a year for a reason. The only thing that made me change my mind was the expectant look in Phichit's dark grey eyes, sincere and, dare I say, hopeful. For whatever reason, he wants to meet me and I'm certain of that.
I want to see him, too. At first, if I'm honest, Phichit struck me as cocky and indifferent. The way he speaks with no room for questioning, far more certain of himself than one should be: it all got under my skin in an unpleasant way. Then Phichit made it very clear, in not so many words, that his carefree attitude is just that: he doesn't care if people think he's phony or if people like what he has to say. He doesn't mind being questioned and he has no qualms about standing up for himself. Phichit knows who he is; he's happy in his own skin. The second I discovered how I'd misinterpreted Phichit, admiration clouded all other thoughts. After learning that he does, indeed, have his own fears and insecurities, I think I knew I was doomed. Knowing that someone so seemingly solid has hidden cracks is comforting in a way: maybe we're not so different.
"You ready?"
Evidently, I was not, and now I'm scrambling to collect the papers I just dropped, startled as hell by Otabek's nearby voice. "You scared the shit out of me." I mutter, frowning at the floor as he attempts to help; his laugh isn't all that beneficial, though.
"Sorry. What's got you so jumpy?" Otabek asks.
The time on the clock is a dreadful reminder that we have a meeting to get to; I'd forgotten, as I'd forgotten I wasn't entirely alone with my thoughts. I shake my head, sighing. "A lot on my mind. The meeting not being one of those things." I rub my eyes in an attempt to wake my senses up. As expected, I didn't really sleep last night or the night before.
Otabek has the sense not to pry, nodding in some sort of understanding as I stand next to him. "Well, we won't be there long. Let's go."
"I have a date."
Well, looks like I said that out loud. Otabek's eyebrows arch in either confusion or surprise, jaw dropping only enough that his lips slightly part on a frozen response. I shift from one foot to the other and keep my eyes on the floor. I'm sure I'm turning some shade of red, but I clear my throat like I didn't just blurt the root of my anxiety out loud. "That's why you're acting nervous?" I've never heard him speak so…softly. I don't know how I feel about it, but nod. "They agreed to go out with you, so—"
"He asked me."
"Even better, then." Otabek chuckles. "So why be nervous?"
Otabek wouldn't understand: our coworkers stop and say hi to him; customers don't actively ignore him when he's on the floor; someone put a ring on his finger; strangers greet him when he walks down the street. No, people don't really strike up conversations with him or invite him places, but still: how can I put this into words without spelling it out in this way? "It's been a minute." I start out, not willing to give him the whole truth. "He's different." I don't want to fuck it up and lose Phichit before I even get a chance to be with him, but he's so out of my league, I might not get that shot to start with.
He shrugs, unknowingly imparting knowledge: "You got this. He likes you." His small, encouraging smile partnered with a brief pat on the back cements my new mantra. "And if it goes south, I'll buy you a beer later, okay?"
I guess I can't lose too much here. I nod, feeling lighter than I have in a few days. "Deal."
Throughout the meeting, my new mantra takes up all the space my boss' words should occupy: I got this. I got this. I got this. This will go well because Phichit likes me. If he already likes me, then there's no reason to worry. He's the one who invited me, so he surely wants to meet me. He looked excited at my acceptance, and said he was looking forward to hanging out one on one. I got this. I almost miss when the meeting closes, a tap on my shoulder bringing me back to reality. "Were you taking notes?" Otabek asks, glancing at the clipboard in front of me. There's no way I'm admitting to what I wrote on the paper; I send the page through the shredder and the subject is dropped.
