Chapter 5 – Not Ready
I woke up and saw that Charlie was going to be home soon. I knew I had to make dinner, but I didn't have the energy for that. Considering that I hadn't eaten all day, I really should make dinner, but I wasn't up to it. I heard the front door open and his boots clunking up the stairs. I turned over in bed, away from the door. I didn't want Charlie to see me like this. There was a knock on my door, but I didn't answer. "Bella?" My door creaked open, "Bells, are you all right?" I nodded, "Yes, Dad. Sorry about dinner. I'm not feeling well." He sighed, "Have you heard?" "Yes. I saw them today at school." He sighed, "How did it go?" I sat up, still facing away from the door, "I really don't want to talk about it right now. Today was pretty rough." "Ok, Bells. I'll order a pizza." I sighed, "Sorry, again." "Don't be, honey." The phone rang. "Dad, if it's for me, tell them I'll talk to them tomorrow." Charlie closed my door and I sat in my bed. I looked out my window for a long moment. My eyes on a box that was on my desk. I went over to it. I have never seen it before and it wasn't there when I came in.
I looked up to my window. I always left it unlocked. Before picking up the box, I locked all the windows in my room. I really wanted to be alone. I sat in my rocking chair and held the box in my lap. Picking up the cover and my eyes widened. Edward was here, while I was sleeping. He brought my stolen items back. My CD, our pictures and my airline tickets; all the items from my birthday that he took. I blinked and I felt the moisture welling up in my eyes. Part of me was glad to have them back, but another part was also upset. Edward lied to me. It wasn't the first lie he's ever told me, but it was the most painful. All the lies Edward told me were for my safety, at least from his perspective. I paced my room, holding the CD between my fingers. Part of me wanted to play it, but I still didn't want to listen to music, least of all music written by him. Music was one of my strongest and most painful reminders of him, of what we had.
I fell back on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. My mind couldn't complete a single thought. I can accept that they're back, but what Edward told me was much harder to grasp. Also, seeing Edward and Jacob practically standing off today; that was tense. Jacob almost phased at the school. Edward actually looking like a vampire when Jacob wanted me to leave with him. That was not helping the situation. I clutched at the roots of my hair. My mind was buzzing wildly. I just wanted to forget, just for right now, I wanted to forget everything. I pulled the quilt over my head, trying to block out all my thoughts. I was feeling so many emotions at once, it would have confused Jasper. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hit something and I wanted to yell. Sighing, I threw the quilt off and sat in my rocking chair. I looked out my window, as I always did. There was another knock on my door, "Bella, Jake's here." I cut my eyes to the door, turning my head slowly, "Dad, not now." "Bella!" Jacob was right outside my door, "please, open the door." I sighed and laid on my bed. I was so frustrated. I pulled out my compact CD player and put on one of my CD's, turning it all the way up. It blocked out the knocks on my door, until they stopped. Soon, I was asleep again. Tonight, my nightmare had completely changed. I was walking alone through trees. I was walking toward the sunrise. In the dream, I knew I was going too far. I knew I wanted to go back, but I couldn't. I was out of time. I kept walking and walking. I realize that as I kept walking, I saw passing faces. I couldn't make out whose faces they were. I just knew they were the faces of people who had come and gone in my life. This dream was strange, but one I couldn't ignore.
I ran back to Bella's house. I had to try and make things right with her. That was my objective. Hearing Angela's story explained Bella's reluctance today. I reached her house and saw all the lights were off. I picked up Charlie's snores and dreams. I went for Bella's window, but it was locked. That shocked me; she never locks her windows. She must want to keep me out. I looked into the room and saw the box I left for her was open on her bedside table. I closed my eyes and hung my head. My grip on the eave was loosening, until I heard her voice. "No, no. Why?" I looked into the window as she turned to her side. I scaled around the house and found the window to Charlie's bedroom. I snuck in and ran down the hall to Bella's bedroom. Her CD player was spinning and I stopped it. Her head was shaking and her breathing was erratic. Her hand flew over her body, but I caught it. It was going to slam into the bedside table. Her eyes flew open and they were wide and shocked, "Edward?" I sat on the bed and brushed her hair. "What were you dreaming about?" She looked at to her hand in mine, "It's not important." "Bella, everything you do is important to me." She groaned, "Don't say that. I know it's not true."
I sighed, "Yes it is. Why is it easier for you to believe the lies I told you?" She blinked, "Because I'm nothing. Just a human. I was stupid to think I could have you in my life." I watched her face, "Bella, that is absolutely ridiculous. I was stupid to actually think that I could come back and you would accept me in your life again." She blinked and reached to turn on her lamp, "What?" I hadn't released her hand, "I was the stupid one. I was so sure that you wanted to see me. You obviously have moved on. That's why the dog showed up today and tried to take you." She blinked, "How did you get in here? I locked the window." I looked away, "I'd rather not tell you." "Charlie's window?" "Right." She sighed, "You never did understand the concept of 'being alone.' You really shouldn't have done that." I looked at her, "I was going to leave, but….." She scoffed, "I was talking and you couldn't resist. Where have I heard that one before?" She took her hand from mine and got out of bed. She picked up her bag of toiletries, "If you don't mind, can we talk about this tomorrow? I really wanted to be alone tonight."
I sighed, "I know. It's just difficult for me to be away from you after all this time. I know you don't want to see me, but I had to see you." She blinked and looked down, "I understand, but….." I stood and walked over to the window, "Good night, Bella." I unlocked the window, but I looked back at her, "I just need one thing, if you don't mind." She nodded, "What?" Dashing across the room, before she could blink, I wrapped my arms around her. My face nestled in her hair, inhaling at her delicious scent. Her arms wound around my waist and I kissed her hair. Her cheek grazed my skin and looked down at her. If I move another inch closer, our lips would be touching. We stared into each other's eyes. In this moment, I felt alive again. I had Bella in my arms. I could feel her and taste her on my tongue. She bit her lip, "Bye, Edward."
I let my fingers fall from her body, "I'll see you in the morning." I turned away and leapt her window. My arms still burned from her touch. Instead of running, I walked home. I didn't want her scent on my clothes to fade. It would weaken, but it won't completely fade. If I could, I would kill myself for the pain I caused her. Her life was shattered when I left. Found on the forest floor, so far from home and alone in the night. Why did she wonder further into the woods? What was going through her mind when she did that? It took me the better part of an hour to get home. Alice and Esme were sitting on the doorstep. Here he is, Esme sighed with relief. They were waiting for me. Alice was holding Esme's hand, "You shouldn't have done that, Edward. You should have left her alone." I groaned, "I couldn't, all right, Alice? I had to see her. After what Angela told you, how could I stay away?" Esme shook her head, "Don't argue. I know it was hard hearing all that information, Edward. This is difficult, but you mustn't push her. You have to be patient, or risk losing her forever." My eyes closed. That was a fate worse than death. Losing Bella, again. I couldn't. I sat with Esme and she put her arm over me, "I can't do that. Esme, I need her." She blinked, "I know, but she is confused right now. As suddenly as we left, we suddenly came back into her life. Give her time. She'll come around. You have to be patient."
Alice closed her eyes. In her vision, she saw Bella and herself sitting together before class, talking. You better not interfere, Edward. You had today, let me have tomorrow. I shook my head, "Fine, you can try." Esme looked between us, "I may hate it when you two do that, but I really have missed it." Alice and I laughed together and Esme smiled.
