Loose ends should just about be all tied up in this update!


Before going to bed last night, Seung Gil and I reached a milestone: we had our first argument. It wasn't fun or pleasant, and I can now admit that it was essentially all my fault. Looking back, the whole thing didn't need to happen, but in an odd way, I'm glad it did.

It was after dinner, when I was clearing the dishes from the table by myself. Seung Gil doesn't really like cooking and is alright at it, but I typically make food for us on Sundays since I have the time and energy. For the first time in a while, I just felt exhausted and cooking was the last thing on my list of things I wanted to do. Anyway, Seung Gil typically helps in the kitchen, but last night, he was on the phone with his boss and couldn't really contribute all that much to the meal and this annoyed me. I mean, it's not like he could just ignore the call or hang up: work is important and I understand that. However, I would've loved the help, and as soon as we finished eating, he picked his phone back up and left to make another call without a word. What does that mean for the cleanup? That it falls squarely on me, even though I made the meal and served it while in a bad mood. I'll admit, it didn't ease my irritation that I couldn't talk to him while cooking or after eating and I enjoy talking to my boyfriend for more than only the duration of a meal; I was near the end of my rope, honestly. With a whole lot of attitude, I slammed a lot of the dishes in the sink enough to make noise but not break them. As I put stuff away, I shut cupboards and drawers with more force than necessary just to be aggressive. It was childish and unhelpful and I couldn't help myself. Seung Gil came into the room, still on the phone, and pointed at it as if to remind me he was trying to hear. That pissed me off further, so I tossed a plate, wet and soapy, on the floor. It shattered, sending pieces in all directions, but I didn't care. I stepped over it and stomped to my room, avoiding brushing against him on the way. He ended his call abruptly, following me at precisely the right distance that I could slam the door in his face. Of course, that didn't deter him: he opened the door and marched right over to me, frowning but not scowling or anything. "What's wrong with you?" He asked.

I rolled my eyes, arms crossed, and turned away from him. "I'm mad, Seung Gil Lee."

"I haven't even done anything."

"Just because you're too busy to notice doesn't mean nothing has happened." I remember turning back to him, angry that he was brushing my feelings off. He could've asked what was wrong instead of claiming there was nothing to be mad at. "But I guess you wouldn't know when you won't get off the fucking phone."

"You're always on your phone, and I don't complain about it."

Well, he's said before that this doesn't bother him; to bring it up then upset me more. "You said it doesn't bother you! And I don't mind you being on the phone, but I wanted to talk to you."

"It was an important call."

"So important you couldn't help me clean up? After I made you dinner?"

He sighed, finally looking mad, too. "You ate, too. And I would have helped when I finished talking on the phone. You didn't give me a chance, Phichit."

"You didn't help make dinner, you got up right after eating, you told me to shut up while I cleaned…"

"I never told you to shut up."

He didn't, but it felt like that's what he was implying. "That's how it felt. I didn't even want to make dinner, but I did and you can't spare me a minute of your time?"

"Why didn't you say anything? We could've gone out."

"Or you could've helped me!" I was frustrated he was missing the point and my voice grew louder. "You could've waited to make your stupid call after helping me with the damn dishes! You could have told me you'd help, instead of making me feel like a fucking maid, cooking and cleaning for you while you do more important things!" I wasn't paying attention to his expression; if I had been, I would've stopped yelling. "I'm not the only one in this relationship, and I'd like it to feel that way!" The silence that followed was so heavy, I lost my breath. My screeching voice echoed in my head, the awful words I said on repeat while Seung Gil just stood there, frozen and no longer frowning. His eyes were cast down, unfocused and wet. The anger drained from me when I noticed how his hands were trembling, how he bit down on his lip, how he turned away.

"Sorry."

