Chapter Thirty-One: The Letter
"You sure you don't want to come, Dad?"
Greg patted Steven on the shoulder. "Yeah, I'm sure, bud. Think I'm gonna just chill here for the day, ya know? Get some R&R."
Steven nodded, but Greg could tell he was disappointed his old man wasn't coming along with him, Pearl, and Lapis to Seoul. Greg was a little disappointed, too. Seoul always had an amazing nightlife, with lots of great restaurants and shows and such.
But Greg had to spend the day doing something more important.
Pearl laid a sympathetic hand on Greg's arm. "If you need us, Steven will have his phone."
Greg smiled weakly. "Alright. Thanks, Pearl."
After coming home from his first visit from the grief group therapy in Ocean Town, he'd been surprised to find Pearl had been waiting at the RV for him. She'd asked how it had gone, and he'd told her that it had mainly been introductions and sharing his story. Luckily, the group hadn't been pressed for too many details. He was still trying to figure out how to work the finer points into it without sounding like a nut.
Talking through your emotions and problems was mostly a foreign concept to Gems. Actually, it was a pretty foreign concept to a lot of humans, too. But it was literally alien to Pearl, and he could tell she still didn't entirely understand it.
Nonetheless, she had listened to his explanation in that quiet way of hers, and offered to help in whatever way she could. When Greg had said that what he needed right then was a day to himself without Steven around so he could work on some therapy stuff, Pearl had then told him her idea.
"We'll get you something cool," Steven said, before smiling over his shoulder at Lapis. "Maybe after we find a show Lapis wants to see."
Lapis shrugged dully in response. "I don't know what's so special about this city. All the ones I've flown over have looked pretty much the same."
"Trust me, Lapis," Pearl said. "Seoul is noteworthy."
"Yeah! It's got an old palace, and awesome markets, and this cool art gallery, and it's awesome!" cried Steven.
"If you say so," muttered Lapis.
"So when do you think you'll be back?" Greg asked.
"Before nightfall here," Pearl answered, before putting both hands on Steven's shoulders. "Although… you know how that can go."
Greg laughed good-naturedly. "Yeah, I do. So you behave for Pearl, Steven."
"Daaaaad," Steven groaned, his cheeks flaring with color. "I'm not a little kid. I'm not gonna wander off or anything."
"Again," Pearl added with a small smile.
Greg laughed again, waving the them away. "Okay, you three. Go have fun. Take a round in a karaoke bar for me."
The three walked off towards the Temple, waving and saying goodbye as they did. They soon turned the corner on the beach and Greg was alone by the RV.
He continued to stand there and look towards the beach for several seconds before stepping back inside the RV. He walked to one of the cabinets in the sitting area, only to notice the paper and pen already laying on the table. Pearl must have gotten them out before they left.
Greg couldn't help but smile. Pearl always seemed to go out of her way to help him. However, that thought knotted his insides and brought his mind back on the main reason he was doing this.
Greg sat down at the table and grabbed a pen, pressing its tip against the paper, but not moving from there.
He had no idea how to start this.
The group had encouraged him to be as honest as possible, that the idea was that even getting these feelings onto paper would make a difference. Admittedly, Greg had been a little dubious, but the more he thought about it, the more he came around to the idea. It'd be like sucking the poison out of a wound. The start of the healing process.
(Wait. Wasn't sucking poison out of a wound a bad thing? He was pretty sure he'd read that somewhere...)
Greg shook his head. That wasn't the point. The point was that he could start moving forward. That he could finally stop thinking about Blue's smile as they cuddled under the stars, wishing that he could go back to those precious times. for those times to be back.
After a moment, Greg started writing. It wasn't much, really. Less a letter and more just him writing as if he were talking to Blue, as if she were sitting across from him, silently waiting to hear what he had to say. It was heart-pounding, and Greg had to remind himself that he was here alone.
'How could you possibly treat Pearl like that?'
Greg's breath caught in his throat and he dropped his pen. He had to get up from his seat, had to look away from the paper. He walked over to the kitchen sink and splashed some cool water on his face.
The chill against his face was bracing, and the sound of running water into the sink was oddly soothing. He just stared into the sink, at the water splashing into the metal bottom, and considered his own thoughts.
Pearl. That was what always seemed to hook him, filling him with icy fear and guilt.
Pearl. A slave.