After work, I take deep breaths of frigid air, mantra on repeat: I got this. In this part of town, there's only one pet store. Out front, an old church pew serves as a bench for passersby on warmer days; today, it'll serve as my waiting spot while I try to read an old novel I picked up from the clearance shelf at work the other day. My eyes skim over the words of the book with the wind whipping at the pages, absorbing nothing. I reread the same sentence around eleven times and refuse to check the time again, afraid of how late it's gotten. I got here slightly early but now the minutes keep ticking away beyond our scheduled meeting time, causing my palms to sweat and my heartbeat to pick up its pace. We agreed on this day and this time; these are facts, but the tiniest part of me wonders if I'm mistaken: it's one of the alternatives to being stood up. I'll wait a little longer before calling it quits and cashing in my free beer from Otabek, knowing it can't make up for the broken date. I guess the world will keep turning if I have to walk away by myself; it's probably for the best that we never met if it was going to end up— "Seung Gil Lee?" I could pick that voice out in any crowd. I mark my place in the book, peering over the cover at the man I've been waiting for: Phichit Chulanont. The sight takes my breath away. It's kind of embarrassing, but true. His eyes sparkle far more than my phone screen led me to believe; his smile is brighter than he showed me before; the energy he radiates is almost overwhelming in its strength and sunniness, yet I'm drawn to it like a magnet; even his voice carries a brightness that didn't quite carry through our phones. Did I acknowledge him yet, or have I only been staring? Maybe I don't got this. Ugh, damn it, I hope I haven't already screwed up. I nod, standing to greet him, when he shoves a clear cup at me, laughing. "I know it's cold, but it's a gift for you, so I think you have to accept." A gift? I take the drink from him, barely missing his fingers, and notice the marker letters on the side: 'lychee/ Rbow' "I had to wait a few minutes for the girl to restock the rainbow jelly, so I'm sorry I'm late." Phichit shrugs with a soft smile. He remembered my favorite bubble tea. He even went the extra mile to get it exactly right. Is he real?
"Oh, that's okay." I sip the drink before realizing my rudeness. "Thank you for the smoothie. It's perfect." His smile is the only fuel I need to move forward. "So, um, it's nice to actually meet you." My hand automatically moves for a handshake but he hesitates to grab it, smirking.
"So formal." Phichit giggles, squeezing my hand for a brief moment. His skin is so warm, even in this brisk weather. I expect it to be softer, but I'm not displeased. "It is nice to meet in person, though." He tightens the maroon scarf around his neck, pointing at the door. "Should we go inside? I'm not sure how you were comfortable sitting out here. I feel even worse for being late now." His pouting face is even cuter in person. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not.
"I don't mind the cold." I remind him while opening the door. "After you."
Phichit smiles and pats my arm in passing. "Why, thank you! You're considerate." He waves at the clerk over his shoulder, settling a shopping basket over his elbow. "Did your meeting go well?"
Talk about considerate: he even remembered what I was doing at work today. I shrug, following him wherever he goes. "It was boring."
"Nothing new?" He laughs a bit with a smirk.
"Just budgeting and reiterating projected figures." At least, I think that's what the meeting was about. I was too busy thinking about him to concentrate but that's my little secret.
Phichit's laugh is musical, sending butterflies to my belly. "You're right: that does sound boring."
My eyes lock on an aisle in passing: dog toys. The lump in my throat makes it impossible to breath for a second, feet glued to the tiled floor, gaze frozen, cold, dampening. This, right here, was why I was reluctant to come with Phichit. His voice is faint, growing fainter, and I can't seem to hear the words as anything more than sound. I'm not breathing, lungs refusing to cooperate. I used to frequent this aisle; I bought that toy and two of those over there. I spent more money here than I did on myself. It all feels so fresh, as if it happened yesterday and not a year ago. But it was a year; months have passed. Finally, I suck in enough air to prevent death, clutching the front of my shirt. "Shit." I curse under my breath, glancing around for Phichit and coming up empty. It's better that he doesn't see me this way. I wipe at my eyes, just to be sure there's no evidence of my emotions, and stare at the floor. "You're okay. You're not here for this." I remind myself in a whisper. Footsteps nearby lead me to Phichit, smiling and oblivious.
"Where'd you go, Mr. Lee?"
I don't want to lie, but I'm not ready to be that honest with him. "I'm sorry. I spaced out, I guess. Where were we going?" He leads the way again while I sip more tea; it helps soothe my nerves.
