The peaceful rest he'd been denying himself for so long was welcome, comforting, and he easily allowed himself to drown in it...but something wasn't letting him stay. Something was pulling his mind out of the gentle darkness, back to the surface where he could no longer hide from his pain. His side ached and burned, his head throbbed, and though it trembled, he felt a heavy hand gripping his shoulder firmly. In his haze of denial, he was certain he was imagining it all, until he heard the same familiar voice call out to him from just beside him again.
"Horatio?"
He forced his eyes open despite their protest, blinking them into focus as he found a face closely hovering just above him. For a fleeting, wistful moment, he saw Deilia once more as he had just days ago, looking on him with her kind, caring eyes, her effortless smile...but his vision suddenly cleared, and it was her twin brother kneeling over him instead.
"...Koril."
The Paneau Royal had been a recluse for some time, Wil had told him, and though the two men were separated by less than a year in age, it appeared that profound grief, heartache, and long term health issues had substantially aged him. It had been a decade or two since Horatio had last seen him, but his sandy blond hair had nearly completely grayed, and his weary, sagging eyes looked almost...empty. Except for the faint concern he expressed for his nephew's father as Horatio continued to recover, Koril seemed more a shell of his former self than anything. Perhaps it was his dedication to his duty that kept him so controlled and contained; Horatio had just gotten one of his closest, dearest friends killed, after all.
"...are you here to arrest me?"
A strange mixture of confused surprise filtered through Koril's expression as he considered Horatio's question, but it left Horatio equally perplexed. Why would he react like Horatio had proposed something so bizarrely outlandish? Why else would Koril be there, confronting him alone?
After a few moments, Koril slowly shook his head with soft understanding in his eyes. "No...I'm not going to arrest you."
Horatio had some difficulty believing what he had heard, until Koril lifted his hand from Horatio's shoulder and held it toward him, offering to help him sit up from the floor. Koril's hand shook noticeably as he silently waited, patiently outlasting Horatio's reluctance. Still expecting some kind of trap, Horatio took Koril's hand with a similarly shaky grip and carefully pulled himself upright, riding out the dizziness that again threatened to overtake him.
Once his eyes had regained clarity, Horatio looked about nervously, expecting to see a dozen Royal Guards surrounding them in the quiet halls of the Rys'tihn Retreat. The two men remained alone, however, accompanied only by Phantom who softly purred at his side as she watched him curiously. The only object out of place, a modest walking cane on the floor beside Koril, didn't stay there long; satisfied that Horatio would remain conscious, Koril picked it up and used it for leverage and balance as he weakly stood from his kneeling position. He seemed quite familiar and well practiced with its use, a notion that saddened Horatio a great deal. Koril was once a proud, skilled pilot who in his prime could have put even the likes of the famed Rogue Squadron to shame, but...he had become so frail, so breakable...he probably could no longer fly on his own.
Despite his feeble frame, Koril again offered Horatio his hand to bring him to his feet, as well. Horatio quickly declined, though, swallowing a hard lump in his throat as he instead elected to pull himself back up onto the bench he'd been sitting on before the arrival of his company. He felt himself swaying in place with the effort, but able to brace his upper body by gripping the bench's edge, he regained his balance and controlled his pain just as he felt Koril slowly lower beside him. It was a surreal moment, he recognized, seated next to a member of Wil's family he hadn't yet spoken to since that surprise revelation years ago...
"I couldn't arrest you," Koril continued with a light, frank tone, bringing him back to the present, "even if I wanted to."
Unsure what Koril's admission meant, Horatio met his gaze with concern, only just noticing that the Rys'tihn wore no uniform as he always had. No deep purple or gold, no fine tunic...just a simple gray jacket over a loose off-white shirt and dark pants.
"Horatio, I haven't been High Commander for some time now. I resigned...after the death of my son."
Of course, Horatio realized, his eyes closing as he felt his heart wrenching with deep sympathy. Wil had told him years ago how much his cousin Derek Rys'tihn's death had affected them all and how much Koril had blamed himself for their unthinkable loss, but Horatio hadn't since thought much on how such an event might change one forever. It was no wonder he had become a mere shade of himself, almost unrecognizable as his pain had so dramatically transformed him over time. Like no one else he knew, then, Koril understood exactly the guilt and blame Horatio bore in the wake of Mand's death - for Koril himself had shouldered far worse for far, far longer.
"I'm sorry."
It was a grossly inadequate sentiment, he knew, but he could think of nothing more appropriate to say in that moment. Koril appeared unaffected, though, accepting Horatio's empathy with a gracious nod. They sat in mutual silence for several minutes, a wordless accord stretching between them that even Phantom didn't dare interrupt. Koril's hands gripping his cane in front of him eventually twisted around its shaft anxiously, and Horatio expected him to be preparing to leave. The Rys'tihn remained in place, though, his voice weak but still clear as he spoke.
"I'm glad that Phantom led you here."
Once more, Horatio was certain he hadn't heard him correctly. He struggled to formulate a response, much less put any strength into his words.
"...I didn't have anywhere else to go."
"Well...your family is all here now." Koril paused, waiting to meet Horatio's gaze before he continued. "They brought Wil home once they got him stabilized, and Liaa and Jewel have been staying here, too. Jewel is...incredibly sweet. She's fitting in just fine here. She and Cordira's youngest are the same age, and they are getting along quite well, but...Jewel's still asked about you every day."
