Chapter 2
While it had never left Dean's mind that the Sam he had been working with, sleeping with, wasn't the same brother he had known all his life, it was never so apparent as when he got Sammy back. The whole ordeal had all been a bit anticlimactic, while Dean had hoped Death would play ball, it was one thing to wish for something and another to watch it come true. The second Death finished his work though; Dean could see the difference. Even before Sam opened his eyes, he was different. At that moment it was also over between them.
Death had promised to place a wall between Sammy and what Sam had done without a soul; it was a blessing, one which would keep his baby brother whole, so the hunter didn't have to remember his time as a plaything for the very Devil. Dean was happy Sammy was back, he was, but a part of Dean missed being with Sam in a way he shouldn't. With his soul back, there was no way Sam would want Dean the way he had before, and while he thought his brother might have gone along with it -if it was something Dean wanted- Sam was under too much pressure as it was.
It didn't stop Dean from imagining it, remembering it. During their time together, Dean had done everything he wanted to Sam; it seemed without a soul, Sam had been game for pretty much everything. There were times Dean wondered if the man even realized he should have shied away from some of their rougher play, but instead Sam had moaned and begged for everything Dean could give him and more.
Having a lover like that had been amazing, something Dean had wanted long before he realized Sam could give it to him. Now that he knew what he was missing, Dean couldn't even pretend to have an interest in anyone else who came by. Sam typically would have commented, but soon it was easy to tell that his baby brother was having his issues trying to stop from scratching at the wall Death had built in his mind. In some twisted way, Dean wished Sam would remember, that Dean would wake up to find those hazel eyed looking at him in bed, staring at him like he wanted to see if the memories were real.
If Sam were the one to ask; if his Sammy made even the slightest move, Dean would go for it. It wasn't something he was proud of, but Dean was willing to put it all on the line for another taste of Sam's lips. Though the flesh would taste the same, Dean wondered what Sammy was like in bed as opposed to the soulless version of himself. Soulless Sam hadn't had any restrictions on what he was willing to do for the rush of a good orgasm, any kink Dean could think of, Sam was ready to play along. But would Sammy?
Licking his lips, Dean turned away from Sam from where he was laying on his motel bed only a few feet away from temptation. Would Sam let him do the things the soulless version of himself had? Would he let Dean pin him down? Tie him up? Would Sammy let him shove his tongue in his hole and spank his ass red? While he didn't seem to crave the pain, Soulless Sam had been willing and did enjoy it… would Sammy?
Reaching down under the rough blankets, Dean slipped a hand inside his sleeping pants. He didn't have the time to tease himself as Sam was still waking up at the slightest sounds these days. Wrapping a hand around his half-hard cock, Dean bit the inside of his lip. Closing his eyes, he brought up the memories of how Sam would beg and demand more, how he would take everything Dean could give him and still be looking for another fix. A flash of Sam laying on a motel bed like the one they were in, face and hair covered in cum while Sam's reddened cock strained for relief made Dean quicken his strokes.
Fighting the urge to moan, Dean sped up his hand which was furiously pumping his cock, hopeful he wasn't too loud. Would Sammy let him do that? Paint his face white with his cum? Stuffing his other hand in his mouth, Dean thrust his hips a handful of times before he was coming. Biting back the call of his brother's name, Dean kept pumping until the inside of his boxers were soaked.
Rolling onto his back, Dean waited a few moments, not opening his eyes but listening for Sam's even breathing. When he heard it, Dean let go a breath he had been holding. While he liked the fantasy of Sam asking for him again; the reality was, it wasn't going to happen. Sam would be disgusted by Dean masturbating instead of turned on. Carefully, Dean made his way to his bag and grabbed a new pair of boxers, throwing his ruined ones in the dirty laundry pile after giving them a quick scrub.
Crawling back into bed, Dean turned toward Sam, watching as his chest rose and fell in time with his even breathing. It was somewhat comforting, watching Sam sleep after him not being able to for so long. This was his Sammy now, the one who felt too much and loved too easily. While he had enjoyed his time with soulless Sam, it was this version of him that Dean needed. He needed Sam to be whole, even if he was messed up in the head from what Lucifer had done to him. It was better than not genuinely knowing if Sam was going to stab him while he slept because he wanted to see if their blood was the same color or some shit.