"It's not like that anymore, it's not like that anymore…" Greg kept telling himself that, in the hopes that it would banish his past from his mind. But even now, his memories turned towards him and Blue. He lingered at the sink for a few more moments before walking back to the table, his steps unsteady. He sank back into his seat and his unfinished letter, with its unanswerable question staring back at him.
No, not unanswerable. The answer was fairly simple.
Blue, the person Greg knew and loved, was nowhere near the person he thought she was.
He thought all there was to her was a grieving sister, too burdened by her responsibilities to continue on in her old life. And… she was. That was something that had been mentioned at the group. That people- even the people who had hurt you- were all individuals, and that you should always try your best to imagine them complexly.
So Blue was who Greg had thought she was- the loving, artistic soul who would be content to lie on the mountainside and listen to Greg strum his guitar. But she was also the person who thought nothing of enslaving another, who thought so little of it that she didn't even try and tell him. It… just was.
You didn't even see it! All those years with her and you never even saw anything that you thought could be wrong!
Admittedly, that wasn't completely true. A lot about Blue's and Pearl's relationship had struck Greg as odd over the years. The way they always seemed so rigid around each other and never really seemed to talk to each other. But he'd always chalked that up to them being literal aliens from another planet. Heck, there was a lot of Pearl's behavior that still made him raise an eyebrow.
Then maybe you should be asking about them? Unless you want something like this happening again…
Greg sighed, before glancing at the window next to the table. There were pictures sitting in the sill. They were all family pictures that Steven had brought from the Palanquin. None from before Steven was born, thankfully. Mostly just pictures of the three of them: himself, Steven and Pearl.
One in particular caught Greg's eye. He remembered taking it. It had been late at night, just a few days before Greg had flown off to American and Steven had moved into the Palanquin. They'd all gone out to eat together, sorta like a last shindig. It'd started with a melancholic air, but Steven had perked up as the night had worn on. After the meal, he'd insisted on a photo of all three of them, to remember their great evening.
Greg smiled at the memory of the slightly befuddled businessman that Pearl had asked to take their picture. No doubt he was tired and just wanted to go home, and then this odd threesome were asking for their photo taken. But he'd still taken the photo, a moment now captured in this frame.
Just the three of them smiling, Steven standing in front of Greg, his cheeks red from the cold…
The thought began to squirm in Greg's mind.
It was selfish, Greg knew that. Especially in the wake of what he had found out about Pearl's life… But that was what always circled the edges of his mind, what hung over him as he tried to fall asleep listening to Steven's gentle breathing in the back of the RV.
That Greg, through his choice of partner, may have inadvertently ruined Steven's life. That he should have had a normal mother. A good one.
That was stupid. If Steven had had another mother, he wouldn't have been Steven.
But still...
Memories that, in any other circumstance would seem like nothing, swirled around Greg. Images of him at the old apartment, Steven sitting in his lap and Greg happily telling him about his mother and what a wonderful, sweet, and talented person she was.
...all while Pearl dusted the nearby windowsill, a silent reminder of who Blue truly was. But Greg had been too stupid and too blinded by his own feelings to really see it.
And through that, he had ruined one life and perpetuated the hurt of another.
Greg gasped, his breath catching in his throat as an unseen tear fell from his face and landed with a dull splat on the paper, marking it with the hurt he felt.
Without even drying his eyes, Greg grabbed his pen, but was unable to fully write down his final thoughts.
How could you do this to them
How could you do this to our son
With that, Greg finally broke down and began sobbing into his hands, the pen clattering against the table. All feelings that had been slowly building up since that evening when Pearl had first told him the truth-
Greg sniffed and finally wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
No. The way that sounded made it seem like Pearl had been keeping a secret. But she hadn't. The matter-of-fact way she had spoken had made that clear enough. To Pearl, that was just… her life. Perhaps barely a change.
It has changed. The way she acts around him… It's totally different than how she was around Blue. It's different.
The thought felt good, even if the thought of comforting himself on the back of Pearl's abuse made him feel sick to his stomach.
For several uncounted minutes, Greg just sat there, his eyes closed tightly shut as he tried his best to stop crying.
He didn't succeed for a long, long time. But when he did, he finished his letter.
It was nightfall by the time Steven, Pearl, and Lapis had returned. Enough time for Greg to thankfully recompose himself.
(And crumple his letter and stuff it in his back pocket.)
"It was so great, Dad!" Steven exclaimed as the four of them stood outside under the canopy. The evening breeze felt refreshing against Greg's warm face. "The show we saw was amazing! And then after the food carts, we did karaoke! Even Lapis joined in!"
