Some fluff, but mostly some recovery and plans for the future. It's not as heavy as it seems, so no worries :3
Hardly more than a flurry whips at the windows, carried by a fierce wind as a reminder that winter is still hanging around. At once, it seems both soft and lonely; maybe it's the paleness of the morning light, and the lack of plants blooming and flourishing, no people around or making a sound. Maybe I still feel a little guilty for what happened last night. If I'm being honest, I feel a lot guilty for that, even though I've been told I have nothing to feel sorry about. Seung Gil can be so stubborn, but it's not like I can argue with him while he's asleep in the other room. A quiet sigh escapes my lungs while the timer on my phone tells me the tea is ready. I take the two mugs to my bedroom, careful not to bump into anything or make unnecessary noise in the process. My eyes take a moment to adjust in the darkness: a curled form is still under the covers, curtains drawn shut and lamps still off. I set the mugs on my nightstand and crawl back under all the blankets. Not a second passes before Seung Gil wraps his limbs around me, pulling me further down to be his personal heater. I stay seated up a bit, resting my hands at his back. His shirt is soft under my fingers, though thin for it being so cold out. "Awake?" I whisper. He groans in response, answering my question. "I brought you some tea. You can drink it and sleep more after, if you want." This seems reasonable to him: he nods against my chest and sits up beside me. The lamp is turned on now, at its lowest setting, while we sip from the mugs. Seung Gil's sleeves are pulled over his hands, only his fingertips peeking out. "Are you cold?" I don't get a verbal response, but another nod. "Come here, then." I wrap the top blanket around us, pulling the other covers up our legs; sitting closer together adds warmth, I think. "Better?" My head on his shoulder can feel when he nods again. "I know what you said, but I still feel like this is somehow my fault."
"Hmm?" Seung Gil tenses, but otherwise doesn't move. I sigh, knowing I have explaining to do.
"I invited you to the party, and I wanted you to go. I wanted to help you, but I should've known Chris would be there." Looking back, I'm not sure how I didn't see that coming. Then again, he's constantly booked so maybe that wasn't such an oversight. "I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything right now, but just know that I feel bad about the whole thing."
Against my reassurance, he clears his throat. "Don't be sorry." Seung Gil's voice has never sounded like this: hoarse, broken, raw.
"Please don't hurt yourself!" I cringe, not wanting things to get worse.
"Okay." He rests his head on mine with a sigh. "He misses you."
I wish he would try to preserve his voice; it sounds painful. "Babe, rest your voice. Or at least have some tea before saying anything else." Ah, but he's left the ball in my court, hasn't he? On a slow exhale, I shut my eyes. "You mean Chris?"
"Mhmm."
Well, this is unpleasant. Maybe it's time he heard about what went down. "When we were dating, I started to question why I was making sacrifices and he wasn't. I didn't like the flirting with other people, the texts that never came even when selfies were posted, the permission to have sex with other people when we weren't in the same city, the way it mostly became long-distance with few visits. It really sucked." An understatement, but whatever. "But I agreed to it all because I wanted him to be happy. I mean, it's not his fault he views the world differently from me, so I just…I pretended like it was fine until I couldn't. I was tired of being unhappy and neglected, and it may not be cheating in his book, but damn it, it was to me." He's the type of person who can have meaningless sex one afternoon and still be invested in another relationship that same night. "In reality, he didn't do anything I asked him not to, but I should've drawn a line. I didn't, though, and I got so hurt that I had to break things off." I deserve to be happy; being with Chris was never going to make me happy. We're too different and there's nothing wrong with that. I understand that now. "He may have some feelings, or something, but I never expected he'd act that way, like me being with someone else was so shocking." It's been years since I've been with him, and I don't harbor any romantic feelings towards him, so what's the big deal? "Just know that I don't care what people think when they see us together, okay? I like you, a lot, and that's what matters."
"I had a conversation with Otabek." Seung Gil slurps his tea, improving his voice quality just a fraction. "He said people will always judge, but that's their problem. He's right, and you're right in that it doesn't matter, but…it's hard."
I give him a moment to drink more, draping an arm over his shoulders. "I get it."
He shakes his head, slowly. "You don't." Oh? "That sounded rude, but there's no way you could understand. People don't see me. They glance, then decide I might as well be invisible. Nothing to see here, just a ghost." He's said something similar in the past, but only now do I have a fuller picture. "You walk in a room, and all eyes are on you. Not just you, but your energy and they gravitate to that. They see you, and who you are. They don't see me like that." Seung Gil can't reach the nightstand, so I set his mug down for him. "Thanks. I don't like being judged and stared at, or forced to talk a lot, but I'm still a person. I don't always want to be invisible." Is…is that the start of a smile on his face? Could the dim lighting be tricking me? "Last night wasn't all bad. I did have fun, even if it exhausted me."