"Hamster section. Gotta stock up on food again." Phichit goes on to tell me about how his three pets have gotten pickier about what they eat with age. I've seen countless pictures of them, even a handful of videos. The other day, he sent me five different versions of the same image to help him decide which he should post online. I feel privileged to see those non-posted pictures, but not as much as when he shares bedhead and unfiltered ones of himself with only me; those make me feel unreasonably special. "What were you reading while you were waiting?" His tone convinces me he's genuinely curious and not making small talk to pass the time. Whether he likes it or not, I explain the plot points I was able to glean and share all I know about the characters so far. He laughs at my description of my least favorite character, questions the plot's direction, listens to me babble on about similar stories I've read before. Generally, people hear what's being said, but nobody listens quite like Phichit.
When he's paid for everything, we throw our cups away and walk a few meters down the block. Having not asked where we're going, I decide to find out. "Where to?"
Phichit smiles and stops by a car, jingling his keys. "Anywhere we want."
The temperature drops on our way to the edge of the city. I've never really been this far from downtown; my apartment and office are close enough that I don't drive, and I have many restaurants and a grocery store down the block, so why would I go further? Well, it's certainly quieter and not as much traffic clutters the streets. My lungs have an easier time breathing, too, and it's almost like I'm in a new city. "I've never been out here." I mention, staring out the window.
"Really? It's different, right?" Phichit smiles. "I used to drive out here in college. It helped with the stress."
I nod in thought; my escape has always been my own room, or a library. "That's good."
"Yeah, but it's been a while." Phichit sighs with a small shake of his head. "You're hungry, right?"
"Is there anything good out here?"
He laughs quietly, interrupted by his ringing phone. "Ugh, don't call me right now." He whines, handing the device my direction. "Can you tell me who it is?"
"Says Ciao Ciao."
A groan fills up the pause before he asks me to put the call on speaker. "Hello?" Phichit doesn't sound thrilled, but I don't know this person. Truth be told, I feel a little strange listening in.
"Phichit, can you come in early tonight?" A male voice asks. He sounds tired.
Phichit rolls his eyes so much that he hits the back of his head on his seat. "But Ciao Ciao…I have to cover early tomorrow. Why today, too?"
"It's not to cover a shift." The man sighs. "I need to go over something with you. Just thirty minutes early. Is that asking too much?"
He laughs, smirking at the phone. "A little."
"Be on time, please."
"I'll try." Phichit sighs loudly, probably to make sure the other person can hear him. "See you later, then."
The other hangs up first. I set the phone on my leg, glancing his direction. "So I guess you'll have to go home a little earlier than planned." I shrug. I assume the caller is his boss. He pulls into a parking lot, nestled next to a small building. When he turns the car off, our eyes meet; I've never seen him look this way. Is he sad? That looks like disappointment on his normally upbeat face. It's not an expression I want to stick around. "Phichit?"
When he blinks, the storm in his eyes doesn't clear much. "I'm really sorry, but it's work." He rubs the crease between his eyebrows, preparing to step out. "I feel like an asshole for showing up late, and now I have to leave early."
Wait, he's feeling guilty? I follow him outside and to the door of the building. "But it's for work." I shrug. "You can't control that." I hold the door open for him again, leaving the cold behind.
"I know, but I wanted to hang out with you." Phichit pouts, grabbing a folded paper from a counter and handing me one. I see now that we're standing in some sort of diner, but don't pay much attention to the menu. "I guess we can grab something and eat on the way back, or…ugh, I don't even know."
"Are you upset?"
He blinks at me, staring like I said I was going to eat the menu. "I'm…I guess I'm annoyed."
Perhaps this isn't the perfect first date, but I've had a good time so far. Does he feel differently? "Well, I've had fun." The person behind the desk says something about our orders, prompting me to find something I can eat in a vehicle; their array of plastic utensils expands my options. While we order, I feel Phichit's eyes on me; when I look up, his eyes dart away. "I like being around you, and talking with you."
His smile is something to cherish; it's not like his other grins, brimming with light. No, this one is quiet and gentle, filling his eyes with a gleam I hope will last. "That's really sweet of you." Phichit goes on to mention other places he could've picked out here, but has a soft spot for this one. When our food is done, I reach for my wallet. "Seung Gil?"