It was all he said before walking away. I thought I wanted him to apologize, to regret ignoring me and making me put in more work than he was; I thought I wanted him to say sorry. When it happened, though, I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. Why did I scream at my boyfriend until he shut down? Why did I intentionally make him feel bad for something we could've talked through? Why didn't I take a moment to analyze what I was feeling? I was tired and not in a great mood, things added to that bad mood and I lashed out; simple as that. Did Seung Gil really do anything? I did want help, but it's not like he never helps. He's actually really generous with kitchen assistance and almost always does the dishes without question. He's the sweetest man, and treats me with nothing but kindness. He didn't deserve that reaction, those venomous words I spat at him. It wasn't until I covered my face, ashamed, that I realized a tear or two had run down my cheeks. I used my shirt sleeves to wipe them up, rushing back out and to the kitchen. Seung Gil was crouching on the floor, sweeping up the mess I made of the off-white porcelain. A pain in my chest reminded me that I snapped at him, I reacted poorly, I broke a dish, I yelled at him, I hurt him, yet he was cleaning up. I sank to the floor, pushing the dustpan and plate away, wishing I could turn back time. I hate that I hurt him. "I'm sorry!" I blurted on a sob. "I didn't mean any of it. I was in a bad mood and everything just piled up and I took it out on you when you didn't deserve it." I threw my arms around him, crying like I was in physical pain, holding on for dear life. "You don't make me feel like a maid, and I don't feel alone in this." The tears wouldn't stop. "You always help me, and you take care of me and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me!" If anything, the crying only worsened, especially when I felt arms around me in turn. "I'm sorry I said those things, and I'm sorry I made you feel bad. I never want to hurt you, Seung Gil, and I just want you to forgive me for being so awful to you because I didn't mean it, I swear!"

For a while, Seung Gil simply held me in relative silence, my sobs the only noise in the room. I considered what would happen if he didn't forgive me, reinvigorating my crying and sadness, ignoring all logic that one fight shouldn't equal a break up. "I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention." Seung Gil whispered, holding me closer. "I wanted to get the work stuff out of the way so I could be with you the rest of the night, but I didn't know you needed my attention." He leaned his head against mine, chin digging into my shoulder. "Next time, talk to me. Tell me you need me."

His calm consideration made me feel like a dick all over again. "I'm sorry, babe. I really am." I let him push me away, but immediately covered my face so he wouldn't see me bawling. He pulled me by my wrists, holding my hands in his. It was then that I saw how red his eyes were, how dark his skin looked under his eyes. "I never want to hurt you like that."

Seung Gil grabbed my face, pressing his forehead to mine. "Mistakes happen. We'll both make them, but…I think we're strong enough. We're strong enough to get over them. We'll be okay."

It was such a simple thing to say; it made me feel better, though, as my sense of reason started to return. Couples fight; it's normal. As long as we both fight for each other, we can get over any stupid argument. We shared a tearful kiss, cleaned up the kitchen together, dragged ourselves to bed and held each other under the covers, exchanging more kisses until we fell asleep. It wasn't a good disagreement, but it really was a good learning experience. At the end of the day, every disagreement is an opportunity to grow and understand the other in a more complete way. When I woke up in Seung Gil's arms this morning, I realized I never felt closer to him.

He dropped me off at the station after we ate dinner at a quiet restaurant, agreeing to pick me up after my shift. The kiss we shared before I got out of the car was warm and languid; it felt like it was meant to carry me through my worknight, and to be honest, I'm still thinking about it. I'm on a commercial break, fingers drumming against my mouth. Seung Gil knows how to make a kiss linger, that's for sure. He inspired my topic for tonight: personal growth. I may not advertise this, but I've grown since meeting him, too: I can appreciate silence more, can be comfortable waiting for a response; I don't need to analyze every action or every statement that comes my way; I understand little things can mean a lot; I feel like I can let go and trust more than I used to. I've told my listeners these things, sure to leave out Seung Gil's name, but making it known that I'm growing with someone. Because it sounds too syrupy, I leave out the part where it feels rewarding to see somebody else reach their goals at your side; I'm not trying to give my listeners cavities. "I think we have time for one more caller." I let the last one through, sipping my water in preparation. "P Chu is listening to you, dear caller. Who are you tonight?"