"You…" I don't have a way to finish that sentence. He said the same thing before he fell asleep, but it's not easy to wrap my brain around. "You still had fun, after all that?"
Seung Gil curls up in my lap, taking the entire blanket with him. "Yeah. I like that I learned a lot."
Such a nerd; he makes me smile. "You're amazing, you know that?"
"My number one fan." He yawns, settling into a comfortable position. I laugh, running my fingers through his hair without thought. Seung Gil has been sleeping on and off for hours, but still seems wiped out. I'm up earlier than usual, and find myself growing sleepy, too. A bit more rest couldn't hurt, I suppose. "Sleep, too." His muffled words are barely above a whisper, but do they ever resonate.
"Just for a little while." I yawn, moving him and adjusting the blanket so we can both lie down under all the covers, side by side. "So you're not mad at me?" I ask. Seung Gil shakes his head against my shoulder: no. "And you don't hate hanging out with my friends?" Another no. "You did such a good job, being you and being around so many strangers. I really am proud of you." To emphasize this point, I kiss his forehead. "Sleep well, okay?" Seung Gil doesn't respond, lost in his dream already. I've never met someone so willing to better themselves. Even though I don't think change is absolutely necessary in him, I admire that he sees room for improvement and is really trying to work on himself. He's the last thing I think about before I join him in slumber.
When I open my eyes again, more than an hour has passed. Several messages and missed calls let me know that it's probably time to get up. Yuuri left two texts: 'In case you forgot, I'll be working today in the afternoon. I'll be around after five if you need to talk! Hope all is well' and: 'Oh, and I love you. Duh'
Mila left me a message, too: 'Heyyy…I saw what happened and I hope your bf is ok? Sara says so too. Call me later? Xoxox'
Even two from Yuri: 'Well, last night was weird af. Maybe we can make it up to you guys some other time.' followed by: 'Otabek's idea, but I feel kinda bad. Whatever, text me later if you want.' Of course he couldn't let me believe he said something nice on his own.
There's also a missed call from Minami, and a voicemail from Victor. I don't want to wake Seung Gil up by talking on the phone, so text Minami instead: 'Hey! We're alright, just resting. Thanks for reaching out :) Text you later, k?' There's no need to wait for a response; he's known for leaving messages without replying, even if the receipts show he's actually read them.
I wonder why Victor left a voicemail. I turn the volume down and listen. "Hi, Phichit. I'm sorry to be calling at such an hour, but Yuuri's fretting over what happened and I offered to call to check up on you two." He clears his throat. "As Chris' friend, I kind of feel responsible for what happened, and…I may have mentioned you'd be there. Had I known he was still holding a torch for you, I wouldn't have, but I am sorry. Anyway, call me later. I'll be alone since Yuuri's working, so I'd welcome the company. Take care, alright?" End of message. So Chris did know I'd be there, and probably looked for me. No wonder he wasn't around Victor: he wasn't at the party to see him. With a sigh, I text Victor that I'll be over later and set my phone aside, sinking back next to Seung Gil.
There isn't much light, but I can see his face, pressed against a pillow. He looks so calm, so at peace. He doesn't deserve to be looked over simply because he isn't bubbly and outspoken. It isn't fair. Seung Gil moves in closer, yawning. "Phichit?"
"I'm here."
His eyes slowly open, directly on mine. "You're still in bed?"
"Where else would I be?" I scoff. Like I'd just ditch him. Also, it's my bed; I like hanging out in it, too.
"Would you mind if I stayed in your bed today? Not all of today, but so I can rest?"
Sometimes I legitimately forget he doesn't live here. I shrug. "You're welcome here as long as you want. Are you feeling any better?"
He rubs his eyes with a sigh. "Sort of? I have a headache, but that's probably because I need water." Another yawn, which he tries to cover. "Positivity time. Today, I can change how exhausted I feel, how annoyed I get with people and how willing I am to be around new friends." Seung Gil suddenly throws his arms around me, all of his weight taking the air from my lungs. "Good pillow."
I laugh, realizing I've been reduced to part of the bed. "You're lucky you're cute. I'm no man's pillow."
"Until now." He presses a lazy kiss to my sternum, nuzzling under my neck. "I know you probably have shit to do, so don't feel obligated to stay in bed with me." It's kind of hard to get out of bed when he's literally lying on top of me.
"You'll be alright if I go out for a bit?"
"I think so. I know how to reach you, beautiful." Seung Gil rolls off of me, hugging the blankets instead. "You don't mind me staying here, honestly?"