"What?"
He lightly pushes my outstretched hand away. "You don't have to do that. I've got it."
"It's fine. You bought drinks earlier."
"That was nothing, really."
It was much more than that: he waited in line to get me rainbow jelly. I shake my head, knowing the cashier won't wait around all night. "But a date shouldn't be all on one person. I'll get this." When the words leave my mouth, Phichit's falls open, but he doesn't argue. In fact, he allows me to pay and stands there with an odd redness in his face without another word. I'm not met with a silent Phichit often, if ever, and I can't help but wonder if I've overstepped. I can't wait until we get in the car, stepping over near his door to settle things. "Was…was that wrong of me?"
Phichit gently swings his plastic bag of food, eyes on the ground. "Um, no. I…thanks for that."
Stray snowflakes start to fall, catching on his hair and eyelashes. "Yeah, no problem, but—"
"You said this was a date?"
My hands suddenly feel cold. I've truly fucked up, haven't I? The last thing I wanted to do was make him uncomfortable, yet here we are. "Was…was it not?" I sound stupid. I shake my head. "Look, Phichit, I'm sorry if I…misunderstood something, but I was…" I was what? Blind with optimism? Hoping too high? "I thought that's what this was."
With one step, he's close enough that I could wipe the snow from his cheekbones, the tip of his nose; I don't, but I could. Why is he shaking his head? "Don't be sorry." Now he's smiling? "But if I were taking you on a date, it wouldn't be to a pet store to run errands." Phichit makes a good point; the thought hadn't crossed my mind like that. "But, you know, I'm glad you had a good time thinking it was a date." His smile fills me with warmth, unfamiliar but welcome. I think I'm smiling back, but I'm so lost in his words, I'm not really sure. "Maybe that means you'd be willing to let me take you out for real sometime?"
Oh no, I'm blushing. Can he see me turning red? I can see his flushed face, so I guess we're both embarrassed. It's ridiculous to feel this nervous, considering how much we've gotten to know each other in so little time, but I can't help it: I'm not used to this! The longer I remain silent, the darker Phichit's blush becomes. I think I'm giving off the wrong impression, here. I nod emphatically just to be sure I'm understood, unable to form words. He covers his laugh with one hand, shivering in the cold. "Yes. That sounds good." I don't want to keep him out here any longer than I need to, so I make my way to my side of the car. "Um, let's get out of the snow." Phichit nods in agreement and settles behind the wheel. He turns the radio on, driving down a few empty roads without saying anything more, Eros easing most of the tension from me. Phichit's so quiet. He was asking me on a date, wasn't he? I thought he'd have more to say about that. We have never spoken of relationships or exes, but he must have an opinion on the topic. We don't even need to talk about that kind of thing; anything would do. He could mention the change in weather and how he likes making snow angels at the radio station parking lot. If he brought up our earlier shopping trip, I'd be willing to talk about hamsters and cedar shavings. Maybe even a discussion on work with a funny anecdote or two. Any topic could save us from this stillness, but none of it comes up: we stay silent, pecking at our takeaway meals. In the dark, it's hard to see where we've parked. All I know is that it looks like a park entrance past the thin veil of snow. I can practically hear every flake fall against the windshield: I can't take it any longer. "You're being really quiet."
It isn't a joke; it's a simple truth, and yet he laughs. What's so funny? "I'm sorry!" He comments after catching his breath. "Can I be super honest with you?"
His initial reaction makes me think no, but his gentle smile makes me say: "Yes."
"When I asked if you wanted to hang out today, I was afraid you'd say no." Phichit admits with a tiny smile. "Don't make fun of me, but I really thought you…I don't know. I thought you'd be polite and say we're too different, or you're too busy, or something. Maybe you had a real date. You could've been in a relationship, for all I knew. Did I ever ask you?"
Seems we overlooked something, but it doesn't matter now. "No, but I am single."
"Me, too."