The laugh I get in response nearly makes me choke on air; it's so familiar, yet so distant. "Hello, P. I'm currently Confused." Confused my ass: that's Christophe and I know it.

Keeping my professionalism, I roll my eyes and keep my sigh silent. "Welcome. What's got you confused?" I ask, not really interested in what he has to say. I don't resent him for his reaction upon meeting Seung Gil, or even for how he treated me; I'm simply over it all. Apathetic, really.

"You've been talking about self-growth like it's such an easy thing to do."

"Have I? That wasn't my intention." I frown. When did I say bettering oneself is easy? "Of course it takes work and dedication. It's not something that happens overnight." I'm pretty sure I made this point earlier, but perhaps he wasn't listening to the whole show. "Maybe you didn't catch my entire show, Confused, but I've mentioned that it's an ongoing process that takes patience and perseverance."

Again, he laughs. "Okay, okay." He clears his throat. "But do you think some people aren't made for that kind of thing?"

"Are you saying that you don't have any room for improvement?" I smirk, familiar with the things Chris dislikes about himself, resisting the sudden urge to spill it all. Okay, maybe I'm a little annoyed that he made Seung Gil feel bad; some teasing won't hurt, right?

"No, sweetheart." I can hear the pout in his voice. "I simply wonder if this kind of thing is easier for some."

I tap my chin in thought, wondering what Chris is getting at. "Do you know someone who wants to improve themselves, but is having trouble doing that?" In all honesty, Chris is a stubborn man; I didn't peg him for a real soul-searcher, so it doesn't surprise me that he's having trouble in this department.

He sighs before answering. "Well, yes: me. It doesn't help that I recently ran into someone I used to know, and they seemed…better than I remember?"

"Better? In what way?"

At this point, I'm wondering why he actually called. "It reminded me of something I took for granted." Ah; this isn't about my show. "But this person seemed like they'd become someone greater, and I feel like I've been left behind." He pauses and I don't try to fill the silence. "I don't know how I can change like that, and be better than I am now. You make it sound so simple."

I exhale, knowing what he's talking about on a deeper level than the others listening. He thinks he misses me just because he saw me happy with someone else. This is a common mistake people make when running into their exes: he doesn't really miss me, but he's remembering the good things we had and seeing me in a new light since time has passed. Maybe he's lonely, or maybe he actually felt more for me than I knew; either way, the past needs to stay where it is. "Here's the thing, Confused: you have to want to better yourself for you, not for someone else, especially someone from your past. It's the same as eating healthy and exercising. It won't last if you don't do it for the right reasons. Does that make sense?"

"It does." He softly chuckles under his breath. "I think I understand what you mean." I wait for him to elaborate, rehydrating in the meantime. "If I want to improve myself, it's going to be on my own, right?"

"Self-improvement is a journey you make on your own terms, and it isn't always an easy process."

"I understand."

I really hope he's being honest, but I need to be sure. "Well, we're running out of time on the air, but if you stay on the line, I can offer you more advice, okay?" I offer. He agrees, surprise evident in his tone. I wrap up the show, cutting to early commercials, and pick the call back up. "You there, Chris?"

"I am."

"We have a lot of the same friends and I don't harbor any ill will towards you, so we have to get along to some extent, but I need to know if there's anything left to say on your end." Straight to the point, no bullshit.

Chris laughs, but it doesn't sound too happy. "Oh, sweetheart, a novel could be written on what I have to say." That's not what I expected, but I let him speak. "I never did treat you how you needed me to. I regret making you so unhappy, but you know things were different then. I didn't have my priorities in order. I really didn't." Where is this going? "Seeing you again, it did feel like old times. We had something special for a while, and it's sad it ended how it did." It could've been really ugly, so he's lucky I have class. Maybe not a lot, but enough, I think. "You're really happy with this new beau?"