I sit up, shoving the covers his way. "Not at all. You know where everything is."
"Can I play with your hamsters?"
How adorable is he? "Just make sure you don't lose them." I kiss his forehead, lingering close by. "I'm heading out for a little while, then. Should I bring back food, or something, later?"
Seung Gil thinks this over for a minute, nodding. "If it's not too much trouble. Can I ask where you're going?"
"Depends on what you want to eat."
"No, I mean where you're headed." He laughs quietly. "Right now."
Oh, right. "Gotcha. I'm going to have a talk with Victor at his house." That sounds slightly aggressive. "Yuuri's at work, and he feels bad about last night, so I wanna see what's up." I clarify. Seung Gil nods, shutting his eyes. "Going back to sleep?" He nods again, making me laugh. "Okay, well, have fun. Feel free to text me if you need anything." I lean over to kiss him, surprised at how he kisses back; he can barely talk or stay awake, but he sure as hell can move his lips. "See you later, babe."
"Thank you for taking care of me." He waves, sleepy smile melting my heart. "See you."
The front door of the Nikiforov-Katsuki home is pale blue, reminiscent of the winter sky. I went with Yuuri to the hardware store to look at paint samples, and he gravitated towards it from the start. Instead of ringing the bell, I knock and wait a few seconds before opening the door myself. "That you, Phichit?" Victor calls from somewhere, probably the kitchen. A large poodle barrels towards me, greeting me with his tongue hanging out, tail wagging.
"Hi, puppy." I pet his head, smiling at the unconditional love radiating from him. I know he's no longer a puppy, but he'll always be that wiggly newborn I almost took home myself. "Yeah, it's me!" I reply to Victor, walking further into the house and heading straight for the kitchen. I could find my way around this place with my eyes closed: small table to the left, watch out for the edge that juts out!, where tangled keychains rest; potted plant near the sofa, the dirt often attacked by dog paws for reasons unknown; corner table housing photos of the couple from their wedding day, including one with me as Yuuri's best man; doorway with a chip on the right side as proof that the dining table cannot fit through, despite Victor's assurance. "Are you making coffee?" I ask, entering the kitchen. The man is toying with the machine, two mugs already filled and set aside. He's joined by the poodle, pawing at his hip.
"Down, boy." Victor sighs, glancing over his shoulder. "I already made some, but it's making a noise it's never made before. Yuuri might hate me if it's broken."
"Do you want me to check it?" I offer, but he waves me away, holding one of the mugs out.
"No, I'll deal with it later." He fixes his cup to his liking, allowing me to do the same; I know where everything in this kitchen is from the sugar in the canister to the noodles in the drawer and the cans on the shelf. "Shall we take a seat?" Victor settles at the dining room table, taking his usual seat on the end. Behind him, the glass door is uncovered. The snow has stopped, but still coats the patio and yard beyond. The tables and chairs back there look like cloaked figures under their waterproof covers. I take the seat next to him, across from where Yuuri typically sits. "How is he?"
I savor the cinnamon I added to my drink, licking my lips in thought. "He's doing better. Parties drain his energy, and the…encounter only made that worse. When I left, he seemed in a better mood but still sleepy."
"Yuuri slept in, too." Victor nods. His husband isn't the most outgoing person, so he understands the exhaustion of an introvert after social situations. "Did he have a good time, at least?"
It's almost strange to hear him speak in such a gentle tone. Normally, Victor is full of life and constantly smiling. Right now, he's wearing a serious look, absently stirring his coffee: he's concerned. "He did, actually." I smile. "He liked meeting everyone and being out."
His expression lightens, blue eyes brightening. "That's great! I was worried he hated all of us after how quickly you left."
An easy mistake to make. "No, that's not why we left."
"Right. About that." Victor sighs.
Here comes the good stuff, I'm sure. I sip more coffee. "Do tell."
"I'd been talking to Christophe about the party. It was nothing about you, but we got to talking about Yura's friends." Victor's one of the few people who call Yuri by that pet name, probably because he was there for the latter's childhood and became something of a brother figure. Yuri will never admit that, though. "He said something about how he can't listen to the station anymore when he's in town because you're still on it." He rolls his eyes. "I didn't think anything of it, really, but I said you'd be at the party. You know, since he brought you up and everything. Chris only said he'd see about dropping by, but he didn't say he'd be there, and he certainly didn't say he'd try and find you." Victor's eyes look a little lost. "When you left him, I didn't realize he was…well, I guess I didn't understand how invested he really was in the relationship. We both know how he is, so after all this time, I never thought he'd try something with you. That was foolish of me, right?" He rests his head in one hand. "I'm sorry I mentioned anything about you, and that I didn't mention that you have a boyfriend."