Dean hadn't mentioned it, hadn't given himself time to think about it while Sam's soul was missing, but that version of Sam was more terrifying than any monster they had faced. For some reason Sam still felt like he needed Dean, like things were better with Dean around, but he had no delusions in thinking it was love the soulless form was feeling. If whatever drive it was that brought Sam to his home when he was staying with Lisa died, Dean didn't think he would be long before Sam either set him up to die on a hunt or killed him, himself.
There had been more than one morning where Dean had woken up to Sam watching him, a confused and nearly curious look on his face. Sam had been quick to cover it up, to distract Dean- but Dean was no fool. Even if Death hadn't been able to bring back Sam's soul his time was limited, eventually Sam would have killed Dean or let something else do the job. This Sam though, this was someone Dean could trust with his life, he always could and while he would miss being able to touch Sam the way he wanted he would take this Sam over anyone else any day. Besides he still had his memories.
Sam shifted in his sleep, a frown on his face while he fought off whatever nightmare started to form. Dean wanted to go over and comfort his brother, and in another time, he might have crawled in bed beside him and helped Sam sleep. Now things were different, though that didn't stop Dean from humming softly, his voice enough to ease Sam. He would have to keep an eye on Sam, to make sure he didn't scratch at the wall Death had made, if for nothing else so Sam didn't remember what happened between them.
Dean never expected Cas to be the one to break them. It was horrifying, watching as Castiel ripped apart what remained of the wall Sam had been so frantically trying to protect. The rush of memories had been too much, and while Dean wanted to help Sam, they had bigger things to finish. Watching as Sam tried to pull himself together wrecked something in Dean, ruined him in a way he didn't know could be done. And it was Cas, the same Cas who had sworn to fight with them, who had battled against the Devil with them, that did it.
It caused Dean to have a sick feeling in his stomach; he was just barely able to stop from throwing up for a split-second. Dean was relieved when Sam's horror of the cage overrode his time with Dean. Having Sam be placed inside of that hospital once Castiel died, Dean was once again on the road while having to abandon the one person he loved the most. It killed him, and every day he wondered when it would get him slaughtered, right up until he met Emmanuel.
It didn't seem right at the time, of having Castiel be able to create a new identity, a new life for himself as Emmanuel. Every day, Dean had to live through what Cas had done, had to deal with how his brother was nothing but a broken mess and here was the cause of it all; a new name, a new life, and no memories to keep him up at night.
Convincing Emmanuel to come with him hadn't been a problem, but keeping his mouth shut about what the truth was. Dean wanted nothing more than to rip into Cas, to tell him exactly what he thought, and good intentions or not, to explain how fucked up Cas had made Sammy. Still, though as much as he hated it, Dean kept his mouth shut, willing to bury it down so long as Emmanuel could heal Sam.
When Castiel got his memories back, including the guilt of what he had done, Dean had to act fast. He hadn't been planning on asking it of Emmanuel, but Castiel would understand. Cas knew them, knew how close they were and what it would mean for the brothers. Pulling Cas away from Meg who had managed to weasel her way into his life, Dean made the angel look at him, setting his jaw before speaking. "I don't care how you fix him, but you can't give him back all his memories." Castiel looked at Dean with a title to his head, confused. "I can't have him remembering his life while he was soulless," continued Dean.
Castiel finally seemed to understand there was more than Dean was saying. "I can choose to void that part out of his mind, Dean, but I will take it on myself. Whatever you're trying to hide from Sam, I will know."
Dean sighed, running a hand through his hair before he looked into Castiel's blue eyes. "We were together, Sam… when he didn't have a soul, we were together. And it was fine while his soul wasn't in his body but knowing that would ruin him Cas; it would ruin us, so he can't know."
Castiel frowned, nodding his head once he thought it over. "I understand. While I don't believe Sam would react the way you fear, I will keep this from him, Dean. I swear." It wasn't as reassuring as Dean thought to have Castiel swear something to him, not after all the crap they had been through lately. Still, it was the only chance he had. Nodding his head, Dean accepted Cas at his word, putting his trust in the angel.