My fingers reach for my lips, the ghost of Seung Gil's kiss still at the front of my mind. Just thinking about him soothes my unease away, a smile curving the corners of my mouth up. "I am. He's…he's very special to me."

"Good. That's good, Phichit. I may not have always acted like it, but I think you deserve to be with someone who can give you what you want. Even, well…even if it's not me."

"That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me." I smirk.

"Possibly." Chris scoffs. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

He huffs out a sigh. "Where to begin?" Where indeed. "Hurting you when I never meant to. Not listening to you. Um, making a scene at Yuri and Otabek's party. Offending you and your boyfriend. Not being what you needed."

"We never would've worked out and both been happy." I remind him when regret seeps into his words. "You know that, right? We're no good for each other that way."

"I see that now."

What a relief! I start to smile more, feeling lighter than I have since he called in. "I'm glad. You know, you deserve someone, too. Someone who works well with you and can support you and will actually remember where you left your glasses." It's nice to hear a genuine laugh from him: he's not a bad person, and we all deserve happiness. "I really hope you'll find him one day."

"Thank you, P. I don't want you to hate me. Do you hate me?"

"No, I never did. I was just hurt." I shrug. "Enough time has passed for me that I'm not mad or hurt anymore."

Chris hums in agreement before pausing again. "Well, I'm glad. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, by the way. You're such a sweetheart." When he uses my old pet name this time, it doesn't make me internally cringe.

"It's my job." I chuckle. "It's no problem, Chris."

"So…friends?"

"Yes, but if you ever make my boyfriend uncomfortable again, I won't be such a sweetheart, okay?" I had to warn him; it was the polite thing to do.

After we hang up, there are still a few minutes left before the next show. I take my time stretching and gathering my things, anticipating Mila and Yuri at the door. Another minute or two passes, and still no sign of them. Frowning, I check my phone for any messages saying the two will be late: nothing. Hm. Well, there's really nothing left for me to do here, so I exit the booth. Ah, I can hear Mila's voice in the lobby; they must be having a conversation over there. Instead of seeing the two talking alone, I see another familiar face and immediately hide around the corner. Seung Gil is the third person standing there, and he's actually in the conversation! "It's not that I dislike cats, or anything. Every time I've come across one, it doesn't seem to care for me." He says.

"Like, ignoring you or acting aggressive towards you?" Yuri asks.

"Suddenly a cat expert." Mila giggles.

They ignore her. "Mostly ignoring me." Seung Gil clarifies.

"They don't hate you, genius. That's them showing respect." Yuri explains. "They only meow at you if they think you're stupid, and test you if they think they can get away with it."

"Sounds like you." Mila teases.

"Shut up." I can almost hear the blonde rolling his eyes. "Have you thought about getting a new dog?"

A brief pause. "Um, yes, but I'm not sure I'm ready?" Seung Gil can actually talk about his old pet without getting emotional; it's progress. "And I'm not sure about bringing a dog around Phichit's hamsters. We'll have to talk about it."

"Oh, shit, you're right." Yuri agrees. "Yeah, maybe discuss that first."

"I think a cat would be more dangerous around hamsters, to be honest." Mila offers. "I want a puppy."

"You're not around enough for a puppy." Yuri reminds her.

"Whatever." Mila whines right before she gasps. "Yuri, we're gonna be late!" She groans. "Sorry, Seung Gil, we gotta go. Nice talking to you!" Her voice is rushed with urgency.

"Yeah, see you around. Talk to Phichit about the hamster thing." Yuri adds.

"I will." Seung Gil agrees. "Nice seeing you both."

Even though I've done nothing, the sense of pride that fills me at Seung Gil's interaction with my friends could outshine a star. If I could see myself, I'd seriously say I was beaming. "Oh, доброе утро Phichit!" Mila greets me around the corner in Russian, not too flustered to spare me a grin. "Your man is in the lobby!"

"Hope he doesn't run into Celestino." Yuri mutters with a tired smirk, brushing by me with force.

