Falling In Love In Mattapan

Or

How Warspite Made The Commander Love Her

By RandyRob

─•~:~•─

The Grand Old Lady. The Determinator. She who despises the hard knocks of war.

Warspite had been called many things in her long career. But one thing no one in the entire Royal Navy had dared to call her was nervous.

But at this point, sitting in the harbors of Alexandria, Warspite was a nervous wreck.

"Whatever is the bother with you, Warspite?" asked Valiant, her schoolmate and fellow battleship.

"N-nothing at all! Just leave me alone!" Warspite shouted back, turning away to hide her blushing face.

The two battleships were joined by the carrier Formidable, on her first mission, and casually chewing on a piece of cake.

"Goodness, what's got the pair of you in such a fuss?"

Valiant pointed towards her fellow battleship, "This stubborn old bag has some sort of embarrassing secret she refuses to speak of, and it's driving me mad! Do something about it, you oversized floating island!"

"I beg your pardon?!" Formidable shot back, dropping her cake into the sea.

"Oh, come now, don't start having a tear! That is what you are, more or less, an island for which planes travel upon. And you certainly have other large assets about you, don't you?" Valiant said, pointing her sword at Formidable's flight deck armour.

The carrier crossed her arms – barely – across her chest, "You just wait until my sister hears about this! I've never heard of such a rude battleship in all my life!"

"Toss off, Formi!" Valiant replied as she poked Formidable with her sheath, "Now get over there and figure out why Warspite is in such a tussle!"

The Carrier shot her nose to the air but did as her senior officer commanded. Sailing gently over, she put her hand on Warspite's shoulder and asked, "Lady Warspite, you do seem in a spot of bother today. What's gotten into you?"

"Did you not see what they loaded in the harbour this morning?! My God, this is all a disaster!" Warspite shouted, playing with her twin tails in nervousness.

"Can't say as I did. Was it more cake?!" Formidable said, almost salivating at the thought.

"Golf clubs!" Warspite shouted, "Bloody golf clubs! And It's not just any set of old clubs! It's the Commanders set!"

"What?! How can you be certain?" Formidable asked.

Warspite wandered back into the harbour, rummaged through the containers, and produced a driver, holding it high as she would a sword.

"This is how! I'd never forget this! He taught me the game with this very driver. My god, whatever shall we do Formidable?!"

Suddenly, Formidable started shedding tears as she held her hips, "The Commander is coming here?! Oh Jesus, I'm positively whaled. And I didn't save nearly enough cake. Oh, this is truly the worst! An absolute disaster!"

Disturbed by the noise, Valiant at last sailed over, "Would you lot just put a sock in it already? We've a briefing in less than an hour!"

"But Valiant! Commander is coming to visit!" both Warspite and Formidable said at the same time.

"The Commander!" Valiant said, turning away as she blushed.

Well, this simply won't do! I can't let him see me surrounded by crybabies like this! However then shall I convince him to wed me?! Valiant thought to herself.

She came up with a new plan. Valiant loaded her forward magazines and fired a shot into the bay, landing in between Formidable and Warspite.

"Right then! 'Nuff crying you two! What's the Commander to think, seeing a battleship and a carrier of Her Majesty's Navy crying like a pair of spilt maids! Look lively and let's get the cruisers briefed for tonight!" Valiant ordered.

Both Formidable and Warspite grumbled, but both knew that Valiant was right. After a brief spot of tea, Force H assembled in the docks, and Warspite began her briefing, trying desperately to maintain her calm.

"Right. Welcome, Ladies, to Alexandria. We have a very important mission to accomplish this evening, one that could affect the outcome of the entire Mediterranean war."

She drew her long sword and pointed at the map, "We've learned from intelligence decrypts the Sargdenian fleet means to intercept out convoys here, about two hundred miles west of Cape Mattapan. If the convoys get stopped, our girls on Crete will be cut off."

"Obviously, we can't let that happen," Warspite continued, irritated that Valiant was rolling her eyes, "However, if the decrypts are correct, we'll have some rather bothersome opponents to face off with."

Warspite flipped the map and showed off pictures of the enemies, with the first being a regal, elegant battleship of white hair, a red cape, and significantly larger armour plating than any of Her Majesty's battleships.

"Vittorio herself is at sea, though her troublesome sister Littorio remains in Trento, thanks to the work of Formidable's sister."

"Don't mention her!" Formidable shouted, "She keeps sending us love letters asking us to join her in the land of milk and honey! Its downright awful!"

"Oi!" Valiant shouted, slapping Formidable's chest, "Pay attention to the briefing!"