Lapis crossed her arms and looked away, a noticeable blush crossing her face. She shrugged. "Everyone else was doing it. Would have been weird if I hadn't."
Pearl smiled at her. "It was certainly a spectacle."
That seemed to be one comment too many. In a flash, two watery wings appeared on Lapis's back. She took a step away from them, before stopping and turning towards Steven and Pearl. "It… was pretty fun, though." An awkward smile spread across her face.
"See?" Steven asked. "I told you Seoul would be cool."
"Yeah." Lapis looked over at Pearl. "Guess there is a bit more to this planet."
Pearl's smile seemed to grow just a little wider as she nodded. "Yes. There is."
With a nod of her own, Lapis flapped her wings and leapt into the air, hovering over them for a few moments before flying off. Greg wondered how they'd managed to get her to stick around for an entire day, or at all.
"So," Greg said, clapping his hands together. "Had a long day, sport. Probably time to pack it in for the night, huh?"
As if in response, Steven yawned mightily. "Yeah. I'm sleepy."
"Though, before that," Pearl said. "You'll need to clean yourself. At least as best we can here."
"Oh, crud," Greg said, surprising himself by speaking out loud. Steven and Pearl looked at him and he explained, "I meant to ask Vidalia or Barb if we could borrow one of their showers." He grinned sheepishly at Steven. "If for no other reason than you don't have to keep bathing in the sink of the car wash, bud."
Steven giggled at his Dad. "Well, one more time won't be the end of everything."
Greg laughed back. "I guess not. Go on. Grab your towel and shampoo." Steven nodded and darted into the RV. Greg looked over at Pearl. "So how'd things go? No problems?"
Pearl shook her head. "No. Steven had a good time and, though she is loathe to admit it, I believe Lapis did as well."
"And you?"
"Yes. I did as well. It was an enjoyable time."
"Good. That's good," Greg said.
For a second, Pearl looked as if she was going to ask something, but Steven returned, towel, shampoo, and pajamas in hand.
"Ready!" he declared with the energy of a person who hadn't been experiencing city nightlife all day.
Greg and Steven walked over to the car wash's front door, Pearl following after them. Greg unlocked the door and flicked on the light. "Alright, Steven. You go get ready for bed. We'll be right here."
Steven nodded and walked to bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The sound of water from the sink shortly followed.
Greg sat down in one of the waiting room's chairs, sighing as he did. Steven wouldn't be the only one sleeping soundly tonight. Hopefully.
"Greg." The sound of his name made Greg perk up and he saw Pearl was standing next to him. "How was your day?"
There was a certain firmness to the way she asked, as if she could already tell what he was going to say. Which wouldn't be surprising. Pearl was always that perceptive.
He sighed. "It was… something. Long." He shook his head. "Lots of reflecting, ya know?"
"I believe we have all been doing a lot of that," Pearl responded.
That was certainly true. While Greg could scarcely imagine what was going through the Crystal Gems' minds about recent events, he knew Steven had a lot on his plate, even if the poor kid did his best to try and hide it.
But the way he had hidden the few pictures of Blue Diamond that had been at the Palanquin in a cupboard in the RV was… telling.
And of course, he couldn't even begin to imagine what was going on in Pearl's mind.
"I guess we have," Greg said. "Though I'll admit, today was definitely a bit more personal with its soul searching." Pearl said nothing in return and Greg heaved another sigh, looking down at his sandaled feet. "I just... worry about Steven through all this… Making him question who he is or… I don't even know."
And that was true. Greg's worry about his son was so nebulous in nature. Beyond hurting Steven or hurting his chances at a good life, Greg had nothing to really hang his fear on. And that made it so much worse to him.
He felt his throat tighten, followed quickly by someone- Pearl- taking his hand into her own and holding it firmly. He looked up at her and she was facing away from him, looking instead at the bathroom door.
"Steven is Steven. As he always has been," Pearl said simply. "Nothing can change that."
Greg looked at Pearl, almost awestruck by what she'd said, before a small, but thankful smile bloomed on his lips. "Yeah. He is," Greg agreed. "I guess all we can do is to continue to be there for him."
"As we always have been."
Greg nodded, his smile taking on a slightly more melancholic feeling. "Yeah..."
The water turned off from the bathroom and Greg rose to his feet, just as Steven stepped out, drying his hair, the clothes he'd been wearing that day draped over his shoulder.
"Okay," he said. "That feels a little better."
"Well I'm glad," Greg said.
"Did you brush your teeth, sunshine?" Pearl asked.