While he hadn't been expecting much from Castiel, knowing that Death himself had barely been able to put up a wall between Sam and his memories, Dean was surprised as Cas took the pain into himself. It was something else, watching as Castiel went from being fine to being practically brain-dead; the horror of what Sam had been through causing his mind to break. It only verified how strong Sam was, to be able to take that kind of pain and survive. Sure, Sam saw Lucifer as a hallucination, but considering the state they left Castiel in- that was nothing.
With Sam back with him, Dean had the same problem from before, only this time Sam had his mind back again. It was harder each day to hide the glances and to stop the fantasies from breaking through, from letting Sam see what he wanted. If it weren't for their mission of trying to shut Dick down it would have been easy for Sam to tell something was wrong between them. Dean couldn't pinpoint what it was anymore, but while he tried to push his desires aside, he knew it was reflected in their daily lives.
Charlie had been a surprise. As had Bobby, who seemed to accept them as more than just brothers. Bobby hadn't said anything, having issues communicating with them, Charlie had seen no reason to hide what she knew. Though the woman never wanted to see them again, having needed to fight for her life the second she met them. Once Sam was busy, she had pulled Dean aside, crossing her arms over her chest in much the same way Sam used to when he was younger and about to lay down his opinion.
"You need to tell him," Charlie said, raising an eyebrow when Dean went to protest. Holding her hand in the air to stop the denial he was about to spout, she shook her head. "I get it, and I understand why you think shutting it out is going to help, and I know I've only known you for like two days, but you need to tell him. If I can tell, other people can tell. And while it may not have come out yet, you better believe it will. Brother or not, you love him, Dean, and it's not the same way as normal siblings."
Patting his shoulder, Charlie gave Dean a small smile. "And I think he might surprise you, I mean you guys do this all the time right? Fight monsters and save the day? You don't do that for years with someone and not feel something, think about."
Dean did think about it, for weeks he turned her advice over in his head, but it never seemed to be the right time. One thing ran right into another, and before Dean knew it, he was fighting off Dick and waking up in Purgatory, alone.
Having Castiel abandon him when there were monsters around hadn't made sense at first, not until he met Benny. Benny was something different; something Dean hadn't even known he was missing. The vampire was fierce, he would have to be to survive in Monster-Hell, but he wasn't without his mind. Fighting alongside Benny had been freeing, liberating in a way Dean hadn't been expecting.
The second he was out of Purgatory, Dean had searched for Sam. Finding his brother had been easy, and with the thrill, the freedom of the world he had been in still in his veins, he was going to make a move. Dean had survived Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory he could finally risk Sam knowing how he felt. But Sam hadn't even looked for him. For the first time in his life, Dean realized Sam chose the path away from him. Even when the younger man went to Stanford, it had been to get away from Dad, not him, and to have a healthy life, but to not look for him?
There was no coming back from that, no way to soothe that wound, and it festered inside Dean with every passing day. Every year got harder to carry, their tasks seemingly never-ending, but it was the knowledge that Sam didn't, that Sam couldn't feel the same which left a gaping hole in his soul. Dean had never once given up on Sam, never once had he abandoned his brother to be on his own, not really. Sure, there had been times when they needed to split up for a week or two, but Dean always came back, and he always watched over the younger man.
Even when he had been with Lisa, Dean had tried everything in his power to get his brother back, a brother who hadn't bothered with him while Sam was topside for a year. It seemed to be a recurring theme, so when the shit hit the fan, and they needed a way to harness the power of the First Blade, Dean hadn't hesitated. Cain could go on about the dangers, could explain what it would do to him, but he had a pretty good idea of what he was giving up.
Without Sam in his corner, there was nothing else for Dean to do. Sam could live without Dean if it came down to it, could continue his life and make his dream come true; for the white picket fence and two-point-five kids. But there was no part of Dean that could live without Sam. A sacrifice was needed, and Dean was damn-well going to be the one to do it. Taking on the mark had been just as liberating as being in Purgatory, while it may have started to darken his soul, Dean could feel the relief in having nothing holding him back. No one could stop him once he finally let go, when he woke with his eyes blackened looking at the King of Hell, who would call Dean his Knight, he finally felt free.
Dean had always known that he was eventually bound for Hell, he just never thought it would be his choice.