Once Warspite was sure everyone was listening, she pressed on, "It would appear that the Sardegnians have come for a fight this time, Ladies. Vittorio appears to have the entire heavy cruiser division with her, including Zara, Pola, and Fiume. We've received word that Trieste, Trento and Bolzano will be joining from the west as well. Our work is cut out for us."

One of the little destroyers, Janus, raised her scepter up to ask a question, "E-excuse me, M-miss Warspite? Isn't that dangerous… we…we've no heavy cruisers of our own, and my a-armour won't stand up to a heavy cruiser, will it?"

Warspite smiled, "Not to worry, little Janus. Myself, Valiant and Barham will be covering you, along with the rest of the 14th Flotilla. Ajax and Gloucester will be joining us off the cape, provided Ajax doesn't get lost again of course. And, finally, we have one key advantage that we must put to the most effective use."

"W-what advantage?" Janus asked, nervously holding her scepter.

"Radar, of course. We know, for a fact, the Sardegnia Empire can't afford it, nor do they have any experience with it. We'll be able to track them down long before they ever know were there," Warspite replied with another re-assuring smile.

Warspite returned to the map to finish her plans, "We'll set sail just before midnight. Formidable will lead the attack with her Albacores. With any luck, she'll put the blighters out of action without us having to fire a shot. If not, we'll simply have to demonstrate why this lake belongs to her Majesty."

Warspite raised her sword high and smiled yet again, "Get some dinner and some rest, we'll be off to fight soon!"

The squadron cleared out of the harbour, making their way to the canteen for dinner and treats. Only Formidable remained behind, pouting and sighing.

"Is something the matter, Formidable?" Warspite asked.

"Why do I have to be the one to lead us out?! This is my first mission! Can't I just stay in the rear and listen to my rock albums? This seems like far too much work!"

"Ahh. Illustrious warned me about this," Warspite said, gently putting her on Formidable's shoulder, "Formidable, you are perhaps the most important aspect of our operation. Without your planes, we won't be able to locate the enemy in the night until it's too late. I know you'll make your sisters and Her Majesty proud. Can I count on you?"

Formidable again shot her nose to the air, "Hmph! Oh, alright then! But I insist on fresh cakes when we return. And the first dance with Commander! I won't accept anything else!"

"Well, we'll have all the cakes the maids can muster, but I can't promise the first dance with Commander. Is that fair?"

"Fine. As long as there's cakes!"

Formidable got and walked away. Warspite looked up at the setting sun, falling just behind the waves.

I've got time for practice, she thought to herself.

─•~:~•─

Whack

"Dammit."

Whack

"Oh for Christ's good sake."

Whack

"Bollocks!"

Valiant peaked her head around the corner of the bay, and witnessed her fellow battleship trying to whack a series of golf balls towards a target nearly twenty-four thousand yards away.

Whack

"Oh come on! Bloody useless pile of—"

"Warspite! Just what on Earth are you on about!" Valiant shouted as she sailed over.

Warspite tried to hide the driver as she blushed, "V-valiant?! What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?! What the bloody hell are you doing here, making all this racket?!"

"Absolutely nothing at all! Mind your own business!"

With a mischievous smile, Valiant tried steal the driver from behind Warspite, "Let me see that now!"

"N-no, don't worry about it, its nothing!" Warspite protested as she tried to hide the driver.

But Valiant won the struggle and held the driver aloft, "And just what were you planning to do with this? Whack the enemy about the head?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. Just leave it alone, Valiant," Warspite cried.

"Oh no you don't," Valiant teased, waving the driver at Warspite, "You wouldn't be out here swinging so hard if you weren't practicing something!"

"Just leave it be, Valiant. Stop being so awful to everyone!" Warspite said, half in tears.

Valiant realized suddenly that she had been truly awful to Warspite. And in rare moment, she turned and offered a heartfelt apology.

"Look, Spite… I'm sorry. I can obviously tell this is important to you. So, what is it you're actually trying to do out here?"

Warspite reached into the bag and produced a three wood, "I'll have you know that the Master's is taking place next weekend. The Commander has entered the tournament, but he requires a partner. There's a competition amongst the knights to stand beside the Commander. I'll be facing off with George, Yorkie, Renown… even bloody Nelson has entered! I have to be perfect!"

Valiant smirked, "Well, you'll not be beating that class moping about like a scolded maid. Come, Spite, lets teach you how to golf!"

And until the sun came down, the two battleships shot golf balls by the bucket, until Warspite felt her confidence come back.