In case there was any doubt, I guess. Why we both felt the need to state the obvious is beyond me; we went out and said we'd do it again: no shit we're single. I laugh at this exchange of nonsense, loving the way Phichit's eyes light up when he laughs, too. "Glad we could settle that."
"Yeah." He wipes a laughter tear from the corner of one eye, grinning all the while. "I didn't mean to go all quiet on you. I'm just surprised, I think."
"Why?"
Phichit sighs; the sound is pleasant, tinged with something cheerful. "Well, Mr. Lee." His eyes fall on the snow outside before continuing. "Nobody likes being denied something they want, or having their feelings rejected. I'm no exception."
"Wouldn't want to disappoint you, then." I shrug. "I'm free this weekend."
"I'll take you on a proper date, then." We share a smile before attempting to eat in the small space. When we're not exchanging glances, our eyes are locked straight ahead. The snow has slowed to a flurry, tiny flakes swirling around like glitter caught in a draft, sparkling and shining before us. Silence this time around is comfortable and easy; I feel oddly safe and at home in this car with Phichit. It may be the first time we've met, but we're not strangers. I know he only buys one brand of eyeliner and needs little signs of reassurance when his confidence wanes; he knows I buy clothes to avoid doing laundry and can't stand a lie, especially from people I care about. There's much more to learn, but I think it's a great start.
Phichit drops me off in front of my apartment, agreeing to text later to make plans. I thank him for everything with a squeeze of his hand and take my leave. The snow has stopped by the time I get inside, but that doesn't stop me from curling up with a blanket on the sofa in front of my computer. Eros concluded his show minutes ago, but the relaxed, happy aura I had earlier has almost completely faded away: Phichit's topic tonight is grief. "I don't know how to move on!" The sad caller explains.
"One day at a time, Heartbroken." Phichit tells him.
"It wouldn't be so difficult if she didn't run off with someone else!" Heartbroken adds. I've never heard someone sound so distraught before. "I can hardly get up in the morning. At least when I'm asleep, I don't have to think about her."
I pull the blanket around my head, tugging the edges tighter. "Heartbroken, it's alright to feel that way. I mean, I've had similar circumstances before, and it isn't easy to get back to where you were, but it is possible. That makes sense, right?" Phichit's question is responded to with a sigh. "You have to remember that your relationship, your ex, are not you; they helped shape you, but you're more than that."
"But some pain is too much." I whisper to the empty room, the vacant apartment around me.
"You are a unique and special individual with traits and qualities all your own. You are worthy of love and acceptance, and the most reliable place to find that is within yourself. When you wake up in the morning, you have to remember that not everyone you meet, or date, will give you the love you deserve, and that's okay because you can appreciate yourself as you are. Do you understand what I mean?" Phichit asks in a gentle tone.
"I get it, but…it's hard." Heartbroken mumbles.
I may not know the hurt this caller is describing, but I certainly know the unbearable ache inside that no person, place or thing can cure. "It certainly is, but the first step is trying, and it'll get easier."
"Some days I feel so angry and hurt, and the next I'll be sad again. It feels like I'm not improving."
"Give it time." Phichit uses a soft tone. His caller groans. "Trust me."
"I suppose I'll have to. I just want to feel like myself again."
While he helps his caller, I fumble with my phone while keeping the blanket wrapped securely in place. I start a text to Phichit, but change my mind; he's on the air, so he may not be able to reply. He may, however, be able to take a call if I time this correctly. I dial the station's number, breath held while my call goes to a virtual waiting room. If tonight has taught me one thing, it's that I trust Phichit with holding onto my fears; what's more is that I am able to trust him with them. Minutes pass before a stroke of good luck allows my call to be taken. "Hello?" My voice is quiet, breaking around the edges.
"Hello, dear caller. Who are you tonight?" Phichit asks.
"I'm…" In pain. Sad. Upset. Angry. Frustrated. Not yet healed. "Hurt."
He hums in response. "Well, that's no good. Can you explain why?"
My eyes fall shut. I hate the way my heart feels strangled and pinched, the way my eyes sting. "You've been talking about grief. Why does the pain linger for so long?"