"Yup. See?" Steven flashed a bright, toothy smile at them.
Pearl smiled. "Very good. Now then, I believe it's time we return to the RV."
Steven nodded, saying nothing as another yawn overtook him. The three of them exited the car wash, Greg pausing a moment to lock it up, before the three of them returned to the RV. Once inside, Steven went straight to the bed in the back, crawling under the covers and holding his arms out for them.
Greg and Pearl each took in turn to hug and kiss him on the forehead, wishing him a good night. Greg flipped the light off and both he and Pearl returned to the front of the RV.
But Pearl didn't stay long, saying that she was going to retire for the evening with Lapis. Greg waved her off. "Of course. You've been busy all day. You go take some relaxation time."
Pearl lingered for just a moment, before quickly nodding, saying she'd be back before sunrise. She quietly left the RV, leaving Greg alone.
Greg sat down in the driver's seat of the RV, considering grabbing his blanket and pillow and getting some rest as well. But the idea quickly fled his mind. He was still feeling a little too antsy to fall asleep. Instead he got up, pacing a little before he heard Steven in the back. He quickly paused, afraid that he had woken him, but there was no more sound, save for Steven's soft snores.
Knowing he shouldn't, but unable to resist, Greg walked back to the bed, drawing the privacy curtain aside and just… looked at his dear boy. Greg felt a whirling mix in his gut, complete love and clawing sadness together.
But he still just quietly watched his son, sitting down after a moment, too afraid to draw too close lest he wake him.
He looked so innocent. Just a boy tired out by a long day, his chest slowly rising and falling with his sleepy breathing. No harshness in his life, no terrible secrets. Just a boy resting for the next day.
Greg furrowed his brow as he began to chew on his lip. Slowly, not even fully realizing what he was doing, Greg slid his letter out of his back pocket, carefully flattened it, and let his eyes slowly scan over it:
Blue
I don't even know what to say to you. After these last few weeks, you don't even seem like the same person anymore. Not like the person I met on the mountainside and fell in love with. Because that person could never do what I've found out you did.
How could you possibly treat Pearl like that? Another person, a living person and you just enslaved her. I know you'd give me all sorts of excuses if you were here. That this was a Gem thing, and that I just couldn't understand. That's the line you always told me whenever I got confused about Homeworld stuff, and I always accepted it. But I can't accept this. I can't.
Pearl's one of the nicest, sweetest people I know. And you just used her. I think about you a lot. I always have. I love d thinking about all the time we spent together. Our trip to Empire. Wandering the mountainside, composing music. Those times visiting me in my apartment, me sleeping against your bare skin. I know you found it so weird, shapeshifting your clothes away. You didn't get it, but you still tried, just because I asked.
If I'd asked you to stop hurting Pearl, would you? I don't know. I just don't. I'm realizing now that I never really knew you Blue. And maybe you didn't even realize what you were doing, who you were hurting. And going to hurt eventually.
Steven's so big now. Big by human standards, at least. I think you'd like him. I think I knew you well enough to believe that, to believe you'd be proud of him. He's awesome at art, and he loves talking to animals, and he's making friends here, human and gems too. You wouldn't like that. You hated the Crystal Gems.
And I don't know. Maybe even if Amethyst wasn't one, you'd still hate their friendship. After finding out how you treated Pearl, who knows how you treated Amethysts and Lapises and Rose Quartzes and who knows what other gems there are out there. Part of me wants to find out but… I guess I'm scared to ask.
Isn't that stupid? We never really talked too much about Steven's future, besides making sure I protected him from the Crystal Gems. You wanted him to grow up on Earth, but I know you wanted him to go back to Homeworld eventually, too. What did you expect to happen when he did? That's he'd just continue on where you left off? Inherit all your slaves and armies?
Now, knowing what I do, I'm glad you're not around anymore, because I don't think I could bring myself to look you in the eye ever again.
It hurt reading the letter again, but Greg didn't cry, didn't whimper. He was too tired and his tears were already spent. Instead, he looked down into his lap, crumpling the letter in his fist as a new feeling rose inside him. A sense of determination.
No matter what, I'm going to be there for him. Heaven and hell just try and stop me.
The new feeling didn't replace the grief and sadness Greg felt, but it did almost temper it, cornering it into something smaller and more manageable.
Greg smiled again as he leaned his head against the wall, his eyes beginning to feel heavy as he closed them for the night. It wouldn't make everything better immediately, but it was a start.
A start for a brand new Greg Universe.