─•~:~•─

Formidable led the squadron out of the harbour under the full moon. She had been warned by her sisters Victorious and Illustrious to be on her guard and mindful of her surroundings.

But with the Fulmars in the air and doing recon, she felt as though all the angles were covered, and gently hummed along the way.

"Hmm, hmm, hmm, mhmm, hmm," she hummed, imagining the new cakes that Commander would bring with him.

Formidable's humming was broken up however, as the Fulmars buzzed and a shot from a four-inch gun sailed across her bow.

"What the devil?!" Formidable shouted as she turned to face her adversary.

A little Sardegnian destroyer approached, wearing a grey coat and a large gunner's hat, and aimed her rifle at the much larger carrier.

"Halt! I am the Soldati-class destroyer Carabiniere! You have trespassed in Sardegna waters! Surrender or prepare to be sunk!"

Formidable smiled at her bravery, "Goodness! You're a bold one, aren't you? My sister warned me about destroyers. Good day to you, I am Formidable of Her Majesty's Royal Navy. I am afraid I cannot surrender, however. I have a very important mission to accomplish."

Carabiniere fired another shot across Formidable's bow, "You will advance no further! I am charged to protect these waters! I do not wish to fight you, Signoria, but you will not be allowed to continue."

"Oh bother. A fight, is it? Oh, very well, if you truly insist," Formidable said with a sigh.

"Ha! A fight?! I am a destroyer, Signoria. Why I could run circles around lumbering dinosaurs like you!" Carabiniere said with a laugh.

Suddenly, Formidable began sobbing uncontrollably.

Utterly confused, Carabiniere asked, "What?! What on Earth is your problem?"

"L-lumbering?" Formidable stammered.

"Si, Signoria, you are but a lumbering dinosaur compared to me!" Carabiniere teased.

"Y-you… you take that back!" Formidable pleaded through tears.

Still confused, Carabiniere lowered her rifle, "Just what is your problem? This is no way for a warship to behave."

"I'm… not… fat!" Formidable shouted.

"Oh. Oh dear," Carabiniere said in a much softer voice, "Why, Miss, I had no idea you were sensitive about your weight. I… I must apologize, I meant nothing personal by it."

" . .LUMBERING?" Formidable shouted again, the tears all but swelling in her eyes.

"N-no, I meant," Carabiniere tried to respond.

"DON'T MOVE AN INCH!"

Suddenly, Carabinere's boilers refused to light, and she was unable to move, or dodge the flight of Fulmars just seconds away from dropping torpedoes on her.

In panic, the little destroyer desperately gunned her engines. The boilers lit and she threw the helm over fully, just dodging the first of a dozen torpedoes that nearly hit her port side.

"Hold still, you little cretin! I'll blast you yet!" Formidable shouted at her, stamping her feet in the sea.

More and more planes chased after Carabiniere, the little destroyer just barely managing to dodge the torpedoes and rockets fired at her.

Realising she had little option, Carabiniere laid smoke and retreated back west, hoping to warn Vittorio in time.

"Hmph, serves you right!" Formidable said, cleaning her hands in triumph.

─•~:~•─

Formidable rejoined the squadron and waved at the battleships, "Well, I think that's sorted."

But suddenly, she started sobbing uncontrollably. Warspite sailed next to her and asked, "What's wrong Formidable?"

"Oh that little destroyer said the most awful things about me! I hate it so much! Why does war have to be so awful?!"

"Goodness, what did she say to you?" Warspite asked.

Sobbing, Formidable replied, "She called me lumbering! How could anyone say something so awful!"

"Well, you are rather on the bigger side," Valiant commented.

"Valiant!" Warspite shouted, "That's not nice, apologize to her!"

"Oh fine. Formi, you are lovely and elegant. Now, were you able to find the enemy?" Valiant said half-heartedly.

"I was," Formidable said as she dried her tears, "They seem to be anchored to the west, waiting for us to blunder into their fire."

"Really?" Warspite asked, "That seems rather out of sorts. They've typically fired first in all our previous engagements…"

"Who bloody cares?! But the destroyers are mine!" Formidable shouted emphatically.

Warspite smiled at her, "Very well. Here's the plan…"

─•~:~•─

"You don't think the cape was too much?" Vittorio asked as she looked side to side.

Beside the Sardegnian capital ship, Pola looked over her leader and replied, "No, it should be fine, but I think it would look better on Zara."

"Oh… I see. Maybe I should ask her then…" Vittorio said absently.