The last thing on my mind was the two of them meeting; I was so caught up in Seung Gil's personal victory that I kinda forgot my boss and I used to be lovers. Now that I've put both feet on the ground, I rush to the front desk to find my boyfriend and remind him of who else is around. It's not really a warning, but I know he doesn't like being caught off guard in social situations. "Morning, beautiful." Seung Gil yawns when I come into view. "Did you talk through everything with Chris?"

I fall into his open arms, slightly confused how he remembered my ex's voice, but nod. "Yeah, it's all settled. Speaking of my past, I want to remind you that—"

"Phichit, you're still here!" Ciao Ciao just had to walk in from the breakroom at this exact moment, didn't he? Wonderful. Should all my high school boyfriends join us, too? I turn around, feeling a little awkward, but don't leave the comfort of Seung Gil's arms. Celestino blinks with a small smile. "Oh, I heard your voice and thought you were alone. Sorry." Why is he walking over here? Is he trying to shake hands with Seung Gil? "Hi, I'm Celestino, Phichit's boss. You must be Seung Gil."

The two shake hands, albeit slightly stiffly, and Seung Gil nods. "Yeah, that's me. Just picking him up before I head to bed."

It's a slightly weird thing to say but nobody can ever call him insincere. Celestino sort of laughs with a nod of his own. "Makes sense. I've heard a lot about you." I suppose my boss is also rather genuine, too. "You're taking good care of our resident therapist, I hope." Is…is he acting paternal right now? "I was going to talk over some stats with you, Phichit, but it can wait for tomorrow. I won't keep you two." Like with our talk about our relationship, Celestino has decided to spare me a considerable amount of drama and discomfort. We didn't get so lucky when Seung Gil met Chris, but that's all good now. I nod, reaching for Seung Gil's hand.

"Yeah, we'll go over that tomorrow after my shift."

"Great." Celestino waves, heading back to the desk. "Good to meet you!"

Over his shoulder, Seung Gil replies: "You, too."

And just like that, I never have to worry about my boyfriend meeting a relevant ex again. I let out a long breath, sinking into the passenger seat of the car. "That was only a little awkward." For whatever reason, this makes Seung Gil laugh. Confused, I turn to him. "Why are you laughing?"

"Why should it be awkward? We're all grown. We all know people have pasts, and fuck other people."

"You make it sound like I'm still doing that!" I laugh in spite of myself.

"I mean before." He amends, driving us to my place. "Don't tell me I was supposed to think you were a virgin when we met."

The concept is too funny to not laugh at; even Seung Gil laughs at his own comment. Or maybe he's laughing at me accidentally snorting when I catch my breath. "That's so ridiculous! You are ridiculous."

"Honestly: I know what happened between you two, and you were upfront about it. I know you see him every day of the week and he'll be in your life for a long time." He shrugs. "He's an adult about it, though, and treats you with respect. He shook my hand. I don't mind." I sit up straighter, staring at the side of his head as if to see his thoughts and how they've formed so I can make sense of them.

"You don't mind what?"

"Your past, I guess. Knowing what you and your boss used to do. It's not a big deal to me."

I know he has a past of his own, but we've never discussed it in much detail. Teasingly, I nudge his shoulder. "How many exes did you say you had?" I make sure I use a joking tone, but that doesn't stop the redness from tinting his face. "I'm kidding, babe! You know I don't care about that." I even add in a laugh to remind him none of that stuff matters. "I know it's only me now, so who cares about the past?"

"You're too much for five AM, P." He shakes his head with a smirk. I laugh more, enjoying the sound mixing with his occasional chuckle. For the rest of the ride, I lean against his shoulder, my hand in his, happy to sit in silence with Seung Gil.


Mila said 'good morning' when she ran into Phichit; he's got the weird shift that starts at night and ends in the morning. By the way. ..there's only one more chapter, and then the bonus one! Aaaaaahhhhhhhh thanks so much for your continued support, dear readers :3