Moved with emotion, Horatio cast his gaze to the floor between his feet, holding his breath in a desperate bid to control his trembling. He failed, though, taking in and letting go of a shaky gasp before he could compose himself.
"I have made...so many mistakes," he confessed weakly, on the verge of breaking once more, "...I don't know how I can face her again. Or Wil... I can't ask for his forgiveness a second time."
The assurance in Koril's voice was both comforting and challenging. "Yes, you can. He already gave it once, and he'll give it again. They both will."
"...you don't know that."
Immediately, Horatio regretted his words, closing his eyes to avoid Koril's reaction. He had just deeply insulted one of the many Rys'tihns who had helped raise Wil in his parents' absence. Somehow Koril's tone remained so graciously calm in response to Horatio's slight.
"You forget...Wil grew up alongside my children after he came to us at two. I treated him as one of my own. It didn't take us long to learn just how incredibly compassionate Wil had the capacity to be..." Koril let go of a long, slow breath. "...just like his mother."
Without intending to, Horatio's gaze lifted back up to Deilia's faint, beautiful holo before him. As he met her eyes, he found himself unable to control the tears that were returning to his.
"All those months I spent here in the Retreat, getting to know Wil after we'd first met...I couldn't bring myself to find this alcove. Wil had told me about it, but...I knew I didn't deserve to see her again." His voice broke as he choked. "She had saved my life, she had cared for me, for my wound, for so many weeks...and in return, I left her. It was the worst mistake of my life, the worst of many, and I have regretted it every day since... She deserved so much better.
"I know you won't believe me," he finished at a whisper, tears freely falling, "...but I didn't know she was pregnant when I left. And I...I did love her. It's why I couldn't stay."
The hall's silence was broken only by Horatio's weak gasping as he fought the release of his intense sorrow and heartbreak. Though it stretched on for several painful minutes, he felt Koril's hand on his shoulder once more, briefly startling him. The sympathy and understanding he met in Koril's gaze was a surprise, as well.
"You're wrong, Horatio," he breathed, his grip tightening the slightest bit. "I do believe you. I know you loved her. You wouldn't have let Wil in the way you did if you hadn't."
The Rys'tihn sitting beside him had known nothing but loss his entire life: his older brother had died just before he and Deilia had been born, his parents had perished in separate disasters on their homeworld in his young adulthood, his twin sister some years after that, and finally his oldest son nearly a decade ago. How much ongoing, internal torture he had to have endured, how profoundly crippling his pain must have been...yet he was the one offering Horatio the consolation and comfort he needed instead.
More vulnerable than he had ever allowed someone else to see him, Horatio felt the weight of exhaustion threatening to reduce him to the floor once more, and he couldn't be more lost.
"...I don't know what to do."
It was an admission he never could have imagined himself making aloud. But if anyone knew the desolation, the total shutdown he faced after losing so much and failing so completely, it was Koril.
Still gripping Horatio's shoulder, Koril breathed slowly, considering his thoughts a careful moment before answering.
"You've been given another chance. To make it better. To make it right. Not everyone gets that chance." His voice weakened as he met Horatio's gaze more squarely. "I will never be able to ask my son for his forgiveness for what I did to him. I'm partially responsible for his death, and...I have to live with that for the rest of my life. But you...you've been given a gift. A daughter who loves you. A son who survived, who worries about you constantly. As someone who has lost a great deal, I'm telling you...don't squander this. Keep moving forward, leaving your self-doubt behind. You'll never be perfect, none of us are, but you have to keep trying. Your children need you."
Hearing Deilia's delicate voice in Koril's final statement, Horatio hunched over and let his head fall forward as he breathed, still gripping the edge of the bench to keep himself upright. Koril's hand left his shoulder, but the Rys'tihn remained patiently at his side, waiting out his regained composure. Horatio was far from whole, that much was certain, but Koril had brought him a few important steps closer, helpful in the way a brother would be. Though Horatio and Deilia hadn't actually married, Koril was a brother-in-law of sorts to him through Wil, connecting him to more family than he'd ever had before. He couldn't have asked for a better environment for his son to grow up in, surrounded by his Rys'tihn cousins, his Natiyr friends...
Seeing Mand's now incomplete family in his mind stole his breath. Like Koril's, theirs was a loss Horatio could hardly comprehend, and though he couldn't bear to dwell on it, he had to know...
"...are the Natiyrs okay?"
Koril's silence beside him was deafening.
"They want to speak with you downstairs."
Expecting as much, Horatio managed to nod in a mild state of panic. He had frantically left the remote facility just after bringing Mand's body back to her husband, awaiting a violent, emotional release but only receiving a merciful healing offer instead. The Natiyrs would have been informed of his return to Paneau, just as Koril had been, so what did Mand's family have in store for him now?
His expression must not have hidden much of his inner turmoil from Koril.
"I can come with you..."
But Horatio shook his head. "No, it's alright. You've done plenty for me already." He released a shaky breath, looking up at Deilia's holo one last time. He closed his eyes briefly, searching for the last remnants of his strength to keep his tone sincere as he returned to his...friend. "...thank you, Koril. For everything."
Koril nodded faintly, sending Horatio on his way once he was certain his legs would cooperate and coordinate properly. Though silent for the entirety of their exchange, Phantom bounded along behind him, her fluffy tail happily swishing back and forth as she contentedly purred and sent its echo down the hall ahead of them. He still felt somewhat lightheaded thanks to the emotional exertion he'd just been through, but he continued on, glancing back only briefly to watch Koril's posture sag as he held tightly to his cane in front of him.