Before they could contemplate ideals of fashion any further, Carabiniere steamed rapidly beside the larger ships and waved frantically, "Signorias! We've got a problem!"

"Oh, Carabiniere. Do you think the cape is too much?" Vittorio asked, ignoring her pleas.

"Commandante, is this really time?! There's an enemy force on the way!" Carabiniere protested.

"How many?" asked Pola.

"I was engaged before I could make a full count, Signoria, but I saw at least three battleships, twelve destroyers, three cruisers, and" she trailed off.

"And what else?" Vittorio asked.

"A carrier, Commandante. The largest carrier ever to sail in the Mediterranean. But I beg you, do not call her large, she nearly killed me for it!"

Vittorio raised her hands to her mouth in shock, "Oh goodness! A carrier?! How did that happen, we had no indication they had a carrier out here!"

"Does it matter at this point, Commandante? We should take the initiative and attack, now, before Zara gets mad at me!" Pola shouted.

Vittorio sighed, "Oh alright. Give me a second, I think I see them."

─•~:~•─

"Bloody hell, incoming!" Valiant shouted.

Fifteen-inch shells crashed all around the battleships. Warspite and Valiant scrambled to aim their guns and return fire, while the cruisers and destroyers scrambled away.

More shells from the west crashed in between the squadron. Janus threw her little arms up in terror, "Oh my god! Help me!"

Warspite threw her helm hard over and raced to Janus. Creating massive waves behind her as she sailed, she reached over and pulled the little destroyer away just in time, as more and more shells crashed all around them.

"L-lady Warspite," Janus said looking into her eyes, "You saved me…"

"Of course," Warspite smiled as she patted her head, "Now look lively, we've a battle to win!"

Janus nodded and sped off, leading her fellow destroyers into the charge, and laying smoke as cover for the rest of the squadron.

Warspite raised her range finder and asked, "Valiant, do you have a target?"

"They're bloody far away, Spite, this'll be a tough shot!"

"Ha, tough?! Nothing to do with it! I am the one who despises the hard knocks of war. Let's show these bloody spaghetti eaters how its done! Open fire!"

The guns of the battleships rang out in massive roars of thunder and smoke, sending a salvo of twelve shells back towards the enemy. But the target was so small and so far away that neither Warspite or Valiant managed to hit anything.

"Bollocks," Warspite cursed under her breath, "Formi? We can't see what we're shooting at! Can you lend us a hand?"

"Hmm?" Formidable asked, peaking up from her headphones.

"Bloody do something, you oversized loft!" Valiant shouted.

Formidable started sobbing again, but she obeyed orders, and sent her Fulmars up yet again with a full torpedo load.

─•~:~•─

Vittorio fired another salvo from her guns, but turned to Pola and sighed, "I just can't see through all this smoke. Am I even hitting them?"

"How would I know? I can't even see that far myself," Pola replied in frustration.

But before either of them could answer the question, a flight of fifteen Fairey Fulmars dived in from starboard and dropped a line of torpedoes in the sea towards Vittorio.

"Commandante! Look out!" Pola shouted.

The heavy cruiser raced in at full speed and managed to push Vittorio out of the way just in time. But not quickly enough to stop a torpedo from hitting her aft side.

"Ahhh!" Pola shouted.

She collapsed over and almost fell into the water. Vittorio dragged her along and held her head delicately.

"Pola! Are you alright?! Answer me!"

"Ouch. This really hurts, Commandante," Pola said through gasping pain.

"Carabiniere!" Vittorio ordered, "Lay smoke and cover our retreat! We're no good like this!"

"But Commandante- "Carabiniere started to protest.

Vittorio, angrily, cut her off, "That's an order! The Royal Navy can't track us at night! Lead Pola and the cruisers into harbour. I'll head north and draw off these planes. Go!"

The little destroyer nodded and hoisted Pola onto her shoulders, laying a thick cloud of smoke to cover the retreat. Vittorio let all of her guns go to work, firing wildly in the air and into the sea.

With any luck, night would provide a reprieve for the Regia Marina.

─•~:~•─

"Steady lasses, we're almost there," Warspite whispered to her squadron.

Silently, Warspite, Valiant, the destroyers, and two cruisers sailed neatly in-between the sleeping Regia Marina ships, with the enemy being blissfully unaware.

Warspite drew her sword and pointed out positions, "Janus, take your destroyers to the north and cut off the pass. Ajax, over there on the port side. Valiant, with me."

"Understood, Lady Warspite," Little Janus nodded as she sailed to her position.

Once everyone had taken up their proper positions, Warspite loaded her guns and looked at Valiant, "Ready?"