I shrug. "It's not your fault, Victor."
"I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better." He pauses to drain his cup. "Chris wasn't proud of what happened, either. He didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable."
"Right, well…" I scoff. Chris is first and foremost concerned about Chris; that's simply the truth.
"Seung Gil was so confused. He didn't even know who Chris was, and I didn't know what to say." Victor rubs his eyes. What does he mean he didn't know what to say? "I thought he knew, but when Yura said his name, he just looked so hurt."
Pretty sure I missed something. When the hell did Victor talk to Seung Gil about who Chris was? "What're you talking about?"
He extracts the spoon from his mouth, letting it clink against the walls of the mug. "Hm?"
I roll my eyes. "What do you mean? You talked with Seung Gil about Chris?"
Victor's jaw drops a bit before he frowns. "Yes? When you were with Yuuri and Chris came up to you. I was with Yura and Otabek, and Seung Gil asked why that man was groping you." Wow, and this is the first I'm hearing of it? I cover my face with a groan. "It wasn't a big deal! He asked, and we told him that you knew Chris, that he was an old friend of ours, but Yura said his name. He didn't seem thrilled to know who he was then." After a minute, I look back up at him: softness to show he cares. "He wasn't mad, Phichit. He cares about you, and wants to protect you."
"Protect me?"
A small smile lights Victor's face. "Even you need someone looking out for you." He taps his chin. "I don't think you realize how brave Seung Gil is."
"I think I'm starting to."
My host takes our mugs to the sink. "From what I saw and what Yuuri tells me, he sounds good for you. Do you think this is something you want for a long time?" Victor asks, shooing his dog out of his path. "Not to pry, or anything."
When he returns to the table, I try to hide my smile; it's far too wide for such a simple question, but I'd be lying if I denied how much I like Seung Gil. "I'm in real deep, Victor." This response gets a laugh out of him, full and jovial. I kick at him under the table. "It's not a joke! It's true." I'm chuckling, too, but I'm quite serious. "I'm really falling for him."
"I believe you." Victor grins. "You deserve it."
"I think so." I tap the edge of the table. "But I just wish things had gone better. I'd hate to think he's traumatized from the whole situation and will be reluctant to go out again."
He hums in thought, crossing his legs to the side. "You said he had fun."
"Yeah."
"I doubt he's traumatized." Victor shrugs. "Maybe next time, just keep things small. Like, one or two friends. Then you can invite him to bigger group things over time." He makes a good point: Seung Gil always did better on our dates with just the two of us. If he's willing, we could take baby steps. We could take them together. "I had to do the same with Yuuri when we were first dating. He didn't like big social functions."
I'll definitely talk this over with Seung Gil later, but nod in agreement. "You're right. He didn't like going out for a long time." I recall. "That's a good strategy, though. Thank you."
"Thank you for keeping me company." Victor beams with delight.
We only share a short conversation more before I get going, off to a takeaway shop nearby. I have an idea of what to get Seung Gil, but I text him before ordering to be sure. The snow has picked back up, rudely reminding me that spring hasn't arrived. Normally the snow has subsided by this time of year; this winter has been relentless. When I look at my phone again, I'd been right about what to order and waste no time telling the cashier what I'd like. While I wait, I scroll through my photo gallery at the images from the party. The lighting was perfection: everyone looks so gorgeous! The ones of Seung Gil and me fill me with butterflies. Not to brag, but we look adorable. So much so that I almost miss my name being called for my food. My bad!
The staircase to my apartment may have been salted, but it's still slippery in places. Slush has collected at the sides, making the surface entirely wet. I hurry up the steps, careful not to slide and roll my ankle or something, and rush inside to beat the cold. While toeing my boots off at the door, I catch my breath. "Friggin' freezing." I mumble.
"You're back." Seung Gil's voice catches me off-guard and I just about drop our food. He laughs at my reaction, sending me the warmest smile to chase the cold away. He has one hamster in his hand, another on his knee; the third is rolling around in one of the plastic balls. Carefully, he tucks the other two in the ball while I hang my coat and bring the food over. My hamsters take off in a snaking path to the other side of the room. Seung Gil hasn't changed out of his pajamas, standing with his arms outstretched. No more invitation is needed: I set our meal on the table and walk right into his hug. It's so warm, so cozy. "Did you have fun hanging out with Victor, and stuff?" I hold onto him tighter, getting comfortable in the crook of his neck.
"I did." I sigh happily, not willing to let him go. "But I'm glad to be here with you."
I left the poodle unnamed because I didn't really think it was relevant; I just wanted Victor and Yuuri to have another dog hahha The next chapter keeps us chugging along, positivity joining us for the rest of the story!