"It's something that changes you. Unfortunately, whatever loss you've had will always be a loss, but the way you handle it will get easier with time. I wish I could say the pain will go away, but I can't lie to you. Won't lie to you, I mean." Phichit corrects the familiar word choice to a more professional one: he knows it's me. "May I ask if this is a recent loss?"
"A little over a year ago."
A pause passes, maybe Phichit thinking about me as Seung Gil and not as Hurt. I've put him in a strange situation, seeking comfort for something quite personal, under the guise of being an anonymous stranger. "I see. Well, Hurt, as I said earlier, we all handle grief differently. One thing that you may find helpful is to not push thoughts and memories of this person aside to try and move on. When you think of them, remember them; don't let them leave your thoughts and celebrate that you had this person in your life to begin with. They've added their own touch to your life, and that's something that will never go away."
"It's not a person." I use a corner of the blanket to wipe the trails that have made their mark down my face. "Not a person, but I understand, P."
I try not to think about my loss, and I admit that. It's hard to think about someone you love with everything you have in you when you know you won't see them again. I try so hard not to think of him, of my best friend, because when I do, my heart shatters. Is it possible to tackle that broken feeling and turn it into being grateful to have known him at all? "Sometimes the loss of a nonhuman friend can hurt just as much. Your hurt is valid, and I don't want you to forget that."
Nobody has ever told me that. My family knew of this loss, but it was clear that they didn't understand it like I did: pain fucking hurts. End of story. "Thank you." My phone beeps in my ear, alerting me of a notification: a text from Phichit.
"I hope you don't forget to cherish your good memories, and remember that it's healthy to feel your grief." Phichit goes on to see if I need anything more so he can conclude our call. It's all white noise when I read his text: 'I'm so sorry :((((( I wouldn't have asked you to go to a pet store if I'd known!' He doesn't need to feel bad; I didn't tell him about what happened to my dog, and I truly wanted to spend time with him earlier, location be damned. It's comforting to know that he would've supported me had he known about it.
After I hang up, I can reply: 'I don't like to talk about it. I just wanted to hang out with you.'
'What made you decide to tell me now?'
My sniffling has stopped, but my eyes continue to water with sorrow. 'You were talking about grief, and I wanted some advice…it's why I called you the first time.' I don't want him to start guessing and conjecturing, so I quickly explain. 'He died a year ago last month and I tried to drink the pain away. Then I took my emotions out on you. I shouldn't have called like I did and I'm sorry.' It was asinine of me to have called his show, but at least now he knows why I did it.
'Ohhhh…I understand :((( Glad you called so we could meet and be friends and everything, tho'
I suppose it is a good thing I called; I may have missed out on Phichit. A ragged sigh breaks the quiet that fell over me. I wipe my eyes again, sitting on the edge of the sofa. 'That's true. I just want him here and it's hard to accept that I can't.'
'You do have him! He'll always be with you on the inside. Don't forget him, Seung Gil'
When I don't reply right away, a flood of heart emoji fills my inbox. My chest hurts more than I can describe, but Phichit's right: I wouldn't trade the time we had together for anything in the world, and I know he loved his life, too. I make my way to the kitchen, staring down the flipped images I stuck to the fridge long ago. One of them, my favorite one, is at eye level towards the right side. Carefully, I pull it from under the magnet, flipping it to reveal the photo I took of us at a park: dogs can't smile, but I swear, he's grinning with me. One by one, I flip the pictures so I can see him again. When they're up properly, I press my fingers to my favorite picture, smiling through my tears. "I miss you." My voice sounds unfamiliar and tired, but steady at the same time. I have to thank Phichit; I don't know where to begin. I send a single heart emoji back, hoping he somehow understands exactly what he's done for me tonight.
I'M SORRY I MADE THE DOG DEAD but it made sense for this specific AU, and I promise I won't make any other character or pet dead! In other news, I finally came up with the title for this fic while writing this chapter. I normally have titles down after drafting plot points, before any writing even gets done, but struggled with this one for some reason. It was called one thing, then another and another but nothing ever felt right. The next chapter will go back to Phichit's POV and it absolutely will not be sad!