"Just give the word already! I'm bloody tired!" Valiant harshly whispered back.

Warspite closed her eyes, imagining the battle to come. The sounds of crashing waves, screeching cannons and thunderous explosions. The smell of cordite filled her nostrils, and she felt her rigging shake with every shot.

Warspite opened her eyes and thrust her sword to the sky, "Open fire!"

From three thousand yards – point blank range for battleships – Warspite and Valiant let their fifteen-inch guns roar out, striking Pola directly in her mid-deck citadel.

Pola's aft magazines exploded in a massive fireball, lighting the dark seas around the RN and RM like the rising sun. Warspite and Valiant used their spotlights and kept firing, blasting more and more targets with every shot.

"Keep up the pressure, we've almost got them!"

Warspite shouted and fired, moving as fast as she could through the dark waters. Thanks to the spotlights and the star shells, she could see as clearly as if it was daytime, and her gunfire was deadly accurate.

Valiant fired another salvo, blowing apart two destroyers. Little Janus led her fellow destroyers in from the right and launched a cavalcade of torpedoes, devastating their opposite numbers and throwing more chaos into the harbour.

Finally, after long moments of shooting, Warspite raised her sword once more, "Cease fire! That'll do ladies."

A heavy cruiser sunk, sixteen destroyers damaged, and the only operational battleship of the Regia Marina sent scurrying away. In one night, the Royal Navy had effectively won the Battle of the Mediterranean.

"Well that was a proper turkey shoot, innit? Bloody nice plan Spite," Valiant said as she clapped her fellow battleship's shoulder.

"We all made this possible, Valiant. Everyone deserves a share of the credit," Warspite replied with a smile.

"Even if Formi, the great bloody loft, turned about for refueling?"

"Even Formi."

Warspite sheathed her sword and issued new orders, "Right, lets gather up and head back to Alexandria, we'll all be in need of fuelling and repair short enough."

Janus sailed up beside Warspite and asked, "L-lady Warspite? I hear that the Commander will be coming to visit Alexandria soon? Is that true?"

Warspite gently patted her head, "Yes, so the rumors say."

"W-would you give him this for me, please?" Janus said as she reached into her pack.

Warspite looked at the object closely. It was a perfectly sealed letter in a brown envelope, closed with a hand pressed wax seal.

"And what's this then?" Warspite asked.

Janus suddenly blushed and turned away from the battleship, "N-nothing, just make sure he reads it, please?"

"Alright Janus, I'll make sure he gets this, personally," Warspite promised.

Smiling, Janus sailed away and joined her fellow destroyers. Valiant in turn sailed next to Warspite and whispered, "That better not be a bloody love letter. I'll throttle her!"

─•~:~•─

The day had come at last. Warspite straightened her cap, took the bag of clubs from Valiant, and joined the rest of the ladies at the tee.

Hood, as flagship of Home Fleet, had the honours to tee off first. She placed the ball with such perfect elegance, wearing a crisp, blue skirt and a perfectly white sun visor.

Handed a three wood by Belfast, Hood lined up her shot and struck the ball with a solid thunk, sending a straight shot three hundred and twenty yards.

The assembled group of spectators clapped in polite applause. Belfast retrieved the three wood and replied, "A magnificent shot, Lady Hood. Well done."

Smiling back, Hood tipped the brim of her visor to Warspite in a sign of friendly competition, which she took as a challenge, nonetheless.

Looking down the fairway, Warspite asked Valiant, "What do you think? Try to match her with a three wood?"

"Are you daft, Spite? You won't match Hood with a bloody three wood. Take the driver and knock into the hole, or I'll tease you and marry the Commander myself!" Valiant said as she tossed the driver over.

"You'll what?!"

"Erm… I mean…"

"Well that bloody does it!" Warspite shouted.

She marched past the group, slammed the tee into the box, and lined up her shot.

It took a few moments to look down the fairway to determine the best angle. Once set, Warspite stood still and closed her eyes, imagining the shot and the wedding to follow.

She then swung with all her might, and connected to the ball furiously. It sailed with a perfect arc, and landed four hundred yards away, straight into the white hole.

"A hole in one! Outstanding shooting, Warspite!" Hood replied in a cheer.

All of the Royal Navy cheered alongside the Mighty Hood, even Valiant. Warspite smiled, but from the corner of the eye, Warspite spotted something even more glorious.

The Commander had arrived. And he smiled at Warspite.

We'll see who gets that wedding after all, she thought to herself.

─•~:~•─

The End.

Warspite will return.